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  -Part 7 :: [12.11.04]
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"Before this completely nonsensical dialogue can progress much further, my heroes the Esthar soldiers show up. And they aren't there to engage in small talk. Or buttsex, for that matter. I have to clarify that in this game."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy VIII Part 6

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Final Fantasy VIII : Part 7
By Jeanne
Posted 12.11.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Zell points out for those of us who are slower than a snail made out of Tidus's brain that Caraway is a high-ranking officer in the Galbadian government and Rinhoa is the leader of an anti-Galbadian resistance group. And this sucks quite a high volume of ass. Caraway agrees. But as he walks over to one of the fancy windows and looks out over the confusing city, he notes that it's really none of their business. Squally thinks to himself that it is their business, as "Garden's directive and Rinhoa's orders have the same value to [them]." I don't know whether to admire his adherence to his strict military training, even though it clearly goes against his own desires, or whether to roll my eyes at his refusal to give Rinhoa's whole stupid problem the lack of attention it deserves.

Squally has a moment of retardation and can't just let it be. "Once our mission is accomplished here, we're working for Rinhoa, as per our contract," he snits. "I don't know what your situation is, but please don't interfere when the time comes." Jesus, who peed in your cornflakes, Squally? Caraway wonders what will happen if he does, in fact, choose to interfere. "(What's his problem?)" Squally wonders, like he didn't just challenge the guy. The view changes to the entire room as Squally replies, "We're all SeeDs here. We'll act accordingly." With that, the SeeDs assume "threatening" stances. Christ, Squally, this guy is keeping Rinhoa out of your hair. You should be kissing his freaking feet, not getting into a dick measuring contest. Dumbass. And the rest of you can just get over yourselves as well.

From his seat behind the desk, Irvine is all, "Hey, cool it, man." He reminds everyone of that whole sorceress assassination thing. You know, the main plot here. Caraway heads out the door to not just tell, but to show them the plan. This part involves Caraway speaking out loud and Squally contributing his internal monologue at the same time. So pay attention. "I'm sure you know about the Galbadian government reaching an agreement with Sorceress Edea," Caraway begins. "(So the sorceress' name is Edea...)" Squally notes. Obviously, we're working with a brilliant and dangerous mind here. Jesus. In light of this grand event, a ceremony is taking place that very evening. Wow, good thing they didn't fuck around at the tomb too long. Of course, it's always nighttime in Deling City, so that's how the game designers got around that pesky little time discrepancy. Not that they really try that hard for the rest of the sequence.

Squally likes the sound of that.

The entire group follows Caraway down his front walk. Out on the street in front of his mansion, Caraway informs them that the ceremony will be at the Presidential Residence. In less formal terms, Vinzer's hizzouse. "During the ceremony, you will split up into two teams and get in position," Caraway continues, leading them to the plaza in front of said hizzouse. "The [gateway team] will enter the gateway and stand by. The [sniper team] will stand by at the front of the Presidential Residence until the ceremony is over." He picks a spot on the sidewalk across the street from the president's house, and says that the [sniper team] will wait there. "(So, we're gonna divide into 2 teams: the [sniper team] and the [gateway team].)" Squally, the genius, informs us. He even got the font colors right! What a wonder!

The view changes to a shot of the Presidential Residence, which is, of course, large and impressive. A ginormous gate guards the front of it from would-be assassins. Caraway says that there will be a parade for the sorceress after the ceremony. And everyone loves a parade. At that time, the gates will open to allow the parade to pass through. Until then, the [sniper team] must not cause a ruckus. This would include activities such as cutting through the crowd with a gunblade like Twink cutting down grass in Wind Wanker, or screaming, "Hey! We're here to put a cap in Edea's ass!" Such things would be bad and might lead to a cancellation of the parade. Squally absorbs this information, wondering if a quickie with a hot cowboy behind a tree would count as a commotion.

With the gates open, the [sniper team] will sneak into the place. Caraway's reasoning is that the parade will distract the guards and the people from noticing a group of armed teenagers entering the residence. Apparently, Vinzer Deling skimped on the guard-hiring fund, ending up with mentally-impaired asshats with the attention span of Tidus. The view changes to a hallway, as Caraway explains that the [sniper team] will head for the roof. "In the [corridor] by the sorceress' room, there is a [hatch] that leads to the clocktower." I'm confused about the font color of the explanation not matching the font color of the team in question. Someone help me to understand this complicated plan!

