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  -KH Main
  -Part 1 :: [12.06.02]
  -Part 2 :: [12.29.02]
  -Part 3 :: [01.26.03]
  -Part 4 :: [02.13.03]
  -Part 5 :: [05.26.03]
  -Part 6 :: [10.18.03]
  -Part 7 :: [01.19.04]
  -Part 8 :: [03.09.04]
  -Part 9 :: [08.08.04]
  -Part 10 :: [02.17.05]
  -Part 11 :: [06.06.05]
  -Part 12 :: [02.17.06]
  -Part 13 :: [08.15.06]
  -Part 14 :: [04.01.13]
  -Part 15 :: [11.11.13]
  -Part 16 :: [04.27.14]

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"Not that Margulis gives a shit, what with the unblinking evil and all. 'Me, tried in a court of ignoble commoners? Don't make me laugh.' Ooh, evil and a snob. Is he going pull off the Hat Trick of Predictable Villainy by being a master swordsman as well? I think he just might!"
     -Sam, Xenosaga Part 5

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Kingdom Hearts : Part 3
By Sam
Posted 01.26.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
The Queen is about as convinced as I am. She orders her legions of playing cards to kick Junior's ass. The hedges around the courtyard as well as the wooden structures except the Queen's seat disappear, making way for a castle tower-like thing in the middle of the grass. It has gears sticking out of it for no reason at all. Since the cards are only knocked unconscious and eventually revive, I determine that attacking the tower is the only way to go. Except that I just did it because the guide told me to. Shut up. Goofy and @%$#!!! distract the cards while Junior whacks away (ew) at the tower until it explodes (EW!) with HP balls and munny. Queen Rosie couldn't be more pissed, until she sees along with everyone else that Alice's cage is now empty. She's been kidnapped, which is the first time I've ever seen that in a Square game, let me tell you.

Thanks for that first-class lesson in criminal law.

Yet again, Junior and his Disney concubines make their way into the Lotus Forest. They have a third chat with the creepy Cheshire Cat, who's apparently been spying on the Heartless. I ignore his retarded advice, kill the Heartless that appear (including a big fat one which I will call the Fridge) and use the guide to figure out what the hell I'm doing. It's honestly my only recourse--I'd hate to think how long this freaking place would take me if I had to navigate on my own. Junior wastes another potion to grow larger and tosses a boulder into the water, which causes the lily pads to rise and become steps. At this point, the guide tells me to "make sure the center tree's branch is pointed toward the rear exit of the Lotus Forest." That's easier said than done, considering I can't see the rear exit with these shitty camera angles, let alone see if the branch is pointing to it. That said, I won't bother recapping all the times I had to go back and readjust the tree branch because of this very problem. Thanks loads, game designers. You too, strategy guide writers.

Junior, @%$#!!! and Goofy hop across the lily pads to a secret area behind the tall grass. There are even more smart-ass flowers hanging around, but more importantly, there's another entrance to the Queen's Castle area. Wow, all that trouble of wasting a potion and getting to this secret entrance was for a treasure chest with an Aero gummi in it. Stupid. Fucking. Gummi. Ships. Back into the Lotus Forest, where I find a bunch of pantomiming Heartless mushroom guys. They apparently like being struck by certain spells; unfortunately, I can't do a whole lot for them, since I don't yet have all the necessary spells to complete their puzzles. Do I even need to further bash the game designers by now? I think you get it, which is more than I can say for them.

Now that I'm finally on the right side of the Bizarre Room, the puzzle-solving can continue. Now the room is tipped on its side and Junior gets to fight Heartless running along one of the walls. The Fridge takes quite a lot of beating to take down, because Lord knows there's no defense like a really fat gut. Junior hits the brace holding a teddy bear on a shelf, and it falls, uh, horizontally to a chair on the floor. I sure would have thought of doing that on my own, yes sir. After collecting some treasure, the group jumps into a painting, a portal back to the Lotus Forest. I'm getting really fucking sick of this place.

Another secret area in the forest leads to another entrance to the Bizarre Room, this time know what? The hell with this. I'm watching this tape of my gameplay, and I just realized I don't know WHAT the fuck Junior is doing, because I can't tell the difference between him going the wrong way or the right way. Let's compress the rest of this Bizarre Room puzzle bullshit to the following statement: the room keeps moving around, Junior plays with the teddy bear, and the party wins an elixir and some munny at the Mad Hatter's tea party. The rest is just me making an ass of myself by getting lost and @%$#!!! getting knocked unconscious because he's a pussy. Good? Good.

You mean, there's another lamp besides the one that's fucking right in front of you, YOU MORON?!

After saving at the Queen's Castle one last time, Junior, @%$#!!! and Goofy go back into the right-side up Bizarre Room and find our good buddy the Cheshire Cat sitting on the table. He warns Junior of the imminent boss battle in his own nonsensical way and disappears, before anyone can ask him to explain what the hell he's talking about. The "We're Gonna Die" music cues up as our requisite boss monster makes its appearance. The Trickmaster is basically a mish-mash of phallic limbs, phallic body and phallic head (oh, and his long, flaming juggling sticks), so its new name is the Dickmaster (tm Josh).

It's not that easy of a battle, as the Dickmaster is really freaking tall and it's nearly impossible to jump and hit him from the floor. He also randomly makes the table and chair disappear, which are the only means of getting to the right height to hit him. Thank God it's retarded like all other boss creatures and does me the favor of bending over--not like that--so Junior can do damage. After the battle, the Dickmaster's head goes limp. You can all thank me for that mental image. A heart leaves its body before it disappears into pixie dust. Junior receives Ifrit's Horn as boss swag--how fitting that a phallic boss gives us a phallic item. Kill me.

Overcompensation, anyone?

Junior, @%$#!!! and Goofy now turn their attention to the Knob, who is still sleepy and yawning. What a lazy bastard. When he gives a particularly wide yawn, they can see the shiny outline of a keyhole inside his, er, keyhole. Gross. As if it could get any worse, Junior's Keyblade starts going wacky in his hands and points itself erectly at the keyhole. Then--please stop reading if you have a weak stomach--a thin beam of light shoots from the tip of the Keyblade into the keyhole. A distant locking noise is heard. That's right, kids. I think the Knob just made a man out of Junior.

Finally, a small greenish-yellow thing falls out of the keyhole. Goofy exposits that it's no ordinary gummi, and that it must belong to the King. What the hell? I know if I wanted my friends to find me, I'd jam a piece of candy into a keyhole and hope they found it. Even worse, this means they're trying to give the gummis story significance. Why do the game designers hate me so much?

The Cheshire Cat makes his final appearance to tell Junior that Alice is no longer in Wonderland--she's been kidnapped by the Heartless. Our heroes decide to go to another world to look for her, ending the scene with that fade-out keyhole thing they did last time. So, let's see, they're looking for King Mickey, Token and Riku, and now Alice, too? Is there enough room in that gummi ship for everybody?

That's it for this drug-tastic recap, but be sure to join Kelly next time as she splendidly recaps Junior's first catfight with @%$#!!!. And we'll all get a valuable lesson on respecting Mother Nature's creatures. Except not. I'll see you in part 5!

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