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  -Part 1 :: [08.21.03]
  -Part 2 :: [10.16.03]
  -Part 3 :: [02.24.04]
  -Part 4 :: [06.20.04]
  -Part 5 :: [12.24.04]
  -Part 6 :: [01.10.05]
  -Part 7 :: [04.08.05]
  -Part 8 :: [06.05.05]
  -Part 9 :: [07.11.05]
  -Part 10 :: [08.01.05]
  -Part 11 :: [12.26.05]
  -Part 12 :: [01.22.06]

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"Meanwhile his spiky blue hair blows gracefully in the breeze. We see said hair in the middle of the shot for about ten minutes, which makes me come to the conclusion that Capcom have struck a secret advertising deal with L'Oreal."
     -Ben, Breath of Fire IV Part 1

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Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker : Part 1
By Sam
Posted 08.21.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Twink takes temporary leave of Cashew Head and enters the house on the first floor, where he finds Cashew Head's brother. This man, named Orca, is in the middle of attacking a humongous stuffed fish hanging on the wall when Twink enters the room. Orca offers to teach this technique to Twink, which means Twink now knows how to use his rolling attack (read: slam headfirst into things). The incredible racket Orca and Twink are making (not like THAT) causes Cashew Head to stomp around on the floor above and scream indignantly. Sibling love. Aww. I should mention that Orca is spared the indignity of looking like his brother; actually, his head is quite tiny. This is so we get that Orca is the brawn and Cashew Head is the brains. Orca shocks me by ranting at length about how he thinks his brother is a giant waste because he reads books all day instead of practicing his killin' skills. Wait. Strength and intelligence are at odds? I DON'T GET IT!

But sitting through his bitching is worth it, because afterward Orca gives a tutorial on sword combat. This isn't one of those crappy, text-heavy Square-style tutorials, either--it's actually helpful for learning the different swordfighting maneuvers. Also, this is Twink's first chance to play with a phallic object, so clearly he's very happy. Sadly, Orca won't let Twink keep the sword, because Twink's grandmother would get all upset if her baby boy were playing with pointy things. Little does she know he's doing that anyway.

His swordplay time now over, Twink visits Cashew Head in his home on the second floor. We have it drilled into our skulls again that Cashew Head is SMRT and Orca is TEH DUM, because we really don't get it yet. Cashew Head's contribution to Twink's education is to tell him to read a bunch of papers tacked to his walls. Twink dutifully reads everything Cashew Head provides him, but it's all stuff about L-targeting and swimming and that sort of thing. It doesn't hold Twink's attention, since it's not gay porn. Moving on.

Twink wants to spend his ill-gotten birthday money before he goes to see Granny, and luckily there's shopping nearby! Twink boards a small boat at the dock and meets Beedle, the proprietor of Beedle's Shop Ships. This is a game, you will soon see, full of men more flaming than a kitchen grease fire, but Beedle ranks in the top three, no sweat. As if his white boy afro and his skimpy spandex shorts weren't bad enough, he sounds like this. Welcome to Big Gay Beedle's Big Gay Boat Ride!

Twink likes these pears.

Twink buys from Big Gay Beedle a Bait Bag (which looks like a pig's head) and a full supply of All-Purpose Bait (for catching piggies and other critters) and Hyoi Pears (which allow Twink to perform mind control on seagulls--don't ask). The Hyoi Pears, incidentally, have creepy orgasm faces. Each purchase causes Big Gay Beedle to cry out "THAAAAAAAAAANK YOU!" like he was just handed a sizable stack of Playgirl magazines. He's almost making Twink seem straight in comparison.

Finally, it's time to visit Granny. Twink first crawls under the house and liberates Granny of her life savings (100 Rupees in a treasure chest), and then goes inside, where his sweet old grandma is waiting. He finds her on the second floor of the house, holding a green bundle in her hands. Twink holds up his new threads with trepidation. "They look like they might be a little warm for this weather..." the description reads. I guess "warm" is Outset Island slang for "gay." Granny tells Twink to get on with it and put the clothes on, since he only has to wear them for a day. Twink is highly attached to his blue lobster shirt, but he loves his Granny and so does as he's told.

Clothes that make Twink look his gayest?
The blue lobster shirt. C'mon, a lobster?
The green ensemble! He's wearing freaking go-go boots!
He'd look gay even if he were wearing nothing! ...Forget I said that.


As Twink is changing into his green tunic, green cap, white leggings and leather go-go boots, Granny explains the clothes tradition. She exposits that boys used to put on this gay outfit and go out into the world as men, slaying beasts and loving women (figuratively, of course). But now it's just an old tradition that has nothing to do with running off and being the hero. Granny randomly adds that part of this old custom is to hang the family shield on the wall, and we get a nice close-up on said family shield, which Twink won't need to use later or anything.

Twink is all changed now, and I'd say he looks really gay, but that's nothing new. It's just a different flavor of gay. Granny tells him to go show off his new clothes to everyone, while she gets ready for his big birthday bash. "Your grandma is going to make your favorite soup for you tonight! Mmmm!" she says, and sure enough, there's a bubbling pot of "soup" downstairs. Somewhere in another game universe, Gremio is screaming "QUIT COPYING ME!!!" and he doesn't even know why.

Eat my special stew...

