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"PUGGY!!! chucks the soap at Sarah's head. 'Oh, you brought me soap? It turns out I had some, but thanks anyway.' PUGGY!!! experiences a vivid fantasy where he drowns Sarah in her own washtub."
     -Jeanne, Suikoden Part 10

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Final Fantasy VII : Part 8
By Jeanne
Posted 11.20.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
Bitch is a bit shocked that the object of all his vivid fantasies was unnaturally created. Dude, if the buttsex is good, who cares how the guy was made? The camera angle switches to the Hall of Drama in preparation as Sephiroth explains that Professor Gast was responsible for the Jenova Project. Bitch wants all the dirt, but Sephiroth walks to the end of the hall, toward the camera, as the soundtrack goes silent. Blocky face turned at a dramatic three-quarter profile, Sephiroth announces, "I'm going to see my mother." Cue first instance of the full Sephiroth Theme.

Sephiroth walks offscreen, followed immediately by a confused Bitch. His girl-haired boyfriend isn't on the next screen at all, and this time there are no "hidden" doors to explain this. That's not all. In the 45 seconds (I counted) it takes for Bitch to exit the mansion, Sephiroth has already burned down the entire village. I expect a group of dancing multicolored mushrooms to parachute into the scene, singing, "We are the dancing parachuting mushrooms!" in four-part harmony. It's not like anything else in the last seven minutes has made any sense, so why not take it to its sad conclusion?

'Damn, I knew I left the stove on!'

In the town square, Zangan hails Bitch, wondering if he's sane. Well, that's debatable, but Bitch isn't in the mood for making human s'mores right now, and that's all that Zangan really cares about at the moment. He wants some freaking help, which Bitch is willing to provide as soon as he finishes gawking at the blazing ruins of his hometown. He runs into a nearby house, which may or may not be his house -- I don't really remember. A second later, he runs out, shoulders slumping to indicate defeat. Cripes, he barely glanced in the doorway before giving up. Fucking wuss.

Bitch stands around feeling sorry for himself some more, vowing to withhold the buttsex from Sephiroth for at least a day. Unless he apologizes. Speaking of the devil, Bitch looks up to see Sephiroth raise his sword and hit a couple of villagers on the head with it. Seriously, these graphics.

Then we switch to GFS so that we can have a Fanboy Jizz Moment™. Wreathed in flames, Sephiroth raises his face to the camera, grinning evilly. The camera pulls back so that we can see Sephiroth turn his back to us, flip his girl hair like he's in a shampoo commercial, then walk slowly -- and evilly, don't forget -- into the flames. Oh, how dramatic. It would be funny if Sephiroth were now a charred lump on the other side of the flame wall, but he can't be dead because we're supposed to hate him now and want to kill him ourselves.

The camera zooms through the Nibelheim mountains, panning around the Mako reactor to remind us where Sephiroth is headed. Blocky Bitch runs up the stairs of the reactor, wondering if maybe he should have brought Sephiroth some flowers. When Bitch reaches the door to the Chamber of Evil Lipsticked Monsters, he encounters a flashback we've already seen. So it's like a flashback to a flashback. Or would that be flashforward? Either way, it's the scene with Tita hunched over her dead dad, whining about Shinra, Mako, and Sephiroth, oh my! "I hate them all!" she screams to the heavens like a Livejournaler attempting to get attention from all her sycophantic friends. She grabs Sephiroth's sword, which he conveniently left lying next to his latest victim for some reason (and let's not even get into why Tita's dad was there in the first place), and runs into the Chamber. Bitch is like, "Oh, not again."

Sephiroth, in spite of his head start, has only just reached the door to Jenova's room. "Mother, I'm here to see you. Please, open this door," he whines like she's going to be on the other side with a big batch of cookies or something. This is Tita's chance to attempt to avenge her dad and the other poor burned up bastards. Brandishing the sword -- which is taller than she is -- she races up the steps. Because Tita sucks and Sephiroth's still a badass, he wrestles the sword away from her and slashes her really good across the middle.

