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  -Part 1 :: [08.21.03]
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  -Part 5 :: [12.24.04]
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"To his extreme dismay and despair, Ruto responds, 'My mother gave it to me and said I should give it only to the man who will be my husband. You might call it the Zora's Engagement Ring!' Oh, fuck no."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 3




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Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker : Part 5
By Sam
Posted 12.24.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
Fairyman, Gotham City needs you!
 

The second bench is the one "with the seaside view," GBA!Tingle says. That one's easy enough to find, since it's in plain damn sight, as is the third, which is the only other bench in town, near Mrs. Seymour's underage love nest. This has been so ridiculously easy so far I almost fell asleep in front of the TV, but Josh keeps it interesting by distracting Twink with the blue-green Tingle Signal (each time he does, Tingle lets out a terrifying Jerry Lewis-esque "Heeeeeey!") and using up all Twink's Rupees on Tingle Bombs. And when I say he's keeping it interesting, I mean I keep having to yell at him to quit wasting my hard-earned fucking money. Those bombs are 20 Rupees per, people. Twink is not made of Rupees. Though an outfit made entirely of Rupees? How blingin' would that be?

Speaking of expensive Tingle Bombs, Twink's final task is to run over to the entrance of the jail which Tingle previously occupied. Once Twink is at the door, GBA!Tingle takes his revenge on the drab, dreary place and hucks a bomb at it. And Twink almost gets blown up in the process, because I stand there right next to the bomb like an idiot, until Josh yells "MOVE!" half a second before it goes off. Yeah, I tend to zone out while I play videogames. What of it?

And thus does Twink pass Tingle's Tuner Training. Without a backward glance, Twink jumps aboard Sean Connery and immediately sails for Outset Island. I would dawdle as is my usual wont, but Josh keeps giving me this "I want to go back to World of Warcraft" glare and looking pointedly at the clock. Apparently every minute he spends playing Tingle is a minute he could be using to get up to level 40.

So a night's worth of sailing later, Twink is back on Outset. Already Sean's talk about Twink saying his goodbyes is looking really stupid. Twink again whips out the Tingle Tuner and calls Tingle to his side. As soon as GBA!Tingle shows up he communicates to Josh that he's found Knuckle, aka Periwinkle Tingle, hiding out on the island. But Periwinkle Tingle would rather poke every pig on the island than go back to Tingle's Tower of Evil. I can't say I blame the guy.

Before Periwinkle Tingle will even consider showing his face, he insists on testing Twink to see if...I don't even know. This whole outing just confuses me. I'm only doing it so Twink can have his scary quadruplet afternoon delight, after all. So, the tests. They're even harder than the ones Tingle administered on NPC Island. I know, I know--how is that even possible? Anyway, according to Josh, for the first test, Periwinkle Tingle wants to see Twink get all wet, and so asks him to get into the outdoor bath. Oh, yes, sir. Twink splashes around in the bath behind Granny's house to Periwinkle Tingle's satisfaction, until he receives instructions from PT to "go down the ladder that no one uses." Twink briefly wonders if there's some lesbian bar on the island only accessible by ladder, but then he remembers the tiny ladder on the dock near the Maryll Sue's Lookout. As he goes down the ladder into the water to Knuckle's squeaky delight, Josh observes that to any outside observers on the island, Twink probably looks like a total weirdo, randomly standing in the bathtub and meticulously climbing down a ladder. Of course, given who lives on Outset, who are any of them to judge Twink?

Finally, Knuckle asks, "Next, can you climb onto the biggest rock at the top of the hill?" This is easy, as Twink is all about big rocks. Once he's on his rocky perch, Knuckle adds that he'd like Twink to leap off the (now broken) bridge and land on a rock down below. GBA!Tingle suggests that perhaps Twink should use the Deku Shit for this. Well, isn't that a wonderful idea. Unfortunately, upon looking around as best I can, I can't see what fucking rock I'm supposed to land on. So hoping it'll be obvious once Twink's in the air, I launch our hero skyward with the wind.

