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"Gangsters. Two of them, partners in crime. Both are horse hybrids, like some type of bizarro centaur thugs. Thanks to the magic of fanfiction, they're probably even doing each other, too. ...Balio and Sunder are now re-christened Bonnie and Clydesdale. It had to be done. It was begging to be done. I'm only human!"
     -Ryan, Breath of Fire III Part 3

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Final Fantasy VIII : Part 6
By Jeanne
Posted 09.07.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
We come at last to Part 6 of Squall and Seifer Are Gay: The Game. In the last installment, we spent way too much God damn time following Rinhoa's lamebrained plans and listening to her throw whiny fits. Seifer of all people wound up saving the day for his ex-beard and was lured off by the sorceress aka the newly-appointed Galbadian peace ambassador. Still following? Squally and the others left the town of Timber for Galbadia Garden. Seifer was possibly executed.

We left the group at East Academy Station, which is essentially a tiny platform in the middle of nowhere on the world map. Of course I don't remember where to go, but according to the strategy guide, I should head toward the small forest nestled between two mountains like Wakka's head between Lulu's boobs. Galbadia Garden is past there or something.

Instead of simply being just another feature on the world map, this special forest leads us to a cut scene. Zell and Rinhoa, left behind by the others, obviously had a better map than I did because they're already waiting for Squally and the others when they arrive. Quistis makes some pointless small talk about how they're almost to Galbadia Garden. This prompts Selphie to announce what she was "just thinking": "There might be some bad news from the Galbadian government. What if we get caught and then get broadcast to the whole world...!?" I'm not sure what the fuck she's on about, or why she's worrying about getting caught now. Zell, still being kind of a freak, yells at her to just keep going and deal with whatever happens. I agree, except for the constipated stance and the spastic way of saying it. But then he ruins it by whining, "I, I'm worried about Balamb Garden." As we all remember, Zell's big mouth put Balamb Garden in danger. Of course the game designers have to make Zell remind us, just in case there's someone in the audience with extreme short term memory loss. Shit, I remembered it without checking the last recap, and I haven't played this game in over a year.

Anyway, Zell walks up to Squally, and in a fruitless attempt at getting some reassurance from his homosexual leader, he asks, "You think the president will retaliate on Garden?" Now, as we know, asking Squally a question is a little bit different than asking your LJ friends list if you were out of line when you threw a big dramatic screaming fit at your boyfriend. There's no brainless and completely false support from Squally. He tells it like it is. "Maybe," he responds. Zell sighs dramatically, then gets all up in Squally's personal space and starts rhythmically pushing and pulling at him like he's trying to hand hump him. Zell tries again to wring some comfort from Squally, asking if the SeeDs could be defeated by the Galbadian army. "Depends on how strong the army is," Squally responds, perfectly reasonably.

When Zell can't think of anything to say in response, Rinhoa has to pipe up in her shrill nagging voice. "Oh, you're just a great leader, aren't you..." she wanks while Selphie checks her shoes for poop. I'm tempted to check mine, too. Rinhoa saunters over to Squally and bends down coyly with her hands on her knees, looking up at him. "Do you actually have fun acting so callous towards your comrades?" Squally's little thought box pops up with "...Not again." I know the feeling, Squally. I know the feeling. Rinhoa puts her hands on her hips and continues to lecture him about how he should lie his ass off to make everyone feel all warm and fuzzy, while Squally tunes her out and gets lost in an inner monologue about how stupid she is. He wonders if he's the only one who isn't into spouting lame reassurances just to make people feel better. "No. I'm sure Seifer..." he trails off, segueing into a fantasy about reassuring Seifer with his mouth.

Rinhoa continues to nag and bitch, nag and bitch, using melodramatic postures and gestures. Ah yes, it's completely obvious to me why so many people enjoy her as a "spunky" and "different" heroine. Wait, no it isn't. God damn, someone shoot her, preferably in the mouth, so she can stop talking. This whole time, Squally just thinks -- and I quote -- "...Whatever." Finally, Rinhoa realizes that Squally isn't listening to her, as if that's such a shock. She should be used to people ignoring her by now, even though it's difficult with that piercing whine.

