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"Every other time we've used the BBP at the Fair, we've been whisked directly to the Past. None of this freakin' layover business. Let's just work under the assumption that once you know about the End of Time, all BBP's take you there. I'm too lazy to think up a slew of rationalizations for this one. *takes a drink*"
     -Ryan, Chrono Trigger Part 3

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Final Fantasy VIII : Part 10
By Jeanne
Posted 07.04.05
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
How about you take out my garbage and also throw in a blowjob for that price?
In spite of my anal-retentive FFVIII side (how fitting) screaming at me, I leave behind my one chance for this tantalizing upgrade. Only to find a save point in the next cell. Oh rapture! One thing that we learn very quickly in this game is that there is always time to play cards. Always. The world could be blowing up, you could be getting anally raped by a host of alien demons, and no one will even blink an eye if you whip out the old deck of cards.

It takes me two tries -- one of which is a draw -- to win the [Battle Meter] upgrade. Suck it, random card guy. I feel very studly right now. I think I might wank all over the forums about my 1337ness. Look forward to it. On Floor 11, the group finds another loser sitting in an unlocked cell. He whines about being bored and instead of doing something like, I don't know, fucking escaping, he begs the three SeeDs to play cards with him. I only reward idiocy when I get something decent out of it, so unless this guy has shower room videos of Squally and Seifer touching each other inappropriately, I'm going to give him a pass.

It's the robot version of a male muscle model!

On Floor 12, the group spots the pair of jerkheaded ungrateful Moombas running up the next set of stairs. Which means that we've finally reached our destination. Of course, by now I've forgotten what the hell I'm trying to do. Oh yes, Zell was "feeling lucky" that the brain-damaged Moombas would lead him to Squally.

The 13th floor (or would that be 14th? Are the Galbadians superstitious?), while still rocking the futuristic metal décor, is thankfully not another clone of the previous kerjillion floors. The SeeDs wind their way around the smaller perimeter to find a host of squawking Moombas staring at a metal door. I don't know about you, but I think there might be something important in there. But I have no idea what it is. Well, if I were to take the Moombas at their word, I'd have to guess that it's Laguna. But that's not the point -- even dogs know it's Squally.

And the game degenerates into a fursuit convention.

The door leads to the torture chamber where Squally stands propped up against the wall while a trio of Moombas stare creepily at him. It seems he didn't bother to escape, either because he's in a great amount of physical and emotional pain or, more likely, he's hoping against all hope that Seifer will return and give him a full-blown (so to speak) sexy torture session. Poor Squally.

Zell expresses his excitement using excess exclamation points, breaking his previously stoic character. Though Squally admits the torture was "hell," he has no problem walking forward and catching the gunblade that Zell chucks at him. At least, I think Zell throws it -- it magically appears in Squally's hand after Zell screams, "Catch!" so who the hell knows.

Sheathing his mighty gunblade in his own magical disappearing ass, Squally briefly wonders how the Moombas know Laguna. Personally, I don't want to know. I'm just glad that Squally has miraculously recovered all his strength and stamina after his ordeal, no matter how fucked up he was when the others found him. Hey, I'm not complaining -- it may be unrealistic, but the last thing I want is a big irritating wankst-a-thon during battles. It was irritating enough when Garnet did that in FFIX.

The music playing during this scene is called "The Oath" and is one of my favorite FF songs ever. I thought I'd mention that because I'm sure you all care. There, I said something positive about a game, so that should hold some of you whiners for a while.

Hopefully not in the biblical sense.

Outside the Disappointing Torture Chamber, Zell wonders if Squally went to the prison as Laguna in the "dream world." God, if only. There's no way that wouldn't have been an improvement. Unless it involved the story of Laguna and the Moombas. Let's not go there. It appears that the three non-Squally SeeDs were hoping that Squally would know how to get out of the prison, but now they're up shit creek. Luckily, we've got Zell's impressive intellect working for us -- he figures since they can't go up any further (the hatch leading out of the 13th floor is mysteriously unavailable to us), they might as well go down. Like that. Now that they've determined that they should head in the only direction they can go, Quistis points out that it sucked a whole truckload of ass to wind their way around every single floor. NO!

Seemingly unrelatedly, Zell wonders, "By the way, how the hell did they carry you up here, Squally?" Well, that's kind of a stupid question. Not because the answer is extremely obvious, but because it doesn't seem like a question that anyone would think to ask. As it conveniently turns out, however, the answer to this lame question is exactly what they need to know in order to proceed downward! Squally points behind Zell toward the center of the room at some unidentifiable mechanism hanging over the pit. "It's like a crane that can carry a detachable cell from downstairs," Squally explains. I'm not even going to wonder how in the hell he knows this. Because that's your job.

