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  -Suiko2 Main
  -Part 1 :: [11.23.02]
  -Part 2 :: [12.03.02]
  -Part 3 :: [01.13.03]
  -Part 4 :: [03.13.03]
  -Part 5 :: [06.18.03]
  -Part 6 :: [07.19.03]
  -Part 7 :: [10.25.03]
  -Part 8 :: [05.09.04]
  -Part 9 :: [12.01.04]
  -Part 10 :: [12.01.04]
  -Part 11 :: [02.19.07]
  -Part 12 :: [05.22.11]
  -Part 13 :: [09.09.12]
  -Part 14 :: [09.09.12]
  -Part 15 :: [08.30.13]
  -Part 16 :: [08.30.13]
  -Part 17 :: [06.14.14]

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"Right now I'm hoping Chiepoo is some kind of Were-Nay-Kobold, and he will wake up from his slumber any minute to kill these two and eat their flesh under the full moon. Of course, he would kill and feast upon Marvy, too, but Marvy can think of worse fates right now."
     -Sam, Suikoden IV Part 3

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Suikoden II : Part 3
By Sam
Posted 01.13.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Before they can go to battle, Barry and Jowy have a decision to make: what should the name of their company be? Jowy makes a few lame suggestions, including "Barry and Jowy Company," (*snicker*) but Barry has something else in mind. See, this decision will become significant later on in the game, so the name cannot be chosen lightly. I decide that the name should be one that represents what this story and the characters are all about. Therefore, Barry and Jowy will be leading the Yaoi Company.

A short while later--presumably in the middle of the night, as Jowy has to wake up Barry--the Highland Army gathers outside the fort. Battle time! Bear tells the soldiers to be ready for a "fierce battle," while Apple says the "traps" they set should slow them down. Zuh? What did she do, stick some bear traps on the path and hope for a stupid adversary? I hate Apple. Furthermore, the Fire Spears are ready to go. Hopefully the fact that we have Fire Spears will help us survive Apple's idiotic strategy:

"Our main strategy is defense, but first we'll attack from here. This will frustrate them and weaken their offense. After that, we just have to defend our fort and wait for help. That's all." Whose dick did this girl have to suck to become a full-fledged strategist? Oh, right. Mathiu's.

Bear, in a half-assed attempt to motivate, tells the troops to win in the name of the "great lion" on the fort's flag. All present look up at it, puzzled. Bear seems hurt, since he drew the "lion" himself. Guess what it looks like? Seriously, you'll never guess. A bear. I told you the comedy would flow like wine with this new nickname. Bear and Flik make sure our heroes are ready, and we head into the game's first army battle.

On a magnified version of the world map just north of the fort, six soldier-on-horse sprites appear, one carrying a Highland banner. The banner-carrier turns out to be a guy with dark, streaked hair that tapers to a point behind his head. He looks like he probably spends his entire paycheck on styling gel. Pointy Hair turns out to be named Solon Jhee, but since he looks to spend a lot of time in hair salons, Salon Jhee will be his new name. Obviously, Salon is the leader of the company. Another man tells Salon not to be reckless, or he might "lose [his] head." There's more of that dramatic irony for you. Highland Bishounen #2 looks suspiciously like Richard Gere, and thus he has a new name, too. Highland Bishounen #3 doesn't look like anybody, and so he can keep his real name, Seed. Seed seems like the kind of guy who jumps into battle without thinking. I know this because of the canned expositional dialogue he has with Richard. Isn't it nice how the writers use each character's first two lines in the game to define that character's entire personality? It sure is convenient to skip all that "development" stuff.

Anyway, the mercs appear around the Highland guys and the battle begins. Without going into too much boring detail about the battle system, it's kind of the same rock-paper-scissors scheme that the duels have (melee beats archers, archers beat magic, magic beats melee) with individual units attacking other units on a big grid. The mercenary units unanimously attack with their Fire Spears, which do a pretty good job of wiping out the Highland dudes. When it's my turn to command Barry, Jowy and Nanami's unit (I know Jowy wants to command Barry's unit), I have to suffer through a boring tutorial given by Apple, of all people, explaining in about five minutes what took me one sentence to say above. Go to hell, Apple.

With the help of the super-amazing, defying-plot-coherence Fire Spears, Bear's mercs drive back Salon and Co. for the time being. Back inside the fort, Bear celebrates everyone's kick-assness and grants everyone a short rest. Except not. A merc runs in seconds later and announces that the Highland Army is attacking again. Apple is in shock that those mean ol' Highland generals would make their tired troops attack so soon. I'm not so surprised--this means Apple's plan is failing, and I'm quite used to that.