Okay, so Tingle's suggestion? Not all that great. I immediately notice an outcropping of rock just below the face of the cliff that I was no doubt supposed to land on, simply by walking off the bridge. So thanks to Tingle, Twink ends up landing less-than-gracefully in the water, swimming to shore, and walking up to the cliffs all over again. I'm totally happy about this, obviously. Five minutes later, Twink is standing on the right rock, and PT realizes that his amazingly difficult tests weren't enough to stop the mighty Twink. He reluctantly consents to return to Tingle Island, and Tingle says that PT is all too happy to "assist" Twink and just be his bestest friend. He even gives Twink the "Hand-Me-Down Tuner," which allows Twink to buy arrows and bombs anywhere on the Great Sea, thus circumventing Big Gay Beedle's big gay monopoly, even if only a little bit.

 
This recap's second contender for Gayest Screencap Ever.

Fast forward a few minutes, and Twink is now standing in the shadow of the Tingle Penis. It's here that PT has settled down--he's sitting gaily in the flowers and the grass, happily ignorant of the slave labor of his brothers upstairs. He does seem to genuinely like Twink, and has even decided that living on Tingle Island isn't so bad. Well, yeah, it's not when you get to lie around all day and not manually operate the Tingle Penis Head. Upstairs, White Tingle loudly bitches about Periwinkle Tingle not doing any work, and it turns out that he's down there in an effort to keep the Tingle Penis from becoming the victim of graffiti writers. "But who would even bother vandalizing this place?" White Tingle asks. Well, good question.

Who would bother vandalizing the Tingle Penis?
Man-hating, penis-fearing lesbians
The Great Sea's other chapter of NAMBLA
White Tingle and Pink Tingle, to get revenge on their evil slave master
Jeanne and Sam, as revenge for psychological trauma

 

As he sails away from the unholy monolith, Twink remembers that flyer about a big sale on cool items on Rock Spire Island, which happens to be immediately west of here. Our boy is always up for a little shopping spree! So Twink sails west until he reaches an outcropping of--prepare for a shock--rock spires. And sure enough, making a lap around the island is Big Gay Beedle's Big Gay Boat Ride.

 
Penis!

But Twink is in for a surprise when he jumps aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride--it's not Big Gay Beedle at all! Well, it's hard to say for sure. If it is Big Gay Beedle, then this is the black sheep of the BGB family. Rather than show his handsome tanned features and lovely, curly brown tresses to the world, he hides them under a humongous, bronze, Trojan helmet. Big Trojan Beedle does, however, engage in the family practice of shouting "OHHHHH!!!!" and "THAAAAAANK YOU!" and "BYEEEEE!!" just like his brethren. And he has good reason for the orgasmic screaming: he could buy a lifetime supply of porn with the money he's asking of Twink. Between the Piece of Ass, the treasure chart, and the empty bottle for sale, he wants a combined 2350 Rupees. I don't think I have to tell you that that is a shit-ton of fucking Rupees. And to make matters worse, Big Trojan Beedle informs Twink that he will be closing his shop in just seven days. Giving Twink and I a very short amount of time to get rich quick. Hopefully Jeanne will be smart and just not talk to Big Trojan Beedle until she has the money to buy the stuff, instead of blindly screwing herself over like I just did.

Unfortunately, I'm a sad completionist of a gamer, and I'll feel totally empty inside if Twink has to go without any of this stuff. I won't bore you with the details of my untaped hour and a half spent collecting this obscene amount of money, because frankly, it is boring. It's mostly our lad using his accumulated charts to dredge up silver Rupees (200 Rupees per), killing Big Octos for cash, and selling his precious but unneeded fashion accessories to other Big Gay Beedles. There might also be some undisclosed paid services in the bathroom stalls and rest stops of the Great Sea. Lenzo was a very happy customer.

So now that Twink is one empty bottle, Piece of Ass and treasure chart richer--with 14 Rupees remaining in his wallet--it's finally time to get on with the plot. Sean has been waiting pretty patiently this whole time for Twink to complete his inane sidequests, and only shouted "Buckfutter!" in irritation at him two or three times.

