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  -Suiko4 Main
  -Part 1 :: [02.17.05]
  -Part 2 :: [10.19.05]
  -Part 3 :: [02.17.06]
  -Part 4 :: [05.20.12]
  -Part 5 :: [06.04.13]
  -Part 6 :: [09.27.14]
  -Part 7 :: [09.27.14]


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"After a while, the party runs into what can only be the Dirty Sand Monsters. Although they aren't really sandmen, but more accurately, sand penises. Don't let the shock get to you. They are rather annoying, but nothing like the horrors that Ryudo and that random dude seemed to think they were. Freaking drama queens."
     -Jeanne, Grandia II Part 3




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Suikoden IV : Part 2
By Sam
Posted 10.19.05
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6
It turns out that the reason Slowe wants to go shopping is to buy some Mega Medicine for Commander Scruffy. Because when a True Rune gloms onto your soul and siphons away your will to live, mere Medicine won't do. You need Mega Medicine. In stores now. Also, guilt compensation much? Outside the shop, Slowe says he'll even buy Marvy some Mega Medicine, as long as he has enough money for extra. Well, it's hardly a dozen roses, but an apology gift is an apology gift. I guess.

When they're done with their shopping, the boys leave the shop, only to overhear people talking about Marvy the Awesome. They're all, "Hey, it's that kid, I heard he saved Scruffy!" when it was made fairly clear from talking to the NPCs earlier that most people in town already knew who Marvy was. But whatever, I guess they can talk about him like they've never seen him before if they want. After a long, awkward pause, Slowe tells Marvy they should be going, which is code for, "I hate that you're getting attention and I'm not, so let's leave these you-sycophants behind before I start crying."

But Marvy's having too much fun being Razril's big man! So he runs around the entire town, chatting up NPCs and even getting a gift or two along the way. Christ, beat up one dying pirate and suddenly you're High Summoner Yuna. Marvy also hears a little exposition about how he's an orphan and was raised in the Fingerbang household. I like how he needed some stranger to tell him that. Also: does that make Marvy another Ted Orphan, permanent houseguest and indentured bootlicker? It goes a long way toward explaining Marvy's silent indulgence of Princess Slowe.

Back at the Knights' Hall, someone named Funghi yells at Marvy to come fetch Commander Scruffy's dinner from the kitchen. Hey, I thought Marvy had been recovering too, so why is he Scruffy's servant all of a sudden? Shouldn't Slowe have to do that as penance for his douchebaggery? Speaking of, Slowe begs off that he has errands to run and asks Marvy to give Scruffy the Mega Medicine for him. "Oh, Marvy. That time…" he says before he leaves, "I really couldn't move my arm. ...I hope you believe that." Marvy, true to form, says nothing, because if he opened his mouth he probably wouldn't be able to keep himself from shouting in a derisive tone, "OH!!! MY ARM!!!" If Slowe were a real person and I knew him, I would yell that at him every time I saw him.

With a sigh, Marvy enters the kitchen--which is right next door to his room, how convenient--and speaks to Funghi. Funghi turns out to be the second person in this recap and (if memory serves) the third we've encountered in the series who resembles a mushroom. He is, however, the first to have a clever name to go along with his haircut. What were his parents thinking? I really doubt he came out of the womb with that haircut (or any hair, for that matter), so why would they name him something so stupid? I wonder if the name compelled him to look the way he does. If so, how is Apple Paltrow going to turn out?

Eat my special stew...
 

Funghi gives Marvy an invisible tray with Scruffy's lunch on it and sends our hero on his way. Marvy immediately runs upstairs to deliver the CURRY!!!!!! delicious and nutritious meal. Katarina ushers in Marvy, carrying the tray with the lunch and Slowe's contribution on it. Katarina looks it over to make sure nobody's spit in it or whatever. When she asks "What's this?" regarding the Mega Medicine, Marvy has two choices. He can answer, "It's medicine, from [Slowe]," or he can say, "I bought some medicine earlier," and take all the dap due to his man. Like Marvy would do such a heartless thing! Obviously, he gives Slowe all the credit. Katarina says, "From [Slowe]? My... I suppose he is trying to redeem his honor in some way," and she says it in a voice that implies what an utter waste of time she thinks it is. Clearly she doesn't buy the INJURED ARM stuff either.