Uh, at least, we think so.

So it's back to the battlefield, except now the mercenary units are all inside the fort. The Highlanders reappear, and now Salon, Richard and Seed are accompanied by Kiba, the bald general from Ryube. He introduces himself as the leader of the 3rd Company, and says that he fights "for the honor of Agares Blight, King of Highland." Remember that for the quiz later. Kiba also has with him a very effeminate young man who gets no introduction or name for the moment. Is being pretty a requirement for enlisting in the Highland Army, or what? Salon makes with the introductions as well, even though we met him already, but now we know he leads the 2nd Company. Not that this detail is of any importance, but now we know, and knowing's half the battle.

Bear tells everyone to stay inside the fort. Apple makes with the refresher course on the battle system, like I would forget how it works after three minutes. I know I'm a wrestling fan, but my attention span isn't that short. Bear fails to follow his own advice and leaves the walls of the fort to attack. He uses the Fire Spears to great effect on one unit, but then says "The Fire Spears! Damn! They're not working anymore!" Apparently Bear's definition of "not working" is "working." Thanks a bunch, game designers.

Moments later, another set of Highland troops appears to the south of the fort. It's Prince Adolf, and he's got that maniacal look in his eye again. Oh, wait, he always looks like that. Apple again expresses disbelief at the strategy and movement of the Highland Army. I think she's trying to impress on us that they're unpredictable, but what I get out of it is that Apple doesn't know what the hell she's doing, ever. Adolf and his unit, the White Wolf Army (insert joke about Adolf's unit here) quickly enter the fort and, to everyone's great surprise, I'm sure, Adolf calls for it to burn to the ground.

For once, you're right.

Back inside the fort, Barry and Jowy are caught in the midst of a bunch of killing. Amazingly enough, nothing is on fire yet. They're getting ready to run for the hills, but then Jowy realizes Pilika is still inside the fort. Aww, crap, I don't wanna rescue her! But all my objections are pointless, since Barry has to agree to go back with Jowy to get her. I mean, really, if Barry left Jowy to die on his own just because of this, he might have to resort to drastic measures later, like having sex with women. They fight their way through several groups of Highland soldiers and make it to the conference room. There, I get to witness (and recap for you fine folks, of course) the best scene ever.

Prince Adolf has beaten them to the conference room, and he's got both Pohl and Pilika cornered. Pohl is sprawling on the ground, begging for his life. As we all know by now, Adolf the Puppy Killer has no time for sympathy. With a crazy laugh, he goes Zorro on Pohl's ass, and Pohl falls to the ground, dead. Excuse me for just a moment.



After I'm done rewinding and playing Pohl's demise frame-by-frame, my new husband Adolf goes for the extra point and turns to kill Pilika. Unfortunately, Jowy holds affection for the little twit and decides he doesn't want her to die. Sigh. He and Barry lunge forward, putting themselves in between Adolf's Mighty Sword of Death and Pilika. Adolf brushes them off for the pussies they are and then gives the boys a speech about the difference between strong people (him) and weaklings (Pohl). Ha. Jowy, now helpless, screams "STOP!" over and over again. I wish he were doing this over a blacked-out screen, because then I could take creative license with it. Adolf is about to lower his blade when a giant explosion rocks the fort. Bear and Flik rush in and remove Barry, Jowy and Pilika from harm's way. Bear exposits to Adolf that he threw the Fire Spears into the boiler. Barry and Co. rush out, but not before Adolf wishes Death and Bad Things on Bear for wrecking his fun time. Bear says he'd rather see the fort burn than see it in Adolf's hands. Huh. So Adolf isn't the only pyro around here.

Another visit from the Crappy CGI Fairy shows us the group (obscured in shadow) running away through the forest, as one person (presumably Barry) stops and turns around to witness the fort being engulfed in flames. That wasn't pointless or anything. Back to normal gameplay mode, where my new, truly random party stops running for a moment. Besides Barry, Jowy and Nanami, I got stuck with Rikimaru the Gluttonous Bum, Gengen the Kobold Idiot and Kinnison the Gay Archer. Sweet merciful crap, what a horrible party. I consider restarting so I can possibly get a better deal, but I don't really want to play through all that a second time, even if it does mean witnessing the Pohl death scene again. I'll just suffer.

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