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"Shion drops the gun and drops to her knees. No, there's no man standing in front of her when she does this."
     -Sam, Xenosaga Part 4

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08.29.03 :: Happy Birthday to the Mailbag!

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to

Hoyyyyyyyy, readers! It's time for the VGR Mailbag birthday spectacular! It's a little belated, because LC started school and her brain had a small meltdown. But we've got a lot of great letters to share, and the results of our LiveJournal icon contest! Read on for gooey birthday wishes, a few off-topic letters, and icons that are bringin' teh foonay!

But before we get to the letters, we would like to extend a hearty Mailbag welcome to VGR's newest recappers, Ben, Ryan and Robyn (who will soon be recapping Valkyrie Profile). We're thrilled to be adding to the VGR Family without all that painful labor business. So, bienvenue!

Warm and fuzzy
Well, so far, I've only read recaps by Jeanne, Sam and Kelly. (The FF ones, KH and LOD.) I have to say, you guys are amazing. A friend of mine introduced me to the site (we'd both just gotten LOD, apparently she was looking for FAQs and ran into this place. Hardly a FAQ, but a hell of a lot better.) and I'm just mildly hooked. I can understand all the time spacing too. Writing takes time, especially the humor you all put out in every single page. Keep up the great work guys (Ok. Girls. Unless you're still gay shut ins? *blinkblink* ****kidding**** ), I'll still be reading!

Thanks for the laughs,

A gay shut in? Heavens no! I'm an accountant. On sunny days I sit in my cube and dream of the life of gay shut in with a pain in my heart that feels like tiny steel claws ripping my innards asunder. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. And to answer your other point, yes, the works of snark do sometimes take longer to bring to fruition than we'd like, but judging from your letter, they're worth the wait. Think of it as a vinter, uncorking a prime Chardonay. Good snark has to mature and age and then flow freely, picking up notes of irony, cynicism, a delicate acerbic bite and a rounding out of bitterness before it's shipped off and displayed to you fine readers. We post no recap before its time, so sit back and enjoy.


Nothin' says lovin' like positive recap feedback. Thank you, Lisa! And do be sure to read all the site's recaps--it makes us happy, because they're all fantabulous.


Warm and fuzzy pt. 2
Hello VGR peoples,

I just wanted to write 'n' say that I've recently found your site and nearly died of asphyxiation by the second part of the FFX recap, I was laughing so hard. Thanks to recommending you guys, I am now a fully embraced member--wait, that didn't sound Thanks to recommending your site, people think that I am now awesome and all that.

You also rock 'cause Auron's one of the few who escaped your rippage wrath. Go you.

Keep up the great work!
draKehho (yups, obsessed FFX fan)

Oh, I'm sure Auron will get his ripping as we go further into Jeanne's recaps of FFX. (And oy, does that ever sound wrong and painful.) No character is safe, not even when one of her fellow recappers begs for mercy, and not even for the love we girls bear the Red Coated Stud. It's gratifying to know that you're increasing your social acceptance meter by recommending a site that shatters fanperson illusion and spends so much of its time discussing ass rape. Makes me wonder about the crowd you hang out with, young person, it really does.


Hell, like AG said, no character is going to get away clean. Eventually, even my beloved Jr. is going to get the treatment. (I'm sure a lot of you are going to take that the wrong way.) No character is perfect, unless it's a Mary Sue, and of course we HAVE to rip on those. So no matter who it is, even our beloved Auron, they're going to do or say something stupid at some point.


Warm and fuzzy pt. 3
Happy Mailbag Birthday!

I can't be like some gamer who sends in to the magazines things like "playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater Retread 2007 saved my life when I slipped on the ice because...." I will say that the mailbag has helped me weather some real tough times over the last year... serious illness, death in the family, etc. I always knew where I could go to read something that would cheer me up, when things were glum or even when things are jolly! And of course, having Jeanne, AG and Lita-Chan telling me on occasion to remove my cranium from my nether regions with choice bits of sarcasm was alway a help also! My best to you all, and I will eat an entire cake in the mailbag's honor. I tried to attach a piece to this email, but it got jammed in the modem.

Sorry! :-D

Oof, an entire cake? Jeez, CS, save some for the rest of us! Glad to hear that the mailbag at least brings a little cheer to the world, despite the dark, brooding gay pubescent men with small penises who write it these days. And we're glad to tell you to stop acting like a moron whenever the need arises. For example, what have we told you about ripping on sports games? You'll just never learn!


S'okay, CS. We're always glad to oblige you, cake or no. Maybe this year we can get you to stop putting down all sports games? We really do like some of them, and if you keep doing it, you're going to make baby Jesus cry. You don't want to do that.


