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"'I'm in love!' Milly sighs, practically grinding against the perplexed Aslan. I don't think he has the heart to tell her that he prefers parking his bike up the dirt track. Still she throws herself at him, asking him to join their group. Aslan isn't joining up with anyone -- like, bitch, please, he has to form his own party."
     -Ben, Tales of Destiny Part 2

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07.12.03 :: It's Poll-a-licious!

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to

Bienvenidos, cats and kittens, to the first EVAR VGR Poll Mailbag! We set you, our faithful readers, to the task of giving us your opinions on such critical questions as, "What's with all the gay jokes?" You rose to the occasion (not like that) admirably, and now we're here to assess (heh, ASSess) the results. Without further ado, let's see what you had to say!

Note: All the percentages have been rounded up to the nearest point. So please, no emailing us to tell us our math is off or anything. AG's an accountant. She'd disembowel you.

Why is Kimahri so silent?
He won't open his mouth for fear that he'll spill his affair with Yuna

How many people need to rip on Tidus at once?

Jaws wired; trying to watch his figure

Emulating Auron's silent bad-ass style, but without the booze

AG's response - Ah, that's what I like to see, Auron winning by a landslide! Fuzzybutt was almost as cool as the Red Coated Studmuffin, but the wings threw me for a loop. Still, it was great that the three coolest members of the FFX party spent all their time ripping chunks out of Wanker-Boy, Jr. as often as they could.

LC's response - I've always wondered if there's a reason for Auron's alcoholism--you know, other than the fact that he's traveling with Tidus, Yuna, Wakka and Rikku. Maybe alcohol keeps his (SPOILER, FOR CHRISSAKE!) dead body preserved? Anyway, almost no one thinks Kimahri is trying to keep girlishly slim! What, do you all think he's fat? Look, now you've driven the poor boy to bulemia! You and your waify supermodel standards! Damn you all!

Worst Fashion Sense?



Queen Brahne


The Square character designers for thinking any of these people looked cool.

AG's response - Yep, most everyone knew the answer to that one - Square! In specific Tetsuya Nomura, though I am willing to forgive the man much, for very obvious reasons. Still, just how studly can you be when you've got a long string of feathers and beads hanging down to your ass, or a three-foot tall spike of red hair sticking straight out of your forehead? Let's not even mention the skirts on the guys Nomura. Methinks someone's got some "issues" he needs to work out before sitting down to the design table again.

LC's response - I have to say I'm amazed that Brahne beat out Seymour. Is her physical appearance giving you all a clouded view of her fashion? Undoubtedly Seymour is better looking than her (if you like veiny people), but I think Seymour's manner of making his hair stick out in 47 different angles has to beat out Brahne's viking helmet. But the important thing is, you all realize that Nomura has problems. I wonder if he goes to work wearing fur, leather and 600 belts.

What's in Gremio's stew, anyway?
Oh, you know, carrots, onions, manbeef...

I really would rather not know, thanks.

What's up with all the stew obsession? What's wrong with you people?

Tofu and crab brains. Allez Cuisine!

AG's response - What's wrong with us? Well, besides this Gremio fangirl's thwarted attempt to make him somehow not gay (and it takes effort, let me tell you, folks. It's like making Auron gay. You can do it in a pinch, but the nature of the beast is against you all the way), you just know that he was putting all of himself into that stew for his young master. I want you to think about that for a second. It makes the Dinty Moore mystery meat pale in comparison, doesn't it?

LC's response - You people are all big fraidy-cats. You don't want to know? Like AG said, I think we all do know, and the 44 voters in question just don't want to think about it. Let's just say that Pahn wouldn't like it so much unless it had a lot of...protein.

Young, hawt and studly, baby!

Ew! He's a kid for god's sake!

Gay. Very, very gay.

