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  -Part 1 :: [02.13.02]
  -Part 2 :: [02.13.02]
  -Part 3 :: [04.08.02]
  -Part 4 :: [01.09.03]
  -Part 5 :: [08.17.03]
  -Part 6 :: [09.07.04]
  -Part 7 :: [12.11.04]
  -Part 8 :: [12.11.04]
  -Part 9 :: [07.04.05]
  -Part 10 :: [07.04.05]
  -Part 11 :: [01.28.09]


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"The object of the mini-game is to get Pooh to fly out of the swing and land on a certain spot several yards away where Eeyore's tail is hidden in his house. Yes, I know, I just ruined the totally shocking surprise ending of this mini-game and now you're going to cry into your pillows. Just remember -- I am not the one who replaced Christopher Robin with an icky girl, nor am I the one who wrote a smutty slashfic about the 'Hundred Acres of Penis Orgy' starring all our happy Wood-land friends."
     -Kelly, Kingdom Hearts Part 12




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Final Fantasy VIII : Part 3
By Jeanne
Posted 04.08.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Squally, as he just told Toothpick Legs, can't dance. She pushes and pulls him around on the dance floor, foreshadowing the way in which she will eventually try to mold him to be more like she thinks he should be. Squally tries to leave the dance floor a few times....but Toothpick Legs PULLS HIM BACK. Girls, don't do this to high school guys. They will hate you. Unless they are really desperate and take any kind of attention (even psycho attention) as a good thing. But then why would you want to date someone like that? Have some pride. (In Squally's case, that would be gay pride).

Partway through the waltz, Squally bumps into some people and is mortified. But Toothpick Legs smiles at him, and suddenly Squally remembers all the old movie musicals he's watched and the way everyone instantaneously knows all the dance steps. He also imagines that he is the pretty young ingénue, and Seifer is the strapping young male romantic lead who will sweep him off his feet, and in this frenzy of bliss, Squally manages to make it through the rest of the dance without looking like too much of an asshole.

 
Oh Seifer, where could you be?

When the dance is finished, Squally comes back to his senses to find the young woman in his arms. The only fireworks here are the cheesy ones that the game designers put in to make it even more apparent that this is an Important Scene. Before Squally can pull away in disgust, Toothpick Legs spots someone across the room and runs off to meet him or her. Squally looks after her sadly, realizing that his fantasy of Seifer was just that: a fantasy. He would cry if he were Tidus.

Back in gameplay mode, Squally stands alone on the balcony, feeling sorry for himself. Quistis approaches him, dressed in her regular pink outfit. She compliments him on the dance, telling him that it was perfect. She must have missed the first half, or else she's just trying to get in his pants. Squally replies, "Thank you." After several moments of silence, Quistis gets all passive-aggressive and says, "So you'll dance with someone you don't even know, but you can't stand being around me?" Oh, please. Not only was he forced into the dance, but he's so obviously gay he wouldn't want you anyway, Quistis. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CAN NONE OF THE WOMEN IN THIS GAME TAKE A FUCKING HINT?! Squally reminds Quistis that they are instructor and student, and that he's gay and wants Seifer.

Squally would probably need a map to find Quistis' 'secret area'.
 

"...Oh, I completely forgot. I wonder what's to become of me?" Quistis randomly says. Of course she won't elaborate. I hate when people pull this dramatic "woe is me" shit and they SO want you to ask what's wrong so they can share some annoyingly dramatic problem they've brought upon themselves. I never ask, and I know it annoys the crap out of them. Serves 'em right. Anyway, Quistis gives Squally an order to meet her in the "secret area". I am intrigued, and yet this can only end badly. According to Quistis, there's an area inside the [training center] where students go to talk (read: make out) after curfew. Squally asks what Quistis wants to do there, and if they're going to bust the students for violating curfew. Oh, such an innocent young Squally. This should be Quistis' 188th hint that she's barking up the wrong tree. Key words: "should be". She tells him to get changed and meet her in the [training center]. "This will be my last order," Quistis finishes cryptically.

Squally goes back to his room and changes into his gay leather outfit, then meets Quistis in the [training center]. Of course it wouldn't be Quistis if she didn't give a random tutorial, this time on status junctioning. After the tutorial, Squally and Quistis head into the training center. It looks like a rejected set from Jurassic Park, complete with electric fences, jungle vegetation, and T-Rexes (aka T-Rexaurs). Squally runs away like a little bitch when he encounters T-Rexaurs, but wouldn't you? Apart from the T-Rexaurs, there is exactly one kind of monster in the training center: grats. And I have to fight a million of them before reaching the damn secret area. Getting from point A to point B is never easy in an RPG.

