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"Margulis apparently knows something about her that she doesn't. Tapping his forehead, he tells her, 'But this part of you is a little different. We'd like to have a word with the man you have hidden inside of you.' I really don't know how to take that statement, but I can't find a non-sick way to take it. The (now obvious) midget man gasps, realizing his cover as a 12-year-old girl has been blown. Or something."
     -Sam, Xenosaga Part 5

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09.26.02 :: Where the wankers are

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to

Welcome back, VGR faithful, for another slightly late installment of the mailbag! Notice how we said "slightly late"? That's because it IS only slightly late. Even if you people have nothing better to do than hit the refresh button on the main page, we can assure you that we do. Don't get your panties in a bunch because we denied you "entertainment" for a few hours. You'll just get more wrath.


With that out of the way, our topic tonight is...oh, wait, we don't have one. We won't call tonight's column the Worst Mailbag Ever, since there's no doubt there will be worse mailbag installments after tonight. But we will call it the Worst Mailbag to Date. Last time we ever go without giving you people a topic. You need direction. That said, let's rumble.

Gayer than the ace of spades
May Zarquon Roast Your Souls in a Peanut Wagon!

How dare you all call me gay! Obviously I am not! Did I not dance with the strange girl at Cid's party, even though I didn't know she was Rinoa? Don't we show up in the logo together? Doesn't that prove it? You are all a bunch of perverts and ought to be ashamed of yourself. When my pal Seifer read your mailbag he wept on my shoulder, you wounded him so deeply! Curse you all! The costume and eyeshadow are all just for effect, you sick people. Don't you understand using clothes and makeup to make a statement against the authorities, you bone heads? And all those disgust references to gunblades and big swords! You people need to take cold showers. Really cold. Like in ice water. And hopefully keep your heads under water for an hour or two! You misunderstand EVERYTHING! Naturally, I go on my adventures with other guys, like Zell and Seifer and the disposable nameless blueshirted soldiers. You must have noticed what crappy fighters Rinoa and Quistis are and those boss monsters are tough, so of course I'd gang up with the toughest fighters I can find. I'm not into pain and dying after all! What you morons take for "gay antics" is just typical male bonding. If I was gay, I wouldn't have knocked up Rinoa, now would I? Siefer and I are just roommates to cut down on living expenses. THAT IS ALL! Now, thanks to you, Rinoa and Quistis can't look at me in the face without cracking up, and Seifer is so down he keeps talking about cutting his wrists. I must go make him feel better, the poor dear.

I do hope you are all just oh so proud of yourselves!
Squall Leonheart

Editor's Note: For some reason, poor Cat Slave has been deluged these past weeks with letters from troubled videogame characters. He, being a good sort, has passed them on to us. We've decided to answer one of them.

Squally, surely you know we never REALLY wanted to hurt you. But when you hang around your worst enemy responding to his coy "Come to me, sweet boy" gestures, you're bound to see where we may be a little, er, confused to your true sexual nature, right? And come to think of it, just when did you have the chance to knock up Rinoa? When she was comatose? I think that says more about you, my dear boy, than us. You spent three-fourths of your grand adventure bemoaning the fact that fate paired you with She of the Toothpick Gams, then did a complete turnaround that neatly coincided with the romantic music on the soundtrack, but made no narrative sense whatsoever. And just for the record, who said that all the girls couldn't fight? I recall Quistis doing a fair bit of damage with that chain whip, it's a pity she wasn't as good at deductive reasoning as she was at kicking monster ass. Now, go have a nice cup of chai and calm the hell down.


It's a freaking hammer
I have no idea why I said this was a debate. There is no debate. The Hammer Suit is the best suit there is. You have Hammers! You can throw them! You can kill Boo Diddlies and other before-unkillable enemies like Thwomps, Dry Bones, and Roto-Discs. And don't even let me get started on why it's the best. YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT YOU DIDN'T USE A WARP WHISTLE TO GO TO WORLDS 6 AND 7 JUST TO GET THAT SUIT! Who wants the Tanooki Suit? Oh, I know. Lita-Chan likes it. Well, I like it too, but follow these words closely: THE TANOOKI SUIT IS NOT, I REPEAT, IS NOT AS GOOD AS THE HAMMER SUIT! Oh, no other suit is as good as the Hammer Suit, either, so don't feel bad, LC. Good day.