AG's response - Well, we'd already covered this one a while back, so there's no need to rehash it. For those of you *cough*Link's Queen*cough* who have the delusion that Link is somehow your hunka hunka burning sword, I suggest you take another look at Soul Calibur II or Smash Brothers Melee. Link sword-dances and spins around like a fucking fairy princess while pulling off his moves. Yeah, that screams "straight and studly" to me.

LC's response - I am depressed beyond words that there are actually 17 people out there who think Link is H-A-W-T. If we take this poll as a sampling of the 'net as a whole, that means there are possibly thousands of Link fangirls at large in the world, proclaiming him to be perfectly straight, despite his gay musical instruments, green fairy-elf clothing, girlish visage, and dubious relationship with Tingle. Today, I weep for humanity.

Why do the recappers make so many gay jokes?
They're really closeted gay men, it's soooo obvious

They can't get any

Because the characters *are* gay

Because ass-rape jokes are funny

AG's response - Why? Better to ask "why not"! And because ass-rape jokes are funny. You know they are, we know they are, we write, you read, you snicker. Simple, elegant, and effectual. No, we're really not gay men who can't get any. Honest. Stop looking at me like that.

LC's response - Yup, they're gay. Finally, the truth is out there! Next time someone tries to tell you that Squall and Rinoa have TEH TWOO WUUV, point to this mailbag and say, "Ha! 49 voters at VGR (plus the recappers) can't be wrong!" Also, it should be pointed out that the job of recapping somehow fine-tunes gaydar, and makes it about 1000 times more sensitive. I can be doing anything (reading Harry Potter, watching TV, walking around the mall) and I'll just blurt out "GAY GAY GAY!!!" It's true.

Rather than have sex with Tidus I would?
Commit ritual suicide.

Three words: Prison shower scene.

Gargle with acid and rusty razor blades.

Play 'Hide the Keyblade' with Maleficent, Jafar and Captain Hook.

What? Tidus is SO HOTTTTTT!!!

AG's response - 8 percent of you think Tidus is HOTT!! I'd like to repeat that, since it bears repeating. Eight percent. One and a half people out of every twenty would like to get down and funky with Tidus. I weep. I mourn. But mostly, I am frightened. Exceedingly frightened. We can only hope it's the sterile female population who would like to get a piece of the wild and wanky Tidus action. Otherwise it's proof that there really is no God. Where did I put the acid and rusty razor blades?

LC's response - I'll join in on AG's abject fear of the "Tidus is HOTTT" camp. But I find it highly amusing, to say the least, that 41 people total chose alternatives that involve heavy implications of ass-rape. Do you now see why we make with the gay jokes? We're giving you people what you want!

Well, that's it for the VGR Poll Mailbag! Thanks to everyone who voted. (And we know some of you took it upon yourselves to vote several times. Tsk.)

For the next mailbag, we'd like to know what you think about recappable games. Obviously, there is no need to write in and tell us what a great recap Final Fantasy X (or any other game on the site already) would make, because we already know, Poindexter. Rather, what games would YOU like to see recapped? There are plenty of RPGs out there we haven't touched, so tell us their humorous merits. What are your feelings on non-RPGs and their recapping potential? Have you been waiting with bated breath for someone to take up recapping Metal Gear Solid 2 or Resident Evil? Give us the benefit of your not-so-professional opinion by Friday, July 18 at 8:00 p.m. EST. We'll be waiting to give your ideas due consideration.

WARNING: This subject is for THIS MAILBAG ONLY. After July 18, we will be pissed off if we continue to receive letters telling us what games to recap. Normally, it makes us surly and disgruntled, but we recognize that there are games we haven't touched and that they would make good recaps, so we're giving you this chance. Just so you get the message: Do not write to us on this topic after July 18. And do NOT start a thread on this topic at the message board. If you do, we will get very angry and send a troll after you.

Also: Please leave the following games out of your discourse, in addition to games already on the site, as they are going to be recapped:

Valkyrie Profile
Zelda: Wind Waker
The Bouncer

Got all that? Good! Until next time!

- AG and Lita-chan

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