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  -XS Main
  -Part 1 :: [07.21.03]
  -Part 2 :: [08.06.03]
  -Part 3 :: [11.22.03]
  -Part 4 :: [02.10.04]
  -Part 5 :: [07.14.04]
  -Part 6 :: [08.05.04]
  -Part 7 :: [10.12.04]
  -Part 8 :: [01.23.05]
  -Part 9 :: [05.24.05]
  -Part 10 :: [01.20.06]
  -Part 11 :: [10.12.07]
  -Part 12 :: [06.30.11]
  -Part 13 :: [02.17.12]


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"PUGGY!!! doesn't need some lazy deadbeat boyfriend sitting around waiting for presents and nookie while PUGGY!!!'s out doing important Lubrication Army stuff. Still, PUGGY!!! experiences a twinge of temptation when Georges invites him to play a game. 'If you beat me, I'll join you,' he winks. PUGGY!!!'s eyes go wide -- is he talking about S&M?"
     -Jeanne, Suikoden Part 10




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Xenosaga : Part 6
By Sam
Posted 08.05.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
In the last agonizing fun-filled recap, we met Ziggy (Stardust), a sexy Aryan cyborg with a shiny metal ass, and MOMO, a little Realian girl whose name may or may not mean "peach." I'm really not sure on that one. They escaped MOMO's asteroid prison (called Pleroma, for the record), with the U-GEE Organization expositing hot on their trail. Unfortunately, they're skipping out on us while we check back in on Shion and the sorry souls in her company aboard the Elsa.

Everybody, save one person and one android, is chillin' in the galley of the ship. A jaunty little generic piano tune is playing, which lulls me into thinking I'm playing Sims and not Xenosaga. Oh, if only. Shion's shrill voice cuts across the music: "C'mon everybody, let's eat!" Oh, no. Oh, HELL no.

As everyone digs into--God help me--Shion's home cooking, our "heroine" leers at the men around her, head jerking around like a velociraptor in heat. "Well? Not bad, huh?" The men who have been most obvious about wanting to land Shion in the sack, Corey and Tony, immediately sing the praises of her culinary skills. "Oh, come on!" Captain Matthews grunts at Tony, head bent over his plate. "How can this girl's cooking be any good?" CHAOS!!!, his wang mercifully hiding under the table, points out that the Captain is inhaling his serving. Matthews bangs his glass on the table and tells CHAOS!!! to shut the fuck up already. See, if I were a dumbass Shion fanperson, this is where I would point angrily at Captain Matthews and call him a hypocrite, because he's obviously a sexist jerk, and he doesn't like Shion only because he's threatened by her gender. If you don't believe me, I'll quote his profile in the Bradygames guide: "Unfortunately Matthews has an old-world opinion of females in general, and so he is quite unprepared for the intelligence of Shion and the ruthlessness of KOS-MOS." So it's now not enough that Shion is a genius, a babe, a kind, unfettered soul, a martial arts expert (that one's a bonus from the keyword database!) and a master chef. She has to be a fucking feminist icon, too.

Hate. Everyone.

Anyway, it's clear that Matthews is covering up his real love of Shion's food because he has to keep his asshole façade. It couldn't be that he's simply starving and would eat a rotting wildebeest if one were sitting in front of him. Sexist!Matthews roars "Water!" and Shion obliges immediately, so the fanboys can see that she's also submissive and hug their body pillows in glee. CHAOS!!! looks across the table at her and says, "You do quite a lot," because the act of cooking one meal and pouring water into a cup makes Shion some kind of Space!Wonder Woman. Whatever. Shion fakes modesty and tells CHAOS!!! that being Susie Homemaker is her MO at home. "I have my no-good brother to thank for that," she adds, because she hasn't slammed on Jin yet today. "He doesn't do a thing all day except sit around and read books." Well, that's better than sitting around all day and sucking dick, Shion. Oh. Wait. Jin might do that, too. Never mind, then.

CHAOS!!! nods his head--the one on his NECK--sympathetically. "Well...there's no one on this ship that has any of your skills," he tells her. I think Tony would object to this statement, but he'd rather keep that "skill" between himself and CHAOS!!!. Shion notes that the crew is alllll man, so it's no wonder that none of them can cook. Wait. The whole universe is all up in Matthews's grill about being a sexist, but Shion herself just made the sexist observation that only women are comfortable in the kitchen! Yeah, that's right, writers! I caught you in your Captain Matthews prejudice!

 
Insert gay joke of your choice.

The gang makes more small talk about the relative quality of Shion's food compared with their own cooking, and there are more jokes at the Captain's expense. After Shion refills Matthews's water a second time, Corey whimpers, "Chief...um... Can I have some water too...?" Shion tells him she hadn't noticed he needed any. Corey cries to himself, and makes a note to write this in his My Secret Diary later.

Following the meal, while Shion and Corey wash the dishes (this indicates that Corey is a woman, as he's in the kitchen), they wonder what they're going to do now. Shion is set on keeping KOS-MOS on a six-inch leash, and insists on continuing to act like KOS-MOS is a bad, bad girl in need of a sharp spanking. Um...let's just pretend I phrased that in a non-lesbian way. Corey leans over the countertop in despair, thus missing the Shion ass shot that's now burned into my retinas. "And to think," he whines, "we were supposed to get vacation time once we completed the startup experiment and turned [KOS-MOS] over to the Second Division..." Shion tells him there's no use in complaining, which is just fucking rich coming from her.

And women can't do THAT!
 

