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"With this comes our first boss battle, against what I assume to be the, beast behind the omnipotent Mysterious Voice -- a huge dragon formed from mist, fittingly and imaginatively named the Mist Dragon. I really don't see how something made from mist can give or receive damage, but just play along. Your sanity takes less of an ass-raping that way."
     -Ben, Final Fantasy IV Part 2

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Final Fantasy VII : Part 7
By Jeanne
Posted 08.29.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
As Bitch explores the town, some rather trippy shit goes down. No, it doesn't morph into evil Silent Hill, and there's no talking scarecrows. But inside one house, a guy welcomes him before asking, "Hey? Aren't you..." The screen flashes white and the guy disappears. "...Have I come here before? ...I don't remember," Bitch hallucinates. If you feel a pain on the back of your skull, that's because you've just been assaulted by the Foreshadowing Wizard. You see, not everything is as it seems. That doesn't mean I can skip recapping all this, however. The pain must go on.

The funny part is that Present!Bitch is relaying all this useless exploration to the rest of the party. We don't get to hear it, but I can just imagine Bitch being all, "I went into this house, and searched around for random goodies laying about." And so on. We know he's doing this because Mr. T suddenly shrieks at Bitch to get on with the good stuff. Did he do it with Sephiroth or not? Spill the details, girlfriend!

Bitch isn't about to listen to some guy, even if he is huge with a phallic firearm on his, well, arm. He heads into the next house. "This house. It has nothing to do with that incident five years ago," Bitch awkwardly exposits. Seriously, he's telling this story and he says "This is my house"? He's not giving a fucking tour here. Mr. T and Airhead beg Bitch to describe the reunion with his family as if their lives freaking depend on it.

We learn that Bitch lives with his mom, since his dad died a long time ago. "My mom...she was a vibrant woman. Hadn't changed at all," Bitch says. What guy describes his mother as "vibrant"? My gaydar is pinging like a God damn fire alarm. "But a few days later, she died...." Bitch sobs. Everyone, duck! Whew, we just missed the Foreshadowing Wizard and his pointy staff of doom.

Bitch's mom is, obviously, blonde, and she wears an orange dress. The joyous reunion is somewhat strained. Sure, Bitch's mom freaks out like a fangirl encountering a naked Legolas, but she stops about three feet away from him and doesn't even bother with a hug. That can easily be explained away by the game designers' animation laziness. During this entire sequence, the White Screen Flash cuts to various random scenes of Bitch and his mom talking. I don't know if this is supposed to be like the Ominous Screen Flash that happened in the other house or if it's just a way to divide up a much longer scene into smaller chunks. Fanwank to your heart's delight.

First, Ma Bitch checks Bitch out. And she gives him a good once over, too, examining him from different angles. As she stares at his ass, she remarks that he is "handsome." I think we took a wrong turn onto Incest Street a mile back. She checks him out some more, then we flash to Bitch lying on the bed as his mom rhapsodizes over how much he's grown. Initiating wire brush mode..... She wonders if the girls all want a piece of him. Yes, all the girls want a piece of him. Not the guys, oh no. No buttsex here. After making a comment about all the temptations to be found in the big evil city, she says, "I'd feel a lot better if you just settled down and had a nice girlfriend." And I think she has someone in mind, if you follow me. "You should have...and older girlfriend, one that'll take care of you," she continues, further incrementing the Wrong-o-meter. You more perceptive readers and obsessive FFVII fans will remember this image and dialogue from Bitch's earlier flashback. This means that, according to Bitch, he hasn't slept in a good bed in five years. Jesus.

Bitch brushes her off, thankfully, meaning that I can once again look at the screen without shielding my eyes. The rest of the scene is a series of snippets involving Bitch's mom doing the normal mom routine, nagging and worrying. Thank God. With that horrifying sequence out of the way and my dinner no longer in my stomach, Bitch heads into the final house in this part of town. That's right, Tita's.

Hey, how does Bitch's mom know that about me?

During his exploration of her house, Present!Tita keeps interjecting questions and comments. She wonders if Bitch went into her house. I'm not sure if my choices here affect whether or not Bitch can continue to root through her, so to speak. But I'm honest anyway, because watching Tita get all pissy is kind of amusing. First, he scopes out what must be her parents' room with its double beds. Scandalous! Tita's room is easily as big as the master bedroom, and even has a fucking piano. If Tita is a professional singer/musician, I'm turning this game off right now. Bitch finds "Orthopedic Underwear" in Tita's wardrobe. I guess we know how she supports those watermelons now. Present!Tita screams "Bitch!!!" at this. He can insist on its veracity or admit that he's just fucking around. Oh come on -- you know that shit really happened.

Tita weakly reminds him of the main plotline of his story, undoubtedly trying to hide her naturally saggy boobs. But Bitch is not done! He goes over to the piano to putz around some more. Tita once again asks if he played the piano. Shit, Tita, let him tell his story. He admits that he "jammed on it." And he sure did, if I may brag about my mad FF7 piano skills.

'You're not wearing a dress.'

