Kingdom Hearts : Part 2
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Inside the Dalmatian House, we're told that the 99 puppies have been scattered about the different worlds and that it's up to us to find them and return them home. Pongo and Perdita are over in a corner, looking sad. I'd feel sorry for them, except that I never really liked 101 Dalmatians, either animated or live-action, and I weep that Eric Idle was that stupid parrot in the second one. The next place we go is the Hotel, which leads to yet another cut scene where Goofy and @#$%!!! somehow just miss seeing Junior's ass as he walks in the door. Jeebus. Just when I think we're getting past the point where the game designers are walloping us upside the head with plot points, they go do it again. There isn't much going on in the Hotel besides a side quest involving looking at all the paintings, so after Junior's had a chance to admire the hotel art, it's time to leave again. In fact, it's time to leave the Second District altogether and head back to the First District. Where the hell is the map shop when you need it, huh? Even the little sign saying "You are here" would be more helpful than this! Junior stops back into the Accessory Shop for a chat with Cid, who tells him to take another look around town. Mr. Foreshadowing just beat Mr. Subtle up in the back room. I hope you're happy now, game designers. When Junior steps outside the Accessory Shop, all is eerily quiet, and a rather sexy sounding voice says "They'll come at you out of nowhere." I snicker. I'll bet Mr. Mystery Voice knows all about that. Junior asks our Griever wearing Mystery Man who he is, but MM, I mean Squally, er, dammit! Leon ignores him and says "And they'll keep on coming at you, as long as you wield the Keyblade." So that's what you boys are calling Mr. Happy these days? Well, you live and learn, I always say. The camera is focused on Leon's chest for some strange reason. Yes, we can all see Griever hanging there. We all know it's really Squally. Moving on. Leon asks "Why did it choose a kid like you?" which causes Junior to get his panties in a wad and ask Leon what he meant by that. Leon tells him to never mind, and then in the absolute perviest voice I've ever heard he says "Now, let's see that Keyblade." Dude! At least buy Junior a drink first, will you? Junior doesn't like the idea either and tells Leon "There's no way you're getting this!" Excuse me for sec, dear readers. I just ate a big lunch, and if I don't stop laughing I won't get to keep it. Ah, Square, the supertext never ends, does it? Leon accepts this with good grace and the camera finally pans back to show his face as he says "All right, have it your way", and he proceeds to beat the ever lovin' snot out of Junior. Junior falls backwards, unconscious, and a female voice says "Hey, you found it. Nice going, Leon." Man, they're meaner to this kid than I am. Oh, they were talking about the Keyblade. Whoops. Once again, we have the pointless body part focus and pan-out, this time on Yuffie, showing more skin than Tifa ever did. I know all the fanboys out there are drooling on their controllers at this point, but lucky for me, HG is not one of them. Leon, who from here on out will be called by his right name, Squally, says, "It looks like things were worse than we thought. A lot worse." I giggle meanly, and wish I could high five Squally. Instead we get a fade to black, and we're back with Goofy and @#$%!!!. Oh, Joy.
Goofy and @#$%!!! are walking through the deserted Third District. Goofy says, "There's nobody here! Sure is spooky." which leads @#$%!!! to brag about not being scared. And because narrative causality is too strong to be denied, what should happen next but a hand touching @#$%!!!'s shoulder, sending him leapfrogging onto Goofy's back, a quivering ball of duckie terror. I hear Mandy Moore's voice and see lots of pink, so that means we've just found Aeris. Note to you fanboys out there, frantically digging through the Kingdom Hearts character list, I know her name in this game is "Aerith" not "Aeris". I just don't care. Aerith sounds like someone with a very queeny lisp is trying to say Aeris. Aeris she is, and Aeris she stays. Deal. Aeris wants to know if King Mickey sent these two fine warriors. Who else would be insane enough to entrust the safety of his kingdom to that freakin' duck? I don't know, so we'll take that as a yes. The camera focuses in on Aeris, and FFVII fanboys the world over are weeping with joy. Me, I look at it this way. It could've been Cait Sith brought back for the game. We should all be thankful it wasn't. We get another fade to black.
Next we hear Token's voice saying "Come on, lazy bum. Wake up." Let me spoil your hopes of this ending as some huge dream sequence to a game that makes more sense. It isn't Token, even though that's who Junior sees when he wakes up. Ah, cinematic convention! For those of you wondering, it's Yuffie. She tells Junior that the big bad terrible creatures are after his heart because he wields the Keyblade, and he just gives her a blank look. Yuffie tells Squally, "I think you might have overdone it, Squall." He corrects her by saying "The name's Leon." My response? …whatever. (thanks, Sam!) Junior notices that his horrible world-crushing Mickey Mouse Key has been taken away from him and is propped up against a wall. Squally and Yuffie explain that they had taken it to make the terrible Bug Things of Doom stop tracking our intrepid hero Junior. Sure, Squally, I believe you. Why would anyone accuse you of trying to get your hands on their Keyblade? Squally takes another shot at Junior saying, "Still, hard to believe that you of all people are the chosen one", and after picking up the Keyblade and swinging it once or twice, (enjoy the imagery, folks), the Keyblade returns to Junior. Squally ends his little rip fest by saying "I suppose beggars can't be choosers." I love Squally more and more already. Junior demands that Squally start making sense, since he just doesn't get all this "heart" and "Keyblade" crap. Don't worry, kid. We'll all be beaten senseless with the metaphors long before we ever set one foot away from Traverse Town.