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"PUGGY!! is still upset, and Garnoa feels shitty for not knowing what has been going on at the castle. She and Zidane agree to stay close to PUGGY!!. I'm sure that makes PUGGY!! feel a lot better."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy IX Part 3




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Grandia II : Part 5
By Jeanne
Posted 11.08.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
Last time, the party helped cure a town that had been cursed by Valmar. In addition, there was much angst, as well as a lot of stuff that, even if you fanwanked it till the cows come home, just doesn't make the slightest lick of sense. I know -- imagine that. Let's continue on with our journey where nothing will seem like a repeat of anything else.

We start out at the Liligue Inn, where the innkeeper, elated at his ability to taste stuff, offers them a huge dish of his cooking. Presumably, this does not resemble the genitalia of an Australian mammal in any way, shape, or form. Because I seem to hate myself today, I take him up on this kind offer, which catapults me straight into a stinking pile of ChoadChat. God damn it.

The familiar happy tune plays in the background as Ryudo jizzes himself over the yummy food. Interestingly, Word likes to change the word "jizzes" to "jazzes" which would certainly be less messy. The "conversation" turns to the next leg of their journey -- crossing the Granasscrack. Tidink wonders if this is Mary Sue's first time traversing the crack. "Yeah, it's her first time. But remember, [Tidink], most things ARE new to country girls like [Mary Sue]," Ryudo snarks. Wait, I don't get it. What's he....oh.

Tidink, Gay Anime Grin splitting his face, inanely says, "If the Skyway did not exist, I do not know whether or not I would have run into [Ludo] in this town." Well, that was random. It turns out that this shitty, unrealistic dialogue is an excuse for Ludo to blather on about fate ensuring that these asswads would meet up no matter what. That's fucking reassuring.

Ludo has to further irritate me by mentioning that, "The curse of Valmar is gone. And the SMELL of desire that went with it is fading as well." Thanks for clearing that up again. Also, "the SMELL of desire" in regards to Valmar does not make with the happy mental images. Yuck. Ryudo rightly notes that the townsfolk were greedy jerkheads before Valmar's Tongue waltzed its deformed way into the town, and will continue to be greedy jerkheads long after I've set the Grandia II disk on fire and shattered it into a million pieces. Ludo is all bleeding heart and benefit of the doubt over the townsfolk, which indicates that he has never met any people, ever.

 
I know I have.

Had enough yet? TOO BAD! Tidink squeaks, "Everyone, could you tell me what you felt like the first time you laid eyes on the Skyway?" No. No they can't, because that's a retarded question. The conversation turns to the inner workings of the stupid thing, which Tidink tries to explain in detail. When Ryudo cuts him off, basically saying that they don't fucking care, Skye is all, "HAHA, Ryudo's so DUMB." Actually, he uses the word "bird-brained" because he's a bird -- GET IT?! Then Tidink randomly re-expresses that he doesn't think they would have met up if it weren't for the Skyway. I assume he's talking to Ludo again, because his last dipshitted statement to that effect is still burned into my brain. But since this is a good thirty seconds after that portion of the conversation took place, it wouldn't really make sense to the rest of the party. Yay for ChoadChat! Also, Tidink seriously needs to stop humping the Skyway's leg. Sure, it's cooler than most of the shit in this game, but good God.

The Skyway conversation continues as the nice men in white jackets take me away to a padded cell where I spent the rest of my days randomly screaming things like, "Tidus is a wanker!" and "Shut up, Rinoa!" This time, the discussion centers around the rope that connects to either side of the Skyway. Specifically, how did they attach it to both sides. As expected, someone (Ryudo, in this case) has to bust out with the "DURR!!! They tie it to one side and run the Skyway over to attach the other side!!!!" More "Ryudo's a big dummy dum-dum" talk because God forbid someone not know how this completely nonsensical contraption works. This leads to some serious pondering of the rope attachment method on Tidink's part because this is clearly central to the st-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Various possibilities are explored, such as a giant spider producing the rope out of its ass, an image which shall soon be making a guest appearance in my nightmares. As this pressing rope issue is never resolved, I shall leave it up to you guys.

Okay, so how did the rope get attached?
The giant spider out the ass thing. Sweet dreams!
What's wrong with Ryudo's idea?
It involved someone grabbing one end, climbing down one side of the Granasscrack, climbing up the other side, then handing the rope to some guy waiting on the other side. The climber ended up dying horribly. He was Tidus.
A wizard did it!!!!!

 

I choose to end this lame as shit conversation by choosing Ryudo, but then I get the choice to choose a particular character to converse with. You mean I can continue ChoadChatting? HOORAY! Continuing to hate myself, I pick Mary Sue's undoubtedly exciting dialogue next. She wants to know what everyone's first time was like. And she's talking, of course, about crossing the Granasscrack. Tidink's first experience with the crack was distracting, as it involved Risotto the circus freak freaking out. I will direct you toward the caption, as I can't do this bit of dialogue justice. I will say that such a scene would be fairly distracting. In a bad way.

 
That's what usually happens when you're 'riding,' dumbass.

