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"I'm sure my mere mention of Pooh Bear and his seemingly not-so-platonic friends has many of you voluntarily committing yourselves into mental health care. But at least Junior's adventures in the Hundred Acre Hell were stuffed with fluffy plot filler."
     -Sam, Kingdom Hearts Part 13

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Final Fantasy X : Part 15
By Jeanne
Posted 08.09.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
In the last recap, Yuna and her guardians were magically transported from the bottom of a lake to the desert island where the Al Bhed live. Unfortunately, the Al Bhed home, Home, was attacked and Yuna was kidnapped by the child-lovin' Guado. Meanwhile, Tightass finally found out that Yuna will die when she defeats Sin. Much wankst ensued. Then, the whole group piled into Cid's airship and went bye-bye. After that there was an explosion. Because there always has to be an explosion. Sadly, Tightass didn't die.

It's only been about ten seconds since Cid started looking for Yuna, so that's Tightass's clue to pester him about it. Cid tells Tightass to stop annoying the shit out of him, and explains a little about his search instrument of choice, the sphere oscillo-finder. Basically, he pulled that name out of his ass, because he doesn't even know how to work the damn thing. Lulu is shocked at this admission, although she ends up doing it with Wakka, who definitely uses things without knowing how to work them. When Cid adds that he doesn't even know how to fly the airship, Wakka wets his pants. In the bad way. Cid takes this opportunity to bitch about the Yevon machina taboo. I kind of hope Wakka will start crying and possibly kill himself, but he completely ignores the whole situation, puffing away happily on his blitzbong.

Tightass, not having anything better to do, wanders around the airship, talking to random people. A guy running up and down the staircase to the lower level informs Tightass that the entire Al Bhed Psyches blitzball team survived the ordeal. Um, yay? It seems like no matter where tragedy occurs in Spira, the God damn blitzball players always live. Well, as long as Tightass dies, I won't complain. I promise, game designers. Please?

Gay Ponytail Man and his "guardians" are hanging around the hallway with Kimahri. The entire conversation here reiterates what we learned earlier -- that GPM is going to go on with his pilgrimage, even though he'll die. Like Yuna, he chose his path long ago, etc. etc. This is all filler. About the only important thing we pick up in this conversation is that these particular Yevonites are starting to rethink their position on the whole machina thing -- because this airship is all that and a bag of chips.

If 'it' refers to Tightass's wang, he should feel uneasy.

Tightass talks to Maroda next. He's not too thrilled about the potential death of his "brother." When Tightass moronically suggests that they put their heads together and think of an alternate way to defeat Sin, Maroda explains that they're in a time crunch and can't afford to just sit around and brainstorm. Because innocent lives are at stake! He goes on to tell Tightass that the Al Bhed nabbed Pacce and that's why Maroda and GPM ended up going along. But they're all okay with that, because Pacce needed a break. Wait, what happened to the whole "People are dying!" argument? "He should never have come on the pilgrimage, little kid like that," Maroda finishes. Well, no fucking shit. "Gee, who should I choose as my guardian? I know, my pissant little brother who tires easily!" God, Pacce must be the second most worthless guardian ever.

In the next room, Tightass runs into Rin at the top of the stairs. It just so happens that Rin stopped at Home on business. I love how the game designers try to have explanations for all these characters popping up everywhere. It makes it seem like they're interested in continuity. And we all know that isn't true.

Thanks for sharing.

After Tightass buys some stuff from Rin, he decides to show off his "mastery" of the Al Bhed language. There's nothing quite as disturbing as hearing James Arnold Taylor talk in gibberish (well, apart from Tightass's normal dialogue, I mean). Rin pretends to be impressed, and gives him 99 Underdog's Secrets. It's probably the equivalent of giving Tightass a bag of shoopuf crap. That doesn't stop Tightass from thinking he's all that.

Tightass walks around some more, talking to several Al Bhed survivors. Boy, do those people have some whiny kids. I know that's not such a surprise, since we've already met Rikku. And in case no one's put two and two together yet, this is the airship that was salvaged in Part 1. It looks pretty damn good for spending the last 1000 years on the ocean floor.

Down another corridor, Thonga is hunkered over on the floor. She's in a bitchy mood. Yeah, like I even needed to qualify that. She asks Tightass what he would think if she gave up her pilgrimage. Thonga's entire fate is in my hands at this point. Since I don't really care one way or the other, I have Tightass say as much. "Show some sympathy!" Thonga bitches. "Oh, like all the sympathy you showed me the first time we met?" Tightass retorts. Now, he sort of has a point there, since Thonga is a royal witch, but come on. It's Tightass. There's some law or something that says that no one has to be nice to him. Thonga's conviction has now been renewed, and she has a message for Tightass to deliver to Yuna: "Tell her she still has a rival: me!" I doubt anyone else would want to be Yuna's rival, seeing as how the winner gets Tightass.

Tightass returns to the bridge, where a snippy fight is taking place between Auron and Cid, of all people. This could be interesting. Or not, because the fight is over Yuna. Auron is pissy because Cid wants to stop the pilgrimage against Yuna's will and Cid is pissy because Auron is allowing Yuna to die. "Sure as if you killed her yourself," he adds. I don't see a problem with that. It means Tightass won't get laid, and if the price is Yuna's life, well, I'll gladly pay it. Cid is determined to force Yuna to comply with his wishes. No, not like that. He's her uncle, you pervs. He also threatens to "take down" anyone who doesn't agree with his course of action. Now, while such a comment would be laughable coming from Tightass or the perpetually blitzed Wakka, Cid could actually mean business. Still, I think Auron has the upper hand here, what with his GIANT FUCKING SWORD. Either way, Auron stands down, telling Cid that he's the captain. The first person who sends me a link to a Cid/Auron fanfiction is going to be in huge trouble.