According to Caraway, the book depository clocktower contains a "carousel clock" as well as a sniper rifle that was undoubtedly placed there by a wizard. We see a shot of this. "Stand by in the clock tower until exactly 20:00." We cut back to the overhead view of the plaza. Caraway stands in front of the gate, explaining that the parade will begin there. Yes, we got that. Also, the sorceress will be riding on the parade float. Caraway then demonstrates the parade route by running all over the fucking place. First, the float will turn left. So Caraway runs all the way to the left of the screen. I make my party follow him just for the comedy value. Because seriously, this is pretty silly. Plus, you'd think it might be a tad suspicious if a general of the army was out in the open, very obviously demonstrating the exact movements of the parade to the aforementioned group of armed teenagers. But these are the same guards who fail to guard an open gate, so maybe that's why Caraway isn't exactly exercising a lot of caution here.

Anyway, the parade float will circle around the outer road of the city -- I'll take Caraway's word that there is such a road -- and return to this area from the right side of the screen. Cue spastic running. From there, it will turn right, which leads it straight ahead to the giant golden gateway in the center of the city. Caraway announces, "Here's where the [gateway team] comes into play." You don't say.

Cut to the gateway. "At exactly 20:00, the parade will pass under the gateway," Caraway announces. Wow, that is one meticulously -- or rather, anal retentively -- planned parade. Cut to beneath the gateway, next to a little door. When the sorceress passes beneath the gate, the [gateway team] will work the controls and drop the gates, trapping the float and the sorceress.

We get a fabulous shot of the glowing carousel clock popping out of the tower, complete with holographic juggling clowns and giant rabbits. What ruthless dictator wouldn't want something like that on his house? When the clock pops up at 20:00, the sniper team will ride it up -- not like that -- and have a clear shot at the sorceress. Well, except for the bars of the gate and the back of the float itself, but never mind those. "Take the open shot...............BANG!" Caraway describes theatrically, accompanied by a White Screen Flash of Drama.

The gayest clock ever.

And that's the whole plan. No one seems to notice or care that there isn't exactly an escape plan for this mission. Caraway announces that the SeeDs can go do whatever the fuck they want, as long as they stay out of trouble. "(Who do you think we are? ...We're not like your daughter.)" Squally snits internally. Caraway just orders the SeeDs to return to his house whenever they're ready. No rush, nothing like a deadline to worry about. Then he calmly walks off to do whatever it is that generals plotting against the government's new allies do with their free time. Probably get lost in the city, if he's anything like me.

Is he talking about Rinhoa's lobotomy? Too late.

Speaking of which, Squally eventually finds his way back to the mansion. He's had his fill of the city and its surrounding area (read: I'm trying to get this over with), so it's go time. Back in Caraway's office, the general announces that it's time to form the teams. The sniper team will, in a surprising twist, include the sniper, Irvine. Well, spank my ass and call me a bitch. The sniper team will also include the "leader of this operation." Whoever this might turn out to be (just play along) will be responsible for "carry[ing] out a direct assault against the sorceress" if Irvine fucks up his shot. Irvine gives a little wave at this, trying to be all Mr. Cool and Confident. "The plan was devised carefully, because we intend this to be a covert operation," General Caraway says. "That's why I led you out into the street and explained the plan to you in full earshot of any old schmoe who might be walking by."

His point in mentioning this is that in spite of this supposed secrecy intention, the main purpose is to kill the sorceress. So, like, too bad for these poor chumps if they get caught and stuff. Only he says it a lot more militarily. Again, no one seems to have the slightest reaction to this. "So, who's going to lead the operation?" Caraway wonders after all that. One after another, the SeeDs and Irvine all turn to look at Squally. It only stands to reason -- he's got the biggest penis gunblade penis gunblade, after all. And he knows how to use it. Squally readily accepts this appointment, unafraid of anything now that his true love has perished

'Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, we had to outsource the operation to a group of brain-damaged apes. I'm sure this won't cause any problems.'