In real life, this may cause the wounded party to collapse, bleeding profusely, with some possible disembowelment action. If the stairs were involved, there may even be some klutzy -- and bloody -- tumbling. But not in FF7-land. Tita, propelled into the air by the force of the blade, lands back-first on the stairs, then bounces -- yes, bounces -- to the bottom, where she slides a bit. You'd think those boobs might weight her down. There's less blood than in a Disney movie. It's pretty ridiculous.

'Well, first I took a box of matches...'

Sephiroth is uncaring and evil, so he just turns and walks into the room where his mom sits, knitting him a little cap for winter. Before Bitch can follow him, he needs to get that annoying Tita out of his way. Sighing a little bit, he picks up her wounded form, carrying her over to one of the monster capsules where he props her up. "... You promised... You promised that you'd come...... when I was in trouble..." Tita moans. Since there is no voice acting here and the dialogue is shittier than Tidus's tighty-whities, I can't tell if she's swooning because he's there, or if she's upset that he wasn't fast enough to saaaaaave her. Either way is pretty nauseating, but the latter would take some major balls on her part, since she pretty much got herself into this mess. Maybe that's what's actually on her chest. Bitch says nothing to her, not even the least little bit of reassurance, further proving to me that he doesn't give a flying fuck.

Sephiroth's Theme of Unbridled Evil starts up again as we enter the next room, where Jenova's decaying body awaits. A metal statue, with its top half shaped like an angel (OMG RELIGIOUS REFERENCE), and its bottom half shaped like a cylinder, has a long red tube running out of it. Sephiroth stands at the base of this tube, blocky arms extended like he wants to give mommy a hug. "Mother, let's take this planet back together," he wanks, giving us our first glimpse into our villain's true motivation. "I've thought of a great idea. Let's go to the Promised Land," he says, like this is the FF7 equivalent of Disneyland. "Okay, dear. Now finish your broccoli," Jenova tells him. Seriously, though, Bitch enters and is all, "You burned down my hometown, you asshole! We're through!"

'Seriously, do you people not get the concept of matches?'

Sephiroth reveals to Bitch that he's a gigantic mommy's boy, and intends for his mom to rule the Planet because she's just that fucking cool, like a corpse-o-riffic Mary Sue. This is never a welcome revelation in any relationship, so Bitch doesn't exactly run forward to meet his boyfriend's mother. We switch to GFS again for another moment of Fanboy Jizzery. This time, enormous text overlays the FMV. The camera points down at Sephiroth as he whines, "But they...Those worthless creatures are stealing the planet from Mother." I think he's riding up the tube like an escalator, as he's moving but his legs aren't. The fanboys, meanwhile, eat this up with a spooge-encrusted spoon. Sephiroth faces the metal angel statue, continuing to speak without his lips moving. "But now I'm here with you so don't worry."

Shoulder pads are so out this season.

The camera continues to careen all over the place as Sephiroth rips the statue off its tube. Unspecified orange liquid spurts out of its facial orifices. Like, gross. I'm really not sure what in the hell purpose the statue has anyway, as it's not actually Jenova. Nope, Jenova is in a glass container behind the statue. And she has a head. With a creepy eye. And a technological-looking helmet. Don't look at me, I'm just the recapper.

Down at the base of the tube, which is now blue, Bitch is all, "What about MEEEEEEEEEEEE?" He points out that whatever wrong was done to Sephiroth's mommy and Sephiroth himself, damn it, Bitch is suffering too, and it's just as terrible. Except he says it a lot whinier. But as it turns out, Sephiroth isn't sad -- he's happy because he has been "chosen" to rule the Planet. Even though he just said his mom was the rightful ruler. So he's getting a little ahead of himself here. Plus, no one actually chose him for anything -- he decided he was the freaking ruler. That's like me saying I've been chosen to be the ruler of the internet. Bow down to me.

