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  -Part 1 :: [02.13.02]
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  -Part 5 :: [07.27.03]
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"When Branky says something else smart-assed to Mel, she replies in kind by beating him--you know, beating the puppet that's on her arm--into the wall of the inn. Sparks fly for some reason. Finally, Branky begs her to stop. Is animal abuse still a crime when the animal in question is a furry puppet on your arm? Is Mel a furry? A masochist? A plain ol' crazy bitch? A little of everything? These are the important questions."
     -Sam, Suikoden III Part 8

Link to VGR!

Final Fantasy VII : Part 5
By Jeanne
Posted 07.27.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Despite the keycard being for the 65th floor, Bitch now has access to floors 63 and 64 as well. The 63rd floor is simply an irritating door puzzle which I figure out in thirty seconds, thanks to the strategy guide. Bitch collects all the goodies on the floor and proceeds to the next one.

There's a gym on the 64th floor, which is amusing because these people could get better exercise by climbing all those damn stairs. But I suppose it's kind of like in real life, where people at the gym will drive around for half an hour trying to find a parking spot close to the building, and then run on the treadmill for an hour. Idiots. Bitch takes this opportunity to rest, because there's no rush, really. Then he goes rooting around in people's lockers (yuck) until he finds a megaphone. Yes, a megaphone. Bitch leaves it there because he has no use for it, and that means that I'll have to come back here when I get a character who can equip it. I hate Bitch right now.

The 65th floor contains yet another inane puzzle. This time, there's a model of Midgar in a central room, with treasure chests in various places around the floor. Some of the model's parts are missing, and -- you guessed it -- they're in the treasure chests. Placing the parts in the model opens up the next treasure chest. I have to do this 8 times. This may not seem so bad, but there are random battles on this floor, taking the whole experience from "boring and rather pointless" to "boring and rather pointless and DIE DIE DIE!!!!!1!1!!!"

Who in the hell thought these monsters up?

As Bitch examines the model, he says, "When construction of Sector 6 finishes, Shinra's plan will be complete. That must be why he took Airhead..." Huh? Not only is this completely out of the blue, but it makes no sense whatsoever. Of course it's probably right, because the damn game designers would never put anything in that didn't have Profound Meaning. After placing the last part, Bitch receives Keycard 66.

A large conference room takes up most of the 66th floor. In one of the other rooms, a random NPC bitches about a stench in the conference room. Another person mentions hearing voices while in the bathroom. And not the voices-in-the-head kind. Most people are intelligent enough to figure out, "Oh, gee, I think that means the conference room and the bathroom are connected somehow!" But of course that means that the game designers will continue to beat us over the heads with that fact. Someone else mentions that a meeting is about to take place in the conference room. Golly gee, I guess Bitch better get his ass on over to the bathroom, stat!

Gooooo, women's lib!

In the bathroom stall, we get a lovely overhead view of the toilet as seen from the air duct. Even though RPG characters never have to go potty, I have the option to make Bitch flush the toilet. This is completely and utterly pointless, but satisfies the five-year-old in me. Wait, that sounds sick. Anyway, let's move on.

Bitch climbs up into the air duct, and crawls about ten feet to the next grate, ending up right over the conference room. And somehow, none of the Shinra employees could manage to solve the "mystery" of the stench and the talking. What a bunch of Einsteins. Of course, the trio gets to the grate just in time for the Big Important Meeting.

President Shinra, Reeve, Heidegger, and two unfamiliar people are seated around the table. Our old buddy Reeve (the head of the Urban Development Department) estimates the damage to Sector 7 at 10 billion gil. That's a lot of motherfucking gil. Reeve starts to talk about how much it will cost to rebuild when President Shinra informs him that they're not going to rebuild. He says they're "restarting the Neo-Midgar plan." That's an important sounding name for something we've never heard of before. Reeve says something about the Ancients, to which PS responds, "The Promised Land will soon be ours." So now we're getting all biblical and shit. He orders Reeve to "raise the Mako rates 15% in every area." At this, a small fat man in a tan suit starts bouncing up and down. His name is Palmer, and I don't care enough to think up a better nickname for him. "Rate hike! Rate hike! Tra, la, la! And please include our Space Program in the budget!" he shrills incoherently. So now we know what Palmer is in charge of, but more importantly, we know that he is most likely a flaming homosexual. President Shinra says that Reeve and Scarlet (the other unknown person) will split the extra cash. Palmer collapses on the table in a whiny fit of drama.

Reeve is all, "Um, I don't think a rate hike is such a good idea," and PS is all, "Hey, it's a great idea because the people will trust us." Heidegger explains it a little better by saying, "After all, we're the ones who saved Sector 7 from AVALANCHE." At this, Mr. T says, "That dirty muthafucka." At least he didn't pitch a gigantic hissy fit this time.

A random ponytailed man in a white lab coat enters the conference room. President Shinra refers to him as "Hojo" and asks how the girl is doing. Of course he's referring to Airhead. "As a specimen, she is inferior to her mother. I'm still in the process of comparing her to her mother, Ifalna, but for now the difference is 18%." From this, we learn that Airhead's mom was named Ifalna, and that Hojo was acquainted with her. More importantly, we find out that most of what Hojo says is complete gibberish. Even more so than most RPG dialogue. When PS inquires about how long the research will take, Hojo replies that it will take about 120 years. In other words, everyone -- including Airhead herself -- will be dead. Hojo has the brilliant idea to breed Airhead to produce a longer-lasting specimen. I don't like where this is going at all. Now, I realize that the idea of Airhead doing something sexual isn't a foreign one to many fanboys, but that doesn't mean I want to think about it.