From the bed, Scruffy apologizes to either Katarina or Marvy--I'm not sure which--since waiting on him hand and foot has to be kind of a drag. Katarina suppresses the very notion, because her particular hangups mean she's all too happy to be his slave. In the middle of digging into his meal, Scruffy starts to tell Marvy something about the the now dead Pirate Brandeau. But before he can get to the point the rune starts acting up again and he groans in sudden pain. Apparently he doesn't want anyone to see what the rune can do, so he kicks Marvy and Katarina out of the room. Katarina, of course, doesn't want to leave him allllll alooooone, but he says "that's an order" and you know military types are rendered physically powerless to resist when a commanding officer says that. There's probably some hypnotic suggestions implanted in their minds in basic training.

When he's alone, Scruffy moans, "...Damn it!!! Who... Who the hell are you?!!! What do you want from me?!!!" Pain = extra punctuation. We didn't get it from the moaning or from our own common sense, so the text has to let us know.

Outside, Katarina says she'll watch the door, like it's really necessary to do so, and dismisses Marvy. But when he leaves the building, we cut to several ships sailing through the water. The action-impending music barges in to let us know they're probably not friendly ships, either. In the courtyard, all of Marvy's knight friends, save Slowe, are standing around, wondering what to do. After all, their commander and XO are both farting around upstairs, so who's going to issue orders? Marvy speaks to each of them in turn and tells them to go to the harbor and prepare for battle. While the three ships are firing cannonballs at the town, a lone generic Gaien Knight, standing calmly on the dock, informs Marvy that Slowe has gone on ahead with more knights. I bet he has no notions in his head of using this battle to repair his reputation, either. Nope. He's doing it for the kids!

Time for the battle, which is titled "Retribution." Oh, that can't be good. The Gaien Knights are charged with defeating all the ships under someone named Pirate Dario. Maybe he's Brandeau's lover, out for revenge. Strangely, while there were three ships firing at Razril, there are only two ships in this battle. The other one's eating popcorn in the back, I guess. Keneth takes over the role of explaining the rune cannon configuration to Marvy. "Wha...? One ship has two types of Rune Shells: wind and fire!" Keneth balks, like this is the most awesomest pirate ship he's ever seen. "Hmm...that's probably the flagship." I'm so glad he pointed that out. That little flag icon next to the ship was confusing me!

The other ship only has fire, so after a couple hours with an abacus and some flow charts, Marvy realizes he should equip fire and water. Sadly, he only has water, so we'll just have to make do. Slowe, genius that he is, has equipped lightning only. Way to earn your nickname, dumbass. And how sad is it that he was the one showing Marvy how to figure out the elements earlier?

Fortunately, the AI sucks and is too dumb to just go after Slowe and then gang up on Marvy's ship afterward. They go down in four turns and all is well. OR IS IT???

Aboard the enemy's flagship, goofy comic-relief-impending music hops along in the background. The one named Dario is lamenting their loss to the knights. Okay, I take back what I said about him being Brandeau's boyfriend, because Brandeau was way too pretty to hop in the sack with this ugly little troll. Dario is rotund, short, pug-faced (no offense to pugs) and he's wearing what looks like a wrestling championship belt around his fat gut. "Arr..." he says because he's a pirate, "They were more fun to play with than I'd imagined." Nalleo, the teenage girl with Dario, replies, "Daddy, by that, you mean that they were tough, right?" Dario takes this as an insult to his manhood, apparently, and tells his daughter to can it, adding that she's got a big mouth just like her mother. "Besides," he says, "our objective this time wasn't to beat them. We've done what we're supposed to do." He orders his men to set sail "before [they] get hurt." Courageous one, this Dario.

