Videogame Recaps
Recaps FAQs Extras Mailbag Forum Contact Links

  -Suiko4 Main
  -Part 1 :: [02.17.05]
  -Part 2 :: [10.19.05]
  -Part 3 :: [02.17.06]
  -Part 4 :: [05.20.12]
  -Part 5 :: [06.04.13]
  -Part 6 :: [09.27.14]
  -Part 7 :: [09.27.14]


  -Suiko4 Cast
  -Suiko4 Recap FAQ


  -Jobs
  -Store o' Goodies
  -LiveJournal Community
  -VGR Radio
  -VGR: The Comic
  -Disclaimer
  -Site History
  -Site Map


 Past contests:
  -Durandal Poetry Contest
  -Wankese 101 Contest


"It turns out that Mia worked as Grossberg's apprentice in this law office. 'She left one day, quite suddenly... She had a mission, you see.' Whatever this mission was, Grossberg says, 'She followed it with a burning passion. Never looked back, that one.' Seems more likely that she wasn't finding a lot of hot guys around the office. And it probably bugged her that her boss had bigger boobs than her."
     -Sam, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Part 2




Absoludicrous.net
Alterra



Link to VGR!


Suikoden IV : Part 3
By Sam
Posted 02.17.06
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Back to the empty, rainy, dreary open sea. The order of the day since Marvy began his exile has been "Fight X number of random battles until something happens," and it only takes one such battle here. Immediately after dispatching two random winged dragon creatures, a much larger version of them comes flying out of the water, dripping wet and resplendent in its vaguely Pokémon-ish glory.

 
Who gave it the designer decals?

The boss--I guess--is called the Water Dragon. It shares its creative name with a much nastier, more annoying boss in Suikoden III, one that I am happy to say I won't be getting to in the recaps for a long time yet. This guy does prove to be a good guinea pig for Marvy's new runic powers, but since his powers are currently of the do-damage-and-take-damage variety, I'm now missing Jewel and her Water Rune even more. Well...more the rune than Jewel herself. And it's more like I'm annoyed at myself for forgetting to give Paula a Water Rune in exchange for her (currently lame) Wind Rune. So...forget I mentioned Jewel. The point here is that healing with medicine only sucks.

Somehow, I make it through the fight--it might have something to do with Chiepoo having no other real function in the battle than to use items--and the Water Dragon belly flops with a flourish back into the ocean. Everyone levels up a bit, probably more than the Water Dragon warranted. Following the battle, the four of them are standing around stupidly, like they don't know what to do with themselves, when a large tidal wave, probably the splash from the monster's bloated corpse hitting the water, washes over their boat. Water falls. Everyone dies. The end.

Well, not really, but it would be funny if Marvy just drowned at sea, exactly the way Katarina meant him to. Instead, Marvy and his friends are shown, after a Black Screen of Oh Shit, to be washed up on a sandy beach, the defeated husk of their pitiful boat mired against some rocks nearby. Marvy wakes up first. But before he wakes up his friends, he takes a leisurely stroll around the beach, savoring this brief moment of total silence. Ahhhhhh.

Marvy first wakes Keneth, with a dim, rather depressing, but suddenly all-consuming glint of hope for a heavy beach makeout session. Keneth, however, does not seem interested. Perhaps it's for the best. Marvy doesn't want to lower his standards just because the situation is dire at the moment.

He then rouses Paula and Chiepoo, and thank God, neither of them wants to make out. "Marvy," Keneth says, "let's take a look around and get familiar with our surroundings while the sun is still up." Marvy considers smacking Keneth in the mouth for trying to boss him around--at the very least, with everything that's happened, Marvy knows that he's the master of his domain now, and he's not taking orders from a skinny twat with a bad haircut. Meanwhile, Paula is thirsty and Chiepoo--surprise!--is hungry. As if being stranded in the middle of nowhere weren't bad enough, Marvy is stranded with a bunch of fucking whiners.

'At least you're not whining.'
 

After a cursory inspection of the island, the group discovers what we've already guessed by now: this is a deserted island. Come on, guys. Who ever heard of washing up on a populated island? Marvy has a choice at this point. He can say either "Then we'll have to escape" or "This place doesn't seem so bad." Now, according to the strategy guide, if I have Marvy insist that "This place isn't so bad" three times, the party will stay on the island forever and ever, game over. Maybe, maybe, Marvy would consider this if he were stranded here with the cast of Thunder from Down Under, but he's not, and he's gotta get out of here for the good of his libido. His yes-man, yes-woman and yes-cat agree that they can't stay here, and start making plans for escaping (and getting nourishment--thanks, Chiepoo).

Now it's time for everyone to do their part for the good of the group. Chiepoo immediately volunteers to find dinner for everyone, which leaves Marvy to assign tasks for himself, Keneth and Paula. He puts Keneth in charge of cutting down trees, off in the forest where no one has to look at him. He asks Paula to gather coconuts, something he's sure she'd be good at. That leaves him to make some rope. It occurs to me that I had to fetch every single one of these items for that stupid "Let's go on rafting adventures" fetch quest in Kingdom Hearts, but at least here everyone's contributing, instead of letting Marvy do all the work while they stand around munching popcorn and staring at him with their dead, glassy eyes.

