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"Fire arrows come shooting out of nowhere with that whistling noise that real fire arrows probably don't make, since the guiding feathers on the damned arrows have already burned off. It sounds cool and foreboding, if your idea of cool and foreboding is listening to the noise cheap Fourth of July fireworks make over and over again. It makes me want to take a fire arrow or two to the foley editors."
     -Kelly, Legend of Dragoon Part 1

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Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker : Part 8
By Jeanne
Posted 06.05.05
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6 : 7 : 8
Welcome back to another wangtacular Wind Wanker recap! Last time, I got my revenge on Sam as she finally had to recap something that sucks ass -- the second visit to the Forsaken Fucking Fortress and the ensuing Exposition Enema. Of course it would take a whole lot more than that to make up for me having to recap the swordless jaunt through the Forsaken Fucking Fortress, the NPC Island Talk To Everyone, the Phallus Haven, and the Phallus of the Gods, but I take what I can get.

As you'll remember, Twink was assigned two very essential quests -- to restore power to the Masturbator Sword and to hunt down and reassemble the pieces of the conveniently-hidden Triforce. Though he got a head start on the latter quest from a timely visit to his new Love Shack, he's going to take a break from his assigned duties for a while.

Way, way back in Part 2, Twink met a couple of...interesting individuals. I will clarify, since we only met about five million people in that recap. Specifically, he met a very rich, very gay, very assholish fellow in a fancy house, and a very ugly, very whiny, very poor man hanging around the town entrance. Each of these two diametrically opposed men just happened to have their daughters kidnapped and taken to the FFF in order to make Maryll Sue their prison bitch.

Anyway, Twink is simply dying to see what is going on with these two families now that the pirates have presumably returned the girls. Actually, I think it's stretching things a bit to say that Twink is interested in anything involving girls or even the two jackasses that donated sperm to their production, but just go with it, okay?

Unfortunately, Twink arrives at NPC Island at night after the townsfolk have all gone to bed. Sure, he could wave the Wind Wanker and change that, but maybe he can drop in on Lenzo for a surprise nighttime visit first. On the way to do this, however, Twink notices a blonde girl standing between two buildings. The fact that she's a chick combined with her absolutely horrid rag dress harsh his buzz to the point where he's not in the mood for any bedroom adventures anymore. So what the heck, he might as well talk to her.

As expected, this girl is not exactly performing good deeds out here in the dark. She tells Twink to get the hell away from her. What's he going to do -- style your hair? Jesus. Not needing to be asked twice, Twink starts to walk away. But wait! As soon as he's about ten feet away from the girl, she suddenly takes off running down the hill, toward the entrance of the town. Twink has a bad feeling about this. What if she's intending to raid the secret stash of jewelry he's been storing inside Sean Connery's wooden skull? Twink decides to follow her, just in case.

Unfortunately for me, this is one of those highly irritating "Attempt to Remain Hidden While Fighting the Shitty Camera Angles" chases. The girl periodically stops and looks behind her, since her gaydar is probably pinging like crazy and she can't quite figure out why. Once in a while, she'll almost spot Twink, but he throws her off the scent by meowing. Yeah, I don't know either. Maybe he's had to perfect the sound for some kinky furry lover in the past. God, I love my imagination. And you do, too.

Not one of Twink's favorite activities.

Finally, tricked by the aforementioned shitty camera angles, Twink barges through a stone arch only to come face-to-face with the girl. Aw, God damn it. I mean -- gosh, I'm so glad I get to sneak around again! The first time through the FFF was so fun! I can't get enough of this shit! And look at that -- the girl runs off, meaning I get to try again! Oh happy, happy day! Where's the tylenol?

But of course the girl doesn't simply return to her original spot so that I can start right over. That would just be silly and nonsensical. And we can't have that in this game. Twink has to play the Song of Passing twice, to get to the next night, and then the girl is back to her spot again. See, doesn't that make so much more sense? Especially when she goes through the exact same dialogue with Twink and follows the exact same path on her midnight sneaking mission? Aren't you glad the game designers tried to make this part more realistic?

It's a pretty safe bet he's not here to rape you.

This time, Twink manages not to be a clumsy oaf and eventually corners the girl while she attempts to plunder Eskimo Guy's safe. That's not a sexual euphemism, either. It's probably not the most comforting thing to be surprised by a guy in a Legolas outfit while attempting to pull off a robbery, which would explain why the girl spends the next century freaking out. Finally, she tries to turn the whole thing around on Twink, like he's the jerk. Nuh-uh. Twink don't play that.

Haughtily informing the girl that he is "an ally of justice" -- or ally of justice, as the girl calls it -- Twink watches skeptically as she tries to backpedal her way out of the situation. Since she didn't get into the safe, she's technically not a thief or something. I hope not -- being a thief is bad enough, but a thief is a whole different ballgame.

Wow, an undeserved guilt trip and a chance to hear unnecessary exposition? Sign Twink up!

