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"Kiros and Ward both tell Laguna to 'go for it' with Julia, but Laguna's a big damn chicken. Julia starts playing a song that we'll hear about fifty gazillion times in as many different forms before the game is over. It turns out that all Kiros and Ward want Laguna to do is wave at Julia -- apparently they haven't learned about the birds and the bees yet."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy VIII Part 4




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Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney : Part 5
By Jeanne
Posted 06.03.12
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6 : 7
The last time we checked in with our gay lawyers, Edgeworth had purposely torpedoed his case in court, helping Phoenix to win a Not Guilty verdict for his not guilty client. Since this was at odds with Edgeworth's passionate goal to win at all costs, Edgeworth realized he must be developing feelings for his rival attorney, feelings beyond just the urge to constantly screw the bejeezus out of him. Conflicted, Edgeworth began pulling away from Phoenix, immediately after propositioning him for some congratulatory broom closet buttsex. Phoenix found himself confused by these mixed signals. And after all that, Phoenix finally confirmed that he and Edgeworth have some sort of secret past together.

Oh yeah, and there was all that trial stuff too. I keep forgetting to mention that. Whatever.

 
Yeah.

Before I dive right into the fourth case, I need to say something about our new method of grabbing screenshots. Before, Sam and I were using the very advanced and professional method called "take shitty photos of the DS with a digital camera." Now that we are both, to paraphrase Sam, Steve Jobs's bitches, we have fancy iPads along with the iOS version of the first Anal Attorney game. Overall, the game is the same -- they didn't make Miles Edgeworth a fan of the ladies, for example -- but there are some interesting changes in the user interface. One is that certain options -- such as Talk and Examine -- are now illustrated with a creepy eyeless Phoenix icon. More importantly, the new Profiles icon is a trio of featureless blue men with visible bulges. This is a surprise to no one. Well, that's not entirely true -- I would expect the men to be fuchsia.

With that important announcement out of the way, our episode opens on a foggy lake in the middle of the night. Two figures stand in a rowboat, only their silhouettes visible. The boat is far away, so we can't see details of the two figures -- in fact, thanks to the distance and the fog, they don't resemble people so much as anatomically-correct penises. The whole effect is that of two dildos placed upright in a boat. That wasn't phallic enough for the game designers, so they made sure the silhouette of the oar handle sticks up at a very erection-like angle. In other words, we're two seconds into the fourth case, and there are already three phallic objects on the screen. This must be a new record.

PENISES!
 

As the water laps against the boat, the two figures engage in conversation. Let's just assume that they are people, not dildos, because I don't think my brain could handle two dildos having a chat. Although if any game had a pair of talking dildos, it would be this one. I'm going to stop playing dumb for a moment and tell you that the two individuals are both men. I'm not giving away too much here, since that would be the most logical assumption for any game in the Anal Attorney series.

Over some depressing music, the first man monologues that it's been 15 years since he's seen the second man, and he has suffered greatly the entire time. Could this be a long-awaited reunion of two lovers? Not so fast! The first man continues, "At last... I shall have my revenge!" With that, he whips out a pistol -- by which I mean the view switches to a still shot of a gun pointed directly at the screen. We can't have anything more complicated than an animated GIF, after all. "...Merry Christmas," the man says as the gun, held in his left hand, goes off. Back in the original view, some more half-assed animation shows one of the dildos falling into the water with a splash.

The music turns sinister as the view changes to another still shot of a man holding a gun. As the camera pans up, we can see that under his overcoat, the man wears a fuchsia suit. He could be anybody! But as soon as the man's face and telltale cravat appear, we know exactly who it is. Miles Edgeworth stares down at the phallic pistol gripped in his right hand with a mixture of horror and confusion. Holy crap, Edgeworth may have killed a guy! Even more important, Edgeworth was out in a boat with another man on Christmas Eve, when he should be under the mistletoe with Phoenix Wright! The only object he should be gripping is Phoenix's wiener! The entire world has gone haywire!

