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  -Breath of Fire III
  -Breath of Fire IV
  -Chrono Cross
  -Chrono Trigger
  -Eternal Darkness
  -Final Fantasy IV
  -Final Fantasy VI
  -Final Fantasy VII
  -Final Fantasy VIII
  -Final Fantasy IX
  -Final Fantasy X
  -Final Fantasy X-2
  -Final Fantasy Tactics
  -Grandia II
  -Kingdom Hearts
  -Legend of Dragoon
  -Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
  -Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker
  -Lunar: Silver Star Story
  -Metroid: Other M
  -Persona 4
  -Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
  -Silent Hill
  -Skies of Arcadia
  -Suikoden II
  -Suikoden III
  -Suikoden IV
  -Tales of Destiny
  -Tales of Symphonia
  -Valkyrie Profile
  -Wild ARMs
  -Wild ARMs 3

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"'Someone's turning Yuna into a bad girl,' Paine leers. Wow, those game designers are sure subtle with the innuendo! 'Who?' Rikku squeaks innocently. Good lord."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy X-2 Part 8

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Breath of Fire III

The innovative and original gaming experience that helped make the Breath of Fire franchise the veritable RPG powerhouse it is today. ...Oh, just try and say that with a straight face. .........DRAGONS!!

Last part posted:    Part 4 on 12.23.04 by Ben

Breath of Fire IV

A non-groundbreaking RPG about a boy who can turn into a dragon at will. Um, okay. Ryu (a.k.a Ruley) is on a personal journey to discover his origins and to find the best hair salon in the land. Unfortunately, he is slowed down by one of the most annoying Mary Sues in game history, who is on a quest to find her missing sister. Cue much controller-throwing and screaming as I try to cope with the tedium of it all.

Last part posted:    Part 7 on 05.05.13 by Ben

Chrono Cross

The much anticipated sequel to Chrono Trigger brought us seven times as many characters with one-seventh of the personalities of the originals, as well as a horrendously complicated plotline. Join me as I try to make sense of it all -- and fail miserably.

Last part posted:    Part 9 on 05.26.09 by Jeanne

Chrono Trigger

Crono is a young man who just wants to live in peace and harmony with nature, slaughtering everything he sees with his SHINY SHINY sword. Unfortunately for him, he meets a young girl at the fair that happens to be a princess, and devotes the rest of his life to catering to her every whim. Throw in a crazed genius with a time machine, and much time travel-related trouble ensues. Somewhere along the line, the world gets saved. Go figure.

Last part posted:    Part 6 on 08.01.11 by Ryan

Eternal Darkness

Eternal Darkness has one goal -- to fuck with your sanity. Obviously, this sets it apart from games such as Final Fantasy X, Kingdom Hearts, and Chrono Cross. The story of humanity's struggle against a group of evil gods is told through the eyes of different characters in different countries over the course of many years. Though the male characters are a diverse group -- old and young, fat and skinny, straight and gay -- the few chicks in the game are all young, hot, and thin. Go women's lib!

Last part posted:    Part 3 on 02.17.09 by Jeanne

Final Fantasy IV

One of the earliest FF games (the 4th, duh) places us in the shoes of Cecil, a Dark Knight with a conscience. Cecil seems to have come from the same production line as Squall ? his slogan could almost be "New Squall Lite: the great taste of the original Squall, but with no added gayness!" Other than that small fact (and the crappy graphics, sound, and characters) the game is quite good. Really.

Last part posted:    Part 5 on 02.17.14 by Ben

Final Fantasy VI

Final Fantasy VI is a magnificently narrated story which explores the true nature of humanity, friendship, love and loyalty. It speaks to so many gamers through its deep characterization and flawless, innovative storytelling. Yeah, I'm totally jerking your chain--it's nothing but a tangled mess of torrid love triangles, horrendous Mary Sues and ADD cases. But hey, the music is really good!

Last part posted:    Part 5 on 06.04.12 by Sam

Final Fantasy VII

The game known as the bane of old schoolers to some, and the greatest game ever made to others. To me it's a mess of polygons, bad exposition, and a cool bad guy.

Last part posted:    Part 11 on 02.17.08 by Jeanne

Final Fantasy VIII

Squall and Seifer are two gay young men with phallic weapons who want nothing more than to run away together once they get this whole "rivals" thing out of their systems. Unfortunately, there's something called the "script" which forces a young woman named Rinoa into the picture. Read the recap, where I tell you the true story.

Last part posted:    Part 11 on 01.28.09 by Jeanne

Final Fantasy IX

Because so many people didn't like the wacky Final Fantasy that was VIII, Square has gone back to square one in their search for a game that not everyone hates. Were they successful? Well, this time people bitched that the game was too similar to past Final Fantasies. Square just can't win, can they?