We'll just skip the next house with the irritating children. Hey, I suffer enough for you guys. Give me a break, you freaking sadists. With that unnecessary crap out of the way, Bitch heads over to the inn to get some nookie. In the lobby, he meets a rather buff guy wearing a red cape. Oh, baby. His name is Zangan, and he's a martial arts instructor for children. Leaping around like an overgrown fairy, he brags that he's teaching 128 children around the world, like he's the Wilt Chamberlain of pedophiles. In Nibelheim, his student is none other than Tita. So they bothered to give her some backstory for her fighting skills. Color me surprised. "Tita has good sense. She'll be a powerful fighter," Zangan insists. Pardon me for a moment.


Seriously, comedy fucking gold. After winking at the underage Bitch and asking to see some of his Shinra moves, Zangan encourages him to use some of his techniques as well. Bitch considers this offer, but remembers that he has an adult male in bondage gear waiting for him upstairs and declines. For now. Like everyone else in the village, the innkeeper also recognizes Bitch. "Say, you've really moved up in the world, being under Sephiroth's command." I'll let that comment stand on its own.

Upstairs, Sephiroth gazes angstily out a window. "What are you looking at?" Bitch Aurons, slipping his hands around Sephiroth's waist. Pardon me for spicing up the horrid lack of animation. "...This scenery......I feel like I know this place," Sephiroth muses. As we all know by now, no one ever makes a comment like this randomly. Sephiroth encourages Bitch to get some "sleep," as either Schtolty or Bob makes his way to the room. How...cozy. Before turning in for the night, Sephiroth informs Bitch that he hired a guide to, well, guide them to the reactor. It's a young woman, and I bet she's going to be a completely random townsperson and no one we know at all.

The game designers don't show us what happens in the night. Instead, we cut to the town square the next morning. For some reason Bitch gets up later than the others (maybe he had more cleaning up to do), as Sephiroth, Bob, and Schtolteheim Reinbach are all waiting next to a rather out-of-place mansion. Camera Guy follows Bitch in a not-at-all creepy way over to his idol. Bitch does a quick round of Talk To Everyone. This includes Tita's dad who's hanging out nearby for NO REASON AT ALL. We'll skip him, since his little bit of dialogue makes no sense. We'll get our fill of that shit soon enough (like we haven't already). Sephiroth announces that they'll leave as soon as their totally random guide gets there. This prompts Tita's dad to say, "Listen to me, Sephiroth. In case something happens..." Why is her dad all concerned about this mission when it clearly has nothing to do with Tita whatsoever?

Ha, ha, Tita's dad is talking about mountain climbing. GET IT?!

Just then, a young girl wearing a hideous cowboy hat, red miniskirt, and black boots runs up. Holy shit, it's Tita! Let me have a moment while I get my heart beating again. I just can't handle shock like I used to. Again, those of you who have been paying attention for all the recaps may recall Cowgirl!Tita from one of Bitch's hallucinations. This does not bode well for her daddy in this flashback sequence. Wait, is something bad going to happen in Nibelheim?

Tita assures her daddy that she'll be fine with these strange men out in the mountainous wilderness. Bitch apparently missed all the obvious hints, as he practically pisses himself in surprise at seeing Tita. "I just happen to be the number one guide in this town," she dorks. And an accomplished martial arts student, the most popular girl in Nibelheim, and the one with the biggest boobs! What a wonder this girl is! I must cosplay her so that all the fanboys will want to do me! Bitch gives his usual misogynistic spiel about how it's too daaaaaangerous for a mere girl to go along. Like he's some big fucking stud with his 140 HP. Sephiroth cuts Bitch short by ordering him to protect Tita. Tita practically creams her shorts over the chance for her big manly Bitch to take care of her like he prooooooomised.

No, Tita. The boys said you were the number one ride in town.

But before they can get on with the mission, Camera Guy runs forward and begs Sephiroth to let him snap a photo. CG implores Tita to ask Sephiroth, too, like he thinks Sephiroth needs some boobage flashed in his face in order to give a yes answer. Tita simply runs over to Bitch, as now that they're reunited, she can't stand to be away from him for two seconds. Sephiroth stands next to the two of them just long enough for Camera Guy to get his money shot. In a seemingly unimportant statement, CG promises them each a copy of the picture. Tita is going to draw a heart around herself and Bitch. Bitch is going to cross out Tita and draw a heart around Sephy-poo.

Now for more plot! Wonders never cease. A drunken FMV camera pans around a series of deformed and spiky mountains, as Present!Bitch exposits all over everyone. He tells about the reactor that was built on the mountain a couple of seconds before we see its phallic shape. A long rope bridge stretches up to the top of a nearby spiny rock formation. I'm not sure why the bridge doesn't just go to straight to the level with the reactor, but then we couldn't have the ensuing dramatic sequence.

Bitch sets the scene by describing the cold. Fanboys everywhere sit an inch from the screen to try to see Tita's erect nipples. Back in CBPS, we get our first glimpse of the winding paths through the mountains and realize why the group needs a guide. As they reach the upward-slanting rope bridge, Tita tells them to follow her, running up it like a squirrel on speed. The Bible of TV, Movie, and Video Game Cliches states that rope bridges must not, under any circumstances, stay intact. So that's why, when Bitch makes it about halfway up, the bridge begins vibrating and creaking as if an elephant were stomping on it. "Uhh...the bridge!!" Tita duhs. No, I thought Bitch let an extraordinary fart.

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