The girl becomes the first person in this entire game to call Twink on his silent treatment. Well, it's not like he can get a word in edgewise, the way she's got diarrhea of the mouth. In fact, she'd like to take this opportunity to give Twink her entire life story leading up to this aborted safe break-in attempt. Well, that sounds like just a joy to recap, so why not?

To our surprise -- if you pretend we have two brain cells -- the little blonde thief is Mila, the town's resident rich girl and the pink, poofy dress-wearing girl in Maryll Sue's cell. In a shocking twist, her dad -- the aforementioned fat gay guy -- spent all of his money trying to get her rescued. So now they're po' and living in a dirt-floored shack. This means that Mila had to get a -- gasp! -- job working for Eskimo Guy. While I'm sure that isn't the most fulfilling career path in the world (to make a giant understatement), Mila tries to act like she's undergone the worst tragedy in the history of humankind. And of course, she thinks she can use her sob story to "tug at [Twink's] heart strings."

What she doesn't realize is that Twink could tell her a thing or two about tragic circumstances -- he had to fight through a gigantic tree trunk filled with vaginas, he caught his pictographer boyfriend with a woman, and a creepy undead fairy chick in a well wants to have sex with him. And that's just the tip of the homosexual iceberg. Don't even try to sway him with your pathetic little problems, beeyotch.

It turns out that Mila isn't just in the habit of expositing about her life -- she gives out juicy tidbits on the third cellmate, Maggie, as well. In yet another completely shocking and ironic twist, Maggie has gone from dirt po' to positively rolling in cash. NO! How do they come up with this stuff?

Fishing for more sympathy from the ally of justice, Mila wonders if he "understand[s] her plight." Now that I think about it, he kind of does. No, Twink certainly does not go around giving lame sob stories to random people. But he has resorted to thievery many a time in order to afford such luxuries as Orgasm Pears and Pieces of Ass. He even stole from his granny, for crying out loud.

But Twink doesn't want to admit to himself on any level that he might have anything in common with the owner of a vagina. Plus, if he says he does, she might want to have sex with him. And that won't do. So he replies to her in the negative. Giggling, Mila misinterprets this to mean that he literally did not understand her complicated explanation. "It's true... I know I'm quibbling over nothing... But being so poor weakens a person's very soul..." she drama queens. It's such a pity her weak soul and girl arms prevent her from breaking all those rupee-filled pots around town -- she'd probably get more out of those than from Eskimo Guy's shitty safe. But that doesn't matter now -- Mila decides that she's through with her crappy excuses and whining and ready to conquer the lucrative job of selling unnecessary shit to people. "Thanks to you, I didn't have to sink down to the level of a common thief," she tells Twink. Well, I know I'm relieved.

I think that has more to do with being a video game character than your income level.

Uh-oh. To Twink's dismay, it appears that Mila would like to thank him further. That can only mean one thing. "Please take this," Mila says, her hands behind her back -- probably to unbutton her dress. Twink pauses like a deer in headlights, only to find out to his surprise and relief that Mila just wanted to give him an empty bottle. Mila gets all defensive, like the silent Twink just ripped into her with a gigantic guilt trip -- she didn't steal the bottle, she swears. But Twink doesn't really give a shit where she got it -- he's got another bottle for Granny's Special Stew (or fairies if he so pleases), and he didn't have to endure sexual relations with a female. It's a win-win!

Words Twink never wants to hear from a girl.

About twenty dialogue screens later, Mila finally takes her leave. Somehow, Twink is still alive -- I thought he might have been talked to death. I guess after dealing with Sean Connery, he's built up a resistance.

Twink decides he needs some sunlight, so he immediately turns night to day. Unfortunately, he didn't move out of Eskimo Guy's shop before he did so, and Twink finds himself suddenly confronted by that little hooded bitch, freaking out and screaming like Twink just tried to knock him down and forcibly sodomize him. Heh, Eskimo Guy probably thinks Twink is trying to pilfer his safe. Enjoy the irony, folks.

A Black Screen of Teleportation removes Twink from the shop so that he can continue his fascinating island adventures. Namely, hunting down Mila's dad -- now hanging out at the Town Pov Tree. He doesn't look so fabulous dressed in those shitty rags and that patched hat, but that doesn't mean his attitude's improved much. Twink, still harboring bitter memories of being forced to pay for this jerk's self-repairing vases, is further angered when Queeny McFatass bitches him out for not saving Mila like he promised.

'Don't you remember? That secret bathhouse behind the Chu Jelly shop?'

Twink somehow manages to refrain from pointing out how he was, in fact, responsible for breaking into the room where Mila was held, which certainly helped the process along. He also manages to keep himself from informing just what this guy can do with his attitude and which body part he can do it to. Instead, he just sits there and listens to Mr. McFatass tell his life story. Twink is storing up a lot of rage in his heart.

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