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"'It is none other than the Master Sword... The blade of evil's bane,' Sean announces. And that's not 'S Words' in this case. Once I take a split second to get over my non-shock at this non-revelation, I realize that I'm going to have to call it... the Masturbator Sword. I'm sorry folks, I wish it didn't have to be this way, but... it does. The Masturbator Sword."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 6

Link to VGR!

Final Fantasy X : Part 13
By Jeanne
Posted 06.17.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
In part 12, Yuna went off to Macalania Temple to get her butt molested by Seymour, after nearly getting kidnapped again by the Al Bhed. Wakka learned the truth about Rikku, and instead of being cool about it, he was a complete asshat. The gang rode snowmobiles to the temple to catch up with Yuna. We rejoin our heroes and Tightass at this point.

Upon entering the temple, our favorite religious dumbass, Shelinda, runs up to Tightass and pointlessly gushes, "Maester Seymour and Lady Yuna...I couldn't be happier...even if it was my own wedding." Do I even need to point out how pathetically sad that is? I didn't think so. She wanks about how Sin's victims will now have something to celebrate. Again, I have to wonder how lame of a place Spira is that this kind of event makes people forget about about the giant sea creature that randomly kills them and their loved ones. Then again, maybe the idea of a pointy Guado and an underage human getting it on makes people happy that such a thing isn't happening to them. Tightass is noticeably lukewarm about the whole situation, which surprises Shelinda. Tightass tells her that it's "complicated." Okay, I'm not happy about the wedding myself, but Tightass manages to make such an opinion sound wanky. Thanks a bunch, Tightass.

Tightass stupidly asks everyone if they know where Yuna is. There aren't a whole lot of options as to where she could be, but God forbid Tightass actually does any thinking of his own. Shelinda pipes up that Yuna and Seymour went to the Cloister of Trials together. Upon hearing this, Auron and the other guardians run up to the Cloister entrance, standing there while Tightass makes his wanky way around the temple.

There is a group of odd creatures with instruments, just standing around. We saw them before during the blitzball tournament, where the game designers couldn't even make the music and the motions of the players line up. I notice that the weird-ass bird creature from Macalania Forest is one of the trio, and I guess it makes a little more sense now. Wait, no it doesn't at all.

As Tightass walks past them, a random woman runs out of a door on the right side of the temple. "Lord Jyscal!" she cries out, and says something about a sphere belonging to Yuna. Now all the guardians get to run into that room. At least they're getting their daily allotment of exercise. Tightass, still standing near the weirdo band, talks to them some more. They're completely oblivious to the ruckus going on just a short distance away. And so is Tightass, but that's because he's an idiot. He goes in the other chamber, making everyone else wait a little longer for his cut scene-triggering presence. There's a drunk guy whose sole purpose in life is providing Seymour-related exposition. He says that he's protected Seymour since he was a child, and I feel sorry for the guy. I learn all sorts of fascinating things about our resident pedophile priest, like the fact that he got picked on as a kid for being a half-breed. Also, he was a talented monk, and the best summoner EVAR. He decided to become a maester instead of defeating Sin, because he thinks there's more to being a summoner than just that. Yeah, I think it would be a cool trick to do at parties, too.

I'm so surprised that it's a child that somehow knows this.

After collecting treasure that is conveniently scattered about the main chamber of the temple, Tightass makes his way to where the others are. "This may well answer a few questions," Auron says, handing Tightass the sphere. Well, that's good because the suspense is killing me. Only not. Tightass sets the sphere on the ground without dropping it (miraculously) and hits play. Even though we clearly see a hologram of Jyscal hovering above the sphere, the view changes to Jyscal floating around in blue bubbly stuff. Okay, that makes a whole lot of sense. After crossing his heart and hoping to die (oops!) that he's about to tell the truth, Jyscal launches into his confessional. Apparently Seymour is not such a nice guy, after all. You mean the guy whose entire bearing screams "scary pedophile" is not such a wholesome individual? NO! Who here is completely shocked? Raise your hand. Yeah, me neither. "...I can feel flames of darkness burning in his heart," Jyscal says dramatically. "He is using Yevon, the Guado, and even the summoners." Well, no shit. I believe he's using Yuna right at this moment. "If he is not stopped, he will surely bring destruction and chaos to Spira," Jyscal insists. Hey, you don't have to convince me. Jyscal knows that he's about to be killed by Seymour, but says that it's all right: "Because I was not wise enough, he has suffered, and become twisted. I could not protect him and his mother from the world and its cruelty." Wait a sec -- the guy's a freaking psycho because some bullies picked on him as a kid? Cry me a river, Seymour. God. Jyscal's last words implore whoever is watching the sphere to stop Seymour. Well, that shouldn't be too hard, right?

