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"We get several pointless shots of the room, and then Tightass starts whining about needing food. What he needs is to shut up."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy X Part 1




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Final Fantasy VIII : Part 6
By Jeanne
Posted 09.07.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
As Martine gets into his big yellow truck, Irvine turns toward him and does what Cartman would call a fingerbang. "BANG!" he wanks, pretending to shoot Martine. Oh, that seems like a great thing to do to your superior. Then again, maybe Martine likes being fingerbanged.

After Martine leaves, I get control of Squally. For some stupid reason, I talk to Rinhoa first. What was I thinking? Incidentally, this triggers the next cut scene, so I'll never know what fascinating information the others have to offer. She wonders what their orders are, as if she really is a SeeD. Instead of laughing at her and telling her to fuck off, Squally obliges. Idiot. After doing yet another buildup about how this is the most important mission ever in the whole wide world, Squally announces that they are to assassinate the sorceress. Hee -- ASSASSinate. By now we've figured this out from the endless talking and hinting and blabbing, but everyone still looks kind of surprised.

As for how they'll do so, Irvine will act as a sniper. If he fucks up for whatever reason, the rest of them will beat her up with their close range weapons. Irvine gets all defensive over this last part. "Thanks for the support, but I never miss my target," he brags. Squally just ignores him, perhaps inwardly a little curious about what "target practice" with Irvine would be like. Squally informs them that they'll need to travel to Deling City, the capital of Galbadia, which we've already visited as Laguna. "There, we'll meet up with General Caraway to go over the details for the plan," Squally continues. Perhaps they'll have a quick conference with General Dillweed and General Cumin while they're at it.

It's time to blow this popstand, and we know Squally's a pro at that. Irvine has already figured out the rule of three-person parties, as he decides that they'll need to split into two groups. And he definitely has a group in mind. After the Black Screen of Lazy Game Designers, Irvine has Selphie and Rinhoa on either side of him. "How's this?" he skeeves, practically screaming "I LOVE CHICKS!!!!!!!!!!" But if he really did love the ladies, he would have picked Quistis. I mean, hello. I get to pick a response here. Squally can either accept Irvine's choice ("Yeah, whatever.") or refuse ("...That's no good."). Though I'm sure Squally wouldn't object to being in a party with Irvine and Zell, as long as he's not stuck with Rinhoa, he's happy. So, true to character, I choose the first option.

"Have a good time..." Squally says sarcastically. Selphie and Rinhoa reel in shock. "Are you being sarcastic!?" Selphie screeches, a little slow as usual. "You are, aren't you! Well, fine then! We WILL have a good time!" Rinhoa snits, "We understand very well." She can't believe that Squally would let her go off with some other man because he obviously loves her so very very much and they're going to get married and have lots of babies!!!!! Sadly attempting to make Squally jealous, Rinhoa sidles up to Irvine. Well, he would fit her requirements for an ideal boyfriend, so this isn't a huge stretch here. Irvine is all, "CHICKS CHICKS CHICKS I LOVE CHIIIIIIIIIIICKS!!!!!" "Irvy Kinnepooo! I'll make you happy!" Selphie whores, snuggling up to him as well. Squally thinks to himself, "Did I say something terrible? Women... I don't understand them. Good thing I prefer men."

As Irvine walks off, secretly hoping he won't actually have to have sex with any vaginas, Quistis announces that she feels sick. Yeah, I feel that way whenever Rinhoa speaks, too. Zell calls Irvine a loser, as if he's jealous of the female attention. Right, Zell. We're really buying that. Quistis tries to sidle up to a reluctant Squally, making fun of Rinhoa and Selphie's idiotic behavior. She's taller than him for extra comic value. Zell runs forward, determined to beat the Beard Bunch to the station, like it's going to make his penis grow or something.

After a completely unnecessary tutorial on party member switching, Squally heads out to the world map. The station is close enough to prevent any random battles. Unlike East Academy, this station actually has its own area with people and stairs and shit. Unfortunately, the train ride rapes me out of 3000 of my hard-earned SeeD money. Fuckers.