Last part posted:    Part 6 on 05.09.04 by Kelly

Final Fantasy X

There's really only one thing you need to know about this game -- Tidus is a wanker. Oh yeah, and it's the first Final Fantasy for the PS2. And if I hear one more person bitch about the lack of an overworld map, I will have to kick him in the balls.

Last part posted:    Part 23 on 04.28.04 by Jeanne

Final Fantasy X-2

This Is Yuna's Story. It is also the story of a man named Tetsuya Nomura--former horny costume designer, current horny character designer--who dreamed of the sweet day when millions of cute young girls would wear skimpy outfits of his own creation. Thanks to Final Fantasy X-2 and cosplayers worldwide, his dream has come true. And there are lesbians.

Last part posted:    Part 9 on 02.17.13 by Sam

Final Fantasy Tactics

Welcome to Ivalice--a land where "What's your sign?" is still a viable pickup line and we finally get an answer to the universal question: "What would Final Fantasy be like if the characters were designed by Mattel?" Thin is in this year: No fatties allowed!

Last part posted:    Part 4 on 02.17.05 by Ryan

Grandia II

A sad story about a sarcastic and bitter young man who becomes a brainwashed, touchy-feely dolt. It's worse than FF7 and FF8's transformations combined. Plus there is not one, but two Mary Sues in the plot. Yay.

Last part posted:    Part 9 on 01.10.08 by Jeanne



Last part posted:    Part 1 on 04.01.07 by Ted

Kingdom Hearts

For those of you who needed even more evidence that the game designers at Squaresoft are smoking crack, here it is. Join Sora and his gang of Final Fantasy stereotypes as they traipse their way through the biggest merchandising cross-promotion of all time. It's Final Fantasy. It's Disney. It's making me crave alcohol.

Last part posted:    Part 16 on 04.27.14 by Sam

Legend of Dragoon

Legend of Dragoon, the Final Fantasy game - badly botched by Sony. Join our hero Clou - er, I mean Dart as he and his "friends" fight to save the world from a cackling, evil madman. What were the odds, huh?

Last part posted:    Part 10 on 08.19.05 by Kelly

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Before Wind Wanker Twink was even a cel-shaded twinkle in a game designer's dilated eye, there was another Twink -- the one that originally saved Hyrule from Ganondorf and his terrible skin. This is his story of courage -- the courage to face horrible dungeons and a boatload of Mary Sues who insist on stalking his sweet, sweet candy. If that weren't bad enough, he has to put up with this shit in two different timelines.

Last part posted:    Part 6 on 04.30.13 by Sam

Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker

Wind Wanker is different from other Zelda games in that instead of running around Hyrule, Link (Twink) traverses a vast ocean with a talking boat. Yeah. But just like in every other Zelda title, our pointy-eared hero is really, really gay. Ah, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Last part posted:    Part 12 on 01.22.06 by Jeanne

Lunar: Silver Star Story

Travel along with Alex and his Mary Sue, Luna, through the world of Lunar, as they discover their destinies, new friends and of course their twoo wuuv. Good vs. Evil, Magic vs. Technology, Incest vs. Necrophilia! This game has it all!

Last part posted:    Part 11 on 11.24.14 by Sam

Metroid: Other M

Metroid: Other M is supposed to provide a narrative bridge between Super Metroid and Metroid Fusion. But in reality, it's the story of Samus's boobs and their valiant efforts to break free of the oppressive spacesuit that restrains them. Amid all the jiggling, there's exactly one half of a murder mystery plot, some sublimated daddy issues, and a truly embarrassing motherhood leitmotif. Because SAMUS IS A LADY and LADIES HAVE ISSUES, Y'ALL.

Last part posted:    Part 1 on 07.02.11 by Ryan

Persona 4

There's a lot I could say about Persona 4, but at the risk of pissing off some of its more rabid devotees, let's just say it's Pokemon meets Cluedo meets one of those creepy obscure Japanese dating simulators and be done with it. Throw in an amazing soundtrack and more HoYay than you can shake a stick at, and we've got ourselves a game.

Last part posted:    Part 3 on 11.19.13 by Ben

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

When you think of stereotypically gay professions, things like "hairdresser" or "Broadway performer" probably come to mind. Not so much "lawyer," I would imagine. Well, buckle your seatbelts, because we're about to embark on Big Gay Phoenix's Big Gay Court Ride, and it's chock-fucking-full of gay lawyers, gay policemen, and gay pretty much anything you can think of. If your immediate reaction to this statement is to scream "Objection!" at me...well, read the recap for all the hard evidence you can handle.

