Videogame Recaps
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  -LunarSSS Main
  -Part 1 :: [02.22.03]
  -Part 2 :: [05.23.03]
  -Part 3 :: [02.01.04]
  -Part 4 :: [08.17.04]
  -Part 5 :: [02.17.05]
  -Part 6 :: [02.17.06]
  -Part 7 :: [08.06.08]
  -Part 8 :: [08.28.11]
  -Part 9 :: [05.17.13]
  -Part 10 :: [11.26.13]
  -Part 11 :: [11.24.14]

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"Red Cloud gives this little 'I'm angry' arm swing that we've all seen about a hundred million times before, then he goes to open the handy-dandy treasure chest just to the right of the save point. In the chest is something called 'Burn Out'. I know of an after-sunburn ointment by the name Burn Out, but I don't think that's what they mean here."
     -Kelly, Legend of Dragoon Part 1

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Part 1


"We're late, we're late, for a not-so-important date!"
In the first hour we'll meet Alex, our young green-eyed hero, his irritating pet, his irritating best friend, and his irritating Mary Sue girlfriend. Sadly, it will be at least five more hours before we meet anyone who isn't irritating. At least there's plenty of scary sexual subtext to keep me entertained! More »

Part 2


"Forests dungeons (and hippies) piss me off."
For some reason Game Arts thought it would be really funny to subject me to not one, but two forest dungeons in the span of one hour. Not to mention enduring them with Gams, Squeak and Ram-It. And everyone and their grandma giving Alex crappy, cookie-cutter "believe in your dreams" advice. Kill me now. More »

Part 3


"My Big, Fat, Obnoxious, Angsting Mary Sue Girlfriend. Except not big or fat."
Gams shows off her beautiful, angelic, perfect singing voice--again--before the gang lands in Meribia. Once there, Nash bails to find himself a prostitute, Alex is smacked around by an old guy's blade (bamp chicka bow bow) and Ram-It is shown to be completely out of his element. Just like in the first two hours. More »

Part 4


"Foreshadowing, exposition, and penises, oh my!"
Alex and his hangers-on leave Meribia for Vane, the bestest magic city there ever was, which has, coincidentally, some...interesting d?cor. Our hero gets to hear every damn thing he's ever wanted to know about Lunar, Althena, Dragons, Dragonmasters, and the future "twists" in this game's plot. He also gets to meet the guy who's been screwing his boyfriend. Sadly, there is no Jerry Springer-style throwdown...yet. More »

Part 5


"More fraudulent than Royce's boobies."
Alex, Gams, Squeak and Nash are on a mission: go find the Dragonmaster of Lann and see if he's a zero or a hero. Alex's mission is even simpler: beat the snot out of that chump for jumpin' all over his territory. Only one man in this game gets to wear Daddy Dyne's earflap helmet, and he's not some bitch from Lann, dig? More »

Part 6


"What a twist!"
Sing along if you know the words: there's something wrong, very wrong indeed, with Lemia Ausa. She's crabby, hanging around with uncouth new friends, and wantonly throwing people in prison. Can Super Sleuths Alex, Mia, Nash and Squeak uncover the unbelievable truth about Mia's mother?, they really can't. Because they are stupid. Painfully, staggeringly stupid. More »

Part 7


"Stop me if you've heard this one before, dear Quark..."
Ghaleon: Knock knock!
Quark: Who's there?
Ghaleon: Magic Emperor.
Quark: Magic Emperor who?
Quark: I don't get it. More »

Part 8


"Okay, who would like a banger in the mouth?"
The sequence of events in this recap test my resolve in two ways: first, I struggle to be patient with our heroes as they are robbed in a town full of thieves and take as long as humanly possible to retrieve their item; and second, I struggle even more to stick with the narrative that our male protagonists are not totally, undeniably, Anal Attorney-level gay. There are hot springs, people. More »

Part 9


"All the tits that are fit to print."
En route to the site of his second Dragon Trial, Alex and his friends are forced to stop in a quaint village of engineers (i.e. HUGE NERDS, LOL) to seek out transportation. They find it, along with comically large phallic vegetables and the world's saddest fanzine. All of this is, unfortunately, much more interesting than the actual Red Dragon Cave. More »

Part 10


"That was pitchy, dawg."
Alex manages to get around to meeting the Blue Dragon much more quickly than he did the Red Dragon, but the trade-off is a visit to the horrible village of Lyton and a recap-long episode of Lunar's Teenz Got Singing, featuring a very special guest performance by Gams, Queen of the Divas. Astoundingly, the Blue Dragon has not morphed into an insufferable attention whore by osmosis. More »

Part 11


"The Montreal Stadius Zone Screwjob."
Alex is tested more than ever in his quest to find the fourth and final dragon and become the Dragonmaster. He must endure Vile Tribe ambush, old man smell, a more perfect Gary Stu than he questioning his virtue, yet another goddamn enchanted forest, a plague that only affects vaginas, and the horror of watching his Mary Sue be turned to the dark side and somehow become less of a narcissist. And yet endure he does, to finally become the Dragonmaster, only for Nash to fuck it all up an hour later. Wonderful. More »

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