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  -Suiko2 Main
  -Part 1 :: [11.23.02]
  -Part 2 :: [12.03.02]
  -Part 3 :: [01.13.03]
  -Part 4 :: [03.13.03]
  -Part 5 :: [06.18.03]
  -Part 6 :: [07.19.03]
  -Part 7 :: [10.25.03]
  -Part 8 :: [05.09.04]
  -Part 9 :: [12.01.04]
  -Part 10 :: [12.01.04]
  -Part 11 :: [02.19.07]
  -Part 12 :: [05.22.11]
  -Part 13 :: [09.09.12]
  -Part 14 :: [09.09.12]
  -Part 15 :: [08.30.13]
  -Part 16 :: [08.30.13]
  -Part 17 :: [06.14.14]


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"As you know, I most certainly did not get stuck on a boss and have to re-tape all my footage. But if I had, this would have been the boss. Because not only does it have a zillion HP, but it has high defense and some nasty group attacks that it can do twice in a row. Not to mention a disturbing attack where Gay Dwarf straddles the phallic cannon and fires it."
     -Jeanne, Chrono Cross Part 7




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Suikoden II : Part 2
By Sam
Posted 12.03.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
When we left our intrepid young gay lovers, they had just defeated the boobalicious Mist Monster and were about to reach their hometown of Kyaro. Tagging along with them were the clingy Eilie, the slutty Rina and the doofy Andre. The quintet reaches said hometown, which is conveniently enough the only town in the entire area. Either Highland has almost no people in it, or the game designers thought I would get lost. Curse their oily hides.

At the town gates, Eilie, Rina and Andre comment on what a "nice" town it is. Which I guess is readily obvious from seeing the gate and the backs of a few buildings. Jowy tells them where his and Barry's homes are, before the gypsies wish our heroes a fond farewell. Zuh? Didn't they say in Ryube that they were traveling to Kyaro? Did "traveling to Kyaro" suddenly turn into "walk to Kyaro and then immediately go someplace else"? I guess Barry and Jowy's "nice" hometown isn't good enough for their shoddy circus act. In any case, I don't miss them that much, as their absence now means Jowy and Barry can finally be alone. Or not. Jowy tells Barry he's worried about what happened before--gee, how astute of him--and he's going home to see what's shakin'. He advises Barry to do the same, since "[his sister] Nanami is probably worried." God, WE GET IT, ALREADY. Jowy leaves Barry alone, giving me the opportunity to at least talk to the locals, even if Barry misses the opportunity to get in Jowy's pants. Sigh.

Kyaro's NPCs are a good mix of "We hate you, you traitorous bastard" and "What the fuck are you doing here? Run away!" Word on the street is that Jowy and Barry are City-State spies. I wonder where they could have gotten that idea, what with being the sole survivors of the attack and spending time at a City-State mercenary fort, dealing 'flour' to the locals. Silly Kyaro folk.

 
Jowy didn't exactly need a whole lot of tempting, if you follow me.

I figure it's high time Barry saw his sister, so I head to the western end of town. But before I enter the dojo, I do something seemingly completely random: I examine the tree in the backyard. Not once, not twice, but three times. On the third examination, a squirrel in a red cape turns up behind Barry, strikes a Power Ranger-esque pose, and joins the party. In the spirit of Squirrel Sentai, I borrow QF's moniker for Mukumuku. He is now Muku Ranger Red. And since I do love recapping thoroughly for you fine folk, you will indeed see the other four members of the Squirrel Ranger Team…eventually. Speaking of recruiting, you'd better get used to me and Barry doing very random things to make characters turn up. It's a series trademark.

Inside the dojo Barry finds a "? book"--I guess our hero isn't quite brainy enough to read the title on the cover. Oh well. Out back I go, to meet Big Sis Nanami.

Why was Jowy saying that in the bathroom the other day, huh? Huh?
 

Nanami turns out to be a cute brunette girl--cookies for anyone who guessed she would be cute. Barry finds her kneeling in front of a somewhat phallic grave marker. She falls all over herself when she sees him, and then knocks him to the ground, throttling him within an inch of his life, shouting many questions like "Are you okay?" and "Was everyone really killed?" This, ladies and gentlemen, is called "hyper-genki." Nanami's relieved (duh) that Barry and Jowy are okay, since she heard there were a couple City-State spies at their camp. It doesn't occur to her--right away--that Jowy and Barry are the supposed spies, even though everyone else in town already knows. I think she's been spending too much time praying to the phallic tombstone.

Once Nanami has figured out what is going on, she promises to protect Barry from the Prick and his minions, and to help them run away. But wait! They forgot to pray to the penis stone one last time! Nanami backpedals--sending Barry flying into the rock wall--and kneels down with Barry at the grave of their Grandpa Genkaku. Who is their adopted father. Whatever. Nanami asks the dead man buried below the penis stone to protect her and Barry. I hope Genkaku's spirit has frequent flyer miles stocked up, because these kids are gonna get around like nobody's business later on. That business completed, they go back into the dojo to loot their antiques for potential pawning items. I take the medium-sized vase, which doesn't matter at all, since none of the vases you can take are worth jack squat. Barry, Nanami and Muku Ranger Red step out onto the front porch, where they immediately meet a group of Highland soldiers. Dammit!

 
Maybe Jowy can use that as a mold for a blow-up doll.

The siblings prepare for battle, and with the help of MRR's mad sentai squirrel powers, they win. Not that it matters--with Nanami already huffing and puffing, more soldiers show up with Captain Prick. He asks Barry to come along quietly. Screw that, old man. Barry shouts "No!!!!!" and it's back to battle. This time, I can't win, since the Prick is a badass, relative to my party. Congrats, dude. You've defeated a boy with a tiara, his sister and a squirrel. You should be proud. The Prick's soldiers escort my party into a blackout screen.

So what's been happening with Jowy? A lot, apparently. The scene fades back in to show him being taken away from his home by more Highland troops. His pappy, Marcel, is right in the middle of disowning him, since he doesn't like saying "My son committed treason." Makes him look bad in front of his golfing buddies. Jowy's brother, Marco--and no, it's not the three-cup monty kid from Suikoden I--says goodbye to his non-brother. Jowy wants to see his mommy, but Marcel will have none of that, as Rosa "doesn't want to see [him]." I'm sure. Fade to black again.

Now the whole gang is reunited inside a cell at the Unicorn Brigade training facility. Nanami would like to know just why in the hell these two would be considered spies. Exposition!Prick shows up to tell them. Except not, since he tells us a bunch of stuff we already know. Prince Adolf orchestrated the attack to piss off his subjects, so they'd have an excuse to go to war with the State. Because Prince Adolf is an evil bastard. Captain Prick, on the other hand, is tired of being commander of a bunch of little kids. "I want a job where I can make some real money," he says, garnering the attention, respect and sympathy of no one. So this is it: they're all going to die. Jowy starts speaking in angry sentence fragments while Barry wonders if he could ask Jowy for a "last meal."

Our heroes are led through town to the scaffold, rope binding them to the Highland soldiers. A horse-drawn carriage down the street stops for the procession, and its passenger, Princess Jillia Blight, takes a peek out at the condemned lads. "They're just….children…." she breathes, regardless of the fact that Jowy is actually a year older than her, according to the strategy guide. Why does everyone keep harping on this "just children" thing? It's okay for a 16 year old to be a princess, but it's not okay for a 17 year old to be a spy? Whatever, writers. I hate you all. Jowy and Barry proclaim their innocence, which fails to move Jillia in any sense. How about trying to stop the execution of those "children," lady? What? You're a helpless RPG female? Okay, then, never mind.

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