*This has been another rant made by RPG2284. He does not speak for the company, RPG Maker Magazine, which is currently doing a collaboration with Video Game Recaps. RPG2284, while owner of RPG Maker Magazine, waives all rights to being a site owner while liquored up. Thank you.*

I'm going to sound like a seriously bitter bitch for the next few moments. If you don't like that, skip down to QF's letter. Thank you.

Ooooookay. Quick hint, sugar: acting like a haughty, pompous assclown is not going to win any respect for your "opinions." Oh, did I just call them opinions? I should call them "facts," since that's what you seem to think they are.

I'll go ahead and act like my opinions are concrete truths too, then: THE TANOOKI SUIT IS THE COOLEST SUIT EVER. IT HAS ALL THE FUNCTION OF THE RACCOON TAIL AND THEN SOME. IT MAKES MARIO LOOK LIKE A FURRY. FURRIES ARE THE BESTEST THINGS EVER. IF YOU NEED THE HAMMER SUIT TO DEFEAT YOUR ENEMIES THEN YOU MUST SUCK AT THE GAME. SO THERE. And just for the record, I never used the whistle just to get the Hammer Suit. I used it to get Kuribo's Shoe, you knob.

One more thing: this is AG's mailbag too, you know. We like to think we're cool enough that you readers will address your letters to both of us. Even if you're so amazingly awesome that you're "collaborating" with VGR.


Finally, a ray of light
All hail the Mailbag Divas!

I write to you with something I've been thinking about for the past few weeks. Have you ever watched a movie or a TV show (or read a book, or played a videogame) and had this funny feeling of having "seen this before"? Let me make a few examples:

The movie Minority Report, starring Tom Cruise, tells about an upstanding member of a law enforcement agency, who is framed by his boss and hunted down by the same people he had once worked with, while our lead slowly but surely uncovers the truth. Read that last sentence again, only replace "Minority Report" with "Mission: Impossible". Admittedly, though, M:I didn't have a mostly plausible view of the future, or the philosophical questions.

Final Fantasy VIII. Definitely an acquired taste, as there are those who like its narrative and battle mechanics, and those who think that Square designed it under the effects of drugs. The majority of the characters are very thin, almost anorexically so (Toothpick Legs, anyone?); the main character has repressed sexual issues; there's a school in which the female students have very short skirts, in which some students are set apart from the others (mostly by way of better uniforms) yet don't know the full scope of what they're getting into. Now replace "Final Fantasy VIII" with "Revolutionary Girl Utena", "Square" with "BE-PAPAS" and remove the contrived "hetero" ending. Yes, I was surprised too at first.

So anyway, has any of you ever found bizarre parallels between certain stories? I once read about FFX having similar themes to those found in Magic Knight Rayearth, and have also found some bizarre parallels between Suikoden II and Utena (then again, maybe that's just my being introduced to both stories at the same time).

~Quartz Falcon

QF, once again, you present a most interesting topic! I can't quite fathom the Suikoden II/Utena comparison, just because of the difference in cast size. Utena has a fairly large cast for an anime, but it doesn't hold a candle to Suiko II, even in terms of main characters only. But...Luca Blight=Saionji after Anthy dumped him. Oh yes.

Yes, there are MANY similarities in theme between MKR and FFX. I'd talk about that, but I want to leave ample discussion fodder for next week...



Once again, your insight amazes me. In fact, your letter has been the best damned topic suggestion that I've seen since Sailor Amalthea wrote in on a three-way with Squally! (Which according to that letter we've got just isn't him at all -- yeah, right!) I'm so pleased that I hereby award you this:

Go you!


We Mailbag Mistresses haven't had the best week, so our apologies if the column is so unfunny it depresses you into writing bad poetry. But honestly, don't be like that. It's just a friggin' letters column.

And to the love-lorn citizens of RPG Land that keep plaguing CS (and us) with their problems: you can stop now. Seriously, we have enough problems keeping the fanboys at bay. We just can't deal with all your sexual repression, kids.

At least, thanks to QF, we have a (obviously much needed) topic for next week: eerie videogame similarities. Ever played a game and been simply blown away by the parallels to another game, an anime, a movie, a BBC comedy? Ever wonder how these creators can get away with ripping off each others' ideas? We are NOT talking about videogame clich?s, we want to make that clear right now. Take QF's example, compose your d?j? vu stories, and send them to us by Tuesday, October 1. We're waiting to hear your insights!

Don't be a wanker!

- AG and Lita-chan

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