Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker : Part 10
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Last time we visited the Wet and Wacky World of Twink, Sam sacrificed her sanity to describe for us some seagull gangrape and another unending temple. Among some other undoubtedly scarring stuff. She left off as Twink -- heavy-hearted at the loss of Makar yet glad to have the gay sparklies back in his weapon -- prepared to complete the last part of his quest. I am referring, of course, to collecting the eight pieces of the Triforce of Courage.
As fetch quests go, this is an especially drawn-out, time-consuming one. I have three and a half hours of footage consisting of only Triforce hunting to prove it. In other words, welcome to a recap full of nothing! This will truly put my recapping skills to the test. Hey, come back here!
At this stage of the game, Twink has already collected three of the Triforce charts: the one from his Love Cabana, the Steel Islet kill-all-the-boats one, and the Needle Cock Isle kill-all-the-boats one. That leaves five unreadable charts for me to collect before Twink is allowed to proceed with the riveting plot.
I continue to follow the Brady Guide order for collecting these sons of bitches, so after reading about my next destination and my task therein, I take a few moments to wail and gnash my teeth (with some clothes-rending thrown in for good measure) before reluctantly visiting Big Gay Beedle's Big Gay Shop Ship to stock up on Orgasm Pears. I think you're starting to get what's going on here.
Unfortunately, Twink only has three slots available in his bait bag, and as I don't feel like pouring out my valuable bait, I just pray to all the Hyrulian gods and goddesses (even those freaky frog things) that I can do the next part with only three pears. Twink doesn't even bother to blow Big Gay Beedle...a kiss goodbye, he's just that depressed over what's about to happen. And so am I. So am I.
To add insult to injury, the closest warp point to Twink's destination is Phallus Haven. Great, just rub it in that he's one boyfriend short at the moment. How on earth is he going to break this to the Dicku Tree? Without getting slapped in the mouth? He's not ready to deal with that quite yet, so he puts it on his "Things To Do" list (not to be confused with his "Guys To Do" list). From Phallus Haven, Twink sails northeast to an island creatively named Bird's Peak Rock. Or as I like to call it, Seagull Gangrape Hell. But I'll settle for Bird's Peak Cock, just to keep things consistent.
|How fitting that it's shaped like a giant middle finger.
As both I and the island's name have given away, Bird's Peak Cock is home to a virtual assload of Kargaroc Princesses. There are enough to make the Kargaroc Princesses on Needle Cock Isle look like an endangered species. And if that weren't bad enough, instead of a single switch atop a phallic peak, there are six switches atop six phallic peaks. Twink begins to regret only buying three pears. Yet still
I am he is too lazy to remedy this.
On a smaller island next to the Kargaroc Princess-infested hellhole, Twink encounters a barred door. And there's only one thing that will open it, which involves at least one seagull taking one for the team. Well, we might as well get this show on the road.
It appears that while this task is irritating to an almost unholy degree, someone out there in Game Designer Land has decided that I am not, after all, the antichrist and takes pity on me. From his vantage point on Not-Cock Isle, Twink manages to wipe out four nesting Kargaroc Princesses with his bow. And I'm sure he could eliminate one more if he didn't suck so damn bad at hitting moving faraway targets. Alas.
With the original assload of Kargaroc Princesses reduced to only two, Twink decides that his seagull buddies might have a fighting chance of escaping violation. Here goes nothing.
The main island consists of a single, taller phallus surrounded by five smaller phalluses of varying heights. Thanks to Twink's well-aimed shots, the front four tiny wangs are completely Kargaroc-free. So this should be cake, Twink figures. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that his seagull pals have just returned from a massive binge drinking par-tay. I'm sure the fanwanky defenders of the horrendous seagull control scheme will cite things like "wind currents" and "natural flight movement." But I don't care. These seagulls handle in a way that make the Gummi Ship and their Suikoden IV pals seem downright manageable.
It's seriously embarrassing to watch the footage of the drunken, retarded seagull making pass after pass while attempting to hit these stationary, unguarded switches. Strangely enough, by the time Drunken Frat Seagull #1 reaches the third and leftmost switch, the thing is already lit. Huh. Either Twink nicked it with a lucky arrow or the freaking Kargaroc Princess that was freaking nesting on it nudged it with her tailfeathers. Seriously, how are they not all lit up with that many feathery Kargaroc asses in the vicinity?
Drunken Frat Seagull #1 stupidly manages to attract the attention of a Kargaroc Princess on its way to the fourth switch. Since the fucking thing won't go away no matter how long the seagull attempts to lose it (kind of like an especially annoying banned forum poster), Drunken Frat Seagull finally lures it over to where Twink awaits on the island. Surely when Twink regains control of the situation, he'll take care of Cold Kargarocity!
But no. Twink has the same problem as last time. Even though every other God damn Kargaroc Princess in the game starts whooping and spazzing as soon as it gets within a kilometer of Twink, this asshole is halfway back to the nest before Twink can even lock onto it. Fuck. Fucking fuck fuck.
Drunken Frat Seagull #2 takes over where his bro left off. This one is a little braver than the last -- he attempts to hit the final two switches in spite of the lusty Kargaroc Princesses riding his ass. Unfortunately, he's been hitting the keg even more than the other partiers, and after several unsuccessful fly-bys, he too heads back to his master with not one but two shrieking Kargarocs hot for his inebriated bod. I know the feeling.
