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  -Part 1 :: [02.13.02]
  -Part 2 :: [02.13.02]
  -Part 3 :: [04.01.02]
  -Part 4 :: [12.08.02]
  -Part 5 :: [07.27.03]
  -Part 6 :: [08.29.04]
  -Part 7 :: [08.29.04]
  -Part 8 :: [11.20.04]
  -Part 9 :: [04.11.05]
  -Part 10 :: [04.11.05]
  -Part 11 :: [02.17.08]

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"Another email before Shion reaches the shuttle is about the capture of that pesky hacker, a guy named Lev Vandevorst who goes by the appropriately phallic handle Snake Charmer. I think I'd have an erotic handle too if I had that clunker of a real name."
     -Sam, Xenosaga Part 10

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Final Fantasy VII : Part 1
By Jeanne
Posted 02.13.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Tita spots the flower that Bitch bought from the flower girl and says "A flower for me? Oh, Bitch, you should'nt have." This so nauseates me that when given the choice, I make Bitch give the flower to Marlene. HA HA, TAKE THAT, TITA! I swear to God, she's practically shoving her giant polygons in Bitch's face, and I'm so annoyed because I had a college roommate who used to do that to guys she liked. Yeah, it was real classy. Anyhow, Bitch does not seem too impressed by Tita's enormous white polygons, so I snicker evilly behind my hand.

Then Mr. T enters. Apparently, Marlene is his daughter. Mr. T spots the flower and asks where she got it. Marlene says "Bitch gave it to me!" I don't know about you, but if I said that type of thing when I was little, I would have gotten my mouth washed out with soap. Or more likely, my parents would have threatened to wash my mouth out with soap, but never would've gotten around to doing so. Needless to say, I swear a lot and so does my mom.

But I digress.

Mr. T announces the start of the meeting and everyone goes downstairs on the magical pinball machine which is actually the secret door! Tita and Bitch remain upstairs and I groan loudly as I realize they are about to have a "moment". Might as well get this over with.

Tita asks Bitch if she can get him a drink. "Give me something hard," I make Bitch tell her. Hee hee! Sounds more like something he would say in a yaoi fanfiction story, but that's another topic entirely. Tita gushes over Bitch and he asks what's with her. I wonder the same thing. She tries again to be concerned, but Bitch just goes downstairs. See, girls, you scare the hell out of guys when you throw yourselves at them. Unless you are a supermodel or something. Guys are fickle. And while I'm at it - guys, it scares women away when you call them ten million times a day, or buy them expensive presents when you are just friends, or write songs about having sex with them. It's really, really scary actually, and why the hell did you have to turn into such a scary stalker, Jim? Um....I kind of went off on a tangent there.

We cut away from dysfunctional flirting to learn about the next mission. Mr. T asks Bitch if there was anyone from SOLDIER fighting them today. Bitch blusters that if there were, Mr. T wouldn't be standing there right now. Mr. T gets all pissy, and Biggs runs over to, I think, hold him back from kicking Bitch's ass. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your POV), it looks like Biggs is humping Mr. T's ass. You'd think it would be the other way around, because Biggs pumping away at Mr. T just looks silly, kind of like that joke about the ant and the elephant.

Bitch turns away as Mr. T launches Biggs into the air. Guess he wasn't too thrilled with the spontaneous mounting.

Mr. T accuses Bitch of wanting to return to Shinra. I don't know about you, but at this point, I'm getting the hint that Shinra is something very, very bad. They've only mentioned it like ten times without telling us exactly what it is, so it's a Mysterious Evil Thing. Oooooo....

Tita runs down just as Bitch asks for his money. Bitch snits that he doesn't care about Shinra or SOLDIER...or AVALANCHE or the planet for that matter! Oh, he's such a badass. I'm so impressed. He's one second away from becoming Mr. T's bitch when he takes the magical pinball machine back upstairs. Unfortunately Tita stalks him, and it's time for yet another "moment." Okay, that's two moments within the first hour of the game. I'm never going to survive this with my stomach contents intact if I have to watch much more of this.

Tita wants Bitch to join them. He refuses, and she pulls out the big guns. No, I'm not referring to her chest. I'm referring to the "childhood friend" guilt trip. Oh, jeez. "What...?" Bitch asks. I'm wondering the same thing....and yet, I don't want to know.

"...You forgot the promise, too." Tita sulks. Oh, jeez. I curl into a fetal position as I try to hide from the cliché, but it's no use. If that wasn't bad enough, now we have to watch the cheesy flashback. I shall try not to toss my cookies.

Okay, it's a starry night and Bitch is waiting by the well. Tita shows up wearing a hideously colored dress that looks rather short. It seems that she was a little ho, even as a young teenager. Bitch announces that he's leaving to join SOLDIER because he wants to be like Sephiroth. "The Great Sephiroth..." Tita muses. This is what we call "Foreshadowing".

Tita seems sad that Bitch will be leaving, so she reaches into her silly teenage girl imagination and comes up with a "promise". If Bitch ever becomes famous, and Tita is in a bind, he will promise to come to her rescue. She's a woman after all, and that means that she's helpless and needs her big strong manly man to rescue her. Bitch seems confused and doesn't respond right away, and I wonder if, like me, he is trying not to vomit. RUN, BITCH! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN! But Tita insists, and Bitch promises her, just to make her shut the hell up.

Then the camera pans up to show the night sky, and as if this scene weren't cheesy and stupid enough, there is a fucking shooting star. I lose what's left of my lunch.

Present time. "You remember now, don't you?" Tita asks. I don't blame Bitch for forgetting. Obviously it meant quite a bit more to her than to him, as is often the case. Bitch tries to back out, saying "I'm not a hero and I'm not famous. I can't keep....the promise." I can just imagine the sickened look on his face as he says "promise". Because it's the same look that's on mine right now.

Tita hasn't lost any of that pushiness in the seven years since the promise, and she keeps nagging Bitch to keep it. Luckily, Mr. T shows up at that point to give Bitch his money. Mr. T says "A promise is a promise." About the money, that is. Apparently this is enough to guilt Mr. Badass Bitch into keeping the promise he made to Tita. Because he decides to stay on for the next mission. I sigh in dismay.

The next morning, Bitch is still at the hideout, but thank goodness the dorky sappy music has been replaced by something less obnoxious. This is Mr. T's theme, for anyone who cares (the previous stuff was Tita's theme, surprise surprise). The next target is the Sector 5 reactor, and everyone is supposed to meet at the station. But not before we get a lovely little Materia tutorial.

Tita tells Marlene to watch the shop. Um...I dunno, but she seems a little too young to leave all alone in a bar in a seedy looking town. Maybe I'm just too overprotective.

Before leaving town, Bitch stops by the weapon shop and the training hall. Bitch is too cool to need any training, so he offers his advice - not just on battles, but on things like memory cards. I never thought I'd see the day when a video game character was giving advice on how not to destroy your memory cards in anger, but I was wrong. Armed with all the new battle knowledge, plus the new information about "taking a break from the game if I need it", Bitch, Mr. T, and Tita head to the station.

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