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  -Part 1 :: [11.23.02]
  -Part 2 :: [12.03.02]
  -Part 3 :: [01.13.03]
  -Part 4 :: [03.13.03]
  -Part 5 :: [06.18.03]
  -Part 6 :: [07.19.03]
  -Part 7 :: [10.25.03]
  -Part 8 :: [05.09.04]
  -Part 9 :: [12.01.04]
  -Part 10 :: [12.01.04]
  -Part 11 :: [02.19.07]
  -Part 12 :: [05.22.11]
  -Part 13 :: [09.09.12]
  -Part 14 :: [09.09.12]
  -Part 15 :: [08.30.13]
  -Part 16 :: [08.30.13]
  -Part 17 :: [06.14.14]

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"Twink arrives at NPC Island at night after the townsfolk have all gone to bed. Sure, he could wave the Wind Wanker and change that, but maybe he can drop in on Lenzo for a surprise nighttime visit first. On the way to do this, however, Twink notices a blonde girl standing between two buildings. The fact that she's a chick combined with her absolutely horrid rag dress harsh his buzz to the point where he's not in the mood for any bedroom adventures anymore. So what the heck, he might as well talk to her."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 8

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Suikoden II : Part 5
By Sam
Posted 06.18.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
In our last meeting with Barry, Jowy, Nanami and the Random Renegades, our gay heroes wasted a whole lot of time in the stupid Sindar ruins in order to get an entry permit which unfortunately only allowed them entry into the Muse City pokey. In my sick fantasy world, Barry and Jowy took this opportunity to get in a little "pokey" of their own.'re a woman.

Barry's right where we left him last time, except now on the right side of the jail cell door. You'll recall that Bear wanted the kids to meet someone at City Hall, but for now they're to find Leona's new digs. This isn't what I would call the world's most difficult task, as she's located in the tavern-slash-inn right across the street from the jail. Since I already know where to find her, I first have Barry explore the rest of town, buy shit, upgrade weapons, and find other ways he can be ass-raped out of his hard-earned potch. Hey, I'm just giving the boy what he likes.

In the alleyway east of the Runemaster's shop (where Barry couldn't find a Fury Rune, dammit), a blonde woman with a giant scar across her face accosts him and asks for a favor. I hope she's not looking for that kind of favor, because Barry don't play that. With women, anyway. It turns out that the woman, named Elza, is being chased by a "bad man" and has a couple packages she needs Barry to look after for her. And we know Barry's all about keeping his eyes on packages. Once he agrees, she hands them to him and takes off. Almost immediately after her exit, we meet the supposed "bad man." He's another cute blond number, but he's lacking face scars and wearing a black hooded cloak. You might remember him as the most randomly-recruited member of McDohl's Liberation Army, Clive. Keeping in the random spirit of things, he says, "Where are they? Storm senses them......Moon and Star are somewhere nearby." Umm...kay. Clive must enjoy saying things that make no sense to anyone but him. Anyway, Clive notices Barry whistling innocently nearby and asks if he's seen a tall blonde. "Nope. Never saw her," Barry says, because he might get more "packages" from Elza if he covers for her. Clive totally buys it and wanders off. Sucker.

Then, randomly still, Barry saunters back to the town entrance, near the jail. There he meets up again with Elza and hands her the packages he so painstakingly cared for. Elza thanks him by presenting him with Sound Set #1. Sound Sets, in a surprising twist, change the game's sounds, but Barry won't put them to use for a good long while, so go ahead and forget I ever brought them up until then. Elza's just about to leave when the music makes a turn for the sinister. Clive makes his second appearance to announce the obvious: "I found you......Elza." That's one long pause. Elza imitates his style admirably: "Clive........." Clive announces his intention to bring Elza to justice in the name of the Howling Voice Guild, whatever the hell that is. Elza's response? "Can you shoot, gunner!" I'd wonder why she ended a question with an exclamation point, but since the answer to her question is obvious (he's a gunner--of course he can shoot), maybe she figured the proper punctuation wasn't necessary. More important than the matter of grammar is the fact that Elza whips out two big-ass guns and points them at Barry, who's standing between her and Clive. Barry starts quaking, possibly out of fear, but more likely out of sensual excitement at being near such admirable, well-oiled pieces. Clive tells Barry to get out of the way, but Elza cautions him not to move. Barry smartly listens to Elza, as she's the one with the drawn weaponry. She rolls right, shoots, misses, and runs away, Clive in hot pursuit. The happy Muse City music starts back up, and everyone in the vicinity acts like there wasn't an armed standoff in the street two seconds ago. Either the citizens of Muse are really resilient or they're really stupid.

So now we've met Clive and Elza, which is important, because if Barry hadn't gone through this traumatic ordeal, he wouldn't be able to recruit Clive later. The very first time I played Suikoden II, I never saw this scene, couldn't get Clive to join the army later, and therefore was unable to get the good ending, all because I didn't randomly walk down the nondescript alleyway by the rune shop. The lesson: talk to everyone and go everywhere, regardless of convenience or plausibility.

Having exhausted all other entertainment options (except sex with Jowy, but I'll stop kidding myself), Barry enters the tavern, where Leona is standing behind a well-stocked bar. This is hardly a new building and looks like it was well-established long before the refugees from Viktor's fort arrived, so I'm guessing the innkeeper just happened to be in need of a sexy bar wench right when Leona showed up. Boy, that's convenient. But job convenience is yet another Suikoden series trademark: as long as you're a Person with a Portrait, all you have to do is be in a random place at a random time, and some random guy in a yellow neckerchief and a tiara will give you your dream job. It's like if I walked up the street and sat down in the middle of the K-Mart parking lot, and a complete stranger (or possibly someone I'd met once before) walked up and asked if I'd like to join the writing staff of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Man, how cool would that be? Too bad I don't live in a videogame.

