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"Anyway, when the Chancellor sees M!Sue, he starts screaming like a ruffled nanny: 'Princess Nadia! Are you alright?! Where have you been?' He makes a general nuisance of himself, and just when I thought I'd gotten rid of this guy, too. Damn it, Square, you just DID the Chancellor-is-up-to-something bit! Why must I suffer so?"
     -Ryan, Chrono Trigger Part 2

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Final Fantasy VIII : Part 1
By Jeanne
Posted 02.13.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
I'm going to give away the ending here: Squall ends up with Rinoa. The rest of this recap will be about why I don't buy that in the least. You see, Squall is gay. He likes men. Namely, his rival, Seifer. The character designer was a tad too enamored of the Rinoa character (who he designed after "someone special") and somehow she became the center of the story. As you'll see, the story works quite well without her.

The game opens with a lovely ocean scene. Then all sorts of inane text starts displaying amid shots of a flower field and a barren landscape. I wouldn't list all the text, but since it's "important" later in the story, I will.

I'll be here...
I'll be 'waiting'
For what?
I'll be waiting...for
If you come here...
You'll find me.
I promise.

There's a girl in a long blue cape thingy standing in the flower field. I wonder why the word 'waiting' is in quotes. The music is cool.

There is a floating feather scene that is a ripoff from Forrest Gump. The feather then floats up...and a gunblade comes down. The gunblade is the most phallic weapon ever. As my friend Carolyn said, "It's a gun, which is phallic. And a sword, which is phallic."

An exceptionally homosexual young man wearing fur and eyeliner wraps his hand around the gunblade and tries to shove it into another young man. Then the scene cuts to more feathers, and the back of the flower field girl's cape, which has angel wing designs on it. This is the first of many instances where they shove the "angel wing" imagery down your throat, so be prepared. Hopefully this girl is enough of an angel to forgive her boyfriend when he dumps her because he is gay. But I'm giving away too much here. Moving on.

Then there's a montage of the-designers-were-lazy-so-they-reused-movies-from-the-game movies. It's mostly shots of a sorceress. After that, we are thankfully returned to the gunblade-wielding young men. The one I mentioned before is wearing a midriff-length leather jacket with a fur collar and lots of belts. The other one is blond and is wearing a really cool gray trenchcoat with red crosses on the sleeves. The important thing here is that they want each other badly. If you can't see that...well, then go back to grade school, young one. It's really obvious.

Is that a gunblade in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Sparks fly from gunblades, and much sweat and passion is exchanged. The blond guy does the "come here" gesture with a seductive look on his face. God, this is so obvious that they might as well have a blinking sign that says "THESE GUYS ARE GAY!!!" Oh, and they're both really hot, too, in case I didn't mention that.

The blond guy knocks the other guy down with a fire spell, then cuts his forehead. There's lots of blood and it's supposed to be climactic (hehe!). The fur-n-leather guy gets up and gives the blond guy a matching injury. This is all so symbolic that I giggle in glee.

The opening movie would be perfect, except that it's ruined by blue-cape girl brainlessly falling into the arms of the gay leather jacket guy. I just...don't buy it. Girl, your man is gay. He's a butt pirate. He likes other men. It's time to move on, missy, and let him have his way with his trenchcoated lover.

The game opens with the leather-clad gay man laying in the infirmary. The characters in normal gameplay mode look nowhere near as good as the FMV, of course, but about a million and one times better than in FF7. Gone are the blocky crappy polygons. Bye-bye, icky blocks! Don't let the door hit your blocky ass on the way out!

The doctor asks gay leather man how he feels. I make him whine that his forehead hurts. Now I get to name him. Obviously, the default name is Squall (the playing dumb about the actual names was killing me here), but I name him Squally because it's oh-so-cute and I want to see his boyfriend calling him Squally. Leave me alone.

"Why don't you take it easy in training? Next time you might not be so lucky." Dr. Kadowaki says. "Tell that to Seifer," Squally replies, his face in his hand. Obviously, Seifer is the guy in the trenchcoat. Poor Squally. Seems his boyfriend is the rough type. I am confused as to why Seifer is not even mentioned as having a similar "accident". Squall gave Seifer a matching injury, didn't he? Maybe they'll explain it later.

Dr. Kadowaki asks why Squally doesn't just ignore Seifer. "Because I want him so badly I can't control myself," Squally replies. Okay, not really. Well, maybe he did in the Japanese version. What he really says is that he can't just run away. Same difference.

The doctor goes to call Squally's instructor, Quistis. Okay, so they're at a military school in case you couldn't figure that out before. She tells Quistis to come get her student, and that his injury will probably leave a scar. Squally lays back on the bed with one arm over his eyes. He looks really pathetic, and is probably having daydreams about Seifer. I know I would be.

Close-up on Squally. A girl wearing a blue shirt and white skirt looks in the window at him. " we meet again," she says mysteriously, before walking away. Squally turns his head to look at her, and she just walks away. Nice. A scene that makes no frickin' sense, but will probably have some sort of Deep Meaning. Not that they're trying too hard or anything.

FMV mode. A young blond woman walks into the infirmary. Her hair is up in the back, and she's wearing glasses and some kind of uniform. She looks a lot like me before I got my hair cut. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? She's young and hot. I'm sure Squally would be all over her...if he were straight, that is. She sighs disgustedly when she sees Squally (who is lying on his back with his legs spread, for anyone who is interested - like Seifer, for example). This must be Quistis, his instructor. I sense the "naughty teacher" fanfiction being written like gangbusters all across the land.

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