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  -Part 1 :: [02.17.04]
  -Part 2 :: [08.24.04]
  -Part 3 :: [10.17.04]
  -Part 4 :: [12.23.04]


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"A warrior monk pokes [Tightass] in the butt with his gun (thanks, game designers) and tells him he's next. 'Next for what?' Tightass demands, because he is really, really stupid."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy X Part 16




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Breath of Fire III : Part 3
By Ryan
Posted 10.17.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Last time, Ben escorted you all through that terrible Nue endeavor, waded through rivers of Teepo!Spooge, snuck into the Def-con 5 fortress that is McNeil manor, kicked the not-quite-living daylights out of McNeil's ancestors, and then kicked the not-quite-living daylights of McNeil's ancestors once more, after they'd been thrown into a blender and set to liquefy. He should get, like, the Purple Heart for that shit. ...Or the gayer, British equivalent, with, I don't know, Rainbows shooting off of it or something.

Anyway, the camera has just done an aerial pan of the village, and we can see that in front of every door sits a little bag of money. MysteryExposition!Man writes across the screen: "Little did the Heroes of the Cedar Woods know… the real trouble wouldn't begin until the next day..."

Cut to the Ambiguously Evil Next Day, at CT and Teepo's Jungle Love Bungalow. The Jungle Lovers have all gathered around the breakfast table for a nice, hearty meal of Shut Up Now Please Teepo. "That was a lot of fun, wasn't it, [CT]?" The Mini-skirted wonder asks, knowing full well that the events that transpired the previous night were not, in fact, fun. "That McNeil looked so silly! There's no one who can beat us! We're the best!!"

CT tries to be modest about the whole thing to offset Teepo's self-importance, but Teepo just keeps on blabbing. "I can't wait to see the looks on their faces!" he screeches. CT and Teepo talk about how the village will probably build them a shrine 'cause they're so freaking awesome for not stealing from the town for like, a day, and how they killed the Nue and stuff. Then Teepo decides that the party should head into town to brag. Because that worked out so well for them last time.

Then Alf leads his two companions out of the Bungalow, and the party merrily wanks their way through the monster-infested forest. In a random battle, one of an endless string, Alf has the foresight to "watch" a Mage Goo monster to learn the skill Burn. Not that he knows it will come in handy anytime soon or anything, but just because he feels like it. Teepo won't always be around to keep things flaming make good with the Simoon spells, you know. Oops, spoiler.

When the Pedo Party finally reaches McNeil village, Alf gets chided by the villagers for breaking into McNeil's house and scattering the money all over town. The Merry Bandits learn that all the villagers gave their money back to McNeil because his receding hairline is just so intimidating and he deserves the money for hookers more than the villagers deserve the money for food. So, like, let's just chalk that up to the biggest waste of time, EVAR, shall we? ...I hate this game.

I'm curious: What's really the biggest waste of time EVAR?
Finding Sandflier parts in Breath of Fire 4.
Getting the Masamune components in Chrono Trigger.
Anything Gummi-related in Kingdom Hearts.
Riding Sean Connery all over creation in the Wind Wanker.
Earning the Mascot Dressphere in Final Fantasy X-2.

 

To cope with the grief that consumes me after learning that neither Ben nor I will ever get the past hours of our lives back, I make Alf sniff out Loki, the jackass responsible for this whole thing, hoping against all hope that I can rip his head off and flog him with his spinal cord. Or at least shoot him a withering glare. I'll take what I can get at this point.

The whimpering wonder is hiding out by the fields south of the village, practically begging for stabbity punishment. Of course, Alf's sword does nothing except make Loki spray money all over the place a few times, because God has forsaken me. Loki, when engaged in conversation, whimpers something about how great the weather is, and CT tells him that they did just like he said and gave McNeil's money to all the villagers, so why isn't everybody happy? By way of response, Loki sweatdrops and hisses for CT to keep his freaking voice down. I wonder why he's so afraid?

Gee. The villagers all giving their money back and Loki freaking out at being associated with the McNeil robbery wouldn't mean that anything bad is going to come from this little quest, would it? I certainly hope not, because that would mean that not only did we totally waste our time at the Manor, but we ... oh. Of course. Something new and horrible. Right on schedule.

Loki tells Alf that they can talk about the type of deep shit that they are in over at the same hut they met him at last time he got in our way. Loki tells the Pedo Party to go on ahead... and the party actually goes on without him. Not surprisingly, Loki is never seen nor heard from again. I wish he would have at least taken Teepo with him as a hostage or something. A purple wig fashioned of dragon human hair and that fabulous skirt would have fetched a bundle on the Drag Queen Black Market, you know what I'm saying?

The Pedo Party doesn't figure out that Loki is totally tricking them into looking away while he makes his great escape, so they wait patiently in the hut for him to show up. Even though they just saw him five feet from the door. I mean, how long did they think it was going to take him? Not everybody stops to have random three-way quickies every seven steps, guys. After a few minutes, a cow barges through the door with none other than Hagrid hot on its hooves.

