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"Oh, but first I make Twink bust open a crate and stab a Gold-Assed Spider, just to make myself even more of an asshole. I'm pretty sure I'll be reincarnated as Tightass's boxer shorts for my transgressions."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 3

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Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney : Part 9
By Sam
Posted 06.27.13
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6 : 7 : 8 : 9 : 10 : 11
Since Niceguy was dispatched by a single stab wound, Phoenix presents the autopsy report to put to bed Angel's increasing flights of fancy. Well, he presses a lot first, but I won't subject you to Angel's discussion of life being like a lunchbox with pretzels. Friends don't make friends listen to that shit. Also, Phoenix tries to object to "human machine" as a contradiction, because he is sad and wants so badly to impress his man. Mission decidedly not accomplished there.

Oh, honey, no.

Edgeworth does the work of explaining the contradiction to Angel, since Phoenix is busy putting his phone down his pants and snapping a photo to get Edgeworth in the mood for recess. The judge praises Edgeworth's sharp observation, and Ema stares across the room and sighs, "What a hunk! He's my hero, really." Phoenix blue-fonts his frustration that everyone forgot about his perfectly executed objection, but I'm pretty sure he's this close to getting into a hair-pulling fight with his new assistant.

And now Angel is talking about lunches some more. Fuck me. This time she gives a "Crime Scene Set" to the judge, which is a pool of ketchup on top of a bed of rice with a fork sticking out of it. She explains that just as the ketchup looks like blood--I cannot take this bitch for much longer, for real--she must have mistaken some splash of red on the scene for the blood of multiple stabbings. This leads to yet another testimony do-over in which she gets to add, "Her red muffler looked like blood to me...that's how ghastly the whole scene was." This is getting more than a little ridiculous.

Once Angel painstakingly explains to Phoenix that a muffler is a scarf and that Lana wears a red scarf, for the love of Edgeworth's fuchsia-cloaked ass, he can think long and hard about whether he saw her wear the thing (yes) and whether she was wearing it at the time of the crime (per the photo, nope). This makes me wonder if she had some prosecutors' office intern bring her a fresh red scarf after her arrest, since she apparently misplaced it before the murder but was wearing it when she met Phoenix. But if I had to make a Top 100 list of shit that doesn't add up in this case, I'm not sure this discrepancy would make it. Once Phoenix has fingered his chin for five years and I've yelled, "LOOK AT THE PHOTO, SHE'S NOT WEARING HER FUCKING SCARF!" until my throat is more sore than Edgeworth's on Valentine's Day, he presents the photo. But Edgeworth stomps right over his objection with his own, in a blatant attempt to heighten the mood further before recess. These power plays are such a turn on. "The witness is clearly not suited for detective work," Edgeworth says with a smirk. Once Angel is done balking, he says even more dickishly, "I'm sure you'll make a good lunchlady, have no fear." The judge and Ema again soak their panties, and Phoenix again simultaneously sulks and strangles Ema in his mind.

Says the guy whose formative trial experience until recently was in fourth grade.

I don't even know what was just proven by showing that Lana wasn't wearing her scarf--that Angel didn't see candy-red blood that somehow correlated to premeditated stabbing? I'm totally fucking lost. But whatever just happened, Edgeworth is satisfied that her stupid-ass theory is dead and they can get back to the part of the testimony where Lana stabbed a dude. "Ultimately, we couldn't shake the most important part of her testimony," Phoenix blue-fonts, only for Ema to read him again and be all, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" Phoenix basically replies, "The part where Lana stabbed a dude, idiot, and BITCH BACK OFF MY MAN." Also, if Ema can read Phoenix's mind, has she been picking up on all his visual fantasies of tearing Edgeworth's Italian silk suit off in the coat check room?

This prompts the judge to ask Angel for another piece of testimony, regarding her apprehension of the defendant after the crime. Over a grayscale image of the garage, Angel says Lana ran behind the partition wall, but Angel caught her and made, I guess, a citizen's arrest. "Ah yes," she adds smugly. "When I arrested her, she mentioned the muffler! That's what had me confused in my earlier testimony!" Wait, Lana mentioned her muffler, which confused Angel into thinking she saw her wearing one, except she didn't think it was a red muffler, but blood? What the fuck? She also notes that Lana tried to escape, but that resistance of Angel Starr's loving embrace "is futile!" And if there's one thing in Angel's testimony I'm positive happened, it's that she roughly wrestled Lana to the ground. And then they worked out some tension while they waited for the police.

The judge is like, "Honey, enough with the goddamn scarf already." But Angel will not let it go and non-explains, "I strike like a snake and bite like a cobra!" And then, when she adds that Lana kicked over one of those oil drums during their totally non-sexual struggle, she says Lana is a "leopard woman! Rowr!" Dang. I know I don't have to do as much convincing here, since most of the people who are totally in denial about videogame characters being gay only care if it's two dudes, but is there anyone in the universe who still thinks there's nothing between these two?

When I need expert opinions on elegant English usage, Phoenix Wright is my go-to guy.

During the cross, Phoenix establishes that Angel witnessed all of this from the B block of the parking garage and scaled the chain link fence in order to apprehend Lana, which is admittedly badass, but it presents the question of how Lana didn't manage to get away. Angel's in fucking high heels and a skirt--she didn't climb that thing in five seconds. Not that it would have mattered if she had, since Angel recognized her and took a picture, but come on, she could have done better than huddle behind a partition wall.

