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"'Your Majesty! I'm afraid Cecilia has developed quite a rebellious air,' Baigan exposits bitchily, all in one text box. God, the problem with this game (aside from the dialogue) is that the characters try to squeeze a whole cutscene's worth of exposition into one sentence. Therefore, the result is akin to what would happen if Roseanne Barr tried to fit into a pair of Calista Flockhart's panties. God, my blind mind's eye is now burning."
     -Ben, Final Fantasy IV Part 1




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08.28.02 :: Soylent Green is people

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of videogamerecaps.com. Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to mailbag@videogamerecaps.com

Welcome, dear readers, to the biggest chair-bashing, boot-stomping, moonsaulting VGR Mailbag EVER! If you can't tell from the last sentence, our topic this week is Final Fantasy Tag Team Wrasslin' Action. It's one thing to be the baddest of the bad (*cough*Sephiroth*cough*) but it's quite another to team up with someone of equal caliber and kick some ass, teamwork-style. Do the tag teams our VGR faithful sent in make the cut? Or would they be Swanton Bombed into oblivion? Well, you'll have to sift through a few off-topic (but worthwhile) letters before you find out. So there!

Life sucks when you're gorgeous and rich
Dear Mailbag Matrons,

I am a sixteen-year-old princess, going on seventeen and my life is the pits. First of all, my adopted "mother" is a troll or frog or something who has raised me to follow in her footsteps, which is really disgusting because she leaves a trail of slime wherever she walks. I wish somebody would dump a pickup load of salt on her! So I ran away with a gang of theiving actors and took up with the only one the lot who was worth a damn, even though he has a tail. Yes. A tail! He can do things with his tail that would make a sailor blush. I know this to be true because I saw him use it to make a sailor blush one time. So maybe he isn't perfect, but he's not bad for my first boyfriend ever. But then my mother's Captain of the Guard saw fit to start tagging along to protect my morals and boy is he ever a drag. Plus I've caught him playing with a Princess Garnet action figure...yuck! You don't ever want to catch your loyal subjects trying to pry the skirt off a doll of yourself! If that isn't enough, my boyfriend thinks "showing a girl a good time" means traveling the world, exploring dungeons, and digging up treasure with a damn bird, and sticking his nose in places it doesn't belong (but not where I'd LIKE him to stick his nose) and enraging huge monsters which we have to fight. Worse yet, as if I wasn't enough for him, he's recruited a large circle of hangers-on including giant rats with spears, a troll with a five foot long tongue and gender issues, a little black mage who everybody thinks is SOOOOO CUTE it gives me cavities, and a little Lolita unicorn girl who immediately declared she was my boyfriend's bride! Now I can't get a moment alone with him, not to mention that Sir Action Figure insists on following me into the bushes to "protect" me from monsters whenever I have to relieve myself! Personally, I'd prefer the monsters! I told myself that at least my life was no longer boring. Then we came upon this big monster thingy that was trying to eat the world or something else just as bad, and my boyfriend decided we had no option than to take it on ourselves, rather than heading back to Alexandria and raising an army or two and letting them handle it. We had one wonderful night together which almost made the whole thing worthwhile. Then, my boyfriend threw his life away to defeat the monster, leaving us all behind. I got drug back to Alexandria, which my mother managed to trash before she bought the big one, and they made ME queen and I have to clean up the mess everybody else made, even though I no more want to be Queen than I want to eat a bug. My boyfriend is still among the missing and my period is very, very, very late.

Can you help me?

-- Dagger

Dear Mrs. Bighead,

I'd say something about certain people just having a bad lot in life, but Frog-Mom, Pervy-Bodyguard and Monkey-Boyfriend or not, you're still a princess/queen in the lap of luxury, and even though you have The World's Most Gigantic Head, you were blessed with looks, too. It seems like it's always the snobbish royal types that ignore the good things in life and wallow in self-pity, and then ignore any fault of their own for their predicament! It takes two to tango, sweetheart, and you can't blame your man entirely for your, erm, "problem." But hell, if it makes you feel any better, *SPOILER!!!* he'll be back anytime to take care of you and your soon-to-be rugrat. In short, QUIT YER BITCHIN'!

