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  -XS Main
  -Part 1 :: [07.21.03]
  -Part 2 :: [08.06.03]
  -Part 3 :: [11.22.03]
  -Part 4 :: [02.10.04]
  -Part 5 :: [07.14.04]
  -Part 6 :: [08.05.04]
  -Part 7 :: [10.12.04]
  -Part 8 :: [01.23.05]
  -Part 9 :: [05.24.05]
  -Part 10 :: [01.20.06]
  -Part 11 :: [10.12.07]
  -Part 12 :: [06.30.11]
  -Part 13 :: [02.17.12]


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"Still grinning like Gremio in the McDohl bathhouse, Fabo adds, 'But I was attacked by the evil Ganondorf...and this is what happened to me.' Seriously, the smile does not leave his face. Did he enjoy Ganondorf violating him? Does the Dicku Tree know about this?"
     -Sam, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 9




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Xenosaga : Part 3
By Sam
Posted 11.22.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Before we begin the recap, I have a fun anecdote to share. Recently, I learned about the Ainu (the indigenous people of Japan) in Japanese Culture class. I learned that Ainu babies are given temporary "baby" names at birth, which are usually related to baby-type things, and then they get real, permanent names later. One of the baby names cited was "Shion." Guess what it means. Guess. You'll never guess. Okay, I'll tell you: it means--get this--"old excrement." So it is possible (though unlikely) that Shion is named after dried-up baby shit. The Ainu are officially the coolest people ever.

So. In the last hour, Shion strutted around the Hoglinde, talked to people, pouted, and generally made me want to throttle her. Now, after a long, exhausting day of being stupid, it's time for Shion to return to her well-publicized personal quarters and relax.

On her way off the bridge, she receives yet another email from Miyuki, this one with an attachment. The attachment contains a program named Sprinkle, which is meant to help with the "ultimate weapon" Miyuki mentioned before. I'm not required to do anything--I don't even have to download the attachment myself--and it's not really very important, so just forget I brought it up at all. You know, like most of the details in this game. Two seconds later, after a ride in the bridge elevator, Shion is paged and asked to report to the A.G.W.S. hangar, where a package--presumably her vewy speshul custom weapon--is waiting for her. Is it just me, or does it seem like everything that happens aboard the Hoglinde revolves around Binty McMoron here? Every time I blink, it seems like five more people have queued up for her assistance, for whatever misguided reasons. "Shiiiiion, answer your email! Shiiiiion, come pick up a package! Shiiiiion, report to the bridge! Shiiiiion, I'm drunk and horny!" Did I make up that last one or not? You decide.

Shion backtracks from the bridge to the A.G.W.S. hangar to receive her space-mail. I would sooner just skip the whole thing and have her go to bed, because I'm sick of this damn ship, and also, a defenseless, easy-to-kill Shion is a good Shion. But as I'm sure you're aware, I have to go get her damn weapon. And I have to do a lot more running around the ship. And I have to keep Shion alive. God, I'm depressed now. But I'll press on, just for you guys. Anyway, Shion receives the deus ex machina M.W.S. from the parcels guy at the hangar. "So this is what Miyuki's email was about," Shion figures, because the email was so fucking cryptic. "Hmph, I guess she still intends to use me as her guinea pig." Do I even have to say it? I do? Okay, fine: SHUT UP, SHION.

 
Ah. So Corey's pimpin' her.

In agonizing leggy slow motion--or so it seems--Shion runs through the corridors back to her room. (With a couple of emails to answer along the way, of course.) As soon as she gets there, however, we cut to a dark room. A voice menacingly says, "...That was a grave mistake, [Jerkinov]. I believe I already warned you about the dangers of the Zohar." Commander Jerkinov is very apologetic for whatever it was he did wrong concerning the Zohar, whatever the hell that is. "You should have been more careful while retrieving it," the voice clarifies, so now we know "Zohar" is probably the real name for the Golden Penis Plate. Come on, "Zohar" doesn't sound nearly phallic enough. Jerkinov voices his regret for the casualties involved with wrangling in the GPP, but this guy is unconcerned with that. The problem, he says, is that the people who died disappeared while touching the GPP. Oh, that makes sense...wait. No, it doesn't. He doesn't explain why the disappearances, per se, are a problem--he just scolds Jerkinov for making him "move the plan up two phases." There's some technobabble, the gist of which is that the guvment is on its way, and they are after the GPP. Hey, everybody wants the GPP. It's so sparkly and masculine! Jerkinov wigs out, because not only is the Man coming to take away his fun toy, but the Gnosis are on their way, too. Oh. They are? I had no idea. No foreshadowing about it or anything.

"Fortunately for you, your ship is carrying that weapon," Sinister Voice Guy surmises. "I don't know what Vector's up to, but take advantage of the situation if you can..." Well, it shouldn't be too hard to take advantage of Shion. ...I so did not just say that. Further, we now know Jerkinov's real reasons for being so pissed off about the lack of progress on KOS-MOS, as he whines, "They haven't even started field testing it yet!" Sinister Guy is all, "So what? Just use it anyway, dildo," and that's the end of the conversation. Jerkinov is shaking in his little space boots over the whole Gnosis thing, and so desperately cries out "Commander Margulis!" That is not a name to cry out with any kind of passion or emotion. It sounds wrong.

