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"Cut to Captain Hook's Cabin of Underage Butt-Pinching, where Hookie and Riku are having a row, again. The Cap'n is pissed this time because Riku has just informed him that Wendy is not one of the Princesses of Heart. I can kind of see where he's coming from--as we'll soon see, with a couple of exceptions the designated Mary Sues are depressingly mature for his tastes."
     -Sam, Kingdom Hearts Part 11

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Final Fantasy X : Part 9
By Jeanne
Posted 12.30.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Lulu goes over to fix Yuna's hair, but since her hair looks exactly the same as before, it's probably just an excuse for the game designers to make the two chicks touch each other. "A summoner with bed hair! What's the world comin' to?" Wakka teases, even though Yuna's hair looks exactly the same as...oh, never mind. Yuna suddenly grows half a backbone and says that someone should have woken her up. Lulu joins in the teasing. "We called to you, but with all that snoring..." Yuna is appalled that everyone is giving her shit, and then she sees that Auron is also laughing. "Once Lady Yuna fixes her hair, we leave," he says in this really homosexual voice. Everyone continues laughing.

The moment is ruined by a big steaming pile of Wankese. "I hadn't really laughed like that in a long time." Except for the ungodly laughing scene three hours ago. "It was only later that I realized...that everyone was laughing at me because I'm a huge wanker." Well, that's what he should have said. "The only one really laughing then...was me. Laughing must have been the only thing keeping them going. Kind of like how drinking was the only thing that made Auron able to deal...with me."

The party continues back to the fork in the road. Lucil and the others must be stalking them, because once again, Yuna and the others meet up with them. Lucil makes a comment about Yuna being up early, which confuses me because I thought Yuna slept in. Then she asks if Yuna will be all right because she was up all night, as we already knew. The majority of this conversation is totally pointless, but Lucil makes sure to mention that they will be crossing the Moonflow in order to find more chocobos. Since everyone of note seems to be traveling the same path, it looks like we know our next destination. With Lucil's asscrack right in the camera, Clasko the Comic Relief comes running up, bitching about having to keep up with the chocobo on foot. Then, they leave.

At the fork in the road, Tightass wonders where they're going next. Obviously, he wasn't listening carefully. Lulu informs him that they are going to cross the Moonflow, prompting Tightass to say, "Moonflow, baby, here we come." SHUT UP, TIGHTASS.

The world map comes up again and a little dotted line shows me which way to go, as if I couldn't see the party members or the red arrow going in that direction. I mean, I know I get lost sometimes, but I'm not an idiot.

The path to the Moonflow is longer than hell and completely full of random battles, mainly against Ochus, which you'll remember from before. They still take a long-ass time to beat, making this part more annoying than it has to be. Speaking of annoying, the party encounters Shelinda, who is making sure to be even more of a self-righteous religious asswipe than normal. "We can all learn a lesson from what has happened to the Crusaders," she wanks. "Only the truly faithful have a hope of defeating Sin." You shut up, too, Shelinda.

A little further along the path, our heroes encounter Hans and Franz. They're harassing some random dude, who runs away. "Look! One of Kimahri's friends. Looks just like him," Hans says about the guy. WTF? Tightass walks up and wants to know what they're talking about. "Both follow summoners on all fours! Hornless goatlings!" Hans says by way of explanation. It still makes no sense, but let's just move on. "Hornless! Hornless!" Franz taunts stupidly. The two of them laugh. "You come to insult Kimahri?" Kimahri demands, clearly curious as to why anyone would make fun of him when Tightass is a much better target of insults. Hans says that the Magical Foreshadowing Wizard paid him a visit and told him to warn Kimahri about the summoners disappearing. Yes, we get it. Seriously, guys -- we get it. They tease Kimahri about how he's going to lose his summoner. Hans finishes with, "Pitiful Kimahri! Howl alone! Howl alone!" The hell? Then they run off.

Tightass, King of the Obvious, says, "Do those two got something against you?" No, they're Kimahri's boyfriends. Kimahri brushes Tightass off by saying he'll deal with Hans and Franz. Tightass offers to help, but Kimahri brushes him off again, because who the hell would want Tightass's help? Apparently, as Wakka explains, there's some sort of rule that Ronso deal with Ronso problems. Well, I wish Kimahri would deal with them soon, because every time I have to see Hans's unit, I get disturbed.

Lulu, who has somehow figured out that summoners are disappearing, expresses concern. "They aren't just disappearing into thin air," Auron says as if everyone else is an idiot. Well, he may be mostly right. Tightass isn't worried, because he figures that Yuna's guardians will be able to protect her. "Confident," Lulu says mockingly. "Yeah!" Tightass responds. What a wanker.

At the beginning of one of the random battles, Yuna says (in Wakka's voice), "A lot of fiends here, ya?" to which Lulu responds, "Don't talk like that." Burn!

Yuna meets up with Princess Leia again, who challenges her to another aeon duel. But first, she gives Yuna a lecture on Operation Mi'ihen, and how machina are not the way to defeat Sin. Oh, please. I use the players guide for help with this battle, and Yuna still ends up getting her ass kicked. I just suck. Then, a random tutorial explains how to teach aeons different abilities, now that Leia gave Yuna the Summoner's Soul. How lucky for Yuna that some random summoner just happened to have that object.

The path leads into a forest, and I hope that means the Moonflow isn't too far away. Whoever programmed the random battles in this area should be shot.

Sure enough, the party reaches the Moonflow. It's a huge-ass river with lily pads and floating pyreflies. The sun is just setting so it looks all cool. Tightass, who is easily impressed, practically gets off. Sorry for that image, everyone. "This is the Moonflow," Lulu makes a statement of the obvious. The lily pads are called -- wait for it -- moon lilies. "They say that clouds of pyreflies gather here when night falls," Yuna steals the Exposition Hat from Lulu. Lulu takes it back. "The entire river glows, like a sea of stars." This beauteous imagery is enough to make Tightass want to stick around to see it. "We're not waiting till nightfall," Auron says, crushing Tightass's dreams beneath his boots. Tightass has the bright idea to come back after they defeat Sin. Everyone gets the "Yuna is going to die and everyone knows it except for Tightass but we're not going to tell him because the script randomly said not to" look on their faces. The camera lingers on the entire group staring at the Moonflow for about ten minutes, and then Auron gets sick of standing there. He walks off, and Wakka follows his example. "Hey, we better hurry or we'll miss the shoopuf," Wakka says. Tightass doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, but further along the path, he catches his first glimpse of a shoopuf. It looks like a mix between an elephant, an Apatosaurus, and that curlique hill from Nightmare Before Christmas. Tightass is way too excited to ride it.

No again!

Now that I've nauseated the hell out of you with that imagery, I continue to the next screen where Lucil, Elma, and Clasko are talking to the little blue shoopuf master guy. At least that's what I think he is. He sounds like a bad and annoying ethnic stereotype, so his name is now Jar Jar. He won't let the chocobo ride the shoopuf, because it's, as he puts it, "Imposhibibble." Apparently he's never seen the elephant and pig episode of South Park. Lucil says they'll find another way to get across the Moonflow. "Where there's a will, there's a way," she clichés. More Wankese: "Where there's a will, there's a way. Those words stayed with me. I wonder how Captain Lucil is doing."

You wish.

Once again, the obnoxious Wankese ends the recap. You'll have to wait till next time to hear about what happened between Jecht and the shoopuf ten years ago...

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