They decide (meaning Shion decides) that they'll contact Vector and get instructions, and hang out on the Elsa in the meantime. "So I guess we're stuck with these guys for a little longer..." Corey says in an undertone. Shion, for once in her life, doesn't understand. Corey explains: "I got a little suspicious, so I checked this ship's registry. Did you know these guys are with the Kukai Foundation?" Since that name means nothing to me, he adds that the foundation is "just crawling with mutants." This sets off Shion's Moral Fucking Authority Alarm. "Hey, that's kind of a racist comment," she says, hands on hips, nose in the air. Seethe. Who cares if she has a point? Whore. Anyway, she launches into a giant speech about the Kukai Foundation, from its military beginnings to its philanthropic present, to illustrate to Corey what a prejudiced asshole he is, and that We Are All God's Special Creatures, and Children Are the Future. See, if we get one scene every six hours where Shion knows something about anything, this is enough to show us how smart she is. Isn't that cool? Way better than making her actually smart.

Shion can't remember the name of the generous soul in charge of the Kukai Foundation, but CHAOS!!! enters the room just in time to tell her it's "Gaignun Kukai." I like how it's so very obvious he just entered the room, and there's no way he heard what she was talking about, but he knew what name to supply anyway. Way to go, writers. Shion warmly greets CHAOS!!!, and as he walks over to her to chat and help with the dishes, there is a brief moment where both her ass and his trouser cobra are in the shot. Hey, look, I found a paper clip. I think I will stab my eyeballs with it.

 
BLEARGHARGHARGHARGH

The Black Screen of Time Lapse cuts to the wiping down of the last clean plate. CHAOS!!! notices that a tray with a sippy cup and a heaping helping of curry is still sitting out. Apparently Captain Matthews, horrible sexist glutton that he is, didn't manage to clean out the entire batch. Shion says she saved the food for Commander Jerkinov, who Corey notices at this exact moment didn't join them for dinner. It's not like you have a hundred people to keep track of on this ship. How could you not notice he was missing? Shion says that she called him down for dinner, and seems extremely put out that he wasn't around to tell her how awesome her fucking curry is. But no matter! "I'll just heat it up and take it to him," she says, all skippity-dee-do that she gets to play meal courier. CHAOS!!! and Corey have no problem whatsoever with Shion taking this enormously difficult task on herself, and so they leave together to go have angsty buttsex. Well, according to my sources. My sources being fanfic writers. But before they exit, CHAOS!!! asks Shion where KOS-MOS ran off to. Our real heroine is being tuned up in the hangar. Thank God Shion isn't down there with her, or I might have to endure some Shion x KOS-MOS fans telling me (or showing me *shudder*) the alternate meaning of "tuning." CHAOS!!! really wants to go and talk to her (after giving it to weepy Corey in the butt), because I bet KOS-MOS is a real interesting conversationalist. "I'm sure she'd like that," Shion tells him, and CHAOS!!! gets all giddy. Goddamn, these people are weird.

CHAOS!!! loves:
Tony. Obviously.
Corey. The Wang comforts Feldman in his times of weeping insecurity.
Himself. Like the Man from Nantucket.
Everybody. Hey, there's more than enough CHAOS!!! to go around, you know what I'm sayin'?

 

Following that scene, I get control of Shion, who's holding the now-steaming food-tray. Corey's back from his brief, sweaty tryst with IT!!! and tells Shion to hurry up and get the Commander his dinner. He'll just be standing here while she's gone--no, that's okay, no need for him to sit down, he'd much rather stand. Shion leaves the room and re-enters the galley, where Captain Matthews is sitting with gut sticking out and his fly open. My dream man, ladies and gents. He belches and says, "Looks like I ate a bit too much. It's not every day you get to eat curry that bad." Hee! Shion wiggles off, trying not to burst into tears all over her award-winning curry.

The strategy guide (an excellent publication, I'm sure you've heard) calls this next task "Touring the Elsa with food to go." You'd think there would be a better time for taking a tour of the ship than when you're supposed to be delivering hot food to someone. I mean, if it were me, there would soon be a few walls somewhere on the ship splattered with curry and rice. But I'm sure that Shion has the grace of a cat to go with her beauty and intelligence, so maybe I'm just worrying for nothing.

The robot (remember, Future!) behind the bar finds out that Shion is a novice in the world of card trading and gaming, and hooks her up with some booster packs and the Card Passport, so she can play cards using the U.M.N. Yeah, that's right--she's only allowed to play a fucking card game via the magic of cyberspace. I'm assuming, then, that the booster packs she just received are virtual cards and therefore don't actually exist. I have to assume, you see, because this is the last time we'll ever be discussing the card game, since I'm not going to waste my time playing it. If I want my life sucked away by a card game inside a videogame, I'll stick to Triple Triad, thank you very much.

Shion runs out of the dining area, her butt sticking out even more than usual due to her posture while carrying the food tray. As if I didn't loathe the tray enough, with its cargo of Shion's Amazing Cooking™. In the cabin area, she receives an email. God only knows how she checks it without setting the curry down, but given what she'll do with the fucking tray in her hands later, this seems minor. Anyway, the email details the EVS (Environmental Simulator). Basically, now certain save points can be used to go into a virtual reality which can open up previously-explored areas, and all the missed booty within. Just so we're on the same page, this means that Shion can go back to the Hoglinde, find an item she missed before and bring it back with her. Yeah, that little detail about the ship being blown into itty bitty pieces? Who cares? Shion needs her mech upgrades, dammit.

Oh, Shion can also, at this point, visit the Asteroid Pleroma, a place she has never technically visited. Whoops, game designers!

 
DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT

After using the silver buy-things point near the save point to fill up on all the items Ziggy used up, Shion goes up to the bridge. Tony's the only one there, but instead of flinging Shion against a wall and having his way with her, which would fit with what the writers want us to think about him, he merely asks if Shion would please hang out and cook for the boys more. She declines, because, remember, she's a Dedicated Career Woman™. Tony's all, "That's too bad," and goes back to writing CHAOS!!! a mash note.

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