You nagged them to death.

Suddenly, a different high-pitched noise causes Squally to grab his head. This is obviously the result of Rinhoa's lecturing, so I don't even bat an eye. It's only after he, Quistis, and Selphie fall unconscious that I realize they're taking another random journey to Lagunaland. Oh boy! But then, spending time in someone else's head, even if it is Laguna, is infinitely preferable to being bitched at by Rinhoa. Poor Zell is stuck with her for the time being. Even though he's being an annoying dickanus as well, I can't help but feel sorry for him. He has the perfect opportunity to insult Rinhoa when she asks what just happened, but instead, he tells her what's really going on. People in this game are no fun at all.

We meet back up with our "favorite" dream buddies somewhere completely different from last time. As Laguna stands at some sort of overlook, Ward wonders if they're in the right place. According to Kiros, yes. "I don't want to be patrolling the wrong place, like last time," Ward says. Obviously, we are supposed to view these three as very professional and capable soldiers. Unfortunately for Ward and his sensibilities, they are at the wrong place. Well, that's what Laguna says anyway. Never mind. Ward and Kiros shake their heads, like, "There goes Laguna and his idiocy again." "This is it. Let's go, commander," Kiros says. It turns out that -- and you won't believe this amusing turn of events -- Laguna brought along the wrong map. AHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Oh man, the comic relief in this game is so hysterical. Stupid people are funny! Again with the disgusted head shakes from the other two.

'This looks like a straight bar.'

"Somehow, I have a bad feeling about this..." Laguna wanks. For some completely unknown reason, I get a choice where I can brush it off as imagination, or confirm the bad feeling. I have no fucking clue if this even affects anything. So I pick the second one. Because I do have a bad feeling. Call it recapper's intuition. Laguna blabs about his bad feeling some more, then says, "You know what the old folks say... The unfamiliar always happens..." Kiros reminds him that it's the unexpected not the unfamiliar. "You only got the 'un' part right," Ward rubs it in. Laguna throws a spaz over this, of course, because stupid people get mad when you correct them.

I get control of the trio and walk them to their destination. I think now is as good a time as any to point out a little phenomenon known as Recapping Irritating Character Hate Syndrome, or RICH for short. Basically, there are characters that we always like or dislike, regardless of whether or not we're recapping them. Then there are the other characters that we can tolerate upon playthrough but become hideously annoying when we are forced to recap them. Laguna falls firmly in that category. Don't get me wrong -- I would much rather engage in inappropriate relations with Laguna, Kiros, and Ward at the same time than to deal with Rinhoa, but God damn if this whole next sequence in the game doesn't make me want to papercut myself to death with the strategy guide.

We might as well get on with this. The trio heads down the hill to find themselves at some sort of excavation site with machines and conveyer belts and walkways. As they walk forward, Laguna feels the need to comment yet again on the strangeness of the area. I'm not sure if we are really supposed to get that this place is strange, as would be the usual conclusion from repetitive dialogue, or if we're supposed to think Laguna is full of shit. His next line, "What the heck is this big pile of rocks? You think these are natural rocks used for carving tombstones?" kind of makes me lean toward the latter. What the fuck. "Who knows...or cares?" Kiros responds for all of us. Ward wants to know why Laguna has been acting strange. I thought he always acted like a developmentally-challenged toddler. Before this completely nonsensical dialogue can progress much further, my heroes the Esthar soldiers show up. And they aren't there to engage in small talk. Or buttsex, for that matter. I have to clarify that in this game. From their presence, we can conclude that we are likely in Esthar. Which is -- and stay with me here -- some sort of place. Go me and my super intuitive powers! "Still wearin' those flashy uniforms," Laguna sighs jealously, suppressing a beleaguered sigh over his own blocky uniform. He's in Final Fantasy VIII, not Final Fantasy VII, for God's sakes. He wants something skintight and sexay.

The Esthar soldiers come at them from either end of the path. "Don't be such a weenie!" Laguna chides when Ward shows some concern over their situation. It turns out that Laguna is correct here -- to be afraid of these guys is to resign yourself to weeniehood. The strategy guide dramatically warns me of the two different types of soldiers -- human and cyborg -- and about how the cyborg ones are so much more difficult. Really, they're all wussy around here. Don't be fooled by the phallic way they hold their weapons. It's totally compensation.