And I've digressed yet again. Sorry about that.

Barry, Jowy and Nanami talk to Leona, who was "worried" about them. Everyone's worried, but no one does a damn thing about it. Barry's new friends are totally unreliable. Leona already knows about their City Hall appointment, so she kindly removes Lassie from Jowy's leg and says she'll watch the brat in their absence. Freed from babysitting duty, Barry, his lover and his sister go to the north end of town and enter City Hall.

Inside, there's regal-sounding music playing. At the top of a low flight of stairs our heroes find Bear. "Oh, you came," he says, like he thought they would just blow off the whole thing. And of course, they're late, because in RPGs people are never on time for anything. But Bear says it's okay, even though "she's a very busy lady." Oh, dear, we're meeting a woman. Bear Love Interest at ten o' clock!

Bear escorts the kids to a room on their left. The first person they see is a no-nonsense woman in a bright aqua head scarf (yes, you read that right), making with the important government decisions. "As a messenger, we'll send.....Fitcher. He won't fail us," she finishes. This Fitcher person we haven't yet met surfaces later, so that quote isn't entirely pointless. The official receiving the orders tells his boss, whose name is Anabelle, how wise and fair she is, and she tells him in return not to be a kiss-ass. Hey, it's a woman with a spine, and she's not hideously ugly! I'm stunned! The official scurries out of the room, to escape the wrath of Lady Anabelle and her neon headwear.


That bit of business completed, Anabelle turns to Bear. She "heard" that he lost his fort, and you'd think she would have already confirmed this fact, as she acts like she was expecting Bear and therefore had already talked with him at least once before this. Whatever. Bear replies, "Yeah. Lost a lot more too." Maybe he means his porno stash or something, because I can't fathom that he's talking about Pohl. Anabelle and Bear wax poetic about how evil and insane and inhuman Prince Adolf is, as every single person in this game is given to do at one point or another. "So what brings you here?" asks Anabelle, getting to the damn point. "I see you've got 3 children along with you...." There's the C word again. Bear introduces the underage trio, and asks if Anabelle can take them (plus Lassie) in while he goes off to fight the good fight. Since children don't belong on the battlefield. Do you get it yet?!

Anabelle agrees to take care of them, and even says, "Yeah, you can't take kids into battle with you," as if she's trying to justify my annoyance a little more. But she's interested in something else for the moment. She approaches Jowy. Ew, she's not interested in him in that way. I think. "Jowy......Jowy Atreides?" Jowy asks how she knows his name. She replies that she knows of a nobleman from Kyaro with a son by that name. "Isn't that right, Jess?" she says, prompting her man-servant to speak up. Jess, who has a somewhat ratty face and is wearing bright yellow pants (and yes, you read THAT right--do these people look in the mirror in the morning?), tells us a bunch of stuff we already know: that Jowy Atreides is a fugitive from Highland, "charged with high treason...and being really, really gay."

And Anabelle's not done with her regurgitation of Who's Who in Kyaro Town. She turns to Barry and Nanami and asks if their adoptive father is named Genkaku. "Huh!" Bear exclaims. Whether it's out of sudden realization or out of constipation is anyone's guess. Nanami, meanwhile, is nonplussed. "What? How did you know??? How did you know about Grandpa Genkaku???" Nanami and her punctuation. She's so silly. And she manages to further perpetuate my confusion on the Genkaku thing. Grandpa? Father? WHICH IS IT? We'll probably never know.

Anabelle refers to him as "Master Genkaku" and says she heard he had adopted two kids named Barry and Nanami. I can't imagine how she just randomly knows all this, but maybe Jess is a gossip machine. Nanami wants to know what's with this "Master" stuff, but Bear wants to know if Anabelle's talking about that Genkaku. No, the other Genkaku we've heard so much about, you tool. Anabelle assures Bear that Barry and Nanami will hear the whole sordid story later, and I'm left wondering why not now. It looks like her schedule is clear for the afternoon. Finally, she asks if "Master" Genkaku is in good health. "Oh, he's peachy," Nanami says, "and by 'peachy' I mean 'he's dead and buried underneath a dick-shaped tombstone.' But thanks for reminding me of my grief, I appreciate it. Bitch." Well, she's nicer about it than that.

"I see........" Anabelle says, and what the hell is it with this game and ellipses? "So we weren't able to atone for our crimes against him...." Barry inquires about these crimes, only for Anabelle to brush off the subject, even though she's the one who brought it up. Really nice, lady, to tell these kids all kinds of cryptic shit about their beloved (grand)father, and then to leave their minds full of questions by not elaborating. Anabelle informs Jess that he is responsible for the "kids," and gets back to whatever it is she was so busy with. Bear takes off as well, but not before telling them to return to Leona's whenever they get tired. Wait. So Anabelle and Jess are now taking care of them, but they're still staying with Bear at the inn across town? I'm confused.

And I thought they'd have to go to Vermont!

Jess, probably getting some euphoric high off of bossing around a bunch of teenagers, tells Barry, Jowy and Nanami to basically do anything they want except bother Anabelle. Then, responsible babysitter that he is, Jess bids them good day and enters a nearby room to resume his own work. Nanami wants to explore, which makes Jowy all anxious because he doesn't want to get into trouble. Even though Jess just told them they are free to do as they please. I think Jowy's just cranky because he hasn't had any hot Barry lovin' in almost an entire day. Barry explores the few accessible rooms of City Hall and finally ends up in the room that Jess went into a minute ago. He's in the middle of an argument with some government grunt. Nanami asks what's up. Jess trumps everyone in this recap by replying: "..........................." Doesn't that just speak volumes.

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