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"Not!Sauron's huge eyeball hogs the portal, greatly resembling someone standing outside a hotel room with their eye right against the peephole to freak out the person inside the room. Not that I would know -- I'm too mature to do shit like that."
     -Jeanne, Eternal Darkness Part 2




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Final Fantasy VIII : Part 10
By Jeanne
Posted 07.04.05
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
 
Squally underestimates his sexiness.

Now that Zell has been saved from nonconsensually being on the business end of a phallic object, he has to thank his rescuer. And I do mean like that. Now, there are always naysayers who, even if a video game character comes right out and says "I am gay," find a way to fanwank him into heterosexuality. Therefore, as strange as it may seem, there are people out there who will not find the following scene homoerotic. I can only assume that these people are blind or braindead. Because Zell falls to his knees, grabs Squally firmly by the hips, and presses his face into Squally's warm leather crotch, moving forward and backward rhythmically.

Hot Guy on Guy Action! XXX! (1.6MB)
 

No straight man would do this. A straight man would definitely not go at it as long as Zell does. I'm sure this scene would get a whole lot steamier if Squally weren't so paranoid about Seifer possibly catching him in the act with the chickenwuss. Squally is torn. On the one hand, Seifer just inflicted upon him the ultimate diss by ditching him for a woman, not to mention teasing him with all that bondage stuff and then hurting him and leaving him to be tortured by some random not hot guy. On the other hand, Squally believes deep, deep in his heart that there is still a chance for the two of them. Only a gunblade master knows how to please another gunblade master. Plus, they have matching scars. That has to mean something. So while Squally would kind of like to teach Seifer a lesson by taking his own pleasure from as many other young men as he can, he just can't bear to crush that one tiny chance of reuniting with his hot man meat.

That's the long way of saying that Squally makes Zell stop pleasuring him. And he ironically does this using the hilt of his gunblade. Zell stands up just in time for Quistis and Selphie to run down the stairs from the upper floor. They missed all the action. Bummer. But wait a minute -- I thought Squally, Quistis, and Selphie had ridden the elevator arm all the way to the bottom. Given that the arm needs to be operated using the upper floor panel as well as the arm control panel, how in the hell did the three SeeDs end up on a floor above Zell? I suppose when the game designers are toasted, it's difficult for them to distinguish up from down.

"Squally, why did you go on your own? Is Zell that important to you?" Selphie squeals, bouncing up and down. Squally tries to shush her -- are his friends trying to get him in trouble with Seifer? But he's saved, strangely, by a bunch of sparklies appearing along the lip of the pit. I think it's supposed to be gunfire. Or else someone's setting off firecrackers on the rim. Oh noes, what will they do!? (Just go with it -- I think we're supposed to be in suspense again.)

A few sharp bangs trigger some text boxes of anguish. The firecrackers go silent. What is this new development, you ask? Well, let's find out! This is all so exciting! The screen goes black and soon Irvine appears on this dark background. Gay cowboy to the rescue! He shoots, twirls his penisy gun, and poses homosexually before the screen fades out again. Phew, that was close!

Then, in yet another FFVIII trademark "comic relief" moment, Rinhoa appears on a staircase behind Irvine and kicks him to the floor, whining about his attempt to look "cool." "Gee, if only you had agreed with me earlier, we wouldn't be in this mess," she bitches. Gee, if only you listened to me and died horribly, this game would be a lot better.

Squally steps into the frame, torn between lust over Irvine's sexy ponytail and nausea over Rinhoa's reappearance. He'd rather go back into that torture chamber anyday. At least the warden didn't have boobies or a screechy voice. Rinhoa's Sue-sense tingles, and she hones in on Squally, shrieking his name. She sits down on the stairs, inwardly freaking, "(Squally's alive! I knew he would be. Squally's ok!)" Meanwhile, Squally looks like he's about to lose his lunch. Hopefully on Rinhoa.

Speaking of vomiting, a sappy romantic theme starts up just as Rinhoa runs down to meet Squally. He stands there blankly, thinking he should've taken Zell's proffered blowjob after all. Rinhoa continues to look at Squally expectantly until Quistis, from offscreen, orgasms over Rinhoa's continued survival. Although I wouldn't wish Rinhoa on anyone, I have to say a Rinhoa/Quistis romantic scene would at least be preferable to her clinging desperately to Squally.

Rinhoa doesn't even acknowledge Quistis's concern, still lamely waiting for Squally to notice her. Poor Irvine, who's not a Mary Sue and thus no one gives a shit about him, picks his battered body off the floor and says that yes, Rinhoa is indeed all right. Well, that's a big fucking relief. I can now sleep at night. "Courtesy of my escort," he adds, like he's just a big stud with the ladies. Zell seems a little bit jealous about this -- obviously, Irvine is his second pick if he can't have Squally -- but Rinhoa explains, "My father pulled some strings with the military. He told them to get me, and only me, out." She continues to talk over the top of Irvine, whining and moaning that he only got her out. First of all, could somebody tell me why Irvine, who was on the float with the other two, didn't end up in jail? If anyone escaped from that clusterfuck, you'd think it would be the three in the gateway. Or if it had to do with connections, then Rinhoa wouldn't have even gotten as far as the prison. Maybe Irvine has a wizard pal back at Galbadia Garden. Yeah, that's the most logical conclusion.

