Videogame Recaps
Recaps FAQs Extras Mailbag Forum Contact Links

  -Suiko4 Main
  -Part 1 :: [02.17.05]
  -Part 2 :: [10.19.05]
  -Part 3 :: [02.17.06]
  -Part 4 :: [05.20.12]
  -Part 5 :: [06.04.13]
  -Part 6 :: [09.27.14]
  -Part 7 :: [09.27.14]


  -Suiko4 Cast
  -Suiko4 Recap FAQ


  -Jobs
  -Store o' Goodies
  -LiveJournal Community
  -VGR Radio
  -VGR: The Comic
  -Disclaimer
  -Site History
  -Site Map


 Past contests:
  -Durandal Poetry Contest
  -Wankese 101 Contest


"With no light at his disposal, Twink has no choice but to dive directly into the Pit of Estrogen. Shuddering at the sensation that his tight young bod is being fondled by dozens and dozens of chicks, he runs between series of pillars, avoiding the sticky, sweaty touch of the Floor Masturbators until he reaches an alcove with a small key. Yet he feels no sense of triumph -- only of shame. The Estrogen Fog dissipates suddenly, but he can still feel its creepy touch. He'll never be clean again."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 8




Absoludicrous.net
Alterra



Link to VGR!


Suikoden IV : Part 2
By Sam
Posted 10.19.05
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6
 
'I couldn't help it!'

Also right on cue is Slowe, who chooses this moment to meander up to the roof and eavesdrop on Scruffy and Marvy. The little suckup shoves Marvy out of the way to get to his commander, shouting like a whiny bitch all the way there. "Sir, what in the world is happening?!" he cries, as he simultaneously holds and straddles Scruffy. Maybe I was reading Slowe's jealousy all wrong. Or maybe Scruffy was screwing both of them. I guess we'll never know. The rune is still glowing giddily on Marvy's hand as Scruffy groans, "You...idiot... You...will suffer...the same...fate..." Slowe is confused, as he naturally assumes Scruffy is referring to him when he says "idiot." But he doesn't have a chance to get the story straight: the rune flares up on Scruffy's hand for one last, New Year's-like hurrah, zapping the last of Scruffy's life in the process. Scruffy calls Marvy an idiot again--What did I do now?, Slowe wonders--and also apologizes for...I don't know, condemning Marvy to the same fiery fate, even though Marvy was the one who made himself a target by coming up here? He says he's sorry, is the point. He might be sorry for ruining Marvy's love life. Though that was mostly Slowe's doing.

Outside, a generic Knight reports to Katarina that he saw someone enter the Hall. Katarina freaks, insisting "the Commander must not be disturbed!!" It's not like she even knows why he needed to be alone. She's just trying to pretend she knows to look cool in front of these nobodies.

Back to Marvy, Slowe and dead!Scruffy. There's a love triangle for you. Slowe realizes when the air has cleared that Scruffy is dead--pretty easy to figure out when his body is turning to ash and blowing away. Marvy pulls a Mary Marvy Sue at the same moment and faints, just as Slowe is accusing him of doing "something" to Scruffy. What does he think Marvy could have possibly done? Does he have a history of arson or something? Slowe is crab-walking away from the spot where Scruffy's body was and moaning wankily when two Gaien Knights show up. "C-Commander [Scruffy]...is dead. He collapsed right in front of me...a-and then...he vanished!!" I like how Slowe makes sure to immediately note to everyone how he witnessed it and is therefore so very important, strong and brave. Drama queen. When the Gaien Knights are skeptical, he adds, "It was...him. He...did it to the Commander!!" Hee. And poor Marvy is unconscious, totally unaware that he's not only in big trouble, but he's probably been dumped as well.

Now we enter a setting that will become all too familiar in this game: The Vortex of Past Exposition. Marvy is standing in front of a swirly purplish-red vortex. A red ball of light from its center pulses toward him, and he for his part runs feverishly toward it. When the light makes contact, a disembodied voice called ??? says, "Rakgi, take care of your mother." Rakgi says okay. Then someone only identified as Woman says, "I'll see you later. Be careful." Is Woman Rakgi's mother? This is confusing. ??? replies, "I have a feeling I'll catch a big one today! Just wait and see!" So ??? is going fishing? Who are these people, anyway? Am I supposed to care about them?

Apparently I am, because another ball of light hits Marvy, and this time we find that ???'s fishing trip must not have gone too well. "Rakgi...Rikie... Looks like...Daddy won't make it back... Huh? What in the world is this?!" He must have encountered the rune at this point, since he started punctuating badly. It has that effect on people.