Some romantic string music starts playing as Squally and Quistis enter the secret area. There are several students already there, and they ain't fighting grats (tm Karen). Quistis says she hasn't been there in some time, and I realize that Quistis has probably gotten around. Luckily for all these romance-minded students (I'm trying to put a less horndoggish spin on things here -- go with it), this area in the middle of the training center that just happens to be monster-free also has a lovely view of Garden.

Squally and Quistis stand there in uncomfortable silence. Squally is imagining Seifer and himself making some time in the "secret area", so to speak. Quistis interrupts his thoughts to ask what time it is. When Squally tells her it's after midnight, Quistis announces that she is no longer an instructor. "Oh really...?" Squall asks disinterestedly, trying to get back to his daydream. "Is that all you're going to say?" Quistis wonders. Squally basically tells her to deal with it. Quistis keeps going. "They told me that I failed as an instructor. Basically, that I lacked leadership qualities." Yeah, because hitting on your student and bringing him to the secret area is such a professional thing to do. After several more moments of silence, Quistis magically transforms into Exposition!Quistis. "I was a SeeD by the age of 15, got my instructor license at 17...It's only been a year since I got it..." Obviously Quistis is also a product of the "super-powered RPG teenager" syndrome.

 
Mr. Tactful strikes again.

Squally turns away, bored, as Quistis rambles on. Finally, she notices that he's not listening. "Are you done yet...? I don't wanna talk about it," he pouts. Quistis is taken aback. Squally is probably the first guy in the history of Garden to turn her down. Squally doesn't want to hear Quistis' problems. "I'm not asking you to say anything. I just want you to listen." Quistis tells him. "Then go talk to a wall," Squally replies snidely. Ooh, burn! They have the big conversation that reiterates what we already knew: Squally is an antisocial loner who doesn't want to depend on anyone else or help anyone else. And he's gay and in love with Seifer (hey, if they can be repetitive, so can I, damn it). He walks away. Poor Quistis wonders if "they" were right about her. The camera pans slowly up to the night sky, but thankfully, there's no shooting star this time.

Squally and Quistis try to leave the training center (fighting many a grat along the way), but they stumble upon a damsel in distress. It's the chick from the infirmary at the beginning of the game! She knows both Squally and Quistis (whom she calls "Quisty") for some reason, which will likely be revealed to us later at an Important Moment. Infirmary Chick is being attacked by the only monster in the training center that is not a grat or T-Rexaur. That means it's a boss. Damn it.

The boss, a big hornet named Granaldo, has several armored mole sidekicks, all named Raldo. Aw, isn't that cute? They rhyme! Squally and Quistis finish the happy little group off quite easily. Because I rock. After the battle, some sad music starts playing, and Infirmary Chick falls to her knees for some odd reason. Two guys in white SeeD uniforms show up to help her to her feet. Sorry guys, but the white uniforms just don't work. They lead Infirmary Chick away, while Squally and Quistis stare after them in confusion. I'm confused, too. Squally is thinking of how hot Seifer would look in a SeeD uniform, though not one of those ugly white ones. I'm thinking that, too. "Who was that...?" Quistis wonders just before the camera fades to black. I'm wondering that....okay, you get the point.

Outside the training center, Quistis takes leave of Squally. "Squally. It's not like everyone can get by on their own, you know?" she says before walking away. "...Says who?" Squally mutters to himself. Gee, I wonder if Squally is going to do a personality 180 and realize that he really does need to depend on others in his life. Perhaps Toothpick Legs Chick will be the reason for his change, because "True Love" conquers all and teaches us to Be Better People. Maybe I'll get through this recap without puking. Maybe not.

Squally returns to his dorm room to find Zell waiting for him. Every person Squally has met thus far in the game has turned into a psycho stalker. No wonder the assholic Seifer looks good by comparison. Zell informs Squally that they now have single rooms. Squally immediately starts fantasizing about what he can do with Seifer now that he has a single room. He goes to his new room to continue the fantasy, but we don't get to see exactly what he does when he gets there.

The next morning, Squally wakes up, still in his gay leather clothing. Selphie is knocking on his door. She announces that they're going on their first SeeD mission. "Looks like we're going to [Timber]. Meet [by the front gate].

With that, I think it's time to leave poor Squally alone. He's been stalked quite enough during this recap.

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