Rinhoa continues to rag on Irvine like a harpy, telling everyone what an awful human being he is for not helping the rest of them out. First of all, I'm guessing that Irvine didn't exactly have free rein as to who got released -- he was the escort, maybe a messenger, but he didn't get to decide anything himself. Given that premise, which admittedly assumes that the game makes sense, why in the fuck would Irvine want to break into a prison with only Rinhoa as backup? She's already proven that she can't fight without her precious Squally-Wally by her side. Good God, Rinhoa did something relatively non-wanky by coming back to help out her friends (or the people who she wants to be her friends) and I still want to fucking strangle her for being such a banshee.

Of course Irvine doesn't pitch her over the edge of the pit like he should -- he submissively apologizes and says he's seen the error of his ways. It's obvious that he's already apologized to her at least once, which makes her seem like even more of a bitch. Shut up, Rinhoa. Speaking of which, she has to point out that Irvine only agreed to help "after [she] scratched [him] to death." Which is, of course, a mature and effective way to get what you want. Irvine, the guy with the God damn firearm, is all meek and "don't hurt me!" when he tries to point out that maybe they should, like, get going or something. Good lord, just put a cap in her ass already. And that's not a euphemism.

Squally informs the newcomers of the teensy problem he encountered -- the bottom floor is surrounded by sand. Irvine is all, "DURR! We're underground." Like they're supposed to fucking know that. Just as Irvine is about to explain why the prison is underground, the inept guards discover the escapees standing out in plain sight. It's Irvine and his massive black gun to the rescue! "Squally! You choose two more party members and head on up. I'll hold'em here," Irvine tells him. Apparently, the exit is up there, but Irvine -- though he's not too busy to formulate the plan and make sure Squally stays within the three person party limit -- doesn't have the time to explain why. I wish someone would explain why no one bothered to go out the fucking exit when they were all up there before.

 
I'm sure Squally knows all about where to find the exit, if you follow me.

Just as I'm about to choose Zell and Quistis for the party, Rinhoa squeaks, "I think I know the way!" Why don't you just violate me with a razor-edged buttplug, game designers? Even though I know from previous playthroughs that Rinhoa is a required party member here, I still try to remove her. Is that considered hope or denial? Either way, I obviously choose Zell as the third member because if Squally has to deal with Rinhoa, I might as well add a penised individual to the group to even it out a bit. Poor Squally.

We don't see what happens to Quistis or Selphie, so we'll just assume they're sitting there and eating popcorn just offscreen from where Irvine takes on the undoubtedly huge group of soldiers. And he still couldn't hold his own against Rinhoa's talons. Jesus.

I guess that the previous scene took place on the 8th floor, since the trio is now on Floor 9. Again. This recap (or double recap) is already long enough that I will refrain from typing the large string of obscenities that are running through my brain at this time. Nor will I bother to recap the second journey to Floor 13. Because it's exact-fucking-ly the fucking same. The card guys are still sitting in their cells, waiting to be basstaped by Bubba. I'm surrounded by morons.

Before we get to see what thrilling events await Squally and company on the 13th floor, the action switches back to Irvine, who's just as bored as I am. Only he's irritated because Galbadia has an unlimited supply of soldiers to guard the prison. Never mind that I barely ran into any of these dudes in the first half hour or so of the prison escape. Irvine may also be irritated by the fact that both Quistis and Selphie are sitting on their asses on the floor. I'm not sure why -- they may not have projectile weapons, but they have magic. And don't tell me they're sitting down to avoid the gunfire -- sure, Selphie's sitting behind the stairs, but Quistis is on the floor between Irvine and his targets. And she sure wasn't there the last time we saw the three of them, which means she had to actively move into the line of fire and then sit down. Elite military students, indeed.

Tell me about it.
 

Quistis casually asks Irvine what they should do, since she's a woman with all the mental handicaps that entails. But then she answers her own question by suggesting they once again ride that sexy metal arm. "But they have to operate it from the control room upstairs," she points out. Yeah, and it's still on the lowest floor where they left it. Yay, more walking!

 
And you can bet he's not interested in it, if you follow me.

So let me get this straight: Irvine and the other two didn't follow Squally, Rinhoa, and Zell up to the exit because they had to hold off the soldiers. Even though Quistis and Selphie didn't do anything. But now, the three of them are leaving their post in order to go downstairs and take the elevator arm to meet the others upstairs. While there are still a buttload of soldiers around. In other words, there's really no fucking reason why I should have to do this part. I don't care if there's a three-person limit -- there are plenty of moments in the game where the non-active party members "follow along" and meet up at the destination point. I guess the game designers just thought we would enjoy several treks through the prison, since the surroundings are so varied and interesting.

We should probably be glad that the screen is dark.
 

We're starting on Floor 7, for those of you still trying to follow this trainwreck. The arm is on Floor 3. At least I think it is -- it's not like the game designers actually animate the group getting on it. End sequence.

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