Hagrid reminds the confused bunch that he takes care of the dangerous animals 'round these parts, so, naturally, everything he says will be to the cow. Translation: "Since the exposition fairy is on a much-needed vacay, I'll be filling you in on all the tattle that's worth the prattle. Listen up."

 
What is he doing to that cow?!

Hagrid tells the cow that "Loki thought he could have an easy life if he got ahold [sic] of McNeil's money, but he didn't know McNeil was working for a big gang of crooks that doesn't like being stolen from." Hagrid also jabbers that it sounds pretty dangerous to steal from a mobster, and Teepo asks CT what they should do. CT einsteins that it might be a good idea to make like an adolescent and get their asses to the Jungle Love Bungalow. The three make a post-haste exit, stage left.

When CT leads the kids back to their home in the Cedar Woods, eeeeeevil music hits the soundtrack and the camera pans slowly up the hill toward the Bungalow. What they see, well, let's just say that Teepo isn't the only thing in the scene that's flaming. CT runs up to dramatically whine, "What's happening!?" and screech and moan. Dude. Your house is on fire. It's not exactly rocket science. He reminds me of The Sims when the oven catches on fire. Instead of running to the phone and calling the fire department, the stupid buggers dance around and freak out until the whole house is gone and a shiny new gravestone adorns the yard. ...Poor Tim. He didn't stand a chance once the drapes (violet, to match the carpet, natch!) started to go.

CT's angst is interrupted just then, as two horse... men... things approach Teepo and Alf and menacingly say that they were wondering what "their thieves" might look like. I'm guessing that a lavender powderpuff in a miniskirt, a pedophilic furry, and a cute baby dragon cerulean-coiffed crybaby weren't topping the list. I mean, they might have been, but it also might be snowing in hell.

No...
 
Comment.
 

The Bluer of the Horsemen, named Balio, comments on how unbelievably lucky it is that the people McNeil hired them to whack are actually children, which are, in fact, quite whackable. Just ask CT. Balio comments that it's high time the brats learned a lesson in the "school of life," leading Teepo to deduce that these intimidating gangsters are the ones who set the party's forested Neverland ablaze. I'm sure that, by now, you've realized nothing gets past Teepo's detective prowess. I'd think up some creative nickname for him to mirror his intellectual capacity, but he's toast in like, five minutes, tops, so I'm just gonna keep on trucking.

Balio makes some ridiculously homoerotic comments, which I've screencapped above for your ocular pleasure, and Alf unsheathes his sword readies his blade prepares for battle. Sunder, the Greener of the Horsemen, kicks off some pre-battle banter between the two mobsters and... hey, wait a second!

Gangsters. Two of them, partners in crime. Both are horse hybrids, like some type of bizarro centaur thugs. Thanks to the magic of fanfiction, they're probably even doing each other, too. ...Balio and Sunder are now re-christened Bonnie and Clydesdale. It had to be done. It was begging to be done. I'm only human!

Bonnie and Clydesdale adopt battle stances and battle begins. This is one of those battles that, as far as I know, you can't win. Even if you do somehow scrape together a victory, you'll be smote by Jesus and get knocked unconscious anyway. So, in addition to the horses wailing on the three heroes, Alf, for some inexplicable reason, starts attacking Teepo too. That certainly is odd. Especially since Teepo, struck by a terrible run of misfortune, finds himself bereft of equipment in this battle. Too bad he won't be able to mysteriously disappear and take it all with him, eh? But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

Needless to say, the party suffers horrible and painful death at the hands of Bonnie and Clydesdale, and the "Black Screen of Bonnie and Clydesdale Leaving Their Objectives for Dead and Running Away Before Finishing the Job" hijacks the scene. Or maybe it's the "Black Screen of CT and Teepo Being Dragged Away By Timber Wolves and Alf Getting Left Behind For No Reason Whatsoever Godammit." I don't know. Maybe, if the "Black Screen of Lazy Game Designers" would get a break every now and again, we'd have some idea of what the heck's going on. Hint, hint, Crapcom.

 
'I WANT THE CANDY BAR, MOMMY!!'

Alf regains consciousness all alone in Hagrid's bed. Oh man, that's just too easy. After shaking his head and stumbling out of the covers, Alf wanders outside. "......All I found... was you... Alone and wounded in the woods..." Hagrid awkwardly ellipses, "I always told you you'd get in trouble one day. But I never thought that something like this would happen...!" Internal hypocrisy aside, I am a firm believer that there's nothing like a good "Toldja So!" to ease the pain associated with such a crippling loss. Alf, possessing a mere fraction of my maturity, starts to cry.

Then, as soon as they started, the waterworks dry up and Alf sets out down the road. "Where do you think you're going? Looking for them?" Hagrid divines. Alf turns around and makes the ASL sign for "Wyndia," and Hagrid's all, "You're going to Wyndia?!" ...Then Alf starts crying again, Hagrid tells him to follow the road east, and Alf stops crying again. Jesus, does he have The Clapper installed on his tear ducts, or what?

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