-LC

Garnoa,

Honey, what did your mother tell you about running around with horny monkey-boys? As you?ve learned the hard way, it?s all true. Now, Mummy dearest may have had a bit of a complexion problem, true. And she may have wanted to control the entire world, also true. But, can you really blame her? It?s not her fault that the game designers had to make the one fat chick the evil, soul-sucking, world-dominating bitch. That?s what fat chicks do; take it from me. Now, as for your missing boyfriend, well, once you get the place tidied up, he?ll come running back to you in no time, so no worries there. Sir Rust-a-lot just needs a good night with a willing woman to clear up his residual ?protection? issues. I?d suggest sending him over to the Captain of Mumsie?s guards, though God only knows what she sees in him. In any case, since there won?t be a sequel, you needn?t worry your head about any Zidane Jr. running around.

Oh, and one last thing my dear. Never, never, never rip on my baby Vivi. Otherwise Auntie AG will be very angry, and you don?t want that, now do you?

Huggies,
-AG

Seymour's dream come true
Dere Video Game Vamps,
I am a young girl who grew up all alone in a mystic village with only a bunch of moggles for company. I got to be guardian of the mystical murals of something or other than my people left behind. You'd like em. They make the Karmel Sutra reed like a Little Lulu comic book and they got pictures an everything, so my edducashun was not neglected let me tell you. Well, a group of heros come along to read the murals and wow, let me tell you that Zidane is one hot kitty! A guy with a tail and me with a unicorn horn? The perfect match! Well, what does a girl have to do? I wear the most reveeeling clothes the game designers will let me get away with, I cook him a real mean oglop stew, and even lay out his blankets for him in the evening. I even roll out my blankets next to his but do you think he gets the hint? Oh well he is blonde and we all know whut that means. Since he don't like boys more than girls it meens he is a moron so I try to make allowances. Still I have done everything except put up a neon sigh sayin' "I is available!" and wearing a placcurd sayin "Take Me I'm Yores!" The problem is that there is this dopey girl hanging on his arm. She thinks she is a real princess and acts it, too, but all she got goin' for her is a d-cup push-up bra let me tell you. Still all the guys spent all their time trying ta look down her top or cop a feel and pay me no mind at all. Worse yet, she got this "Big Sister" complex an is always telling me to put on more clothes and sit ladylike and eat my vegtubles and stuff. I want to kill her she is such a whiner. She is useluss in a fight too. I can take care of myself, since I can summon real neat beests to fight for me, and I take every oppurtunity to show her up. No sooner than the big Z realizes how good I am in a fight, than Miss Princess decides she is a unicorn girl too and begins to copy me. I'm like ten years old and this sixteen year old has to copy me to get the guy's attention how is that for pathetic? She wears her top unbottoned and pushed down off her sholders too so all the guys get a good look at what little she has to offer. Whin I tried to dress like that, my clothes just fall down around my ankles. She is shameless I hate her. But I tell you I got my revenge. She knowed I had lotsa years to memorize all them murals, see, so she come and asked me if I knew any ways for a girl to protect herself and she wasn't talkiing about fighting if you know what I mean. So I told her to stand on her head after, douche with cold water and not to worry because it never, ever happens on the first time. The big dope bought it! It almost made it worthwhile when I cot her in the bushes with my Zidane, doin the sort of stuff them murals is all about. Then my problems rilly started because Zidane went off and got himmself kilt probably because he realized what a stupid thing in done porking HER when he had a hot little cutie like me just hurrying to grow up for him! Worse yet, she turns out to be a real Princess after all and they make her a Queen and she drags me off to live with her in a castel. It is disgusting cause they all treet her like some Virgin Goddess and I could tell them different for sure. Well I cot her counting the days on the calendar and sighing after Zidane alot, and none of her clothes fit her well any more, the big dope believed me and pretty soon everybody will know that their virgin princess is nothing but a slut and it serves her right for getting my Zidane kilt off. I said I was gonna tell on her when she got me riled, and now she bundled me off to live with King Cid and his wife. He is nuthing but an oglop! I'd sooner call a dungbettle father I tell you! Worse yet, I am getting love letters from some perv named Seymore who says he's from a Final Fantasy X game. What's a girl to do?