"Wonderful," Auron says sarcastically. Rikku wants to know if Yuna will be all right. That's a no-brainer. Auron says that Yuna is screwed without her guardians. Literally. As Auron, Rikku, and Kimahri file out the door, Wakka demands to know where they're going. Could he get any stupider? Tightass is all "Duh! Seymour's a stinking butthole!" and once again, if Tightass has to explain something to you, you know it's time to kill yourself. Wakka argues that Seymour is a maester, and even Tightass gets irritated with him. "Come on, Wakka. Let's at least hear him out," Lulu tries to talk some sense into the pot-smoking blitzbonger. "This can't be happening," Wakka whines. God, shut up, Wakka. He and Lulu leave the room. Tightass collects some more treasure, because there's always time to do that, and then follows them.

How surprised are you that Seymour turned out to be evil?
About as surprised as I was to find out Squall was gay.
This is Square. Nothing they do surprises me anymore.
I totally thought he was good!
The hair, the pedophilia, the voice, the outfit -- no shit, Sherlock.


At the foot of the stairs leading into the Cloister of Trials, the guard monk has been knocked to the ground. He whines that this was "the Ronso"'s handiwork, and threatens that he's going to tattle to Bevelle. I'm not sure how a city can do anything about his problem, but whatever. This is clue number one that our heroes are getting themselves in deep shit. Tightass goes through the door, and the next scene shows him in a snowy tunnel. Gosh, could this possibly be the Ice Temple? After all the evidence we've been presented with so far? No, the game designers couldn't possibly be that obvious about anything. Auron tells Tightass to go ahead with Kimahri. Of course Auron wants Tightass as far away as possible. As Wakka walks past Auron, our favorite guardian says, "We will protect Yuna from anyone. Even a maester." Wakka whines, "This can't be happening," again, because the game designers enjoy making my life miserable. Lulu tries to talk some sense into Wakka again, like that's going to work.

Tightass walks through the snowy tunnel and into the chamber beyond. Everyone is already there, despite Tightass going ahead of Auron, Wakka, and Lulu. Whoops, game designers. I'm Going to Rape You, Little Boy music is playing, which makes it obvious that Seymour is in the room, even before we see him. Tightass runs into the middle of the group, sliding dramatically as he shrieks, "Seymour!" Gag me. Seymour tells him to shut the hell up because Yuna is praying in the chamber beyond. "Make me," Tightass wanks. God, I'm rooting for Seymour at this point. Seymour faces Tightass and descends the stairs. The camera wankily zooms in on Tightass as the two stare each other down. I would think this scene crackled with sexual tension, except that I don't want to consider that at all. I'd like to be able to sleep at night, thanks. Finally, the stupid showdown is interrupted as the doors to the Chamber of the Fayth open and Yuna emerges. Actually, she doesn't really emerge -- in one shot the doors are opening, and in the next, Yuna's just standing there. Tightass screams her name, and Yuna gets upset. I would be, too. "But why...?" she demands whinily. Tightass explains that they saw the sphere. "You killed him," Auron says to Seymour. "What of it?" the pedophile wonders. Because he's bad to the bone. That sounds wrong.

"Lady Yuna, certainly you knew of these things, did you not?" Seymour creeps. Yuna makes a wanky affirmative sound. Seymour wants to know why she showed up, then. "I came..." Yuna begins, causing me to start gagging. Oh, then she finishes her sentence. Whew. "I came to stop you!" she says in a voice about as threatening as a pink fluffy bunny floating on a lavender cloud surrounded by pixie dust. "You came to punish me then," Seymour says excitedly. He takes the next thirty seconds to turn around and hold his hand out to her. Yuna steps back, suddenly not so tough. Look surprised. "What a pity," Seymour moans, and Yuna's guardians step forward to protect her. Seymour is not impressed, probably because Tightass is right in the front. "'Protect the summoner even at the cost of one's life.' The Code of the Guardian. How admirable," Seymour snarks. He puts his arm up like he's going to start disco dancing, and his two pedophilic Guado guards step forward. "Well, if you're offering your lives, I will have to take them." Seymour thinks he's so very clever.

Yuna is not afraid of Seymour, probably because she's surrounded by a whole bunch of people who are tougher than she is. Seymour pauses long enough to allow Yuna to make a speech. She informs him that her guardians are also her friends, and she's not going to sit by and watch their asses get kicked. "I will fight you, too!" Once again, the only way this is the least bit threatening to Seymour is if he keels over from laughter. She's as convincing as Squall telling Rinoa he loves her. Wakka sounds like he's going to cry over the upcoming battle, but Tightass is excited. I'd be more excited if Seymour killed off Tightass, but the game designers hate me, so I doubt that's going to happen.

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