Dear Mailbag-

Happy Birthday to you,
We hate Mary Sues,
Marlboros bite the big one,

Dearest Kelly and Sam-

Between Mini-game forums, discussing the blatant homosexuality in most modern-day RPG heroes, and even responding to spam, it's hard to believe the first year went by so quickly. I hope know you gals can keep it going strong in year two!

Enjoy, and Happy Birthday!

Well, aren't you just the SWEETEST? SINCERLY FUCK US? Awww, I am totally feeling the love over here. But I expect no less from my Official Minion and Spreader of the Shion-Hate.


And there it is, folks. The. Best. Birthday. Song. EVAR. Such wit, and it must be mentioned, such past mailbag whoring! I weep in joy.


Alternate universe mailbag

Man, I can't believe it's already been a year since the mailbag started. To think that back then, AG and LC, the Acronymous Mailbag Divas, had yet to join Mrs. Rubbo in the recapping biz (and Ms. Label had yet to show her taste for HAWT BOIZ).

Anyway, here's a question: assuming that you fine ladies hadn't been chosen by Jeanne for the mailbag, who would you have seen as worthy replacements?

~Quartz Falcon (who is neither gay nor pubescent, but is male and can't get any...sleep ;) )

HAWT BOIZ, you say? Why, QF, whatever do you mean? True, I may find the likes of Jr. and Riku, erm, aesthetically, screw it. I'm so going to hell.

But I'm comforted that most of my friends will be hanging out there, too. Party!


QF, honey, I honestly don't know. I think Jeanne had 2 trained monkeys slotted as the mailbag hosts, but then she found out that Sam and I work cheaper and we're don't bring her pidgin snippets of Shakespeare all the time, either. We save that for the recaps.


Topic suggestion
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday Dear VGR!
Happy Birthday to you!

I was going to make a super-duper animated gif, but unfortunately, every time I tested out the gif, the damned colours ended up really, really weird. So, I'm going to play with it a bit, and just send these birthday wishes for now.

But you know, something worth thinking bestest friend in the world just got his hands on a copy of Silent Hill 3. Not only have I not seen him in several days, he won't answer his phone, and when I drive by, I see pizza boxes piling up in the trash thingy outside his house. Supposedly, this game is really short, but since I'm a bit of a wuss, and the piss-your-pants factor is pretty high in the Silent Hill Series, I can't say for sure. I'm wondering what the greatest extreme some gamers have gone to for a specific game in general? Like...did they camp outside GameStop so they could buy FFX when it came out? Did they pump themselves full of Dr. Pepper, and amphetamines for a week, just so they could finish A Link to The Past? Did they buy Mario cereal, for god's sakes?

You asked for possible Mailbag topics. If you guys have covered it, then just take the birthday wishes and go on with it. If not..maybe one to consider?

Oh, by the by...I'm sorry I ruined the surprise in Suikoden, AG, and LC. Excellent of case of "Foot in Mouth and Halfway Down Throat."


Wow, and another song! Granted, it's a little more traditional (and it's the mailbag's birthday, sweetie, not the whole site's), but we appreciate the sentiment. And thanks for the topic...we like it! It stays.

Oh, and no need to apologize to me personally--I'd already beaten Suikoden III by then. Now I'm just nagging AG to start playing it. And II. And to finish I. NAAAAG!


Sounds like a good topic to me, Ruby. I think we'll take it! I remember having Rainbow Brite cereal once as a kid, and that was the most vile concoction of sweetened rice cereal ever to rear it's ugly, red dye #5 contaminated head in the mid '80s. Ralston Purina made it, and it was my first lesson in smart shopping. Never buy your kid a breakfast cereal from the same company where you buy your dog food. It's served me well, and I hope it serves you, too.

Thanks for the birthday wishes, and don't worry about the Suiko stuff. I'll probably forget it by the time I get that far into the game, anyway.


And now we're happy to present the entries in our LJ icon contest, starting with the winning image! Congrats to Rynoah for busting us up with this hilarious icon:

by Rynoah

Rynoah, as the big winnah, will receive a splendiforous gift certificate from! Congrats, Ry!

And here are the rest of the entries, which are all highly funny, in the opinion of your Mailbag Divas. Check the alt tags on each image for the name of the person who submitted it.

by Rynoah by Aute by Zarrah by Killraven by Killraven by Killraven by Ryan by Ryan by Ryan by Ryan

Thanks to everyone who sent in either a birthday greeting or icons for the contest. We hope you folks have enjoyed seeing them as much as we liked judging them. And now it's time for all of you to put your Official Mario Plumber Hat? on and tell us the undiluted, unvarnished truthful truth. What's the most crazy thing you've ever done in the name of gaming? Did you stay out all night in the rain to get a PS2? Did you ever try to finish Xenogears in one sitting? Have you ever dressed up like Link and not been a gay club dancer? We want to know no later than Friday, September 5 at 8:00 pm EST, so don't keep us waiting!

- AG and Lita-chan

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