As Sean indicates on the chart, the three stations for the three pearls are on islands roughly in the middle of the sea, in a sort of triangle formation. The first one Twink visits, south of NPC Island, is a triangle-shaped place creatively-named Northern Triangle Isle. It has a rather bad Octo infestation, but Twink perserveres and manages to climb onto the tiny rock, where he finds the creepiest statue ever. Well, unless we're counting the Tingle Penis as a statue, because nothing can compete with that thing. Nonetheless, it's a pretty freaky piece of work. It looks like a hairless troll doll with gaping, black dead eyes. Eeek. Twink places Din's Pearl in its arms, which makes the statue's eyes glow freakily, and then he gets the hell out of there before the thing steals his breath.

'It is mine...my precioussss....and we wantssss it!'
 

Next stop is another genius innovation by the game designers, Southern Triangle Isle. Anyone else noticing a pattern here? Twink repeats the process, this time with Nayru's Blue Ball. He hates giving up these fabulous pieces of jewelry, but in the long run, I suppose saving his sister and defeating Ganon have to take priority over his quest for glamour. Siiiiiiigh.

Incidentally, this place is surrounded by Seahats, large and terrifying saltwater versions of Peahats. I'm getting the distinct impression that the forces of evil don't want me going near these triangular islands. Nah, it must just be me.

 
I'll swallow your soul, I'll swallow your soul!

The final stop on the tour is northeast of here at--you might want to sit down--Eastern Triangle Isle. Three triangles that form a triangle. Hmm, for some odd reason, this is striking a familiar chord. Anyhoo, when Twink sets Farore's Pearl in the arms of the last creepy statue (this island, by the by, is surrounded by whirlwinds, so we remember that Farore = Wind), some very strange shit goes down.

Like the other two statues, the creepy Farore statue sits there, glowing with its theme color and making odd humming noises. But the glowing and humming reach a crescendo, causing Twink to flip out and run away from it like a pansy. There's this comical moment when the statue doesn't do anything, and then right when Twink climbs back up to look at it, the statue explodes two inches from his face. Screaming like a girl with earwigs in her hair, Twink is launched into the air away from the statue, which now is a pretty green and is shaped like a pre-teen girl. A beam of light from Farore's Pearl streaks across the sea and hits the creepy Nayru statue, which also blows up and turns into a cute girl. Ditto the Din statue. I'm now thinking that Mrs. Seymour must be much more important to the story than I gave her credit for, because obviously she designed these statues.

All three little girl statues are now connected by beams of light from their respective pearls. This forms a large triangle of light in the middle of the ocean. And in the middle of that triangle glows the Triforce. Triforce...triangles! I get it!

The Triforce symbol spins prettily in the water until something starts rumbling beneath the ocean's surface. And out of the Triforce comes...well, let's see, keeping with the themes in this game, it's either going to be another Triforce of some kind, or it's going to be a big penis. What do you guys think it is?

The penis wins out. A gigantic phallic structure rises out of the water, a mass of penisy gray slate covered with runic lettering. Twink, who has been flying through the air all this time, smacks amusingly face-first into the side of the penis, which, painful as it might have been, was undoubtedly a pleasurable experience for him. Sean Connery floats on over to pick up Twink, and together they stare in awe at the manly structure. The shaft itself is surrounded by a larger round alcove, giving the penis the supportive testicles it needed to complete the imagery.

And you guys think we're imagining things.
 

Sean explains to Twink: "This tower, which the pearls of the gods have caused to appear, is a place that the gods of the ancient world prepared so that they might test the courage of men." So the pearls of the gods made this giant penis erect itself out of the water? It's like a do-it-yourself bukkake joke. I won't even touch that "test the courage of men" bit. This game just lays it all out there for me.

Sean elaborates that if Twink can brave this intimidating place, then the gods will recognize him as a "true hero." And he needs that certification if he wants the "power to destroy the great evil." Sean pumps up Twink by reminding him of all that he's gone through to get to this point, and how he must "believe in [his] own courage." Twink nods, staring up at the Phallus of the Gods with excitement, anticipation and fear--but mostly lust.

And that's where this recap will end, because I so love leaving Jeanne to recap long and irritating dungeons. So in the next recap, Twink will brave the Phallus, with only his cunning and a bunch of weapons to protect him. There might also be a couple hours' worth of exposition. Just warning you in advance. And I'll be back for part seven, hopefully recovered from my fatal overdose of Tingle. Adios!

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