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  -Part 1 :: [02.13.02]
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"Some of these are undead creatures whose bodies taper to a point below the waist and who wear their intestines on the outside. They also grunt in voices like the NAMBLA members from South Park. This is still not as disturbing as the love story of this game."
     -Jeanne, Grandia II Part 4




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Chrono Cross : Part 2
By Jeanne
Posted 03.02.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
When we left off last time, Cronabe and Gandy had just ended up in another world that looks just like their own - but isn't. The most important difference - to us, at least - is that the other world's Cronabe died ten years ago. That kind of sucks.

Cronabe and Gandy head to Cape Howl, where Other World Cronabe's (OW-Cronabe's) grave is located. Of course there are monsters to fight and treasure chests to find because it can't ever be simple to travel from point A to point B in an RPG.

It's sunset by the time Cronabe and Gandy reach the Cape. There always has to be a sunset scene and in this case, the game designers thought they had to throw that in there to make the scene mean more or something. The tombstone looks like a mounded pile of dirt with stuff sticking out of it - it's not pretty. The epitaph reads:

R.I.P.
Our beloved [Cronabe]
Died age 7

Nobody can take anything away from him.
Nor can anyone give anything to him.

Well that's a tad bit depressing, pointless, and....obvious. Maybe they should add, "He can't breathe, either", just in case. Oh, wait, there's more:

What came from the sea,
Has returned to the sea.

A voice comes from offscreen. "So you must be [Cronabe]... The ghost of the boy who died ten years ago."

Before Cronabe can say, "No, actually, I'm from another world that is just like this one in appearance, and in that world I'm alive, so technically I'm not a ghost," three men approach him. One of them looks like a woman, with long purple hair, and the other two are wearing some kind of weird armor. The short fat armor guy kicks Gandy off the cliff. The game designers sure like animal brutality, the bastards.

The purple-haired guy must be a pedophile. He tells Cronabe they only have business with him, so "be a good boy and come with us." Ew....EW! Run, Cronabe!

One of the armor guys wonders if it is "truly true" that Cronabe is a ghost. He calls the purple-haired guy Sir Karsh, so I'm going to hazard a wild guess that that is his name. "He seems like a perfectly perfect young boy to me," Armor Man #1 continues. Ew....EW! This is taking a nasty turn. Cronabe just stands there like a dolt, instead of running or jumping into the ocean, like I would.

Karsh tells them it doesn't matter what Cronabe is, because "We found the boy here, just as 'he' said we would, didn't he?" This is where we're supposed to get all interested in knowing who "he" is and how "he" knew Cronabe was going to be there, but of course they don't tell us just yet. No, that would be too easy.

Karsh and his minions try to grab Cronabe, but someone shows up in the nick of time to save his pathetic, doltish ass. It's Kid, from the beginning of the game, looking all fearsome in her skimpy little outfit. Kid needs to eat a steak. She jumps in front of Cronabe, forcing his three attackers backward. She's all threatening and stuff, and Karsh tries to convince Cronabe to come with him, so he (Karsh), doesn't have to hurt them. Karsh has orders to bring Cronabe in, probably from the mysterious "he". Kid will have none of this. "I'm gonna kick yer sorry arses so hard you'll kiss the moons!" she says daintily.

Karsh desperately needs to update his wardrobe.
 

A "boss" fight ensues. We learn two "important" things in this battle: the two armor guys are Solt and Peppor, and they are the comic relief bad guy duo. They figure out that a black element is most effective against Cronabe (whose element is white (black and white = opposites - get it?)), but because they are the bumbling comic relief bad guys, they forgot to bring a black element. Whoops.

Karsh is pissed because he, too, forgot a black element, so he tries to cover for it by saying, "Real men don't need magic when they can fight with their might!" I would agree, except that I prefer "real men" who use swords, not axes. Swords are cooler. I'm just sayin'.

Um, that's about all the interesting stuff in that battle. Afterward, Solt and Peppor run away like little pansies because Cronabe and Kid are no "ordinary brats". Of course they aren't. They're lead characters in an RPG. That means they have to be a million times stronger than even people who have trained for years and years and years. Karsh is, once again, pissed, but because it's only the second hour of the game, he must let them go. Kid sasses him some more before he runs off, because she is the sassy female lead. Which is a welcome change from the soft-spoken, wussy female lead.

 
But what do you really think?

Kid knows who Cronabe is, even though they haven't technically met yet (remember, the opening scene where we first saw her was just a "dream"). Then she introduces herself. She goes on for a while about how she couldn't let those guys beat up on poor, helpless Cronabe, and then wonders why they were after him. Cronabe waves his arms around without saying anything, but Kid seems to understand him. She must speak Cronabese.

Kid asks if Cronabe would like to "team up" with her for a while. It turns out that this isn't a proposition - Kid just wants to protect Cronabe from Karsh and his bitches. At least that's what she says. Remember, she is the lead female, and the RPG laws state that she must immediately fall in love with the hero.

Well, gee, when you make it sound all creepy and disgusting like that...
 

This is where I get to make a choice. So I make Cronabe turn her down. Why? Because no matter what I do, it's not like she's going to disappear from the game. Come on. Kid is surprised and gets all dippy, asking Cronabe, "Are you tellin' me, you're gonna refuse the company of a lonely, vulnerable, sweet little girl?" She makes Cronabe sound like he's turning down the chance to be a raging pedophile. He has to turn her down twice more before she finally walks off. Oh well. Gee, I bet we'll never see her again. Especially since Kid tells Cronabe where she's headed - a town called Termina. Hey, we've heard that name before!

After Kid leaves, Gandy conveniently reappears, walking up the Cape. Wow, the game designers are so subtle in allowing for the possibility of different party members at this point in the game.

In the next scene, Gandy and Cronabe are magically back in Arni Village, in OW-Cronabe's old house. OW-Beeyotch is there as well, pacing around the room. She tells them to rise and shine. I hate when people say that. I am not a morning person.

Beeyotch starts musing about why Cronabe's memory is all messed up. She still doesn't believe that he's actually Cronabe. But of course she wants to help him. Why? Because - don't be too shocked or surprised - she's probably in love with him.

It just so happens that Beeyotch has some errands to run in Termina, and she asks if she can travel with Cronabe. That's right, they're going to Termina. Kid's next destination. Gosh, do you think there might be a teensy-weensy chance that Cronabe might meet up with Kid there?

 
Well, "creepy" was more of the word I was looking for....

Beeyotch feels the need to keep spouting random crap to Cronabe. "It feels like I've always known you.....Sounds strange, doesn't it?" Yeah, real strange. I've never heard anything remotely similar in an RPG or movie or book. Ever.

After this inane dialogue, Cronabe, Gandy, and Beeyotch head out. I still feel sorry for poor Gandy, having to sit through all this sappy, obnoxious crap. And yet, she never complains.

I just realized that I don't really give a rat's ass about anyone in this game with the exception of Gandy. And even that interest is based entirely on the fact that she is a cute puppydog. I certainly don't care about her backstory one bit. They are all as boring as rocks. Hopefully someone will develop a personality by the end of the game. And a weird dialect does not count as personality.

I officially name Beeyotch at this point, and since they only allow me six letters, I change the spelling to Biotch. Henceforth, she shall be known by this name, which is so very different. This is followed by Gandy's exuberant shout of "Full thpeed ahead!" and her and Biotch slowly meandering over to stand still next to Cronabe.

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