Granny instructs Twink to go get Maryll Sue, who is still on the observation deck playing with her freaking seagull friends. Maryll Sue makes fun of Twink's new clothes, repeating the earlier sentiment that they look too "warm." But no matter--Maryll Sue has a special birthday surprise for her brother, so Twink has to close his eyes so she can give it to him. Please let this Sue not have a penchant for incest. Please, God.

I'm thankfully spared any HAWT sibling action, as Maryll Sue's gift to Twink is her cute little telescope. She's only lending it to him for the day, though. Twink eagerly examines the length of it, and wonders if it's the right size for his purposes. Maryll Sue, not understanding this, tells Twink to use it to check out the island. This is our lesson in using objects equipped to R, L and Z. Twink's eye scans the island, stopping on a birdman near the red postbox. Maryll Sue is giving a running commentary, including how to zoom in and out, when the birdman starts freaking out and leaps skyward, feathers shedding everywhere. When he hears Maryll Sue scream, Twink quickly glances up and sees the reason for the commotion: a large bluish-purple bird with plumage in every color of the rainbow. It's also wearing a festive mask.

Yes, this game just got even gayer. Take a moment to process that.

Is anyone in this game straight?

The important thing is that the bird, the Helmaroc King (which is now the Helmaroc Queen, thanks to its color scheme), has a small girl clutched in its talons. Twink watches through the telescope as the Queen flies over Outset Island. It's being pursued by a pirate ship, complete with skull-and-crossbones flag. The ship fires a cannonball, which tags the Helmaroc Queen square across the beak. The bird drops the girl, and she freefalls into a forest at the top of the island. I smell a rescue mission coming on.

Out of telescope!view, Maryll Sue is fretting something fierce. She basically orders Twink to run into the forest and save the girl. Except he doesn't have a sword! Oh, woe is Twink!

Twink runs into Orca's home with a sense of urgency he didn't have the first time. Orca senses that Twink is in need of a hard blade, post haste. But he doesn't trust Twink to know how to use it quite yet, so he and I have to go through the damn tutorial a second time to satisfy the old man. Well, how irritating. Once Twink has proven he knows exactly what to do with his sword, Orca gives it up, along with some cornball hero rhetoric. So Twink now has the Hero's Sword. "Use it wisely and carefully..." says the Disembodied Item Describer. "You don't want to let down the kind old man who has entrusted it to you!" Hear that, Twink? You have to keep those phallic urges of yours under control!

Now armed with a pointy blade, Twink uses it to cut down every tree and every blade of grass on the entire island. What, the girl? Twink has to save her? Well, she's not going anywhere--there are Rupees at stake here! And besides, it's not like Twink has much interest in coming to the rescue of a girl.

Oh, fine. Twink will go get the girl now. He finds a path on the eastern side of the island, and follows it up the cliffs to a long wooden suspension bridge connecting the two halves of Outset. On the other side of the bridge is the entrance to the forest, and more imporantly, more grass for the choppin'.

Inside the forest proper, Twink immediately spots her, hanging precariously from a tree branch by her shirt collar. She's cute, blonde, and clearly at least a temporary damsel in distress--maybe I was a little hasty in designating Twink's sister as the game's Mary Sue. Then again, it's not like games can't have more than one. Twink makes his way through the tiny forest, confronting his first real foes in the process. These are Bokoblins, and they suck so much they don't even have weapons. Sans anything pointy, they are obviously no match for Twink. By the time he's collected the Rupees in the forest and killed off three worthless Bokoblins, the girl in the tree regains consciousness. Now, hanging by your shirt collar from a tree branch is not the most pleasant situation to find oneself in upon waking up. The girl shrieks appropriately and then starts squirming around in fright. All of a sudden the tree branch can't support her weight anymore, and with a crack the branch snaps, sending the girl to the forest floor.. Twink stands there stupidly the whole time, doing nothing. I don't blame him--if he saved this girl from hitting the ground, she might want to, well, repay him in some way, and that would traumatize the poor lad.

They made a fountain in Twink's honor!

The girl jumps to her feet immediately and brushes herself off, before taking a look at her "rescuer." She immediately disses his gay outfit, which shows that she is a Bitch!Sue (even if ridiculing it is perfectly valid). Well, we have a Sweet!Sue already, so that's no surprise. Bitch!Sue goes through the "Where am I?" business that Sues usually experience after waking up from a knockout, but she quickly remembers that she was in the well-manicured talons of the Helmaroc Queen. That'd be quite a thing to forget, I'd think.

At this point a burly guy in ill-fitting clothing runs into the forest clearing, bellowing "Miss Tetra!" So Bitch!Sue has a name now. She can keep it, as (SPOILER, FOR CHRISSAKE!!) she'll be getting a new name later. The burly guy is a pirate named Gonzo. Fearsome name for a pirate. I approve. Gonzo's been all worried about Tetra, which I wouldn't expect at all, what with her being kidnapped by a giant gay bird and everything. No cause for concern there. Once Tetra is updated on the situation, she decides they need to give that bird the what-for. She drags Gonzo out of the forest, but Gonzo asks her what they should do about that really gay kid who "saved [her] life." Tetra the Bitch!Sue says, "Don't worry about him! Come on!" I'm really glad she's not all hot for Twink. Especially since he didn't save her.

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