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"'(I always screw up by talking about myself too much. It's always been like that. But not tonight! I'm all ears for [MarySulia]!)' Laguna pep-talks himself. More and more, he's sounding like a real catch. '(Ahh, time to use my manly charm, and help [MarySulia] with her problem.)' I have only one word: wanker."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy VIII Part 4




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Final Fantasy X : Part 7
By Jeanne
Posted 11.20.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Being sick sucks. So does Wakka, for having a big -- or should I say "bigoted" -- problem with the Al Bhed and their inn. Speaking of sucking, the suckage continues with our friend Shelinda, the religious twit. In the lobby (or whatever it's called) of the inn, she says, "I've heard that the proprietor, Mr. Rin, is an Al Bhed. But I was very relieved to find that he keeps nothing sacrilegious here." I wish he had a huge-ass machina right out front that said "Yevon SUCKS!!!" on it. That would be funny.

 
That's a really long time to go without resting.

I take this opportunity to load up all the Al Bhed primers I have saved on my memory card, so now I can understand all the Al Bhed-speak. That means that Tightass is an Al Bhed language master. Wow, that's a scary thought -- Tightass as a master of something besides wankers.

Tightass steps out of the inn, and is suddenly in awe of the beautiful sunset over the ocean and some ruins. Unfortunately, this lovely scenery has to be marred by Wankese. "That sunset was different from the one I saw in Kilika. It was quiet--almost gentle." We see that Yuna is sitting there, watching the sunset, too, which can mean only one thing -- it's time for another damn Moment. Auron is also watching from nearby the chocobo corral. Man, if I were he, I'd head into the inn so that I wouldn't have to kill myself from annoyance at witnessing the wankitude. He's a strong man.

Tightass approaches Yuna. "Whatcha up to?" he wanks. Yuna looks startled, almost as if she had been doing something that she didn't want Tightass to see. "Pretty..." she says, in the brainless manner of someone who can only speak in one-word sentences. "Sure is," Tightass replies. God, this conversation is so riveting. Yuna says that she wishes she could live someplace like this. Tightass sits down next to her. "You can, once you beat Sin, right?" Tightass wanks, still completely unaware (as are we, technically), that Yuna won't live past the defeat of Sin. Yuna kind of makes a random sound like she's agreeing, but not really. So she's not technically lying, but she's not giving away the "plot twist" either. "But then a new Sin will be born anyway," she says. Tightass tells her she can just beat it again. "I wish I could," Yuna replies sadly. Tightass still doesn't get it, but that's no shock. "Hey, you can! Trust me! You are the best summoner out there!"

When Yuna doesn't reply, Tightass asks her why Sin is always reborn. "Sin is our punishment for our vanity," Yuna recites. "And it will not go away until we've atoned." Boy, some people will believe anything, won't they? Tightass wonders, "How do we do that? What did we do that was so bad in the first place?" I'm glad someone finally asked, even if it had to be Senor Wankito. Tightass goes on to ask if using machina was the problem, and if using machina is really so bad. Yuna is confused. "It's funny...Ever since I was young, I never questioned it. But now that you ask me if it is that bad or not...I don't know." So she never, not once, questioned the whole idea. Oh, please. She's really that robotic? Well, I guess I can believe that. It's really sad when TIGHTASS brings up topics that you've never thought of by yourself. "There are so many things I don't know," Yuna continues. "Well then, we're the same!" Tightass replies. And that, dear readers, sums up the entire sad characterization and relationship between these two.

Now that just looks stupid.
 

Tightass does a bad impression of Maester Mika, which amuses and horrifies Yuna. Kind of the reaction I have to Tightass, except for the amusement part. Tightass does another obnoxious grunting stretch, because goodness knows we can't go for a freakin' hour without one of those, and then he decides it's time for some words of "wisdom". Jeebus. "You know...During a game, you have to think of blitz and nothing else, you know?" "Okay," Yuna says, really meaning, "Shut up." Or maybe that's just me. Now I have to recap this entire conversation because it's too wanky for me to deal with all by myself. "You can't think, 'That's a cute girl in the fifth seat from the right,'" Tightass says to the girl he's trying to attract. "And you can't be thinking about where you're going to go on that date, because the minute you do, that's when you lose!" Yuna looks like she wants to be somewhere else. The implication that Tightass would actually go on a date makes me want to laugh and cry. "You see, uh, Yuna, what I mean is, you really shouldn't worry, you know? After we beat Sin, that's when you can worry about the future." Except. That. She's. Going. To. Die. We get it, game designers. Just because Tightass is stupid doesn't mean you have to beat the rest of us over the head with it. "I guess," Yuna replies to Tightass, thinking the same thing.

Tightass wonders how Yuna can beat something like Sin. "The Final Summoning," Yuna tells him. According to Yuna, it's the only way to defeat Sin. "With it, we can call the Final Aeon. That's the goal of the pilgrimage." It's always good to know the goal when you're several days into the pilgrimage already, I'm thinking. And didn't we already learn this? Or am I so used to having everything repeated twenty times that I've become confused? I guess we'll all have to read over my previous six recaps to check.

"The Fayth of the Final Summoning lies waiting in the far north, to greet summoners that complete their pilgrimage," Yuna continues. "At the world's edge...in Zanarkand." And she does the prayer bow because it's a holy place or whatever. "In Zanarkand?" Tightass repeats stupidly. "No, fuckwit, in Besaid," Yuna snarks. "She means the ruins of a city destroyed a thousand years ago," Auron says, walking up to them, interrupting their insipid "moment". He seems to enjoy crushing Tightass's hopes, as do we all. Yuna backs up Auron's story. "You'll see it for yourself soon enough," Auron adds, and tells Yuna to return to the inn.

Tightass looks whiny and petulant, as is to be expected. Yuna asks if he's going to Zanarkand with them. He says yes, and Yuna does that stupid brainless giggle laugh as she bobs her head. "I'll go to Zanarkand to see it with my own eyes," Tightass says dramatically, silhouetted by the sunset. He still looks like a wanker. The two of them look at the sunset once more, then turn to walk back to the inn. Yuna turns back yet again to look at the sunset, probably because she's going to die. Tightass stares creepily at her from behind her back. Then they finally go back to the inn. Of course, there's more exceedingly pointless Wankese. "I knew it couldn't be my Zanarkand. But I had to make sure." Just shut up already.

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