--- Eiko Granny Bakewear (Please keep my rea;l name a secret, damm ths typeritter!)

Dear EGB: Both you and Princess Garnet sent your mail to the wrong address. I will forward your letters to Lita-chan and Auron's Girl. Maybe they can help you better than I can. All I can tell you is that you are out of luck. First of all, you are near the end of the script and Square doesn't make sequels so you'll just have to make the best you can of what time you have left. I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but there is a happy reunion in store for Princess G and the Big Z, and you are not in the picture. Try to cope and stay away from Seymour! Try to forgive Miss Garnet, too. She has come to the end of her script as well and she has no more future than you do, except in raunchy fanfics and in Jeanne's hilarious recaps. Nobody ever said life was fair, be you human, pixels or polygons.
CS3

Eiko,

CS covered a fair bit of what I wanted to say, but here goes, anyway. Just accept it: Monkey Boy is not yours for the taking. He's already got a wealthy, powerful woman who is *ahem* more suited to his "tastes." Furthermore, why is it that you want him so badly? Honestly, Zidane never did it for me. A lecherous monkey in funny clothes? C'mon, Eiko, you can do better. You've got a horn on your forehead. I can point you in the direction of the men of Final Fantasy 8, who would love to have a go at that. For being a straight girl, you'd fit in rather well with those guys.

-LC

Dear Eiko,

Cat Slave 3 has done us justice indeed. You should heed his advice with a willing, er, mind. The fact that I made it all the way through your missive only shows the respect that I bear for the man. Ow, ow, ow. I know concussed badgers that have a better grasp of spelling and grammar than you, my poor deluded Lolicon. Do me a favor. Stop staring at those funny murals and invest in a nice "Dick and Jane" primer. We?ll be so grateful you did, kupo.

Hooked on Phonics worked for me,
-AG

Wrestling with Jesus
I can take all the gay jokes and ass pirates. But Final Fantasy Wrestling??? That's just wrong on oh so many levels! I think the ulitimate tag team would be Cait Sith and Mog. They have no catchphrase because all Mog can say is "Kupo!" but their most devastating and only attack is their "2 of the 3 Stooges" move. While Cait Sith lures the opponents into chasing him by running away wildly chanting "Woooo Wooooo Wooooo", Kupo dashes in and kneecaps them with a lead pipe. Since you can't run or fight with broken kneecaps, match over! Not even Squally and Seifer's "Two Manly-Man Hold Me Down and Hurt Me" attack cannot stand up to it!
CatSlave3

CS,

I would go into a super-serious wrestling fanperson tirade about how there's nothing wrong or gay about wrestling, but you were so vague in your insistence on its wrongness that I really have nothing to go from. So I'll let it go this time. Otherwise, I like the Cait Sith/Mog pairing. Not only is your strategy somewhat sound--though the lead pipe bit would need to be behind the ref's back, since it's so blatantly illegal--but most opponents would take quite a bit of time to overcome the sheer weirdness of these two. A little cat creature with bat wings and...well, Cait Sith.

-LC

Um, Catslave my dear, I don?t think that it would be the kneecaps Mog would be hitting in a battle with Squally and Seifer! Just a thought.

-AG

A fangirl fantasy team
Hello all.

When presented with the challenge of finding the perfect tag team wrestling partners from the Final Fantasy series, I immediately tried to figure out a pair which hadn't been used before and would cleverly show my true wit.