Since Squally is now the leader, Caraway lets him make the rest of the decisions. "The [gateway team] will be..." Squally begins, looking at the only three people left. Wow, being a leader is full of tough choices. Zell is a little too excited about being on the team, but he's probably just covering up his disappointment at not making it onto the sniper team with the boys. Interesting that one team is named after a phallic sort of act, and the other team is named after something rather vaginal. Once again, I'm here to point out this kind of stuff to you. Hey, if you didn't like hidden meanings and symbolism, you wouldn't wank about them on message boards all the time, would you?

Now Squally gets to pick a leader for the gateway team. This is obviously a no-brainer since two of the members have no brains. Except that Zell thinks his penis entitles him to a leadership post. He starts punching the air enthusiastically. Squally internally apologizes to the little bastard, then chooses Quistis. Zell goes limp. With everyone assigned, Caraway leads the way out of the house. I gain control of Quistis, which may be the first time I haven't controlled Squally or his dream counterpart. Unfortunately, I can't unleash any girl power, which takes all the fun out of it.

As Quistis opens the office door to follow General Caraway, Rinhoa stumbles inside, chirping, "Hi!" Fuck. Cue the Selphie dog poop shoe check with good reason. "Finally got out of there! Did that man say something?" Rinhoa wonders. "He said you were a worthless piece of shit and your mom should have swallowed that load," Quistis doesn't quite say. But man, I would buy every copy of FFVIII in existence if she did. Actually, Zell tries to put her off, redeeming him somewhat after his spazzing and wanksting. "Where's Squally?" Rinhoa whines. "I'm sorry Rinhoa, but we have to get going," Quistis tells her. "Also, he's gay. GAY. GAAAAAAAAAAY." But Rinhoa's not ready to let these trained soldiers carry out their important mission. Digging in her side pocket, she pulls out...something. "Take a look at this!!!" she shrills. "This" turns out to be an Odine Bangle that she found by rooting through her daddy's dresser. Which isn't at all creepy or lame. The Odine Bangle, according to Rinhoa, will "suppress the sorceress' powers." How she knows this, we never find out. Why her dad had this thing hidden in his room, we never find out. But who cares when we can have plot contrivance?

"But, its effects are still unknown. So I don't think they're going to use it for this mission," Rinhoa pulls out of her ass. "If it's Odine brand, it should be pretty effective! They're NO.1 when it comes to magical goods," Zell comments. Good God, don't encourage her. During this exchange Quistis just puts her head in her hand and shakes it. Finally, she loses it at that worthless bint. "So what exactly do you want to do with it!? Are you planning to have the sorceress put it on!?" Quistis yells. "Who? When? How?" Rinhoa is not fazed by this smackdown. "That's what we're going to discuss," she snots, hands on hips. Quistis yells at her some more, pointing out that they're already starting their mission. "This isn't a father-daughter quarrel. This isn't a game," Quistis finishes the smackdown, then turns and leaves the room, Selphie and Zell in tow. Quistis is officially my hero. God, that was wonderful. I think I need a cigarette now. Of course, Rinhoa just ignores this whole thing, as she looks up and to the side, most likely with a snotty expression on her face. What a bitch.

As soon as everyone leaves, Rinhoa talks out loud to herself. "Who said this was a game...?" she whines dramatically. She sinks to the floor, muttering something about her plan. Which I'm sure is just as brilliant as she is. I think I'm experiencing the Tidus and Shion Effect where it's possible to hate a character more than infinity. And if that makes me a sad little person, then so be it.

While Rinhoa throws herself a pity parade, we cut to Squally and Irvine following General Caraway out the front door. You know, now might be a good time to mention that I have this fanwanky idea of General Caraway having this totally accurate gaydar and using it to figure out that every single "boyfriend" that Rinhoa brings home is a raging homosexual. And that only adds to her hatred of him, even though he's just trying to save her from heartbreak, really. It's all so sad. Anyway, I have no idea why I think that, but if people can write fanfiction where Harry Potter consensually takes it in the butt from Draco Malfoy and become super internet fandom stars over it, I think I can have my own pet theories without getting irate letters, thank you very much.

So yeah. Back to the plot! "I'll make the first charge when we make the full-on attack. I'll try to buy some time," Squally says to Irvine, feeling like a strong brute man. Irvine insists that he will hit his target, of course. The gateway team emerges from the house, fresh from the glorious verbal bitchsmacking. Squally, after using the facilities (aka the save point) follows them. Selphie forgets to close the door behind her which isn't very polite.

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