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  -XS Main
  -Part 1 :: [07.21.03]
  -Part 2 :: [08.06.03]
  -Part 3 :: [11.22.03]
  -Part 4 :: [02.10.04]
  -Part 5 :: [07.14.04]
  -Part 6 :: [08.05.04]
  -Part 7 :: [10.12.04]
  -Part 8 :: [01.23.05]
  -Part 9 :: [05.24.05]
  -Part 10 :: [01.20.06]
  -Part 11 :: [10.12.07]
  -Part 12 :: [06.30.11]
  -Part 13 :: [02.17.12]


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"At least the chest bestows upon Twink some ass. The Comp-Ass, that is. The omnipresent Sean Connery/King Daphnes can barely contain himself at this new development. Speaking through the Emerald of Assitude, he informs Twink that Medli's location will now appear on the map, thanks to the Comp-Ass. Is there anything it can't do? Also, does Sean/King Daphnes spy on Twink in the shower?"
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 8




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Xenosaga : Part 1
By Sam
Posted 07.21.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Corey informs Shion of the change to the enemy set, so she doesn't stupidly walk right into a deadly Gnosis, not knowing they're there. That would make me happy, but again, Corey wants her sweet candy, so it's not in his best interests to let her croak. He also tells her that the rotating Mini Penis Plate behind her is a save point, because Shion doesn't know that, either. One might come to the conclusion that I'm the stupid one and this is all for my benefit, but I prefer to think that Shion knows absolutely nothing about her own project and technology. She will prove me right, too, again and again and again.

I won't bore you with further details of my bumbling through this place. Just know that after dealing with several dead ends and having to climb more ladders (God hates me), Shion eventually recovers the Mission Key. Back to the red box. Once Shion and KOS-MOS reach it, it is replaced with a giant Gnosis that looks like its fingers were designed after Seymour's POONTY WANG. But before they--well, KOS-MOS--can get to the ass-whoopin', something goes wrong, a first in this type of situation. Red warning lights start flashing all over the lab and inside Encephalon, and KOS-MOS, for some reason, goes all twitchy. A blue-haired Unitard is wanking about some new network forming inside KOS-MOS' mainframe. That sounds dirty. Shion, who can see the lights and hear the sirens, calmly tells Corey to make sure he gets all the data from the battle. He, not so calmly, tells her (duh!) that engaging the enemy right now is a Really Fucking Stupid Idea. Shion isn't worried, because she's retarded. The boss battle begins.

Actually, the battle is mysteriously easy, between KOS-MOS and Shion's A.G.W.S. The POONTY!Gnosis goes down in about two turns. However, Shion's plan is to fight the thing again, after using something called the Hilbert Effect. This, as I'm sure you could guess, does not help the current situation. Corey, who is in the middle of a coronary over the whole thing, yells at Shion to get out of there. She, of course, completely ignores him. The Unitards attempt to shut down from the lab, but Shion has locked them out of the system so they can't interfere. Hey, I'm not going to complain if this gets her killed (guess what--it doesn't) but how fucking stupid is she? It's not like she's in there trying to dismantle a bomb. She's risking her life for research data. Stupid bint. Corey swears and hurriedly puts on a red visor.

Inside Encephalon, the POONTY!Gnosis is flailing around and glowing yellow, apparently about to blow. Shion, even astounding me with her lack of common sense, walks toward it with a curious look on her face. Please, let it explode and kill her. PLEASE. She stares hard at it, and suddenly she sees a little redhead girl emerge from the glowing Gnosis body. Yes, you read that correctly. Shion and Red stare each other down for several moments. Encephalon is going whacko. More staring. Then, at the last minute, that goddamned Corey jumps through a rip in the cyber-continuum and drags Shion's benighted ass out of there. Stupid Corey. Couldn't he have left her in there, for the good of the universe?

Most frustratingly illogical part of the game so far?
"Genius Girl" Shion's rank stupidity
The need for KOS-MOS, a battle droid, to have nice boobs and legs
WHY all the penises?!

 

In the lab, Corey runs over to the VR-2000 to check on Shion. She stumbles out of it, blinking innocently, like she just woke up from a long nap. God, how I hate her. Once he sees that Shion's all right, Corey collapses to the floor like the big weiner he is. "You can't...keep doing this, Chief," he wanks. "I thought I was going to have a heart attack." He's being perfectly reasonable in not wanting Shion to be such a dipshit, I admit, but it's all in his presentation. He could say something straightforward like "I like cake" and still make it sound like a pissant complaint. Shion apologizes (unconvincingly) but assures him that they got some good data. Jesus save me. "Besides..." she trails off, thinking of Miss Red, but doesn't say anything more, thank goodness. She's annoying and clueless enough, without everyone worrying about her sanity because she's seeing things.

Corey and Shion exposit that they're due to present their findings soon to the ship's Captain. They're interrupted by a voice over the intercom informing them they're about to exit hyperspace. From the Space!Cam, we see the large ship and its company of penises move into normal space. On the bridge of one of the ships (presumably the bigg'un) there's a variety of technobabble regarding their destination and speed. A man with black hair and a mustache, who appears to be the Captain, seems happy to be on his way home. He addresses the Commander, who is also relieved to be returning. I'm not going to play stupid about the Commander's name, as we won't even hear it until the next hour, and I'd like to introduce him now--he's Commander Andrew Cherenkov. Names that end in "ov" present quite the temptation for a bad joke, and God knows I'm not above such things. So from now on he'll be Commander Handrew Jerkinov. ("Handrew" is tm Josh.)