Ludo has to share some of the stories of his people, which no one gives a flying fuck about. Namely, that "the [Granasscrack] [is] where lost, wandering spirits are consumed." Awkward silence. Then Ryudo pipes up that he's heard that you can hear the screams of everyone who's fallen over the edge of the crack. Of course he's making this up to totally bullshit and freak out Mary Sue. Mary Sue gets all upset, but not because she's freaked -- nope, she wants to pray for all the poor bastards who fell in. But ha ha -- Tidink spills the beans by explaining what any non-dumbass could figure out: the whining is the sound of the wind blowing through the buttcrack. "Kid, there's going to be ONE wandering spirit here real soon if you don't learn how to keep your mouth shut," Ryudo threatens. And if this game didn't suck sweaty donkey balls, he might actually make good on that promise. Alas.

It feels like it's been that long already.
 

The scintillating conversation turns next to Ludo, who wants to discuss all the shit that's gone down so far. Mary Sue establishes for those of us who have had our heads buried in our asses for the last two hours that the people of the town are greedy and they love money more than anything else. Ryudo practically screams, "DURRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at her. Tidink, as the Child Wise Beyond His Years™, establishes that people don't take time to appreciate the little things in life. "Are you listening, Ryudo? You should, as you are always quick to whine about any little problem," Skye snits. Wow, someone got rejected for buttsex last night. Rarr! Hiss!

Ludo busts out with some of his pseudo-intellectual-spiritual bullcrap that translates into, "Mary Sue is awesome! Let's all kiss Mary Sue's ass!" This degenerates into a religious bullshitting match between Ryudo and Mary Sue. The bottom line: Ryudo thinks people suck and Mary Sue thinks people and Granas are kewl. Even Skye joins in on the obnoxious Mary Sue asslicking by crediting her with the latest anti-Valmar triumph. At least I think that's what he's talking about. "Hee hee! I did nothing. It was Ryudo! It was his hard work that did it," Mary Sue giggles. Whereas she's right in that she did diddly shit, there were other people in the party. But no one points this out to her because Mary Sue is a perfect angel who can do no wrong and her shit smells like roses and strawberries.

Fucking FINALLY the ChoadChat is over and I can remove the noose from around my neck. The party makes their way toward the Skyway station, stopping to chat with the fine denizens of Liligue City along the way. Since I skipped over this fun part last time, let's check in with the formerly curse-ridden assholes, shall we? The first person the party talks to offers them a cash reward, but stupid, stupid Mary Sue is all, "We're so good and wholesome and pure, we do these fine deeds out of the goodness of our golden hearts, tee hee!" Ryudo is gobsmacked that someone in this town is willing to give up money, and determines that everyone has changed. He is shocked. Mary Sue manages to keep from rubbing in that she was right in her nauseating optimism, but just barely. But not so fast! One guy admits that he was wrong in putting money over health, because if he's healthy he can make more money! Put that in your self-righteous pipe and smoke it, Mary Sue!

This kind of they're greedy/they're not greedy crap continues all the way to the station. In addition to Mary Sue's overly perky demeanor, we have Ludo's formal pseudo-spiritual asshattery to deal with as well. Curse removing aside, I bet the townsfolk are just aching for these asstards to leave.

Because we can't leave one single miniscule plot point unresolved, the party meets up with the Annoying Whiner Family as they leave the Skyway. Much more asskissing and happiness ensues. Okay, we get it -- everything is happy again. Does everyone have that firmly carved into their skulls now? Yes? Well, that doesn't stop Mary Sue from breaking out with every God damn clichéd statement for "everything's fine now." If you don't believe me, here you go: "So... measure for measure, all's well that ends well. The townsfolk have been saved, and all is as it should be." She mentions that Gadan took care of his body but not his eternal soul or something like that, and Ryudo points out -- again -- that everyone in town is/was a greedy fucker even apart from Gadan's whole deal. "But still... the trap has been sprung. All has been put right," Mary Sue recites. "If everyone works together, happiness will return to even this broken world. Lord Granas yet watches over us." I think I speak for all of us when I say: Shut up, Mary Sue.

Ryudo tries to hammer it into Mary Sue's clueless skull that duh, everything doesn't have a happy ending, there are shades of gray, etc. etc. This is way too advanced a concept for Mary Sue to comprehend, so Ryudo's all, "Fucking forget it." The party ascends the platform and boards the Skyway tram for an undoubtedly trouble-free journey.

Since we've had it jammed up our butts that this is truly an epic moment for our heroes, we get the full movie of the Skyway pulling out of the station, with its giant striped funnels looking impressive yet probably useless. After an absolutely riveting series of shots that display all imaginable angles of the Skyway tram, we join the group as they sit on the wooden floor. Their seated position looks familiar, and my vague feeling of dread is validated when the little hand cursor pops up over Ryudo's head. God damn it. We're only sixteen minutes in, and we're being violated in the ass with another ChoadChat.

This one starts out with Ryudo noting that Mary Sue looks pale. Well, shit, she's a Mary Sue who had something marginally bad happen to her, so of course she's wilting away like a delicate flower. Ryudo wonders what Mary Sue remembers of her "ordeal." Since the damn girl has been through several of these in the first several hours of the game, I shall clarify -- he's referring to the Tongue of Valmar and transforming into Millenia incident. Mary Sue, in turn, asks each of the party members what the fuck happened to her. Of course, they just reply with more questions. No one knows what in hell is going on. Fair enough.

But that doesn't mean that we can't talk about it for several more minutes! There's more absolutely essential information such as Tidink's disbelief that Millenia is Valmar as well as Ludo's declaration that there was more than just one bad SMELL during that whole dealie. So that clears up my question of whether or not he SMELLED Mary Sue's possession by Valmar. As for why he didn't bother to mention it earlier while they were discussing it, well...hey, look over there!

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