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  -Part 1 :: [02.13.02]
  -Part 2 :: [02.13.02]
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  -Part 4 :: [12.08.02]
  -Part 5 :: [07.27.03]
  -Part 6 :: [08.29.04]
  -Part 7 :: [08.29.04]
  -Part 8 :: [11.20.04]
  -Part 9 :: [04.11.05]
  -Part 10 :: [04.11.05]
  -Part 11 :: [02.17.08]


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"Pretty much all the enemies are of this simple variety, meaning that Martel must have the lowest standards of any goddess anywhere. Shit, Tidus could practically beat this crappy trial."
     -Jeanne, Tales of Symphonia Part 2




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Final Fantasy VII : Part 7
By Jeanne
Posted 08.29.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
The scene changes to an FMV, though the game designers were too lazy to FMV-style the characters and simply left them in CBPS. Sephiroth, Tita, and Bitch are on the upper part of the bridge as it splits in two. Another important rule of breaking bridges is that the big strong hero must catch the helpless heroine before she falls to her splattery death. He does, but it's too late! The five of them (though only one peon soldier was visible on the bridge) fall, fall into oblivion!

I saw how high that bridge was. I don't think Jesus would survive that fall. Since we know that Bitch, Tita, and Sephiroth did survive this ordeal, I expect an awesome explanation as to how this is possible. Oh man, I kill me. Bitch, Tita, Sephiroth, and one of the soldiers are on the ground below, completely unharmed. Sephiroth's only concern is that they return to where they were. Tita informs him that the caves all meet up, "just like an ant farm." An ant farm. And I won't even try to think about the logistics of the caves, just because I need to preserve the last remaining shred of my sanity. Tita points out the obvious -- that the other peon soldier is missing. I don't know if it's Bob or Schtolty, so we'll just assume that Schtolty met his unfortunate demise. "It may sound cold, but we've got no time to search for him," Sephiroth says, leading into some statements of the obvious regarding his intent to keep going. Bitch has a moment of silence for dear, departed Schtolteheim Reinbach, then climbs up the spiny incline and heads into the nearby cave.

"What's this?" Bitch wonders when they step into the cave. "A mysteriously colored cave..." Tita responds. Oh, for the love of...how much more pointless shit are they going to throw at me? Yes, the cave is glowing green. Call the cops! Sephiroth exposits that the mountain contains a shitload of Mako, which is why the Mako Reactor is located there. Wow, I would never have guessed! The surprises just keep coming out of the woodwork. Like cockroaches.

I run into my first random battle in the cave. As before, the enemies are way beyond Bitch's skill level, and he spends most of the battle dead. I really have to wonder about the fucking point of these battles. Bitch doesn't gain any experience. I know that the evil monsters have been spawned by the reactor malfunction. This is still stupid and pointless.

Outside the cave, the four of them happen upon a glowing object. The graphics are too crappy for me to give a good description, but according to Sephiroth, this is "A Mako fountain. It's a miracle of nature." Yeah, but people call childbirth a miracle of nature, so pardon me if the term has lost some of its impact. Thankfully, Bitch and Tita don't have a moment over this fantastic discovery. Tita does get a wee bit excited over it, and granolas that the Mako Reactor will eventually suck the fountain drier than...well, insert your own Squall and Seifer joke here.

We get a close-up of the Mako fountain. Now I can see that it's a shiny green rock sitting on a weird rock formation. Sephiroth exposits for our benefit that this shiny thing is materia, which is produced from condensed Mako energy. Seeing materia out in the wild like this is as rare as a sober game designer. Bitch brings the group's IQ down about fifty points by asking, "By the way...Why is it that when you use materia you can also use magic too?" I can't wait to see this explanation. After pointing and laughing at Bitch for being ignorant, Sephiroth explains, "...the knowledge and wisdom of the Ancients is held in the materia." *snort* That's almost as good as midichlorians. I don't even know if I should recap the next bit of bullcrap. Oh, what the heck. This is too funny not to share, even if it requires some extra typing on my part. "Anyone with this knowledge can freely use the powers of the Land and the Planet. That knowledge interacts between ourselves and the planet calling up magic......or so they say." So they say, indeed. Only Tidus looking in the mirror could see a bigger pile of shit than this.

"Magic.....a mysterious power..." Bitch morons after this "explanation." Though I can't really blame him for not making sense of it. Who could? Sephiroth laughs out loud at Bitch's expense, as Tita leans over in frustration. Or to show her boobs to Sephiroth. Though with that girl hair, I don't know why she would think he'd be interested. Bitch demands to know why his lover is laughing at his expense. "A man once told me never to use an unscientific term such as mysterious power! It shouldn't even be called 'magic'!" Sephiroth randomly shares. The only point of this, if you can call it that, is to namedrop none other than Hojo, the pervy scientist. Sephiroth informs us that Hojo is just an insane peon scientist who took over for a better scientist. Who I'm sure will never be mentioned again. Jesus. Tita finally straightens up and perfectly ends this perfect scene by saying, "A Mako fountain...So this is where the knowledge of the Ancients is." I wish these people actually existed so I could go on a killing spree.

 
PENIS!

Walk, walk, walk up the side of the mountain where the reactor is located. Pan down the phallic length of said reactor. Whew, I was going through penis withdrawal. Everyone stops at the base of the stairs leading into the penis reactor. Bitch obviously doesn't want Tita getting in the way of any hot mansex, so he orders her to stay outside. Of course this causes Tita to throw a foot-stomping tantrum. Sephiroth bursts her bubble by pointing out that only gay men Shinra personnel can enter the penis. "Take care of the lady," Sephiroth orders Bob. As the two men head into the wang, Bob blocks Tita, who tries to follow. She stomps her foot some more and bitches. Turning away from him and putting her hands on her hips, she snits, "Better take real good care of me then!" Oh boy. Don't want to know.