But back to the muffler thing. Angel clarifies that all she heard was the word "muffler," and that she heard it while Lana was frantically talking into her phone. I'm sorry, "her phone." Phoenix digs in on this point and Angel first says it's hazy, because her memory is "like a salmon, heading upstream," and I hate her so much, you guys. So much. "The chief prosecutor first attempted to use the phone hanging on the wall," she goes on. "Apparently, it was out of order." This at least explains why she was huddling behind the partition instead of running the fuck away. And it makes sense to use a public phone first if you don't want to be incriminated. But she ended up using her cell phone anyway, so I don't even know anymore. I'm about to be as broken as that phone if this testimony goes on much longer.

Go fuck yourself.

Angel adds to her original testimony that Lana gave up on the public phone to use her cell phone, and Phoenix finally has his chance to smugly catch her in a lie. He presents the floor plans to the parking lot and points out that, from her supposed vantage point in B block, there's no way she could have seen Lana doing this. Well, first he and Edgeworth waste a bunch of time arguing about whether Angel has a grudge against her ex-girlfriend, but who's interested in Phoenix and Edgeworth discussing lady drama? No one. Angel finally cracks a little, spilling her lunchboxes everywhere and yelling, "Wha...Waaaaaaaaaaarrrgh!" Phoenix explains to the judge, "It's simple, Your Honor. She's not coughing up lunch...she's coughing up lies!!!" Edgeworth is feeling pretty conflicted about this. On the one hand, Phoenix is basking in glory and generally looking fuckable. On the other hand, more corny one-liners. To buy time to compose himself, Edgeworth asks Phoenix to clarify exactly what Angel is lying about. Phoenix can choose between the what, the where, and the order of events. I'm kind of drunk right now--the only way to deal with Angel Starr is tequila--so I want to yell, "ALL THREE, OBVS!" while shaking my iPad, but Angel is lying about where she witnessed the crime. Phoenix explains that she's clearly not lying about seeing Lana messing with the two phones because that would be pointless, so she must have seen it from another angle. Yeah, there are no pointless lies in this series, ever ever. Moving on. Prompted by the judge to identify Angel's actual vantage point, Phoenix jams his pointy finger square at the glass-walled security booth on the floor plans.

I had no idea the judge was capable of such withering sarcasm.

Edgeworth, Phoenix, and the judge take entirely too long to rehash why the security booth is the only spot from which Angel could have witnessed Lana's crime. Then again, they take too long to do anything. Then again, this recap is almost 30 pages so I should shut up. Phoenix throws Angel's fake security guard "boyfriend" in her face, since she said she was there to visit him. Angel, fully sweating like Phoenix now, grunts, "How many years have I been getting the better of men...?" I don't even know what to say to that. "To think that the tables could be turned... Today, a man has got the better of Angel Starr!" I hope whoever Angel picks up at Pandora's Box tonight is ready for some aggressive dildo play.

The judge reprimands Angel for lying, since she used to be a detective. I know! Law enforcement is supposed to be above these problems, right, Edgeworth and Lana? Meanwhile, Ema points out that this lie, too, seems pointless, because there's no real problem with Angel saying she witnessed this from the guard station. Well, maybe the problem is that her security guard boyfriend is named Stella and she didn't want "him" to have to testify. Edgeworth agrees with Ema and again points out the photo of Lana looking all guilty and shit. "It was the defendant who stabbed the victim!" he cries, pounding the table like Phoenix's ass. "That truth still stands!" The truth is upright and erect! Phoenix puts his hands on his hips and waggles his groin. "It 'still stands'? I disagree, Mr. Edgeworth." They are straight up reciting lines from their role play sessions now. But Phoenix's point is that Angel would not risk perjury without a good reason. Oh my God, her hat is fuchsia! SHE'S THE REAL MURDERER!

Kidding. The reason this is a problem, Phoenix selects from another helpful multiple choice question, is that she was a different distance away from the crime. Or, more importantly, she was a further running distance from the crime, since the stairwell door was locked at the time. Turns out, Angel's boyfriend wasn't present--convenient!--and that once Angel saw Lana, she ran downstairs, yanked at the locked door, and then had to take the hallway allllll the way around the parking garage, exit the stairwell at B block, take the photo of Lana, and scale the fence. Given that the only reason we even reached this conclusion is that Angel witnessed Lana fucking around with the emergency phone, this is back to being dumb. I guess it was really important for Lana to use her cell phone right then and there. Angel says it took her "five minutes" to reach the crime scene, during which time I guess Lana was reading Committing Crimes for Dummies and skipping key passages.

But Angel sticks with her guns and swears "on her finest spork" (ugh, kill me) that Lana still did some major murdering that afternoon. And she plies the judge with more caviar to cement her testimony, so Phoenix is forced to act on nothing and shout at the judge again or risk a guilty verdict. "OBJECTION!" he cries, stirring Edgeworth's loins once more. "Five minutes between the witnessing of the murder and the arrest! Think about it! You could make pasta in that amount of time! If you like it al dente!" And Edgeworth's boner deflates again. Though he does like Phoenix's noodle al dente. Phoenix points out for me that Lana is either the world's shittiest criminal for sticking around for five fucking minutes doing nothing, or she's not a criminal at all. Angel barfs out vowels again at this, and this seems to be enough for the judge to end her testimony. He even deploys the soft porn denouement music. But no! No, I am not lucky enough for this to be the case. At the last moment, a mystery person shouts, "Hold it!" and I try to see how long I can roll my eyes without giving myself a headache while the camera, as usual, flashes around to each person in the courtroom to see who it was. Obviously, it was Angel, and she's got more lunches to foist at the aggressively uninterested lawyers. To Edgeworth, she claims, "I...might be able to save you. I have decisive evidence." The judge tries to put her off, but she has a triple-decker "jumbo lunchbox" for him and soon he's stuffing his face and of even less use to everyone than usual. Great. More Angel Starr testimony! I'm so happy!

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