As soon as Squally steps onto the train, he makes a big production of opening the door to the next car. This little train door mini-plot gives us such deep and meaningful character development. Squally has to try to leave to trigger the entrance of the Beard Bunch. "Hee! You caught on!" Selphie squeals, running to the next chamber. The train departs, as we can tell from the intercom announcement as well as the jarring motion and sound effects.

"This is the only train bound for Deling City anyway," Rinhoa clutches her stomach...in laughter? Because the intercom said the train was bound for Deling City? Everyone moves around spastically. I have no idea what just happened here. "Hmm... Perhaps it's fate?" Irvine randomly says, following Selphie into the other chamber. "So what do we do about HIM?" Zell wonders, as if he himself is not part of the annoyance problem. Squally talks to everyone, and they all suggest that he go save Selphie from the clumsy advances of the in-denial Irvine. Whatever.

 
'He might stain the sheets!'

So Squally follows him into the next room. "Selphie... We're destined to be together!" Irvine gushes, the back of his hand to his forehead. Wow, he must be setting some sort of record for trying too hard. Selphie simply brushes him off, and I wonder if her gaydar is honed a little better than that of the other women. Irvine returns to the entrance room, not too upset over being rejected by the supposed love of his life. Squally talks to Selphie, who says -- get this -- "My heart's pounding... What is this I'm feeling?" Forget what I said about the gaydar -- all the women in this game are dumber than rocks and will go after anything with a wang. Jeebus Cripes. Squally basically tells her to get over herself. If anyone's going to be riding cowboys, it'll be him. If Seifer really is dead, anyway. Can't cheat on the main man.

Squally returns to the other chamber to find Irvine pulling the same shit on Rinhoa. Rinhoa can't defend herself as well as Selphie, so she hides behind Quistis. "Irvine Kinneas! You're playing a major role in this mission. Now behave yourself!" Quistis bitches.

But Irvine is very like a teenager on a message board. Instead of stopping when he's told to stop, he unloads a big fucking sob story on the group. When a monologue starts out with "No one understands me..." you know you can pretty much tune out anything that follows. Indeed, his entire LONG speech can be boiled down to "I'm so lonely because being a sharpshooter is haaaaaaaaaaard." No, it doesn't make sense, no matter how poetic and blathery he makes it. "So like... Just do me a favor, and let me be!" he sobs at the end. God, this guy sucks. And poor Squally doesn't even have a banhammer like I do. "You get my drift?" Irvine snits at Zell. Zell, pissed (and I can't say I blame him this time), punches the floor of the train. In what the game designers probably intend to be comic relief, the entire train shakes and the whistle blows. The intercom person announces, "Err, there was no damage to the train from that, err, minor vibration..." See, it's funny because Zell got mad and made the train shake! Yeah, I don't know either.

It's always awkward when someone you just met starts sharing masturbation stories.
 

So all that very clearly took place while the train was moving, right? Well, back on the overworld map, we see the train pull out from the station and make it all the way to Deling City in literally ten seconds. Déjà vu. So no matter how you fanwank it, this makes no sense. Ah, I love my job. The station is actually underneath the city. We get to hear the Deling City music for the second time, and if you don't like it, you're screwed, since you'll be hearing it a lot. I didn't describe it before, but it sounds like porno music played on a harpsichord.

The group heads down an escalator, ending up in a room with another escalator going up. This takes them to the main level of the city. As they emerge onto the plaza, we get an impressive glimpse of a large golden arch (not to be confused with the golden arches), a fancy fountain, and loads of phallic banners. In fact, I believe this is the same place where Laguna and his pals parked their vehicle in that first Laguna dream. Something that looks like a large pink balloon with lots of penises sticking out of it floats in the sky opposite a Batman-style searchlight with the Galbadia crest on it. We're supposed to understand that this is no Podunk. I think we get it.

 
PENISES! PENISES EVERYWHERE!

Quistis reminds Squally that they're headed to General Caraway's mansion. "We're here as back-up from Galbadia Garden. Don't blow our cover," Squally wanks to her, like he's some big fucking stud for being a SeeD for two whole days and can talk down to the woman who has been a SeeD for three years. Shut it, Squally. He wonders to himself if Laguna is in the city. God, I hope not.