Having failed that, I just decided to pit two of them in a traditional High School Grappling Wrestling match. Enjoy the mental image. ^^

*Squall and Seifer are grappling in a traditional wrestling match. No different from what they normally do, just with clothes on this time. They seem to be at a deadlock, and since this match is untimed, this could go on for quite a while.*

~Alex Magusaka

You know Alex, I think that image is going to stick with me for a long time. Now I know why all the pretty boys I knew in school were on the wrestling team.

-AG

Zuh? That's weird, AG. At my high school, most of the pretty boys played baseball. *giggle* Anyway, Alex, a thousand thanks for that wonderful depiction. I might just have to play some FF8 before I go to bed.

-LC

A fanboy fantasy team
Here are the ideas that I had for the "RPG Celebrity Deathmatch" thread, which is basically a free-for-all kill-fest I started in April. I recently brought it back up, so I hope I can keep it up this time! :)

Well, anyway, here it is (with my favorite team-up at the bottom).

Editors' Note: RPG2284 sent in to us quite a few of his Celebrity Deathmatch-style musings, and all of them are very funny. But for space considerations, we chose to edit out the ones that can already be found in this thread at the VGR forums. We did leave one in for your enjoyment.

Blue Magix Mishap
Contenders: Kimahri, Freya, Quistis, Gau
Location: Plains

The match starts off with Gau finding a small enemy in a cloak and disappears from battle. Meanwhile, Freya and Quistis are squaring off. Freya tries to use her lance, but Quistis cracks her leather whip on her. Kimahri, finding the action quite engaging, feels an energy he's never felt before and his spear grows 2 feet longer. Feeling much more confident now with a bigger spear, Kimahri runs into the fray to attack the two women. Turning around, they notice how big his spear really is. Freya and Quistis decide to call a truce, seeing that they would never be able to take on that much spear. They attack Kimahri. No matter how much he tries to beat them with his spear, they keep the pressure up. Feeling that he has no choice, Kimahri turns to his blue magic, taking in a deep breath and exhaling to ready himself. Just as he's about to start the spell, they start coughing and end up dropping to the ground, dying. Before she dies, Quistis says, "That was a cheap trick, using a Malboro's Bad Breath attack....", and gives out. Obviously, Spira doesn't produce toothpaste. Feeling mildy embarrassed, but victorius anyway, Kimarhi turns from their bodies and feels a sharp pain in his stomach only for an instant, and then drops dead on the grassy dirt of the plains, his eyes open and glossy looking at a boy. It was Gau, with a knife in hand. It seems that Gau had found a Tonberry. With the battle over, Gau leaves to hassle some travelers for some Dried Meat.

Gau wins!

Now for my fantasy team-up!

My ultimate FF team:

Tifa Lockhart and Lulu

My reason:

These girls have it going on for themselves: they're young, have amazing beauty, and well-endowed (in their respective combat styles. What were you thinking about?) With Tifa rushing in to deliver the smackdown to enemies while keeping her balance e_e; , Lulu could cast powerful black magic. That'd be a perfect team.

Okay, well this isn't really a tag-team (which I believe WAS our topic this week, kids), but with such inventive use of crossovers and some really funny bits, who am I to complain? Well done, RPG2284.

-AG

The Celebrity Deathmatches are hilarious, and I encourage all our readers to, uh, read them...and stuff. As for your tag team, I like the way you think, young one. Though I think Lulu would be the dominant member *snicker*, I can see how their "assets" as tag teamers would lead to many, many, many victories. To those of you who watch wrestling, I would call this the "Stacy Keibler Effect." With tits.