Yuna should:
Live, so she can display her asscheeks in the sequel
Die, so Tightass can't get any
Can we stop talking about Yuna already?


After Auron stalks out of the room (this close to pouting), Tightass does another round of chatting. Because God forbid I miss any of the optional dialogue here. Wakka is in fine form, freaking out over the fact that Cid referred to Yuna as his niece in his little tiff with Auron. Like a rocket scientist, Wakka figures out that Yuna is half Al Bhed. "Don't say it!" he whines. "Yuna's Yuna, right?" Suddenly the ship crashes and Wakka dies a horrible fiery death.

Since Lulu and Rikku have nothing to contribute to the conversation except for opinions that we are very well aware of and Auron is still brooding over the silly argument from a minute ago, Tightass moves on to more interesting pursuits. And by "interesting," I mean "plot-advancing." Tightass speaks to Brother, who announces that he's found Yuna. The camera pans up to the windshield (presumably the oscillo-finder thingy projected it there, although I'm just guessing here), and suddenly we see Yuna. More specifically, we see Yuna on a giant, red-carpeted tower, wearing a wedding dress. "A wedding dress?" you say. "You don't mean--" That's right. She's there with Seymour, who is nonconsensually holding her hand. He's all done up in a fancy robe, along with a giant pointy hat to match his pointy manmeat. This doesn't look good. Notice I don't seem the least bit surprised to see our least favorite previously-dead pedophile. That's because everyone and their damn dog knew the bastard was coming back. So let's move on.

Tightass, of course, doesn't know where the hell that whole tower dealy is. Lulu explains that it's "The Palace of St. Bevelle. Heart of Yevon." Since I've recently had experience with breaking into a heavily guarded place to rescue a lead female character, this should be a piece of cake. An annoying piece of cake.

Tightass is all, "Let's hurry up and get her!" because he's too stupid to realize that there are going to be ten thousand irritating obstacles in his way. Cid quickly explains this concept to him. Tightass thinks he's so cool when he says, "What's the matter, gramps? You scared? Yuna's there, so we go and get her! And that's all!" As he spouts this last sentence, he turns to face the camera, looking like a retarded gelfling. I know I'm impressed.

Sadly, Cid is impressed, making me lose any respect I ever had for the guy. He orders Brother to go full speed toward Bevelle. This scene is redeemed slightly when the airship blasts forward, causing Tightass to be thrown backwards, landing on the ground. Cid bends down and informs him that they won't get to Bevelle for a while. "Meanwhile..." As Cid says this, Tightass pops up, posing dramatically on one knee, and wanks, "We prepare for battle!" Okay, scratch anything I said about this scene being redeemed. It appears that the game designers still have their silly vendetta against me.

The camera swoops around wanktastically, and I gain control of Tightass again. I try to send him rocketing out through the front window, but the game designers have thwarted my efforts there as well. Damn them all. I take this chance to travel the sphere grid and equip weapons for any potential boss battle. Not for any particular reason, nosirree.

Rikku wonders why Seymour is "alive", as if none of them have ever seen a dead person return (not counting Auron). "He is dead," Auron explains, "As dead as Jyscal was. And as dead as I....oh, shit." He reiterates that Seymour is attached to the world and so didn't get his pointy pedophile ass to the Farplane. "Whoa, scary!" Rikku dogpaddles, and you can so tell that she's just aching to get it on with a dead guy.

"Yuna must be trying to send him," Auron hypothesizes because he's the intelligent one with half a clue. Rikku wonders if Yuna will be successful. Auron essentially says that if Seymour is caught off guard, due to his mind being on other things (such as what he'll get to do to Yuna with Little Mr. POONTY later), the plan just might work.

Meanwhile, while all this shit is going down, Wakka has continued to puff away on the old blitzbong. "I'm glad Yuna's okay and all, but what's with those fancy clothes?" he asks. Lulu is all, "Hello, it's a WEDDING DRESS, dumbass!" "What!?" Wakka shrills...and then goes back to the 'bong. Lulu randomly warns Tightass that since Bevelle is built on the water, Tightass and Rikku might have to fight underwater. "You and Rikku should study your magic, just in case," she adds. It's nice of her to offer such a randomly helpful pointer and all, but I'm not anywhere near the God damn magic-heavy areas of the sphere grid with those two. Also, note that she doesn't bother to include Wakka as part of her magic-study suggestion, because she knows he's completely useless.

Lulu also wonders why Maester Mika would "allow the unsent to walk free." Unsent, nothing. Why does he allow pedophiles to walk free? I think the answer to both those questions probably involves a disturbing conspiracy that will be revealed to us later. And of course we'll be surprised and all that.

Suddenly, the ship shakes. At least, I think it does. What we actually see is a sudden flash of white as Tightass and Wakka nearly fall down. There's also a crashing sound. Everyone else seems to be perfectly fine, though. Good job, game designers. Suddenly, Rin runs in and announces that they're being attacked. "From within," no less. He exposits that some Guado must have snuck on board. I want to know how that's possible. It's not like they exactly blend in. Cid sounds pissed that Rin is so calm. "I am calm about most things," Rin replies. "Who do you think sells Wakka his weed?"

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