Last part posted:    Part 11 on 02.17.14 by Sam

Silent Hill

Harry Mason's an ordinary man lost in the sleepy little town of Silent Hill, searching for his daughter Cheryl. Join me as I blunder my way through puzzles, traps, a rotate-forward controller scheme, and the overwhelming impression that the game designers were on a shit load of hallucinogenic drugs when they made this game. Nothing says "family friendly entertainment" like shotguns, chainsaws and killer zombie dogs.

Last part posted:    Part 3 on 02.17.07 by Kelly

Skies of Arcadia

The first time I read the term "Air Pirates," I was skimming, and thought it said "Ass Pirates." Ironically, the main character, Vyse, is the straightest RPG hero we've seen in a while. This game gets rid of some of the common RPG conventions -- mainly, you are now forced into random battles while flying your airship.

Last part posted:    Part 11 on 02.17.13 by Jeanne


The game you get when you cross Final Fantasy and Pokemon. It's the story of a young man named PUGGY!!! from a country where asses abound. His dad is one of the Great Generals of the Empire, and you know that means that PUGGY!!! will end up fighting against the Empire -- and his dad will die. It's not good to be a parental figure in an RPG.

Last part posted:    Part 12 on 06.11.11 by Jeanne

Suikoden II

Three years after the first game, the world of Suikoden still has a couple of things that haven't changed: Kobolds are still stupid and young men are still gay. Join our newest gay lovers, er, protagonists as they fight another pointless war because they have marbles embedded in their hands.

Last part posted:    Part 17 on 06.14.14 by Sam

Suikoden III

Fifteen years after the events of Suikoden II, the heroes of the Grasslands--one seriously fubar'd place to live--bear witness to yet another war and the quest for the True Fire Rune. Three times over. And yes, for the most part, young men are still gay.

Last part posted:    Part 13 on 08.06.14 by Sam

Suikoden IV

Life has become complicated for poor, sweet Marvin Gaye. One day everything's peachy--he's got a good job, a hot boyfriend and loyal butt buddies on the side. But after the trauma of receiving a Cursed Rune and going through a really bad breakup, suddenly he's broody, stuck out at sea, and chest-deep in Other People's Politics. And that Rune kinda sucks, too.

Last part posted:    Part 7 on 09.27.14 by Sam

Tales of Destiny

An old-skool style RPG involving a cast with big swords and even bigger hair. What lies in store for our intrepid heroes as they wander the land, deep in conversation with their weapons? Usually I'd say a one-way ticket to the nuthouse would be in order, but since this is a videogame, your guess is as good as mine.

Last part posted:    Part 3 on 06.23.11 by Ben

Tales of Symphonia

Welcome to a cutesy-looking, cel-shaded game which rivals Lunar for Dumbest Cast Ever. A game that shamelessly steals plotlines and characters from other well-known games, and the most original feature is that the Mary Sue isn't the white mage. Mix all that together with a boatload of effeminate men and an anvil-tastic discrimination storyline and we've got a recap.

Last part posted:    Part 4 on 01.22.10 by Jeanne

Valkyrie Profile

Lenneth Valkyrie traverses the world searching for fightey dead people and, shockingly, winds up suffering through all of their emotional baggage, too. It's like Xenosaga meets Suikoden meets my liquor cabinet up in here, so pour yourself something double-malt and join me as we listen in on hours of the most grating voice acting you've ever heard.

Last part posted:    Part 2 on 02.17.06 by Ryan

Wild ARMs

The first game in the underrated Wild ARMs series introduces us to the now-famous "play as 3 heroes" system, the tools system and the ARMs of the title. However, it also introduces us to a cast of insipid cookie-cutter characters, an unbearably clich? storyline and a collection of villains filched from 'Power Rangers'. Oh yeah, and it's the first RPG to have (allegedly) a Wild West theme. Like that's something to brag about.

Last part posted:    Part 6 on 09.18.13 by Ben

Wild ARMs 3

Things are looking grim in the dire, dire West -- bandits abound, vicious monsters terrorize the populace, and the once-verdant forests of Feelgayer are being eroded by barren wasteland. Four strangers and their PENISes hold the key to their world's survival, but they seem to be more interested in talking about birds. Oh, and annoying me as much as possible, but that should be a given.

Last part posted:    Part 3 on 02.17.13 by Ben


Welcome to the sci-fi world of tomorrow...TODAY! In Xenosaga Episode I, we meet Shion Uzuki, perhaps the gaming industry's finest example of why RPG heroes should always be men. She dimwits her way through a galaxy full of jargon and overwrought religious symbolism, accompanied by her pet lesbian robot. So if you're a fanboy in need of servicing, get ready for a virtual smorgasbord of boobs and panty shots!

Last part posted:    Part 13 on 02.17.12 by Sam

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