A young woman below the Captain's station expresses her confidence in their safe voyage home, since "this asteroid field [the ship is] in is perfect for hiding the fleet from them." The identity of "them" is, for now, a mystery. Jerkinov scoffs contemptuously at the woman. "So Pollyanna thinks those asteroids are going to protect us," he smart-asses. I'm not sure if the woman's real name is Pollyanna, or if he's just addressing her with a goofy name to make her feel inferior. Either way, it's her name now. Pollyanna apologizes for no reason, but she's a woman so of course she's sorry. The Captain chastises Jerkinov for being bitchy, but a young man from the other side of the bridge speaks up, defending the Commander, as everyone's been on edge since they picked up that "object." Ah yes, the Golden Penis Plate. I've missed its Penisy goodness! The younger crew members get agitated at the mention of the GPP, and ask to be filled in on what it's supposed to be and what they're supposed to be doing with it. Another woman, who I'll call Pollyanna #2, exposits of their mission: to check out the "vanished planet" and to "assist the researchers." Vanished planet, huh? I wish Shion had been on it. But now that there's a giant phallic symbol on board, it seems like their objectives have changed. The Captain apparently has no more information about it than they or we do, and he says so. But he does have two tidbits of interest: one, that "they" (still don't know who is meant by that) are after the GPP too; and two, that its retrieval and return (because it's golden and long and hard) take "top priority." Pollyanna #2 asks what that means, giving Jerkinov the verbal cue to say his wanktastic melodramatic line: "What it means is, over our very lives." He even clutches his hand to his heart as he says this. Gag me.

The Captain tells Jerkinov not to scare the girlies. He reassures everyone that it's simply a Penis of Great Importance, so it's important to keep it safe. The male crew member does his best job of sucking up, telling the Captain that his words make perfect sense, blah blah. "Besides, if there's an emergency, we've got the trump card to fall back on." Smithers and the two Pollyannas talk with mild derision about the "trump card," which is revealed to be KOS-MOS and her giant...guns. Jerkinov doesn't think much of relying on this HAWT HAWT android girl, either. But the Captain is curious about how Shion's research team is progressing, so he orders Smithers to have Shion come up to the bridge for a report. The crew members laugh about it, as they've heard about how behind-schedule the KOS-MOS Project is. But apparently they had "casualties" during their last major test two years ago, so it's no wonder they're going slowly. I'm guessing their less-than-speedy research is more due to Shion's gross incompetence as a project leader. But as you no doubt have figured out, I don't like Shion very much. They chat some more about androids in general, until Jerkinov comes over to say, "They say ignorance is bliss...looks like they were right." Um, what the hell is he talking about? "I'm just envious, that's all," he elaborates, except I still don't know what the hell he's talking about. Oh well, I'd better get used to that feeling.

 
There is 50 HOURS' WORTH of dialogue like this.

Shion's lab. She's just communicated with Smithers and has agreed to go up to the bridge. Corey's a bit worried about the readiness of their data, but he's always worried about something. Shion, meanwhile, walks over to the Big Black Phallus and examines it lovingly. No joke. A second blue-haired Unitard approaches her (cautiously, as not to threaten her phallus) with a question. It seems that the Captain is expecting actual field data for KOS-MOS, and not a bunch of simulations. Shion admits she's not being too forthright, but "if it were up to me, I'd keep her here...safe in her dream world forever." That's right--KOS-MOS sleeps in the Big Black Phallus. Poor dear. Blue Hair Unitard #2 wants to know what reason there is to keep KOS-MOS asleep: "I can't wait to see KOS-MOS up and completely functional." Well, of course you can't--you're a man. Shion's all uncomfortable about these difficult questions that hurt her widdle bwain, so Corey calls the guy off, smacking him on the ass. Again, not a joke. Why the game designers decided to include a random male-to-male spanking is beyond me. Shion collects her various data and gets ready to go to the bridge.

But before she can leave, Corey wants to know what she thought of her A.G.W.S. and her weapon, the M.W.S. Oh my God, how could I have gone through this whole recap without bring that up? A grave oversight on my part, and I apologize for it. Shion's weapon inside Encephalon is, essentially, a large chunk of red metal and used pinball machine parts. It attaches to her arm, and looks extremely heavy, but Shion wields it with no hint of discomfort, and lets it hang easily at her side between turns, even though it should by all rights drag the left side of her body to the ground. It can spit laser beams, fire, lightning and a host of other things on command. Furthermore, it conveniently disappears at the end of every battle. As far as battle weapons go, it's quite the deus ex machina. Anyhoo, Corey seems excited about it, and Shion thinks it "feels right." She would. Corey mentions a girl named Miyuki being involved in the weapon's development. "I'm sure she's up to something again." Thus begins many, many hours of Shion and Corey ripping into poor, defenseless Miyuki. Smacktards. Later Shion will get a real version of the M.W.S. that she will use in real, live battle, which means all of the inconsistencies surrounding it won't have the excuse of being part of the non-reality of cyberspace. But, as nothing else in this game is plausible or explicable, there's no reason for this to make sense, either.

Shion asks about the real model of the Boom Stick from Encephalon as well, and whines about getting too much stuff to research and test just because of the applications to the KOS-MOS Project. My heart bleeds for Shion, getting all this cool shit for free.

It's finally time for Shion to report to the Captain, but this recap is at an end, so she can make an ass of herself in front of her superiors next time. Speaking of next time, it's a whole lot of Shion exploring the ship and talking to people. You can hardly wait. We'll also meet some Realians, Who Are People with Feelings Too, You Know.

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