Phoenix Wright Nickname(s): none Age: 24 Description: Our protagonist, a homosexual defense attorney with overly spiked hair and a pink tie. He has a penchant for taking on cases that seem like lost causes, but he always manages to turn them around using his brilliant lawyering skills. How he accomplishes this when the game designers made him dumber than a box of Tidus hair, I don't know. And I don't really care, because his real purpose is to have hot gay buttsex with other hot gay male characters in the game. First appearance:   Part 1

Mia Fey Nickname(s): none Age: 27 Description: Phoenix's boss, and another supposedly brilliant defense attorney. She also, sad to say, wants in Phoenix's cheap blue pants. While most guys would be all over her -- with her revealing outfit and porn star hooters -- that's just not going to happen in this game. Also, it must be noted that at the advanced age of 27, she plays the role of the older, wiser mentor. And we know what always happens to them, don't we? First appearance:   Part 1

Larry Butz Nickname(s): none Age: 23 Description: Phoenix's childhood friend and current boyfriend. Sure, the boyfriend thing isn't actually supported in canon, but the guy's last name is BUTZ. Do the math, people. Unfortunately for Phoenix, Larry is a giant, melodramatic douchebag who also plays the obligatory role of the "CHICKS CHICKS CHIIIIIIIIIIIICKS!!!!" guy in this game. On top of all those charming character traits, he manages to get himself arrested for murder. And it's up to his sexy boyfriend Phoenix to defend him. Oh, he'd SO better put out tonight. First appearance:   Part 1

The Judge Nickname(s): none Age: Ageless Description: He's powerful, ever-present, and unchanging -- kind of like God. If God has a below-zero IQ, that is. I'm not sure if he's senile or just really, really, really dumb and gullible. It could be both. Either way, he holds the power of life and death in his incompetent, gavel-banging hands. That should scare the everloving shit out of you. First appearance:   Part 1

Winston Payne Nickname(s): none Age: 52 Description: The sad, unremarkable prosecutor who handles the first case of every game in the series. Sure, he has some mildly interesting character traits and an extremely minor backstory that we find out in future games. But in this one, the only trait worth noting is his spastic falsetto voice that sounds like the mating of Michael Jackson and a muppet. You're welcome! First appearance:   Part 1

Cindy Stone Nickname(s): ButzEx Age: 22 Description: The victim in the first case. She was a supermodel with a terrible haircut and a habit of dating gay guys and sugar daddies until she was cut down in her prime by a really ugly dude in a flamboyant suit. Shit happens. First appearance:   Part 1

Frank Sahwit Nickname(s): none Age: 36 Description: The real murderer. I'm not spoiling anything for you here, because we see him murdering the victim in the very first scene. The majority of the first case involves wading through his blatantly false testimony in an attempt to coerce a confession out of him. Even the hilarity of his bright fuchsia suit doesn't make up for the tediousness of this. First appearance:   Part 1

Maya Fey Nickname(s): none Age: 17 Description: Accused of the murder of her older sister Mia, Maya is another defendant who was really just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Speaking of that, as the main female presence in the series, just by the virtue of her presence she has a knack for finding herself in absurd pairings with Phoenix, Edgeworth and any number of other clearly gay men. First appearance:   Part 2

Dick Gumshoe Nickname(s): none Age: 30 Description: Because any game about crime and punishment has to have one, Dick Gumshoe is our token inept detective with the general disposition of a braindead labrador. Detective Gumshoe usually manages to screw up even the most basic crime scene investigations and tends to make the prosecution look stupid whenever he takes the witness stand, which means he's invaluable to Phoenix. First appearance:   Part 2

April May Nickname(s): none Age: 23 Description: April wears pink, has obcenely large boobs and functions as a sad, thinly-veiled anvil to our heads that all men love women, and are not at all gay. What, did you think there were gay men in this game? How silly. First appearance:   Part 2