-LC

My old man?
I'm aware that you'll be getting these particular entries a lot, but I just had to put in my 2 cents:

One FF character who would lend himself well to the manly art of wrasslin' is none other than Tidus' not-so-proud pappy, Jecht. Any attack of his would be a special attack (Jecht Punch, Jecht Kick, Jecht Noogie, Jecht Grab, Jecht Throw, Jecht Chair-to-the-head); he's arrogant enough (watch him taunt a defeated opponent with "What, you're gonna _cry_ again?"); and he could bring in Auron as his reluctant tag-team companion. Or Tidus, but only if the opponent brought a midget sidekick. His finishing move? The Ultra Magnificent Grand Slam Jecht Drop, which combines, in the following order, the Jecht Grab, the Jecht Shake, the Jecht Throw, and a variation of the normal Jecht Drop in which Jecht takes to the air, does a manly twirl and falls on the poor soul below with the power of a Final Aeon. The fact that he resembles Randy "Macho Man" Savage in his better days is a plus.

Auron too, would make a good "strong, silent" wrestler. He could use a repertoire of sumo moves, demoralize opponents by way of carefully chosen plot twists ("Sin is Jecht," "RuPaul is a man," "Soylent Green is made of people," "Luke, HE is your father," "I know what you did last summer" and of course "Squall ends up with Rinoa"), and cripple foes with his finishing move, the Banishing Blow, in which he grabs the victim by the neck with one hand, and does a rapid gut punch with the other.

As for Tidus...he's there to get his butt kicked. Badly.

~Quartz Falcon

QF, honey, I'm an old woman. Don't do that to my poor aching sides ever again. The thought of hearing Auron shout, "Soylent Green is made from PEOPLE!!" is enough to send me into peals of hysterical laughter the likes of which my poor redneck neighbors across the street have never seen. Please, they're frightened of me as it is.

-AG

QF, Lord of the FF Tag Team Scene,

Like AG, I was this close to suffering cardiac arrest while reading your letter. I would PAY to hear Auron say the Soylent Green line. You slay me, boy! Also, you get MAD props for very aptly comparing Jecht to the Macho Man. I'm amazed that I never drew that comparison before myself. But...shouldn't that be the Ultra Magnificent Grand Slam Jecht Drop Mark III?

Jecht and Auron (not Jecht and Tidus, sorry, no) would definitely work as a tag team. Brawn, brains (well, Auron) and good personalities. I'm sold. So sold, in fact, that I'm giving you this!

You earned it, QF! Go you!

-LC


Thanks to everyone who wrote in over these last two weeks for thoroughly entertaining us. You guys deserve a gold star! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...OUR picks for best Final Fantasy Tag Team.

AG's Pick: FFX's Cid and Barrett

Why? Because I wanted to, that?s why. But in all truth, you?ve got two big tough men in weird outfits, with grumpy dispositions to match. The catchphrase would be ?Yee Haw! Here we f**king go!? Their signature move would be the ?Double Bitch Slam,? where Cid would throw the poor hapless opponent over his shoulders in a pseudo kung fu throw and Barrett would pummel the poor sod with that arm of his. Then they?d go out for beer and pizza.

Lita-chan's Pick: Kuja and Seymour

I know, I am a very sick little girl. And that's the exact message I think these two would convey. That is, they are very sick little girls. Their tag team name would be the "Not-So-Ambiguously Gay Duo." They would have memorable catchphrases like "Don't you just LOVE my hair?" and "Do these pants make me look fat?" I envision submission choke holds (illegal, of course, as they're baddies) implementing Kuja's tail and Seymour's hair. And, of course, they'd be a bitch to defeat, as they never quite want to die. Either that, or all their opponents would take one look at them and forfeit in disgust. They'd have those tag titles in NO TIME FLAT.

We'd happily encourage someone to take all of these tag teams and write up a fictional Tables, Ladders and Chairs match. That would be most fun to read.

With our topic out of the way, we've got a new one for you letter-writing maniacs, inspired by one of RPG2284's entries: blue mages. Which one is your favorite? Why? Are you basing it on their character, their power, or their appearance? Does Kimahri totally own Quina, or would Quistis wipe the floor with them all? Think about your answers, and then use White Wind to blow them our way. We can't wait to read more!

Oh yeah, and Soylent Green is Wankers.

- AG and Lita-chan

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