Now, before you all click that "Send" button in your email clients, I know Nalleo is supposedly not a girl. But let's examine. Twiggy legs. Feminine features. Bare midriff. Short shorts. Sassy hat with poofy ball on top. Fourteen years old and still referring to Dario as "Daddy." You could show me Nalleo's penis and I still wouldn't believe the kid was male. So from here on out Nalleo's a girl. It's just easier for me than considering the alternative.

Cut to Slowe's ship. Slowe watches Dario and Co. retreat. "All right!!" he says with his Determined Face on. "Now's our chance! After them!" It's hard to describe, but as he says this he pumps his fists a little bit, in a gesture that unmistakably says, "I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm going to guess that this is the right decision! Hoo hah!" The generic Gaien Knight with him--it might even be the same guy who wouldn't follow his orders before--says it's not exactly a great idea to go chasing down the pirates alone. "What?!" Slowe grits. "If we hesitate now, the name of the Knights of Gaien will be put to shame! Now, just go!" The knight could answer that their good name was put to shame when a certain captain abandoned his ship because his arm got a little twingy, but he must sense that Slowe's rolling with the Crimson Tide right now and is not in the mood for lip. So he obeys, and Slowe's ship takes off after Dario. I'm sure this will go well. Engrave Slowe's name on that medal now.

 
Seriously, is Nalleo adopted?

Dario spots Slowe's ship coming and calls his new adversary "a feisty one." Must not consider possible fanfic. Must not consider possible fanfic. Must not--damn! Dario decides it's time to stop running and plow a hole through Slowe's ship. I mean--double damn!

But before Slowe can get the ass-kicking (or whatever your alternative scenario entails) he so richly deserves, Marvy and his gang notice what he's up to. "That foolish [Slowe], always after the glory..." bitches Keneth. "Marvy, we must help him!" Or you could watch him embarrass himself. That sounds better. Marvy, obviously, is given a choice, and with an increasing sense of reluctance, he says, "We've got to help [Slowe]. Hurry!" This relationship is getting to be more trouble than it's worth.

Quick shot of Dario getting ready to nail Slowe good and proper (shit!), before we cut to Slowe yelling at one of his underlings for giving him cheek. Suddenly, one of the guys standing around watching this (Slowe is seriously dressing down the poor sod in front of the whole crew) shouts out, "Reinforcements! It's reinforcements!" Slowe's all "What?" like he's not at all pleased to hear this news. Back to Dario, who sees the second ship coming and decides he doesn't like his odds anymore. And without a shell being fired, the pirates leave. It's only now that I notice Dario's ship looks like a bumper boat. Just throwing that out there, because I like bumper boats.

Pirate Dingus Dario's music cues us back in to his ship, where his daughter is mocking him for fleeing. "I only fight battles I can win," he says. "That's the secret to surviving." Then, to no one in particular, he yells, "I'm Dario, disciple of the great Pirate Kika! I won't forget this! I'll be back!!" No idea who this Kika is, but she's gotta be someone important, if she's getting name-dropped and she hasn't been in a previous Suikoden game. On Marvy's ship, Keneth says he hasn't ever heard of this Dario before. Hee.

Marvy and his flunkies meet up with Katarina at the docks. She asks Marvy to come to Commander Scruffy's room, and mentions that Slowe has been asked to come as well. Oh dear. Has Scruffy found them out? Will they have to leave the military?

As it turns out, Scruffy just wants to congratulate Marvy again on being awesome and saving his fellow Knights (i.e., Slowe and his crew) from certain doom. Of course, this also means we get to see Scruffy's reaction to Slowe's poor decision-making, a.k.a. Slowe Gets Walloped in the Jaw 2: Electric Boogaloo. Even better than the original. And now we know that the only thing strong enough to get Scruffy out of bed is the desire to mash up Slowe's pretty face. Who can blame the guy?

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