Fanwank time! How did Squally know the function of the elevator thingy?
In the hidden scene where the actual consummated torture took place (see my fanfiction for details), Seifer explained all that to Squally.
That's what he learned during Garden training, instead of all that important stuff about GFs and junctioning.
There was a very knowledgeable wizard being tortured right next to him.


No comment.

Selphie uses her elite powers of deduction in order to figure out that the circular pit continues all the way to the bottom. "So if we jump ALL the way down, we're outta here," she notes. This is the kind of intelligence that gets you into an elite military squad in the world of FFVIII. Although I shouldn't give her too much crap for stating the obvious, since the characters all seem to have superhuman jumping powers -- how the hell are we to know what their limits are? So here's the situation as it stands: the pit is thirteen floors deep and there's an elevator that travels between the floors. How on earth will the team manage to reach the bottom? This is going to take a bit of brainstorming.

At this exact moment Zell -- who didn't have a clue about where to go or how to escape just a few moments ago -- suddenly recalls just how to operate the mechanical arm, thanks to his brief stint as Ward. What a convenient relief. It takes a combination of "the panel above and the control room" and both need to be used at the same time. I have a sudden, unwelcome flashback to that horrible button-pushing nightmare in FFVII. Thankfully, this situation only involves some more running around and fighting random battles. Whew.

Zell explains that someone has to remain upstairs to use the control panel. Comedically, Selphie and Quistis stand on either side and nominate him in unison. "...Me?" Zell squeaks, like it's such a fucking surprise that the guy who fucking knows how to operate all this shit would be the one picked to operate it. Squally, Quistis, and Selphie enter the control room for the arm. I know this, because when the screen changes, Quistis announces that they're inside the control room for the arm. Plus, it looks like a typical control room, complete with randomly-placed TV screens for extra authenticity. Zell manages to communicate with them via the precursor to FFX-2's magical intercom. Which is just a regular intercom. Excuse me for trying to make this more interesting.

A completely boring scene ensues where Zell directs Squally to push a red button. I'm sure Squally's all about pushing Seifer's red button, and by red button, I of course mean penis. To my extreme relief, this all happens automatically. Of course, this probably means that the game designers have something else horrible and unbearable to inflict upon me, since it's unlikely that they've given up their sadistic ways.

As the arm and its control room begin moving downward, the screen immediately goes black. Since we saw that earlier FMV of the arm's operation, the game designers figured that we could just use our imaginations while the sound effects played against a black screen. It's all about stimulating our thought processes, helping us to become more creative individuals -- it's not about laziness at all. Yeah.

The lights come back up in another room that looks like a mishmash of more metal and futuristic stuff. There's a single door in the room, which isn't extremely visible, but it's not like there are that many exit options. Ideally, Squally would simply go through this door. But that would mean that we couldn't have the following stimulating conversation:

Selphie: Heeey, so what are we going to do now?
Squally: Well, there's a door over there.
Quistis: And?
Squally: ......Let's check it out.

Seriously, people. A conversation about going through THE ONLY FUCKING DOOR IN THE ROOM. When they go through this extremely important door, they find a short tunnel leading to yet another door. Thank God that Squally is allowed to just open it without a lot of excess jabbering. When he does, some sand pours into the hallway. This leads Quistis to believe that they're currently underground. Oh yeah? Maybe it's just the Galbadian prison sand storage room. Okay, they're underground. I don't know the logistics of opening a door with a metric fuckton of sand outside it, but the three kids may be lucky that the tunnel didn't fill up faster than...okay, I think I will refrain from typing that out. Let's just say it had to do with Seifer's schlong and Squally's ass. Use your imagination.

So the trio deduces that the sand door is a dead end. Just then, a sound catches Selphie's attention. "Gunfire?" Quistis wonders. "Sounds pretty bad..." Squally comments. Except that it totally doesn't -- it's barely audible. "ZELL!!!" Quistis and Selphie totally freak. Ladies, even if Zell is getting shot at, it's not like he can't handle any of the wussy guards in this dump on his own. But the three of them take off anyway to rescue the little shit.

Cut to one of the many identical floors. The guards have indeed discovered Zell and are in the process of chasing him down. Although Zell thinks there are too many of them, he still manages to hold his own against the two that catch him as he runs frantically toward the down staircase. But listen to the urgent music! This is totally scary and suspenseful!

As he reaches the part of the circle toward the front of the screen, everything goes black, a sharp sound is heard, and the lights come up to reveal the Warden pointing a gun at Zell, who's on his knees. I'm sure that isn't the first time Zell's been on the ground with a phallic object pointed at his face. Though gloves against guns works on the battle screen, the game designers have switched the rules around again in order to add drama. So just as Zell is about to be sent to the big hotdog stand in the sky, Squally jumps into the screen and violates the evil warden with his gunblade. Payback for the letdown torture session, I can only assume.

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