Luckily we rejoin Bitch and Sephiroth inside the reactor. This reactor is set up similar to the others we've visited. Bitch climbs and strolls his way to the next chamber, where a series of pods with portholes are lined up in rows. Kind of like a high-tech ICO. He finds Sephiroth standing at the top of the staircase in the middle of the chamber, staring at a door. As Bitch walks up to him, the label over the door becomes visible: Jenova. Dun-dun-DUN! The "plot" thickens! "This is......Jenova, right? The lock won't open..." Bitch wanks. So does he know what Jenova is at this point (like it sounds), or does he think that Sephiroth's aforementioned dead mother is in there? It doesn't sound like the correct thing to say upon discovering such a place. Yeah, welcome to Final Fantasy VII.

Sephiroth calmly walks up to one of the pods on the bottom row, and announces that a broken part -- not visible to us, of course -- is causing the malfunction. He asks Bitch to close the valve. Because I'm dumb, I interpret this as closing the valves just outside the room. Let's pretend I didn't try to do that. Yes, I've played this game before. Please don't take this opportunity to "teach" me about what happens at future points in the game. Finally, I figure out that I'm supposed to press the circle button next to the fucked up pod. DERP! Sephiroth wonders why that part broke, as if nothing ever malfunctions in his happy little world. For some reason, he decides that the answer to his question can be found if he hoists himself up and, with feet dangling, looks into the little porthole on one of the pods. "...now I see, Hojo," he says mysteriously. "But, even doing this, will never put you on the same level as Professor Gast." The previously mentioned "great scientist," obviously.

We're just aching to know what Sephiroth discovered, but first we have to earn the information by sitting through some more lame bullshit from the master himself. "This is a system that condenses and freezes the Mako energy...that is, when it's working correctly. Now...what does Mako energy become when it's further condensed?" I'm going to guess poop. Bitch has to think awhile before remembering that it becomes, duh, materia. This is correct, although my answer makes a hell of a lot more sense, plotwise. Sephiroth ominously says that Hojo added something else to the mix. Oh, crap. Don't want to know.

What did Hojo add to the mix?
Alcohol
Crack
Bleach
Spooge

 

At Sephiroth's command, Bitch hoists himself up to look in the porthole. For a moment, I expect Sephiroth to anally violate him, but I'm probably just thinking of some fanfiction out there. Through the window, Bitch sees a humanoid face with bared teeth and a series of tentacles growing out of its head. Somehow, in this world of weird shit, Bitch has never seen anything like it. He falls on his ass in shock. Sephiroth explains for our benefit that "normal" members of SOLDIER are "showered with Mako." "You're different from the others, but still human," he continues. Different from what others? Other humans? Other members of SOLDIER? Is it a generic "you," or is he speaking of Bitch specifically? Fuck this translation. The tentacle dudes in the containers have been infused with even more Mako than Bitch. How unusual and creative to have humans turn into monsters by being exposed to high levels of a powerful substance. Hey, that sounds kind of like the game designers themselves.

After learning that Hojo is responsible for these mutants, Bitch picks up on Sephiroth's mention of "normal" SOLDIER members. Er, members of SOLDIER. Never mind. "You mean you're different?" he pulls out of his ass. Sephiroth starts grabbing his head and shaking. Oh, for God's sake, can't anyone in this game not be a mental case? He starts muttering shit to himself, then goes on a destructive spree with his phallic sword. "...Was I created this way too?" he shrieks. Now, I can see how he might think he looks like these mutants because of his weird-ass bangs, but the distinct lack of actual tentacles growing out of his head would make me think he's not one. But Sephiroth is convinced that he's a big freakish monster, too. Dude, no one is writing pornographic fanfiction about those monsters. Oh God, I hope. Sephiroth points out that the monsters in the tanks were once human. Bitch is all "No way dude!" Okay, Sephiroth already said that they were living creatures mutated by Mako. They don't look like they were created from fish.

"...I've always felt since I was small..." Sephiroth shares. "That I was different from the others. Special, in some way." Sephy, that just means you are gay. Just then, one of the pods -- not even one that Sephiroth was attacking -- starts sparking and shaking. We get an FMV close-up of a mutated clown mouth screeching in the window. The pod finally breaks open with much steam as the creepy monster...lays there. Seriously, it just lays there. That's almost as threatening as a fuzzy bunny. The scene fades out on that anticlimactic image.

 
His lipstick SO does not match his skin tone.

The text over the black screen has an identity crisis. "Am I......human?" it wonders. No, you're a text box in a video game. Oh, this is Present!Bitch repeating Sephiroth's words. "I didn't quite understand what Sephiroth was saying at that time," he continues, his word choice sounding suspiciously like Wankese. "I was even more surprised by that fact that Shinra was producing monsters." Yeah, who would think that a big, evil corporation with a mad scientist working for it would ever create something like -- gasp! -- monsters? Both Mr. T and Tita, potential MENSA members as always, are shocked. "That would seem to explain the increase in the number of monsters recently," Gay Lion comments. Shit, someone is making sense here.

The game designers, bless their cracked-out sadistic souls, give me a chance to save here. I think I would have to kill myself if the power went out and I had to sit through the entire sequence again. In fact, I don't even want to sit through the entire sequence now. That's right, I'm cutting this recap off before I get to the end of that X-Treme Flashback. You'll have to wait until next time to find out what really happened back then. Supposing that it's not all bullshit anyway. And with that bit of foreshadowing, I'll see you in Part 8!

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