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  -Part 1 :: [11.25.02]
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"Explaining everything in the context of 'Shion is a retard' makes the whole game a much gentler experience for me."
     -Sam, Xenosaga Part 2




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Legend of Dragoon : Part 3
By Kelly
Posted 12.09.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
In part two, Red Cloud saves his beloved beard Shana from certain - boredom in Hellena Prison. Shana shows us just how grown up she is by wearing an outfit showing more skin than Christina Aguilera, and taking a bow as her weapon of choice. Sergeant Pepper gets soppy, and I get the Alka-Seltzer to keep from hurling. Okay, now that we're all up to speed, it's time for the (Not So) Great Escape!

The first thing the Tepid Trio has to do is actually get out the prison's front door. Easy, right? On the way out of the prison tower, Red Cloud runs right into the merchant. Mr. Foreshadowing? Mr. Subtle called. He'd like to teach you a thing or two. Mr. Subtle should also have a little talk with Red Cloud, since his idea of sneaking past the guards this time includes jumping down right in front of them. Those silly Hellena guards. When are they going to learn that you just can't mess with a guy in kneepads? Our little party continues on, only to come to an abrupt halt. Why, who could that be? Let's see - purple cloak, horned helmet, big beer gut, yep! It must be Fat Bastard! He greets our heroes with the words "So, you are the red one acting like a prince!!" What, he masturbates on stage, wears clothing any drag queen would envy and changes his name to some stupid symbol? Wait a sec, he said "prince", not "Prince". My bad.

?
 

Fat Bastard continues on, telling our boy that he and Sergeant Pepper are feed for the "pet". Dude, kibble's not that expensive, really. No, not even that Iams or Science Diet stuff. Go on; give up that last snack before bedtime and feed Fido for a month or two, huh? Red Cloud now asks Sergeant Pepper if this is the head warden. What does it matter? When someone's standing in front of you anxiously waiting to feed your minced parts to his puppy, is it really time to get his name, rank, and serial number? I guess so; since Sergeant Pepper now replies that Fat Bastard's name is really Fruegel and that he's so bad that even the people of his own country are afraid of him. Well, yes. I would be, too, especially right after I'd cooked dinner. Fat Bastard asks Red Cloud if he's calm on the outside because he's paralyzed with fear. "Too stupid to be scared." gets my vote. Red Cloud continues playing 20 Questions, and asks if Fat Bastard was the one who attacked Seles. Gee, you think? Actually Fat Bastard says that he just gave the order, he didn't actually do any of the killing, looting and pillaging associated with the destruction of Seles: Every RPG Hero's Favorite Vacation Spot. (tm Seles Chamber of Commerce) Oh, so you're so big and bad Fat Bastard that you can't even be bothered to get off your ass and do some villager smiting from time to time? Red Cloud now asks why Fat Bastard ordered to have Shana taken away to the horrors of her posh prison cell. Fat Bastard says he doesn't know, that Emperor Doel gave the order. He adds that the he thought the order was so trivial that he tacked on the order to destroy Seles. Man, this guy has "middle manager" written all over him. Red Cloud screams that what's been done is "Unforgivable!!" You know, I don't really think that's going to have a lot of impact. Why, it might bother Fat Bastard for all of about a nano-second that you're going to hold a grudge. I guess that means you won't be inviting Fat Bastard to your next kegger, right Red Cloud? Actually, no. It means we're going to have a boss fight. The Tepid Trio vs. Fat Bastard and His Man Bitches, round one!

 
Best be fearing mah bitches, skater boy

I have Red Cloud and Sergeant Pepper concentrate on the Man Bitch Twins for now. Also, the fight mechanics won't let me take a shot at Fat Bastard yet. The Man Bitch Twins go down easily, and Fat Bastard calls up his next pair, the Super Man Bitch Twins, who are known as "Senior Wardens." Now that the first set of twins is out of the way, Fat Bastard is fair game. Deviating from the formula of boss fights everywhere; I concentrate all my energies on taking his rotund ass down, since the SMBT don't really do anything for his defense or offence. Even little Shana gets a crack or two. Hey, I'm sure it's just payback for all the ogling the poor girl had to endure while at the prison. And it's at this point that another mention must be made of the "Addition" system and the Voice Actors from Beyond. While both Red Cloud and Sergeant Pepper have their Addition attacks and crappy vocal work, little Shana does not. She gets one attack with her bow and a little "Ha!" noise. That's it. Some equal team member she is. Fat Bastard launches a pile driver attack on Red Cloud, which takes off about a quarter of his hit points, while Red Cloud's attack in return takes off two hit points. It's okay, though. After I jam my index finger boosting a few magic spells, Fat Bastard goes down with a splat. Now, all that remains is to clean up the Super Man Bitch Twins for once and for all. A few good additions, and it's all over. Each guard throws a mega-fire spell as he dies, which should shock absolutely no one. I'm convinced that Red Cloud secretly enjoyed it.

Now that the fight is over, Fat Bastard is sitting on the floor of the tower screaming his fool head off. Yes, you sure are scary, Mr. Man.

What, are you gonna cry now?
 

Red Cloud asks Sergeant Pepper if Fat Bastard is immortal or something, since he didn't, like die and stuff. Dude, all you did was smack him around a little bit, and now he's sobbing. Just go, already! Sergeant Pepper tells Red Cloud to take Shana and get on the convenient horse-lizard that just so happens to be stabled in the tower. With their cunning plan in motion, Fat Bastard finds it in himself to get up off the floor and scream for his lackeys to stop the Tepid Trio, even if it costs them their lives. Yep, I was right. Middle manager for sure. The lackeys obey, screaming to "Raise the bridge!!" and "Jail Break!!" You mean you just thought of that? Quick as a whip, these Hellena guards. The Tepid Trio makes good their escape into the hinterlands of Serdio.

 
EW!

Back inside the prison, Fat Bastard is berating another lackey, telling him to "Bring her back here!! Or you will be dead!!" Oh, so it's not like the time that Bob brought you an important message and you chucked him into the Pit of Doom, right Fat Bastard? Or the time you got your ass reamed by the drag queen in a blue cloak and another lackey bit the dust? You really mean dead this time? Let's face it. Saying "Good morning" in the wrong tone of voice is enough to do you in here at Hellena Prison. And speaking of our friend Blue Dress Dude, here he is, standing behind Fat Bastard on an elevated walkway. Fat Bastard asks BDD "When did you sneak in?" Well, I doubt there was much sneaking to it, honestly. The damned guards can't tell when a real intruder's sneaking in half the time, so why would they stop He Who Must Wear Shoulder Pads? BDD asks Fat Bastard if "they"should tell His Majesty His Grace The Emperor Doel about Fat Bastard's little cock-up. Fat Bastard wheedles, swearing that he'll bring Shana back. BDD accepts this for the stalling ploy it is, but threatens that if he didn't believe that, Fat Bastard would be dead by now. Oh, for pity's sake. The guy just got his ass whooped by a girl with a bow. Cut him some slack, BDD. Fat Bastard redeems himself by yelling at his last remaining lackey and stalking off. BDD sticks around, contractually obligated to give the "Everything is going according to my plan!" speech. He also says something about the Tepid Trio being in the palm of his hand. Dude, I hope you washed it first.

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