Getting around this city is extremely difficult for someone as directionally-impaired as myself. There are screens that look similar to each other but are in different places of the city, so I get all turned around and shit. Luckily, I'm not forced to walk around until I throw a controller-breaking, obscenity-screaming tantrum. Instead, I can ride buses that take me to various parts of the city. The buses shake and tilt like an SUV going around a corner, but they get the job done.

On the bus ride over to the mansion, Squally wonders if Caraway is attempting a coup d'etat. "No... I don't think he's out to overthrow the president," Squally decides as if he has any fucking clue. After getting off -- the bus, you perverts -- the trio gets three feet onto the front walk before encountering a guard. Caraway's Guard, as he is creatively called, is under orders to not let them in. "I believe he's been informed of our arrival," Squally snits. Well, yeah, but Caraway wants to test their skillz before he'll allow them to carry out this important mission. Which is probably a good idea, but still. Dick.

This "test" is actually a fetch quest in disguise. But I'm not fooled. Squally and the others must travel to the nearby [Tomb of the Unknown King] and bring back proof that they went there. The proof in question is a code number. A code number in a tomb. Sure, that makes sense. Just wait, it gets better. When Zell pitches a hissy, Caraway's Guard explains, "There are many students like yourself who wish to call on General Caraway." He makes it sound like this guy is some sort of sugar daddy. Also, if Caraway was expecting them, why is he testing them as if they're just some random peon students coming to visit? I would understand if he was testing their suitability for the mission, which was intimated a few seconds ago, but that's not what this guy just said.

"There was a student from Galbadia Garden yesterday, who has yet to return from the test at the [Tomb of the Unknown King]. [blah, blah, blah] Your objective is to go to the [Tomb of the Unknown King], look for traces of this lost student, and return with his ID number." Hold on a second. So this guy has been gone for a whole day, and Squally's supposed to find this guy's ID number? And not, you know, rescue the guy? And what was that guy's test? Does each person who gets sent to the tomb have to bring back some different sort of proof, or does each one have to retrieve the ID number of the dead student before? And according to the guard, he knows that the ID number is located close to the entrance, so they can just get it and leave if they want. How does he know where it is? If he went there to find the ID number, why didn't he bother to find out what happened to the guy?

Obviously I've put a lot more thought into this lameass fetch quest than the game designers did in the entire process of writing and coding it. So I will stop in order to save myself further cranial bruises. All we need to know is that the fetch quest is necessary to move the plot along. I can pay the guard to give me the ID number, but fuck it -- this guy just gave me a dumb fetch quest, he can suck my proverbial penis. I'm going to finish this quest, so there. Plus, there's the added bonus of you getting to enjoy my pain, so how could I possibly resist giving you guys what you like?

As this recap is already longer than Pinocchio's...nose, I won't bother with the Tomb until the next part. But there's one more thing to take care of before I sign off -- namely, getting a new GF. With every bit of my recaps memorized, you will undoubtedly recall the magic lamp that Cid gave to Squally before he left. Well, this magic lamp is not filled with a flamboyant genie who will fulfill every one of Squally's carnal desires. Instead, it contains a mean demon named Diablos who enjoys using Squally for his carnal desires. If Squally can somehow defeat this guy, Diablos will join as a GF. And he's nifty, despite his appetite for forcible sodomy.

I will spare you the grueling details of my battle. Or, more accurately, battles. By now, you know my verbal and physical reactions to particularly difficult boss monsters, so you should be able to conjure a very detailed picture in your mind. Except please leave my clothes on, perverts. I didn't tape the battle where I actually won, as I figured I would just die again in disgrace, but I think Diablos wankily blamed his defeat on his long slumber in the lamp. Whatever, sore loser.

I decide to give Diablos a new name, befitting of his behavior in battle: Dickhead. Not that I'm bitter.

Next time, we'll finish the stupid fetch quest so that General Caraway will graciously allow Squally into his home. Ass. Will Squally ever find closure for his lost love? Find out in Part 7!

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