The opening sequence ends here, and we cut directly to Wright & Co. Law Offices on December 25th at 10:08 AM. As expected, Phoenix is still depressingly alone in the office. Well, sure, Maya is there, but that's not who he really wants to spend time with on this special day. Why, he had a present all wrapped for Edgeworth and everything! The music is way too jaunty for Phoenix's mood, but that's what happens when Maya insists on bringing her patented wackiness into the office.

It turns out Maya has problems of her own. While she's been hanging out at the office watching Steel Samurai reruns, eating burgers, and listening to Phoenix's romantic troubles, she's been neglecting her spiritual training. To remedy this, she wants to find a freezing waterfall to stand under. "I need to brave the elements and be forged anew under the rushing spring waters!" she explains. This seems entirely random, but I've seen characters do this in anime and stuff so it must be an actual thing. No, I don't need to see your thesis on Japanese waterfall-assisted meditation.

"I don't know about any falls per se, but Gourd Lake is pretty close..." Phoenix awkwardly introduces us to one of the upcoming settings for this case. A lake is not an acceptable substitute for a training location, apparently, if Maya's sad face is any indication. Phoenix takes pity on her and suggests a cold shower, something he is very familiar with since Edgeworth stopped spending time with him. Maya switches to her happy face and leaves the screen.

Phoenix immediately focuses on the TV news report, trying to avoid the mental image of Maya in the shower. Cripes, could this day get any worse? The reporter delivers some exposition about the recent sighting of a monster in Gourd Lake. "Locals are calling it 'Gourdy' in a tip of the hat to Nessie, the Loch Ness monster," he (or she) continues. I'm glad they explained that, as I'm sure none of us would have figured out the reference on our own. Locals are convinced that this monster is so totally real and not just something that will be explained away during Phoenix's upcoming case investigation.

This bores the shit out of Phoenix, who grumbles about the lack of "real news." Boy, is he cranky. I wonder why. Just then, Maya returns, fully clothed, complaining that "the water pressure's kind of low in that shower." Holy crap, Phoenix has a shower in his office? We all know what that means. I just hope he scrubbed it out before he let Maya use it. And he'll probably need to scrub the icky girl cooties out of it before he and Edgeworth use it again. Not that Edgeworth has been around much lately. Now Phoenix is depressed again. He snidely tells Maya to go to the fire department and ask them to spray her with a hose. Suddenly Phoenix perks up at the thought of burly, shirtless firefighters pointing a phallic hose at his face -- not that he wants to picture that happening to Maya.

As Maya runs off to call the fire department and actually ask them about this, Phoenix turns back to the boring news program because he has nothing better to do. But things are about to heat up: "We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin! Strange occurrences continue at Gourd Lake... But this time, it's murder!" No way! According to the reporter, a guy's corpse was pulled out of the lake early in the morning, and some poor sap who was in the wrong place at the wrong time was arrested on flimsy, flaccid evidence. The reporter doesn't actually say this, but I'm just going by the cases we've seen so far. Phoenix practically craps himself in shock when the poor sap is revealed to be none other than his sexy courtroom lover, Miles Edgeworth. Holy shit!

Phoenix hyperventilates as he realizes the unlikelihood of conjugal visits with a convicted murderer. Oh, and he doesn't think Edgeworth is capable of murder, even though there was that one time Phoenix forgot to bring the lube. Anyway, the entire screen shakes every time Phoenix speaks, he's that upset. Maya returns at that moment, complaining that the burly, shirtless fireman on the phone yelled at her for being an icky girl or something. But Phoenix doesn't care about her stupid problems -- his man is in trouble. "They arrested Edgeworth!" he screams in her face. "What? You mean, the prosecutor?" Maya durrs. No, Maya, he's talking about Bob Edgeworth, the janitor at their office building. Jesus. Phoenix tries to fill her in (not like that) but he's hysterical and he really doesn't know any of the pertinent details. They decide that the best course of action is to talk to the man himself, so they're off to the Detention Center. Well, I'm sure this will not be awkward at all.