PS asks Hojo if the 120 years of research is going to hinder their whole Promised Land thing, but Hojo spouts some more scientific mumbo-jumbo. In other words, he has no freakin' clue. And with that, the meeting is over. God, how I wish my meetings at work were that short. As Scarlet stands up, she looks up at the air vent and bitches, "Something stinks..." Get it? HUR HUR CUZ PPL GO P00P IN TEH BATHR00M ADN IT SMELS BAD HUR HUR.

After everyone files out of the room, Bitch asks, "They were talking about Airhead...right?" Mr. T backhands Bitch across the face. Or at least he should. Instead, Mr. T says that he doesn't know either. Tita thinks they "probably" were. Wow, poor Airhead, depending on these three morons to save her from being violated. Bitch has the brilliant idea that they should follow Hojo. So they do, right up to the 67th floor. Luckily for them, Hojo was a dumbass and left the door open.

Floor 67 is a giant laboratory area. As soon as the braindead trio reaches the top of the stairs, Mr. T suddenly remembers that he knows who Hojo is -- the head of the Science Department. Thank God for that clumsy exposition, because I never would have figured out from the lab coat, the glasses, and the talking about scientific stuff that the guy was a scientist. Mr. T is under the impression that Bitch knows Hojo, but Bitch says that this is the first time he's ever seen the guy. This is clue #563 that Bitch isn't who he says he is. But we'll get to that later. Much later.

There is a series of cell-like rooms in one area of the 67th floor. It sure would be a shame if Bitch and the others got captured and ended up there. Bitch takes a quick look around and then continues to follow Hojo. When Bitch catches up to him, Hojo is gazing into a large glass cage. Most of the cage is offscreen, but we can see something orange in there. Bitch and the others hide next to a large boob-shaped container in the corner. A random guy in a gray suit enters the room and asks Hojo about the "specimen." Hojo tells Random Guy to raise the orange thing to the top level. I guess I know where to go next. And they didn't even have to change the text color.

Hojo gushes some more over his preciousssss orange specimen, and then walks offscreen. Whew! Now Bitch and the others can come out. They move closer to the orange thing in the glass cage and Tita goes right up to it. I think it's vaguely lionesque, even though the graphics make it look like a series of orange blocks. Tita wonders if the Blocky Orange Lion is going to be used in some sort of experiment. No, Hojo is going to take it out for a beer.

Suddenly, Bitch starts walking over to the boob container. "Jenova..." he presumably reads as some drug-induced creepy music and heartbeat sound start up. He then looks inside the conveniently-placed boob window. Inside is a headless woman, with one large blue nipple and one missing nipple. There's also a bunch of biological-looking red stuff. In short, it's one disturbing mofo.

d00d, u can liek totally see her b00bs n stuff!1!1!1

There's an irritating high pitched sound, and Bitch starts freaking out, unsurprisingly. Haven't Mr. T and Tita learned that they can't take this guy anywhere? Bitch collapses, and finally Mr. T and Tita notice that something's wrong. Tita runs over and holds Bitch as he regains consciousness. She's just been waiting to get her greedy little hands on the guy this whole time. "Jenova...Sephiroth's...So...they've brought it here," Bitch mutters, bringing some further what-the-fucking-fuckness to the plot. I'm still waiting for them to explain just who the hell Sephiroth is. I don't like being jerked around. Now we've got this whole "Jenova" thing to add to the list of mysterious plot points.

Bitch asks if Mr. T saw Jenova. Mr. T takes a moment to look inside, and is grossed out by the veins and the nasty nipple. He brushes the whole thing off as "stupid" even though it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Jenova is going to play an Important Part in this mess. For now, however, it's time to move on.

Bitch and the others take the cargo elevator to the next floor, which looks a lot like the previous floor. Well, except for the catwalk and lack of a boob container. But the glass cage is still there. Hojo stands on a walkway, facing it. Apparently Airhead is inside this cage, seeing as how Bitch shrieks, "Airhead!" upon looking in that direction. Once again, the graphics are too shitty to tell. Hojo is all, "Is that her name?" because he's the big bad scientist who doesn't care about her as a person. He asks what they want, and Bitch tells him that they want Airhead. Well, no, he doesn't say it like that, but you get the idea. Also, I just gave myself a horrible mental image and I want to cry.

Hojo and the others engage in some more badly translated dialogue, which essentially boils down to the fact that they can't kill Hojo because he's the only one who can operate the delicate equipment. Again, not like that. I'm not sure why they care so much about this, since they could just smash the glass and get Airhead out, but for some reason, they seem to be at a stalemate. Hojo orders his assistant to bring in the other specimen, as we get a better view of the big glass cage. Indeed, Airhead is in there, and an elevator brings in the Blocky Orange Lion from below. Putting two and two together makes it apparent that Hojo wants to breed BOL and Airhead. And it looks like he's going to do it the old-fashioned way. Why he even expects this to work, I don't know. Also: ew.

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