Before Marvy does his own work, he feels it prudent to supervise the others in their tasks. All of them say they're "making good progress," but they're basically standing around picking their asses and staring dumbly at the things they're supposed to be collecting. Yeah, Marvy hasn't gotten his shit together either, but he's the hero and he's got other things to do. Bored with watching them watch the trees, crabs and coconuts, Marvy takes a side trip into a cave off the beach. The cave is two screens full of boring dark rocks and annoying random battles, but the third screen nets Marvy a marginally pleasant surprise. Standing at a quiet pool in the back of the cave is a mermaid. And not just any mermaid--it's that fucking mermaid. She's covered in shiny scales and has a shiny long blonde braid. Once she spots Marvy looking at her, her vacant eyes widen and she dives back into the water. I'd like to point out that she doesn't really have a tail to speak of--she actually has two legs. But the legs are scaly and she has flippers. The effect is that she looks like she's wearing shiny teal booty pants. We'll get back to that later, though. For now, Marvy finds a Lucky Ring--perhaps for help in getting lucky--where the mermaid was just standing, and he heals his MP and HP at the shining spot where she splashed into the lake. She's annoying, but she did leave behind decent presents, I have to admit. Now, to return to daylight and see if Marvy's friends have finally completed their menial chores. Oh, and to complete his own chore. Small detail.

 
Latex sure is popular in this game.

Of course, once Marvy's gathered up his rope, everyone else is magically done getting their stuff too. One by one, Marvy gathers the not-so-lovable losers back into his entourage, and together they head for the somewhat secluded area on the beach they've set up as a camping spot. There's even a cauldron there for cooking--I'm not even going to ask how it got there. It's not worth it.

That night, around their fire and cauldron, while Chiepoo sleeps off his meal, the three ex-Knights discuss their problems. I'm kidding--Paula and Keneth talk while Marvy glares at them. After exchanging ellipsis-ridden sighs with Paula, Keneth says they should get off the island as soon as possible, a staggering piece of wisdom if I've ever heard one. But Paula blurts out, "Sir...I can tell that you are an honest person. So, let us return to Razril and--" What, tell Katarina that Marvy didn't kill Commander Scruffy? Newsflash, Paula--Marvy did that already. And here you all are. So shut up. Keneth basically backs me up, saying, "I, too, have stood by you because of your honesty. There's no going back now." Paula adds, out of the obvious necessity for it to be said, "We do not think you killed the Commander... After all, we are allies." Just...kill me. Why did I bring her along? Did I actually say something about her not being as bad as Kirkis in propensity to state the obvious? You guys were laughing at me behind your hands when I said that, weren't you? It's okay if you were. I deserve it. Keneth also says to Marvy, "We've been friends for a long time." Right now I'm hoping Chiepoo is some kind of Were-Nay-Kobold, and he will wake up from his slumber any minute to kill these two and eat their flesh under the full moon. Of course, he would kill and feast upon Marvy, too, but Marvy can think of worse fates right now.

Was I stupid for bringing along Paula?
Yes. You could have had a sausage party and you passed it up! Dumbass.
Yes. How could you take a Wind Rune over a Water Rune?!
Yes!! You're going to be shouting "DURRRRRRRR!!!!!" at her until you're blue in the face.
Well...your alternatives were Meathead and Jewel. So no.

 

The next morning, Marvy feels like he's Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, because Chiepoo is again promising to collect food for the group, and Marvy is again in charge of divvying up the rest of the chores. He randomly assigns them and ends up collecting coconuts this time. When he's found three, he skips over talking to his friends and returns to the cave to see if that mermaid is back. Yeah, she's an icky girl, but she's giving away free stuff. Plus, she's, at a biological level, pretty much incapable of trying to jump his bones. Anyway, she is back, and this time she doesn't flee at the sight of Marvy. She stares blankly at him for a moment, and then points a finger at the ground, where another prize is resting. "...You can have this," she tells Marvy. But more important than the message is the way in which it's delivered--in this case, in the voice of one Lia Sargent, voice of your favorite vapid sci-fi slut and mine, Shion Uzuki. It's not like I would have really loved this character anyway--for God's sake, she's a dead-eyed mermaid with big hooters--but now I have to hate her on principle. It doesn't help that this new vehicle for Shion's irritating voice appears to be both retarded and bootylicious.

Tuna!Shion (you're welcome!) leaves behind a Water Amulet, which increases resistance to water magic. I guess if Marvy ever happens to be around water, that could come in handy. We'll see, though. For now, Marvy returns to the beach, collects his friends and gets ready for another round of Fireside Choad Chat.

The topic tonight is Joe Bishounen, and by extension, what, oh what, he could have been doing in these parts. "Isn't it fairly far from Kooluk...?" Keneth einsteins. Paula contributes, "They may be surveying Gaien..." Jesus, these guys. Keneth wonders if their fellow Gaien Knights are doing okay. "I want to believe...that they are fine," Paula monotones. "However, [Slowe] does worry me..." The scene blacks out before we see Marvy kicking the cauldron over and scalding Paula with boiling water.

Recaps :: FAQs :: Extras :: Mailbag :: Forum :: Contact :: Links