After the first battle, Kiros reminds the others that they were just supposed to patrol the area, not reduce the scene to senseless carnage. But what the hell fun is that? Besides, the game designers aren't going to give us an area without at least fifty thousand random battles, so get with the program, Kiros. The other two express surprise as well. Dumbasses, all.

They dispatch of the other group of soldiers, then freak out that more soldiers are after them. Which we don't really see, so this bunch of buffoons could be hallucinating for all we know. Regardless, they decide to run further into the excavation site. Sure, that makes sense. Under my control, and without any particular sense of urgency, the trio makes it to a ladder leading underground into some crystally-looking blue-green stuff.

'It didn't say anything about a bukkake scene in our contract.'

This entire cavern area is a loop of glowing blue-green tunnels where I can do different random shit. Some of this stuff is so completely out of the blue and pointless, it has to affect something later in the game. I have to believe that. Case in point, near some debris in the tunnel, Laguna searches and picks up an [Old Key]. Immediately after picking it up, Laguna thinks to himself, "I feel a draft on my butt..." No, really. Laguna, although we can't see it on the regular gameplay screen, is apparently wearing pants akin to Prince or Ashley Riot. He apparently tried to put the [Old Key] in his assless pants, which turned out to be a bad idea. Laguna sadly loses the [Old Key] for good. Seriously, it drops out of his pants and he can't fucking find it, when he was perfectly able to find it in the first place. But all is not lost! For we receive some profound words of wisdom from Laguna over this matter: "Nothing cheaper than something free." The others go all WTF over this, then murder Laguna and hide his body in the sparkly walls of the cave.

Hint hint, Kiros...

The three of them reach a place in the corridor with several metal doors built into the floor. Laguna notices that the lever on one of them is loose, and gets the brilliant idea to loosen it further and use it as a trapdoor to catch an unsuspecting Esthar soldier. Because this plan came from Laguna's defective brain, the other two are obviously skeptical. "They say, one who makes fun of a genius will end up cryin' in the end," Laguna taunts. So not only does he not realize he's dumber than a box of Tiduses, but he thinks he's a fucking Einstein. That is some serious, serious denial. Like, of Rinhoa proportions. The others wonder which genius he's referring to, which causes Laguna to throw yet another mini hissy.

Because this trapdoor concept is so fucking difficult to understand, Laguna explains it in detail. Sometimes I wonder if playing these games and having my intelligence insulted too many times will eventually make me unable to perform any sort of critical thinking. Maybe that's the real danger of video games, and not this mowing down hookers shit. Laguna goes on some more about his level of genius, causing Ward to taunt him over the inevitable failing of this plan. Although loosening the lever will prevent me from returning back the way I came (as Laguna explains in more detail), I figure I can live with that since there is absolutely nothing back there except horrible memories. So on with the tampering! Not that I want to vindicate Laguna in any way, but the strategy guide told me to.

'I think we can pull it off and...use it later, if you catch my drift.'

Since this game is so rich in humor, we get to see a little sequence of an Esthar soldier stepping on the door and falling, falling to possible death. This means Laguna was right -- yet another sign that everything we know in this game will eventually be turned on its head. And yes, I'm referring to Squally and Rinhoa getting together. Man, why did I have to bring that up? Fuck.

To my extreme disappointment, Laguna finds another damn [Old Key] in a different part of the tunnel. He's highly smug over the fact that he put it in his shirt pocket this time, instead of sliding it into his assless pants. I'm sure nothing will go wrong. But oh no! Laguna somehow sneezes hard enough to pop that [Old Key] right out of his shirt. I don't even know how that is possible. But it's supposed to be funny, see? He thought he was being all smart putting it in his shirt, but he still screwed it up! Let's all take a moment to laugh at this masterful attempt at humor. Laguna at least has a handle on the situation. Instead of throwing a drama queen fit, he realizes that this is not a matter of life or death. Man, it's sad when I know people who are less balanced than Laguna.

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