Just like last time, neither of the stupid birds sticks around to hassle Twink. What is this -- Bizarro World? But no, I'm still irritated and sucking hard at this game, so this must be the actual world. What is going on?
Finally, Drunken Frat Seagull #3 takes up the switch-hitting mantle (and I don't mean it like that). Twink has no more pears. This is it -- the final attempt. Everything is riding on him. Including the two Kargaroc Princesses of course. Drunken Frat Seagull #3 is no less plastered than his buddies, sad to say. Not once, not twice, not three times, but...well, a shitload of times does he try and fail to hit those switches. Will this turn into another brutal gangrape session resulting in Drunken Frat Seagull #3 mysteriously giving birth to six kids and me ending up with a migraine from having to do this shit all over again? Or will Drunken Frat Seagull #3 live up to his royal ancestry and prevail over the penis switches?
For a tense several minutes, all hangs in the balance. Finally, in a most transcendent, miraculous moment, the wasted seagull somehow hits the final switch, opening that irritating barred door. Twink releases the bird, praying that he will escape the clutches of those persistent princesses. But it's not like it's Twink's problem anymore. Yay for the Triforce Chart!
Like at the Islet of Steel, Twink must use the Wind's Requiem to reveal the treasure chest. Come on, I already jumped through the blood pressure-raising hoops to get here, just give me the fucking chart already. Dickholes.
With much fanfare and sparkly stuff, the chest appears and Twink finally holds the Triforce Chart in his hot little hands. As eager as he is to claim it, I'm even more eager to save my freaking game. I don't know if my heart could handle another go at that horrible task.
After plundering the nearby jars for a bundle of rupees, Twink leaves the cave and hops on Sean Connery for another thrilling ride across the sea. Or at least to the square just to the northeast of Outset Island. Jesus, people, I'm not crazy. This is almost the shortest possible distance to sail, but still Twink has to face an obstacle in the form of a Big Fucking Octo. Clumsily fumbling with his boomerwang, Twink wipes out the eight-eyed freak just in the nick of time. His reward is a chest of 100 rupees. Awesome. I'm not even being sarcastic. For Twink, in addition to subjecting himself to the various tortures that earn him Triforce Charts, is also collecting as many rupees as possible. You'll find out why in a bit (and yes, it has to do with Tingle). This is my attempt at creating suspense and interest, just like the game designers.
Because of the Octo-related delay, Twink reaches Diamond Steppe Island just as night falls. Diamond Steppe Island, Twink learns from his Strategy Chart, is home to an important non-Triforce Chart. Namely, a Ghost Ship Chart. Spoooooooky. This item will tell Twink where to find the mysterious -- wait for it -- Ghost Ship. Apparently, the ship is on some sort of weird schedule where it appears in different map squares depending on the phase of the moon. Well, it makes more sense than Zora-to-Rito evolution, I guess.
As he approaches the island, Twink notices something translucent on the horizon, surrounded by spoooooooky blue flames. It's...shaped like a ship. And it's rather ghostly, now that Twink thinks about it. Where has he heard about something like that before? Oh!
Indeed, it is the Ghost Ship. Well, fuck that stupid chart then. Twink, keeping his eye on the Ghost Ship's location, stops along the way to talk to the local DickFish. And it's a good thing he does, because that little butthole tells him that he needs the Ghost Ship Chart to keep the ship from disappearing faster than Seymour at an Elderly Showgirl Revue. Damn it.
Fine. In a bit of a huff, Twink sails back to the island to retrieve the dumb chart. Man, he does everything around here. As expected, this task is not simply a matter of walking onto the island and opening a chest. That wouldn't be painful and annoying, and we certainly can't have that. First, Twink has to shoot his moneyshot into a series of trees to navigate the different levels of the island until he reaches a secret cave. At least he gets to enjoy a pretty waterfall along the way. But that just makes him miss Makar and his secret love nest even more. Sigh.
Squeezing his way into the cave's tight opening, Twink drops down into...hey, wait a minute! This is the ship graveyard from Needle Cock Isle! Twink scans the area skeptically, wondering how he managed to warp back there. He realizes after a bit that this is, in fact, a different ship graveyard. There aren't any pots filled with goodies, for one thing. And in their place is a single mystical jar of the type used to warp through dungeons. But if this is a different place, then why, Twink wonders, are the wrecked ships and their positions completely identical to the ones in the other cave? What are the chances of that happening naturally?
Twink will have to ponder this mystery till the end of time, but we know it's just another pathetic example of game designer laziness. Designing a whole new layout cuts into bong time, after all. Setting aside this train of thought, Twink plunges ahead with his hand wrapped firmly around the Strategy Chart. He's fantasizing about beating the game designers to death with it, see.
Unlike the earlier ship graveyard where Twink was restricted to the main area, here he must use a series of mystical jars to warp around the actual ship wreckage. Sometimes he has the choice of more than one jar, making this more complicated than Twink really needs right now. Obviously the game designers can't leave it at that level of difficulty, as they have also sprinkled the entire area with horny Floor Masturbators. Wow, this is going to be awesome.
From past experience, I can confidently state that navigating this puzzle sans strategy guide blows giant Goatse ass. I'm not about to make the same mistake twice. With the guide, Twink only has to slide into four different jars instead of roughly fifteen fuckbillion. The Floor Masturbators still suck, though. Unfortunately, saving all those precious minutes of my life by using the guide means that I have forfeited any possibility of qualifying for the truly 1337 G4m0rz Club. My dream is shattered. Now no one will ever have sex with me.