 
No comment.

But before Phoenix can rush out the door to make an ass of himself, I thoroughly examine the unimpressive office. Hey, I never know when I'm going to discover Phoenix's secret stash of gay porn. Sadly, there's nothing that interesting to report, but here's the rundown: the Gatewater Hotel is opening a second branch and the bellboy is currently busy recreating the room as April May left it, the office plant is named Charley, Maya wants to replace Phoenix's gay wall art with a poster of the Steel Samurai, and Phoenix spends all his time watching TV because he has no clients or boyfriend, and reading law books makes his head hurt. Yes, this is riveting information, but there might be other references to this shit later on, and God forbid you miss out on it.

Now that I'm done padding my recap, Phoenix can head on over to the Detention Center to comfort his troubled man. As they wait for the guard or whomever to bring Edgeworth to the room, Maya comments that the both of them have been in detention at some point. "I guess it comes with the territory," Phoenix shrugs, as if getting arrested for murder is just one of those things that happens when you decide to join the legal profession. Edgeworth appears at the window, but as soon as he sees Phoenix, he glares daggers at him and starts to leave the room. "Hey! Edgeworth! Come back!" Phoenix cries, hoping he doesn't sound totally desperate and clingy. Edgeworth returns, unable to resist Phoenix when he begs. But he's still not happy. "What are you doing here!?" he demands dickishly. He accuses Phoenix of showing up only to point and laugh over his predicament. Now, Phoenix is only human, and I'm sure there is a part of him that is ticked at Edgeworth for being such a standoffish butthole lately. If only Edgeworth hadn't pushed him away, the two of them would be naked and entangled under Edgeworth's fuchsia silk sheets right now. But as we all know, Phoenix has a massive, throbbing hero complex, and his main concern is for the wellbeing and happiness of this hot piece of prosecutor in front of him. Any bitterness he may feel has been thrust aside.

Only if he's naked at the time.
 

"We don't have so much free time we can spend it coming down here to laugh at you," Phoenix assures him, still smarting a little over Edgeworth's accusation. Edgeworth pauses for a moment, staring at Phoenix with those penetrating eyes, then responds, "Yes you do." Phoenix has to concede this point. The Depressing as Fuck music starts up, which I'm sure does wonders for Phoenix's already rock bottom mood. "I hoped you wouldn't come. I didn't want you to see me. Not like this," Edgeworth murmurs, looking down and to the side in what I shall now refer to as his emo pose. Phoenix is confused about that first sentence -- Edgeworth has always been very generous in that respect -- but then realizes he meant to the Detention Center. Oh. Phoenix blue-fonts, "(Hey, I didn't want to see you either, believe me.)" Okay, maybe he still is a little bitter. These two need to make out up, stat!

 
Jesus, Phoenix, do you really need to ask that?

Never one for subtlety, Phoenix whips out his attorney's badge in front of God and everyone. I'd like to point out that I only just realized that Phoenix's badge looks like a golden sphincter. I know, I'm slow on the uptake. Phoenix waves his sphincter badge in Edgeworth's face and offers to defend him. When Edgeworth finishes laughing, he scoffs, "Good one, Wright. But I'm not that hard up. Not yet." Phoenix hears Edgeworth say the word "hard" and everything else just flies right over his head. Maya jumps in to defend Phoenix's honor, but Edgeworth rightfully points out that Phoenix has only three trials "under his belt." See, even when he's trying to push Phoenix away, he can't help but speak in sexual innuendos. Mixed messages all over the place, here. Then he admits that no one else is willing to defend him, probably because every defense attorney in town has faced Edgeworth in court and lost. That just makes me realize how many angry (and possibly innocent) prisoners Edgeworth is going to encounter in prison if he gets convicted. Between that and his devastating good looks, he's going to be, as Prison Mike would put it, "da belle of da ball." Yikes, that's just one more reason Phoenix needs to get him off!

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