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"The first dude is a Roman Centurion, clad in a fabulous red-feather headdress, red skirt, and sandals. His name, according to the instruction book, is Pious Augustus. Which isn't exactly breaking out of the stereotypical names for ancient Roman characters. But that's okay, because I'm not planning on letting him keep his name. Oh come on, like I'm going to be handed a name with five letters, beginning with P and ending with S and not rename him Penis? What kind of willpower do you think a tiny-schlonged pre-adolescent British homosexual has?"
     -Jeanne, Eternal Darkness Part 1

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Final Fantasy X : Part 8
By Jeanne
Posted 11.29.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
We left off with Yuna and her guardians being summoned (get it?) to the command center for Operation Mi'ihen, thanks to Maester Seymour Pedophile. Maybe we'll finally get to see what happens with this Operation that has been alluded to for several hours of gameplay. And then everyone can shut up about it.

Of course, getting to the command center can't be an easy thing. Nope, we're talking random battles galore, and lots of traipsing around the aptly named Mushroom Rock road. Not only are the rocks mushroom-esque, but there are plenty of irritating little Funguar monsters along the way. At the beginning of one of the random battles, Wakka yells, "Go away, damn it!" I second the motion.

Just in case Yuna and her comrades have forgotten where to go (in spite of the red blinking arrow), Captain Lucil is about halfway along the path with her chocobo, reminding everyone to go to the command center. That was pointless. She goes on to ask Yuna to perform the sending for all the people who might end up dying. What a cheery thought.

Oh, and we get to catch up on our friend Shelinda again. How do all these people keep getting ahead of my party? Shelinda's latest realization is that since she can't stop the Operation, she might as well assist it. How's that for ideals? She only knows some white magic, though. Why is it that so many bland, insipid female characters are white mages? Unfortunately for all of us, when Shelinda performs her white magic on Tightass and the others, it sounds like she's getting off. Is "white magic" a euphemism for something else? Either way, no one should ever get off in the presence of Tightass. It means there's something wrong with you.

Maybe he'd be less whiny if he got that thong out of his ass.

Up at the top of the path, a whiny Gatta bitches and moans to Luzzu. "Why only you, sir? I want to fight, too!" he whines. "Orders are orders," Luzzu responds. And that should be the end of it. But no, Gatta has been taking lessons on how to be annoying from Tightass. "I'm not a cadet anymore, sir! Let me go with you, and I'll prove it to them!" How about you shut up and stop crying, crybaby? Luzzu tries to make him feel better by putting his hand on Gatta's shoulder and telling him that his duty -- guarding the command center -- is important, too. Even though it's really not. I get the feeling that Gatta wants to prove a few other things to Luzzu, particularly in the sack. But this is a Final Fantasy game, so of course it seems that way. Unfortunately, Gatta's still a whiny whiner. Finally, Luzzu has to get tough with him. "To your post, Crusader." Dear God, Gatta gets even whinier. "But, sir!" Luzzu bitchslaps him into next week. Actually, Gatta grunts in frustration and runs away. What a man.

Next, there's a scene that it's entirely possible to miss. But it's important because it provides us with more backstory. Poor, abandoned Luzzu stands all alone on the cliff where Gatta left him. As Yuna and the others approach, he says, "They let you through, huh?" Tightass walks forward, looks back to the others as if for approval (he finds none), and says, "Gatta deserves better." So the two whiniest assholes in the game stick up for each other. Isn't that sweet? Or not. Wakka doesn't have a problem with Gatta staying out of the main action, because he won't get hurt. "Why are you guys fighting, anyway?" Wakka wonders. "Aren't the almighty Al Bhed machina enough?" He says the last part in this really sarcastic way, but it's grade-school sarcasm and not grown-up sarcasm. There's a difference. Get over the machina thing, Wakka.

Also, he wasn't listening earlier. The Crusaders are supposed to lure Sin in and keep it occupied until the machina are ready, as Luzzu explains once again. Wakka does this thing that makes him look like a rabid gorilla that's trying to take a dump. He kind of grunts in frustration and squats at Luzzu. Oh, baby, give me some of that. Then he goes and pouts over to the side, his back to everyone.


Luzzu chooses this moment when Wakka is highly pissed off at him to spring another unhappy revelation upon him about Chappu. Lulu, discarding her usual cool exterior, says, "Luzzu, no!" Well, it's too late -- Luzzu kind of has to tell him now that he brought it up. "I'm the one who convinced enlist," Luzzu admits. Lulu kind of sobs. We get a big close-up on Wakka's face as he digests this tidbit of information. Then he does what he's probably wanted to do for a long time. No, I'm not talking about humping Tightass. He punches Luzzu in the face. It's not a Tightass-style punch either; Luzzu falls to the ground. Now Tightass gets his chance to do some humping as he holds Wakka back from Luzzu. "Wakka! That's enough, Wakka!" he wanks. Both of them grunt a lot. It's gross.

Finally, Wakka calms down enough for Tightass to let go of him. Wakka stands over Luzzu, who is still on the ground, and says, "When we used to play blitz together, Chappu used to say...He'd say that--when we won the Cup, ya?--he'd propose to Lulu." Well, he wasn't expecting to ever propose then, was he, considering the Aurochs' track record? "And then one day...he goes off and becomes a Crusader. Just like that." Luzzu grunts and gets up. "Chappu also said to me...That being with your girl is good...But keeping Sin far away from her is better." I love how Lulu was consulted in the matter. Chappu sounds like a bit of a wanker -- maybe that's why Tightass reminds Wakka of Chappu. Lulu reveals to Wakka that she knew all this. "Luzzu told me...before we left," she says. Luzzu chuckles. "She hit me, too," he tells them. I hope she punched him with her fist and not one of her dolls, or else Luzzu would have taken perhaps 2 HP in damage.

Lucil approaches them at this time and tells Luzzu that the Crusaders are assembling on the beach. "That's my cue," says Luzzu, Mr. Obvious. "Luzzu! Don't die out there!" Wakka tells him. No, he's not getting touchy-feely with Luzzu, he just wants Luzzu to live so he can beat the shit out of him some more. Aw, isn't that sweet?

At the last moment, Yuna tries to stop Luzzu from going. Quite hypocritical of her, if I do say so myself. It's okay for her to decide to sacrifice her life, but no one else can? Whatever, Yuna. "Let him go," Auron says. "The man has already chosen his path...As you did when you became a summoner." And since everyone has to listen to Auron because he's cool, Yuna steps aside and lets Luzzu pass. How many people think there's going to be some stupid Wankese here? If you raised your hand, you're absolutely correct! "It would be a long time..." Tightass wanks, "before I ever really understood the reason why Yuna let Luzzu pass that day." In other words, it takes Tightass a long time to figure out what everybody in the universe already knows. He's so dumb.

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