"I have orders to take this planet back from you stupid people for the Cetra. What am I supposed to be sad about?" he continues. Now hold on here. Who has been giving him orders? Jenova? Jesus? A wizard? We know he wasn't telepathically communicating with anyone, because he didn't make a big deal about it -- the game designers wouldn't be subtle about something like that. Whatever the case -- and my brain is hurting, so I'd better move on -- Bitch has a moment of mourning for the man he used to love. Then he stands there, shorter and thicker sword at the ready, as the camera cuts back and forth between him and Sephiroth -- neither moving -- faster and faster until the screen fades to white.

I want the last several minutes of my life back.

"......and that's the end of my story," Bitch says, back in the present. Maybe it's just me, but I think we have a few unanswered questions at this point. How did Tita survive? How did Bitch survive? Where has Sephiroth been these last five years? How did Jenova end up in the Shinra building? What happened to her head? These questions are all addressed by various party members, except for the last one, which I kind of threw in because I'm just morbidly curious. Conveniently, neither Bitch nor Tita remember what took place after that. Bitch acknowledges that he couldn't have defeated Sephiroth with his shitty sword skills and Sephiroth's badassitude. He also comments on how Tita's non-bloody wound was bad enough to kill her. But...they leave it at that. Seriously, what a fucking gyp.

Anyway, as for Sephiroth, the Shinra-owned newspaper says he's dead. Which, if people are able to believe that, means that Sephiroth hasn't done anything in the recent past to make them believe otherwise. So with all those grand, world-dominating thoughts bouncing through his brain, he just...didn't really try to do anything about it. He didn't burn any more villages or anything. Well, okay. I'm sure there's a terrific reason for this, which will be explained later. I can wait.

"Seems like a lot of this doesn't make sense. What about Jenova? It was in the Shinra building, right?" Airhead wonders. According to Bitch, Shinra transported Jenova from one place to the other. Which means that Sephiroth didn't smuggle her out of Nibelheim back then. I guess that will all be answered when we find out how Bitch got out of there alive. Yeah.

Then these Einsteins wonder who stole Jenova from Shinra. Even though they know Sephiroth was in the building and killed the president at that time. Let's use our brains here, people. Tita tentatively suggests that Sephiroth might be responsible. That hard thinking must have burned out her one remaining brain cell.

Preaching to the choir here.

Mr. T loses it at this point, fed up with the plot holes and shitty storytelling. He announces that he's "leavin' the thinkin' to you!" Which would be a good thing, if any of the possible "you"s in this room had any brainpower themselves. He runs to the stairs, ready to go. For some reason I get a choice whether to move on or to wait a minute. I can't think of one reason I should stay here instead of advancing the story, so I choose yes.

As soon as Mr. T leaves, Tita attempts to have another Moment with Bitch. "How bad was I when Sephiroth cut me?" she wonders. "Cut" should be in quotations, but it's not the first typing mistake they've made in this game. I believe I've already covered how fucking ridiculous it is that she doesn't remember. Or maybe something else is going on here, like Tita just trying to get Bitch to admit his feeeeeeeelings for her. He falls right into this plan like it's a plot hole, admitting that he was quite depressed over her likely death. It's nice that he remembers the unimportant shit so that we can have these awkward romantic moments.

Speaking of lame, Airhead has to break into this conversation by wanksting, "The Ancients.....Cetra......Jenova......Sephiroth and myself....." Tita is a little ticked at Airhead's attempt to divert Bitch's attention, so she just tells everyone they need to get going. So they do. Well, except for Gay Lion, who muses, "What a fascinating story......" Where has he been?

In the hotel lobby, Tita says, "Oh, Bitch. Let me give you this." I think I need to avert my eyes, but it turns out she's just giving him the "PHS." No, that's not an STD or menstrual-related condition -- it's a way to change party members on the world map. Yet another way that Tita and Airhead try to worm their way into my all-male party. Sorry, ladies. "With [PHS], I can see you any time!" Airhead squeals. I don't think so. As for why Tita didn't bother to give this to Bitch before, well....look over there!

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