And now we're back to Shion. I can barely contain my joy. Even better, the first thing we get to see is Shion pacing her room--or, rather, her legs pacing the room. God. She's in the middle of telling someone via videophone or something that she's too busy to come visit him. The person on the phone nags her for never coming home. "You could at least come home for our parents' memorial," he guilts. This must be Shion's brother, Jin Uzuki. He's very pretty, but inexplicably the "camera" chooses to ignore this and keep focusing on Shion's thighs. She responds, "Why are you trying to resurrect obscure ancient rituals?" because apparently honoring her dead parents is such a hassle. Then, Shion spins back toward the transmission screen and says, "Wait a minute, you've been reading those weird old books again, haven't you? I swear, you're so obsessed with those precious books of yours!" She says the word "books" like it's contagious. Skank. Jin glowers at her through space, and replies, "How many times must I tell you not to quibble about my way of life." Way of life? I wasn't aware that reading books was a lifestyle choice. Then again, maybe we're talking about something else--Jin has a definite effeminate air.

Shion, sounding way too much like my mom when discussing what I like to do in my free time, snits, "All that stuff's just a stupid old hobby for you." Seriously, what self-respecting smart person disapproves of reading books? Oh, I forgot--Shion's a fucking idiot. Good thing she's constantly here to remind me. Shion continues in this vein: "Just remember--don't expect me to take you in when you're old, senile and all alone." Okay, and he won't take you in when Vector fires your stupid ass for gross incompetence and endangering your coworkers. Deal? Deal.

"That's terribly rude of you, Shion," Jin lisps. Why are all the fine ones gay? Sigh. He makes her promise to come home sometime soon, because he's all alone. Jeez, he must be living in a cave post-apocalypse, if he's desperate enough to want her around. As Shion puts her goofy little coat on a hanger, she's all, "Yeah yeah, gotta go love you bye!" and hangs up on him. What a bitch. I wouldn't want her to come home. Unless I could rig up a walk-in meat grinder behind the front door.

Feelings of Shion's that Jin didn't consider:
"I like kitties! They're fuzzy!"
"My hair is GREAT today!"
"I didn't get KOS-MOS' breast upgrade approved, and I am sad."
"My mouth, ass and thighs sure are sore!"

 

Once she's alone, Shion sits down on her bed, all ready and raring for a quality wankst session. She leans back, thrusting her rack toward the camera, and says, "Honestly...I wish he'd consider my feelings for a change..." What. Goddamn. Feelings. I guess Jin must have offended Shion's all-important "ME ME MEEEEEEEEE!!!" sensibility. Now where did I put that tiny violin? It's so easy to misplace.

Finally, after reflecting for another moment or two on what a big dumb-dumb-meanie-poo-head Jin is, it's time for Shion to go to sleep. Before removing her glasses and lying down, she randomly gazes at a crystal necklace clasped in her hand. "Good night," she says, seemingly to the necklace, setting off my Deep Significance Radar. Damn thing has been pinging for hours.

Shion's Dream!Vision. We're back in that same black-and-white graveyard vision from before. Red is still there, but this time Shion is the one talking to her, also sans audio and subtitles. Hey, I'm not complaining. Red gestures to the area behind Shion, not to the Grayscale Penis Plate but to a shadowy figure emerging from the mist. The person is thin and is obviously wearing '80s-style shoulder pads. And...I can't quite see it, but I also suspect this person has a giant and offensive wang. Just a hunch. Shion stares in wonder--maybe she can see the wang?--and we leave the dream. Back in the real world, Shion is tossing and turning, with a tortured expression on her face that I can only associate with girls in tentacle-rape anime. There's a soft yellow glow emitting offscreen, and we soon see that Glowy!Red is watching over the sleeping Shion. What I wouldn't give for Red to suddenly turn into the villain of a bad slasher movie right now. It's such a perfect opportunity! Red ignores my wishes and instead turns to look out the large bay window into space.

 
Kill. Me. Please.

Instead of showing us what the hell she's looking at, we cut to the dark, empty corridors of the Hoglinde. There's another shot of the Golden Penis Plate, hovering in the darkened cargo bay. I realize it's supposed to be "nighttime" on the ship, but I have a hard time believing that there's no one walking around--hell, there aren't even people guarding the GPP, despite all that exposition we got earlier concerning the tension it was causing among the crew members. Way to follow through on your plot points, guys.

As if to render all my complaining useless, the scene cuts to the Vector lab, where there are a few people still working and otherwise moving about. Ominous zoom-in on the Big Black Phallus, for some reason--it couldn't be that Gnosis are going to attack and KOS-MOS will be a part of the coming events. Because that would be too predictable. Corey enters the room with a cup o' joe. "What the...?" he says. "You're all still here?" Apparently it IS unusual that the Vector employees--or anyone else, for that matter--would be working at this hour. What-the-hell-EVER.

Here, let me help: IT'S SHION!!!
 

The Unitards tell Corey that they're still working in order to figure out what went wrong in the testing procedures today. Two words: human error. Leggy human error. Corey, however, has other things on his mind; that is, besides getting to second base with Shion. He just had a little chat with high-strung Commander Jerkinov, who decided to continue venting about Shion and KOS-MOS to the nearest relevant person. Poor Corey. He, predictably, isn't too upset about what happened to him, as "it isn't right to have the Chief taking all the heat..." I don't see why not--after all, she is the one that's fucking up everything she can get her hands on. As there's a second shot of KOS-MOS' Home Sweet Penis, Corey mutters, "Still...I wonder why [Jerkinov] seemed so nervous..." We. Get. It. Really.

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