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"Vyse and the others have to fight two little magician guys along with the executioner. The magicians do annoying things like cast attack boosting spells on the big guy. This sucks royal amounts of ass, and only my mad gaming skillz and the five or so levels I built give me any advantage whatsoever. Otherwise, I'd be as screwed as Cloud in the Honeybee Inn."
     -Jeanne, Skies of Arcadia Part 4

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08.20.05 :: A Wellspring of Wankers

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to

Welcome back to the revived-from-long-ass-hiatus mailbag, ladies and gents! Let's just assume we had smelling salts at the ready to revive you all from your fainting spells. Yes, we know, it has been a while, as many of you have kindly and persistently reminded us. (Out of love, we're sure.) In fact, it's been so long that we're not sure we remember how to make fun of stupid emails anymore!

...Just kidding. Let's get to the mail!

Corrupting minors
Hey, your driving me crazy...

My friend was reading your site and I go the link off him, i've read several of your recaps, and they are funny. I liked the ffx-2 one (coz' its so true), I read the FF8 one with the whole squall/siefer and left to do other things.

But now I have a problem. I see homo erotic-ness everywhere. My friend went onto a site about them music, I burst out laughing at the theme tune for Earthworm Jim because of his phallic head. "Dr. Gadget"? don't even go there. Go go Gadjet! Aaagh!! Did the you know in the theme tune for animaniacs someone clearly says "cock"?! You do, don't you!

Yeah whatever, because of you sick, sick people I'm slowly losing my already tenous grip on reality. I might never be able to play an RPG again. Everything in an innuendo, and I mean everything dammit! I need help!

Young impressionable people like me (okay i'm 17...) need to be protected...

Ban this filth!

Believe me, we at VGR can generally relate to your predicament. When you start watching Law & Order and thinking Jack McCoy and Dr. Skoda are, like, totally hot for each other--the mind-blowing awesomeness of such a thing aside--you probably have an overactive (but fun) imagination.

On the other hand, from your email it is clear you are taking a mind-altering drug of some kind. Quitting that might help you mentally cope with your new innuendo-sensing powers. Just sayin'.


Barring that, please stop drinking those damned "Doubleshot" things by the case before you sit down to write us an email, okay, Sparky?


A dangerous question
If you had an opportunity to create your own RPG what would it be about and how would the story progress?

It would be the quest of a young goatherd named Shufti and his magic flute. Badgers may also be involved. And Twizzlers.

Just don't ask about the wildebeast, and you'll be fine.


I think an RPG based on Burger Time would be awesome. The hero, a pimply patty-flipper at the local fast food establishment, would go on a quest to make The World's Best Burger. He would have to travel through the Forest of Romaine, Mount Heinz (a volcano which spews ketchup), the Bacon Flats, and Guacamole Cavern. His arch nemesis would be Jared from the Subway ads. And when he finally completed his majestic, greasy life's work, he would receive the Sacred Power and morph into the Burger King. (Yeah, that plastic guy from the commercials. He reminds me of the King of All Cosmos.)



VGR = GameFAQs? Part 2584
Dear Sam,

Can you really tell me what the pattern for the next few levels? PPPLLLLEEEEEAAAASSSEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, seriously, guys. We get emails like this. And I promise you that this is the whole thing, so no, there is no indication of what game this person's even talking about, let alone is there an explanation for why this person would choose to write to me instead of going to GameFAQs.

But just a stab in the dark here: if you get the whistle in the Level 1-3 you can skip ahead all the way to World 4. And World 4 is cool. It has giant Goombas.


My advice to you is this:

1. Drink heavily
2. Get lost in the game a few hundred times
3. Swear a lot
4. Repeat step 1 until you manage to actually get somewhere else in the game by sheer dumb luck.

Stop looking at me like that. You know I'm right.



Well, there's nothing wrong with . But is a wanker. Let's get that straight.

Does anyone know where TIBUCKTO is?


Timbuktu, oh caps-lock using letter-writer, the name of the place is Timbuktu. If you're going to use an exotic place name in a poorly written email, at least do it the favor of getting its name right. For the record, there's nothing wrong with us, though you should have perhaps paid more attention in World Geography. English class, too.

P.S. We know how to spell "Tidus." We just like it better the other way. Duh.


Girls r dum
I've been playing the game myself for a while before I found your site. Yesterday, I accidentally hit one of the optional bosses before I was ready, and before I went down in flames, I found myself thinking of the possible recap possibilities.

If you go back to Agrabah late in the game, you have the opportunity to fight "Kurt Zisa". The boss with two giant glass balls.

'Nuff said.

Ever since the Kingdom Hearts recap started, the Mailbag has been inundated--by our standards--with emails asking us when the recap will be done, flames regarding our unfair bashing of our favorite Tidus offspring, and, our personal favorite, the "Did you know about this detail in the game???" emails. For we are dumb girls who do not know how to play videogames without someone to help us. I'll level with you, guys--I've never even played the game! My recaps are based on Kingdom Hearts: The Novel. I have no idea why Hunter S. Thompson would have wanted to write a novelization of a videogame, but it does explain where a lot of the plot points are coming from.


Oh, ferchrissakes. Once Sam comes down off the angel dust and gets back from her fear and loathing in Las Vegas, we'll finish the goddamned KH recaps. Just don't count on those nifty optional bosses and their glass balls to figure prominently in the mix, no matter how many internet-cookies you try to earn by telling us about them. Hell, I'll be happy if I can finish the Ansem fight without a constant chorus of "tentacoo wape!!" invading my brain.


And...that's it! Sure, it's not the longest mailbag ever, but we're working with what we've got, at least the ones that make some kind of sense and don't boil down to some little wanker replacing our avatar images with a swastika flag and writing "OMG U SUK!!!111!!" to us ten times a day from his Hotmail account. We hope you enjoyed reading it as much as we enjoyed making you wait not-so-patiently for it. Until next time!
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