Another light ball. "Please... Kill me... Put me...out of my misery..." ??? says. And suddenly Marvy is in battle, against a hunching figure called Mysterious Shadow. One hit does, in fact, put the guy out of his misery. But not out of Marvy's, as he still has to listen to ??? whine. "Thank you..." he murmurs. "Rakgi...take care of your mother... Someday...we'll be together again...I promise you..." These dying people are the worst ellipsis abusers ever. It's like the writers think ellipses and commas do the same thing. The only thing I get out of this is that, because it was voice-acted, I get to hear how "Rakgi" is supposed to be pronounced. He says it "rah-koo-gee." Maybe it's some really noble name in the Suikoden universe, but it sounds like the equivalent of naming your kid Cappuccino in terms of your kid getting his ass kicked on the playground every day.

Our first visit to the Vortex of Past Exposition ended, we come to a discussion among Katarina, Lord Fingerbang and his son. Lord Fingerbang can hardly believe that Marvy would, as Slowe has accused him, kill Scruffy. "Is this true, [Slowe]?" Katarina asks. "What exactly did you see?" Lord Fingerbang throws in, "I know that you're a smart lad. Now pull yourself together and tell us what happened to the Commander." I guess we're supposed to get from this that Slowe is crying or something. Didn't really need this--I've been assuming in any given scene that Slowe is an emotional mess unless specifically shown otherwise. Slowe says that he was too late to do anything, and that Scruffy and Marvy both collapsed in front of him. His dad makes the gigantic leap in logic--we're talking hopping over the Grand Canyon, here--that Marvy and Scruffy got into a "quarrel" and Marvy iced him. Please. Katarina doesn't really think this story jives either, since, according to her, Scruffy always treated his knights with fairness and kindness. (Well, except for Slowe, but we're getting there.) Lord Fingerbang is all "A-ha!" and comes to the conclusion that Marvy wanted more than fair treatment. Bamp chicka bow bow chicka bow.

"Marvy...?" Katarina says. "But how could this be?!" Is she seriously convinced by this argument? Is she that dumb? Lord Fingerbang pushes the issue, saying that Marvy clearly expected to be treated better than everyone else, as if he weren't Scruffy's favorite already. He adds, get this, "Perhaps that explains why [Slowe] was sent on that dangerous mission..." You know, that dangerous mission that no one knew at the time would be dangerous. That mission that Slowe's dad specifically lobbied for Slowe to get. Slowe says nothing during this exchange, preferring to let his daddy make him sound like the fresh-off-the-cross saint he's not.

Marvy's dreary bedroom. Marvy lies in bed, no doubt this close to writing poetry about his dead and blackened goth heart, listening to the people in the hallway discuss what an ungrateful, horrible human being he is. "Hey, come to think of it," one jerk says to another, "Commander [Scruffy] was inexplicably injured during the incident with the escort ship as well. Maybe the same kind of thing happened then, too. What do you think?" Well, it was a similar incident, but I guess they're implying here that Marvy's had a plot to kill Scruffy for a while now, so they can choke on Slowe's cock for all Marvy cares. Meanies.

A moment later, Katarina knocks and announces that she's coming in, in case Marvy is jackin' it or something. He sits up to make himself presentable, only to find out she's there to tell him his punishment for murdering the head honcho. I should probably tell you here, because I haven't mentioned it yet, that the True Rune now on Marvy's hand is called the Rune of Punishment. So this is supposed to be all fitting and stuff. Anyway, Katarina is talking: "You will be exiled from the kingdom," she says in a monotone. "You will be cast out to sea, and you are never to return to Gaien." The Piano of Dude, Unfair! plays as Katarina lets him know he's leaving tomorrow and he's to stay in his room until then. Marvy is now given two options. He can either be a wimp and say "...I understand," or he can tell Katarina, "I did not kill the Commander." Well, given that he did not fucking kill the Commander, he chooses to say so. Will justice be done? Will she ask for Marvy's side of the story?

No, because she's a stupid bitch. And because the whole point of the Rune of Punishment is to make Marvy's life hell for our amusement. "I know you would not try to escape," Katarina monotones some more, completely ignoring what Marvy just said, "but I must lock this room until tomorrow morning. It's nothing personal." She then sets her jaw and adds, "...I'm sorry, but you should be grateful that you aren't to be beheaded." Well, I'm sure he would be grateful for that if he were fucking guilty, you cow. Hey, come back here! I'm not done yelling at you!

What other punishments will the Rune of Punishment dole out to Marvy?
108 Stars of Destiny. All girls.
Apple will turn out to be an immortal True Rune bearer and will be his strategist.
Some kind of STD--chlamydia sounds suitably punishing.
Well, dying and everything. Though the 108 female Stars thing sounds worse.

