Kingdom Hearts : Part 2
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In part one, Junior, Riku and Token were taken from Wanker Island by a strange mysterious force after they bickered over building a raft for a day and half. Junior got his puny little ass kicked many, many times by The Blitzed One and Riku. Now Junior has to face up to the task of not only saving his friends, but tolerating the company of the World's Most Annoying Duck. Will he make it? Will I resist the urge to throw something at my television set if I see Junior's "pouty face" one more time? Only time (and this recap) will tell, so let's get it on!
First of all, big props to HG for playing me through this part of Kingdom Hearts. Sleep hangover + bad reflexes = long time wasted and plenty of cursing. Believe you me; I'll curse enough in this recap, not limited to the fact that I couldn't get a good screenshot to save my soul. I should have that rectified in the next KH recap, so bear with me. The first thing we see is @#$%!!! and Goofy, standing in a cobbled square. Goofy looks up into the night sky and after way too long, finally gets @#$%!!! to look up and pay some attention to him. Goofy says "Look, a star's going out!" Yep, there it goes, and it even has that little crystalline tinkly sound to prove it. Now, as any astronomer will tell you, starlight travels many millions and billions of light years, just so you can attribute some huge parapsychological significance to it and impress the hell out of your friends. In this case, it means that Junior is arriving in Traverse Town, so I'd say that it was a bad omen. @#$%!!! tells Goofy that they need to hurry, and they set off across the town square with Pluto at a nice, leisurely walk. Don't strain yourself, @#$%!!!. The camera pans out, and the title graphic for Traverse Town comes up, looking like a Vegas street sign on acid, then it fades out. The camera comes back on Goofy, Pluto and @#$%!!!. @#$%!!! is griping "Where's that key?" Duckie-poo, you just got here, 'kay? Even I have more patience than that, and that's saying something. Goofy thinks they should go find Leon. Pluto is investigating something we can't see down an alleyway. Goofy tries to get @#$%!!!'s attention, only to be told "What do you know, you big palooka?" Well, fuck you too, @#$%!!!. Unfortunately, Goofy is too good-natured to take offence and wonders just what it is he does know. Well, I'll tell you something I know, doggie-man. You have crappy taste in best friends. Goofy yells for Pluto as the camera pans out to show us just what Mickey's stalwart pooch found in that remarkably clean Traverse Town alleyway. It's Junior. Crap. Pluto, also not the smartest of dogs, wakes Junior up with a few sloppy licks on the face. Unfortunately, Junior wakes up with some groaning noises, which when taken in with the happy Traverse Town music sounds like a porno film. (tm HG) Junior says, "What a dream." right before Pluto lands on him to get his attention. Yeah, that's how my Corgi mix likes to get my attention, too. Thank goodness I'm well padded, that's all I'm saying. Junior finally realizes that he's not dreaming, and wonders where he is, ever so slowly coming to realize that he's not still on Wanker Island. He then says "Oh, boy", which reminds me of Dr. Sam Beckett on the old show "Quantum Leap". I immediately dismiss that from my mind. I really liked "Quantum Leap". Junior leans down and asks Pluto, "Do you know where we are?" as if Pluto will suddenly realize that he can talk and give this little putz directions. Pluto does finally realize he's in the presence of Junior and takes off running. Good dog!
So now that we have control of Junior again, it's time to explore Traverse Town in all its glory. A little speech bubble pops up over Juniors head and he says "I'm in another world!" Didn't we just cover that, you little wanker? Out in the town square, there are a few people hanging around to tell us some information on Traverse Town, so we'll just call them Exposition! Folks. One of them looks very similar to the Tidus model, so I think Nomura was just lazy. Note to Nomura: If you're going to re-use a character model, make it the Auron model, okay? There's also a moogle wandering about who tells Junior that the First District (where we are now) is the only safe place in Traverse Town. Why do I get the feeling that that's soon going to change?
Junior runs around looking at the wonders Traverse Town has to offer. A stop in the Accessory Shop finds the first save point in Traverse Town, along with FFVII's Cid. Cid takes one look at Junior and dismisses him, causing Junior to get pissy, and Cid backs down. C'mon, Cid you can take him! Cid asks Junior if he's lost, which is yet another lead-in for the game to beat us over the head that Junior ain't in Kansas anymore. We. Get. It. Junior decides that he should start looking for Riku and Token, since they might be lost too. You think? Cid tells Junior that if he ever gets into trouble, he can come back and that Cid will look after him. Cid, don't make me start calling you Seymour. Next it's off to the Item Shop, but since Junior has no money as of yet, it's a pointless exercise. Huey, Dewey, and Lewey run the Item Shop. Yay. More annoying ducks. Right by the Item Shop is the doorway leading to the Second District, so it only makes sense to go through, right? Well, as much sense as anything makes in this game so far. Cut me some slack.
The first thing we see in the Second District is a generic townsman running for his life. He falls to the ground and his poor little cartoony heart is sucked right out of his chest and into the air by something we can't see yet. The heart continues to float towards a now-visible mini Black Ball of Doom that's formed and is sucked in. Now that whatever it is has been fed, a little creature forms out of the ball. It's a little creature dressed in a blue and red jogging suit, extremely pointy-toed shoes and a metal open helmet. The first thing I say when I see said creature is "Awww!" since he's so cute. Much cuter than that little schmuck that I'll be stuck with for the rest of the damned game. That is so not fair. The little creature spots Junior, and decides that there's no way he's going to deal with a little wanker carrying a Mickey Mouse key, and he vanishes, only to be replaced by a bunch of the little bug things. Junior wanks that they're the same kind of creatures that were on Wanker Island. Well, yes, they are. And now you're going to show them who's boss with your Mickey Mouse Key of Death. Get to it. One of the advantages of this fight is that the little bug things drop health balls and "munny", the currency of the game. So, that means that we now have the means to purchase items. I'm so excited I can't see straight. Oh, wait; I just needed to clean off my trusty specs. That's better. Junior fights his way up the street, and comes to a door marked "Gizmo Shop" run by that nice Mr. Ron Popeil. Junior goes inside, prepping us for the cut scene. As soon as Junior's inside the Gizmo shop, no doubt checking out the "Insta Stud" body amplifier kit or singing into the "Mr. Microphone", the camera pans back to show Goofy and @#$%!!! standing in the street, looking around aimlessly. @#$%!!! grumbles "Where is he?" while Goofy yells out "Leeoooonnnn!!!" in a way that I would imagine is very reminiscent of Rinoa. Poor Squally - er, I mean Leon. And with that, the cut scene is over and we're back with Junior. I think I'll file that under "most pointless cut scene ever" except for the fact that this is a Square game, and the file's already pretty full. Junior runs around the Gizmo Shop, fighting more bug things since we're not going to level up otherwise. Then he heads out the door for more exploration of the Second District, coming upon the Dalmatian's House, which leads us to yet another cut scene just outside in which Goofy says "This could take awhile". Humph. Next time, doggy-man, take a hint from me. Pick up Seifer before you go. You'd have found Leon five seconds after you got there, what with all the flying pheromones.