 

Fast forward to the next morning. Marvy has changed into his fabulous black-and-red outfit from the game's opening FMV. At least if he's going to be put out to sea, he can go in style. Jewel and Meathead come to fetch Marvy for his exile. Jewel, Ms. Grabby, takes hold of both Marvy's hands and assures him that she believes him. Meathead says, "Have faith..." like that's a helpful thing to say at all. Shut up, you Meathead. Katarina's loud, annoying bitch voice cuts in: "When he's ready, please escort him to the harbor." I have to say, it didn't take much for me to hate her. But any redeeming qualities she had are totally overshadowed by the fact that she would actually take Slowe's word--Slowe, the fuck-up who had all kinds of emotional baggage regarding both Marvy and Scruffy--over Marvy's. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Jewel apologizes to Marvy, like she really has something to be sorry about, and the three of them go to the harbor. Cut to the middle of the sea. It's foggy and miserable--like Marvy's soul. Marvy is on a dinghy, staring up at Katarina and two of her Knights. She says to him, still in her bitch voice, that maybe he'll get picked up by a passing ship if he's lucky, and her tone clearly indicates that she hopes he has no such fortune in this matter. And now, the guilting: "Commander [Scruffy] trusted you. I don't understand why it had to come to this. Was that trust misplaced? What was it?" Jesus fucking grasshopper Christ. Does Marvy have to get a skywriter to scribe "I DIDN'T KILL THE COMMANDER" overhead? Open your fucking ears, Katarina.

Once Marvy is cut away, Katarina murmurs to herself, "I never imagined that we would lose you like this..." I think there's some sort of reverse psychology going on here. Marvy was perfectly trustworthy, had a good relationship with Scruffy and was loved by everyone. Slowe got punched around by Scruffy, had no one's trust and was a wimpy, moaning, bitching brat. Was everyone so quick to believe that Marvy did it simply because he was so undeserving of suspicion? The sweet kid who just snaps one day? I feel like I'm stuck in a Law & Order rerun.

A Gaien Knight on the ship observes that poor Katarina seems tired. Well, she shouldn't be sleeping at night after what she just did to Marvy, so good. The knight goes on, "Having [Slowe] as our new Commandeer seems somehow..." DUDE, WHAT. He's the fucking commander now? Apply all the fruitless questions concerning Slowe being a captain to this situation, and add in about fifteen more f-bombs. That should come close to covering this. Katarina sighs. "'There will be times when I cannot gainsay him.' It is something Commander [Scruffy] once said. I just remembered now." The knight offers his sympathies and leaves. "'My sympathies'?" she sobs. "Oh... Who could possibly understand what I am feeling inside?" Hate her. So much.

Alone on his boat, Marvy hears some strange noises. He turns around, hoping it's Slowe, partly because he's lonely, but mostly because he wants to beat that backstabbing manwhore within an inch of his life. But no, it's Keneth, and then Paula, who emerge in new outfits only slightly less ugly than their military uniforms. (Paula is dressed like Peter Pan, bringing her that much closer to Linkolas Clone status.) "We wish to accompany you on your journey..." Paula says. "But first...we must head towards land." Well, it's a good thing they want to come with him, because it's a little late for them to change their minds. Well, Marvy could just dump them overboard, but again, he's lonely. Desperately, desperately lonely. Suddenly, Keneth is looking very sexy to him.

Keneth says they brought oars, and goes to look for them behind some crates, but jumps back in fright like he just saw a huge spider. Paula also runs back to look, just in time to see a feline figure tumble, meowing, out of one of the crates. Of course, it's Chiepoo. Keneth identifies him by name in case we didn't remember the only weird cat person in Razril, while Chiepoo moans and meows in pain. He explains that he stowed away aboard this ship in order to travel to new lands and sell wares. Chiepoo wants to become a great merchant. Of course, he didn't know that this was an exile boat--not that he can get off now--but the fact that his new companions are penniless refugees won't stop Chiepoo from offering his goods to them. I hope Marvy's hungry for Mackerel Miso Stew. Mmmmm.

So now Marvy's been banished from the only home he's ever known, he's on a boat in the middle of nowhere with only fish stew and the stringy flesh of his friends to eat, he's stuck with a True Rune that gets its rocks off on killing its hosts, and the slot in the battle party that was once his boyfriend's has now been filled by a cat-man in a bowtie. Things could not get much worse for our hero. Join him next time for boring exploits on a deserted island, run-ins with all sorts of Profile People (including that fucking mermaid from the opening movie), and Chiepoo being attacked by a giant crab. Marvy will just be over there in the corner, trying to slit his wrists with a box cutter.

Recaps :: FAQs :: Extras :: Mailbag :: Forum :: Contact :: Links