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"Oh. Oh my goodness. Twink cannot keep the grin off his face as he gives the newcomer a good once-over. He's an absolutely divine young man, clad in a skintight blue bodysuit that shows off every muscular contour of his very male body. His ninja mask can't conceal a shock of spiky blond hair or those gorgeous red eyes. Twink barely notices the red eye symbol on this person's chest, as he is way too busy checking out those hot pecs. Being a grown-up is awesome!"
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 3

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08.21.02 :: Where's the love?

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to

Tonight we tackle the most common of gamer questions, "Where's the love?" We bring you a host of letters from our legion of faithful readers (I know this is only the third installment, work with me, people!), from all over Game-Land. Our first letter is from a young, leather-obsessed young man, and we, your lovely and talented Mailbag Goddesses, will pour down our wisdom from the heavens. Put on your raincoats, kids. It could get messy.

Fated love
My rival is always trying to pick a fight with me. He won't leave me alone. Lately, I'm realizing that I don't mind it so much. What's wrong with me?



Don't worry, honey, it's a completely natural feeling. Have you been getting that funny feeling in your tummy? Have you been having dreams about diving into a lake of chocolate? If so, I think you and your rival need to have a little "talk." Alone. In the shower.


Dear S,

You see dear, sometimes there are things that we older folks like to call a "love/hate" relationship. You are in fierce competition with your rival, when all he wants is to get attention in that special way, so you'll see the barely restrained lust in his eyes. Put away your gunblades and submit to the wild animal passion that simmers just below your cool, angsty surface. Take him to that lovely field flowers nearby and confess your true desires. Oh, and send me pictures. Lots of pictures.



A typical family problem
Dear AG and Litachan,

I have a problem with my daughter. She's going through one of those typical rebellious teenager phases at the moment. It's bad enough that she's taken up with a resistance group when I happen to be the general of the army, but that's not my main concern right now. My problem is that she insists on bringing home young men who shall I put it?...interested in the affections of other young men. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that--if it weren't for the "don't ask, don't tell" policy in the army, I might experiment a bit myself--but she seems to be completely unaware of what's going on. I've come right out and said "Your boyfriend is a butt pirate!" but she just ignored me. What should I do?


Dear General Poppy Seed,

No clue. It's bad enough that she's bringing home boys that use more mascara than Bobo the Happy Panda, but to be so unaware of their bedroom predilections? A cryin' shame, Gen. The best thing I can tell you to do is invest in a little nightclub on the west side of Deling City. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, I always say. I think you'd look dead sexy in a little marabou bias cut number with stiletto heels. Who knows? The experience might just be good for you, and convince your silly twit daughter that what she really wants is a manly man that adjusts himself in public and calls her "babe." Now as far as the resistance movement goes, you should talk her out of that pronto. I'm all in favor of evil sorceresses ruling the world. That's what the world is FOR.

Happy Cross-dressing!


A sad situation
Dear AG and Litachan,

I'm obsessed with a video game character that I can never have and I'm not able to find a real-life relationship. Where can I find a girl just like Tifa???

-Random Wanker

Dear Tifa-luver,

We don't know. We're not sure any girl like that has ever existed anywhere, though you might try looking in the Barbie section of your local Wal-Mart. Now why don't you get up, take your weekly shower, open the blankets that cover the tiny windows in your parents' basement and go out into the world to meet some real women? Sure, they may not all have huge 50 polygon boobs, but if you try really hard, one of them might mistake you for a human male. Besides, if we can't have Auron, then you can't have Tit--er, Tifa. You could always divert your chicken-choking energies into creating the Magic Videogame Portal?. That'll make us all happy.



So it's that kind of family
Dear AG and Lita-chan,

I'm an orphan. I live in a foster home with four boys. I like my adopted family very much, but sometimes the way they behave makes me...uncomfortable. There's a lot of tickling and hugging going on, but only between my 'brothers.' None of them are affectionate to me. And my adopted father seems to support, even encourage their physical closeness. Am I missing something here? What should I do?


Dear Miss Cleo,

We'd like to report your adopted father to social services. Can we have your address, please?


The things we do for love...
Dear AG and Lita-chan,

I have a rather large problem. I've been in love with my best childhood friend for as long as I can remember, but he doesn't seem to return my feelings. At first, I tried the usual things to get him to notice me -- trying to make him jealous by pretending to have a crush on a girl, joining the army with him, running away from the army with him, rescuing him from a mercenary group, getting matching runes on our hands -- you get the idea. No dice. After that, I got frustrated, and here's where everything went to hell. I started to do "bad" things to get him to notice me, like killing the mayor, marrying some chick, and becoming the king of the opposing country and sending my army to defeat his. I guess you could say I really @#$%ed things up. I still would like us to get together -- what should I do now?

Your Doe-Eyed Majesty,

All your friend has ever wanted is to be with you. He doesn't want you to pull stunt after stunt to steal his attention. He. Wants. YOU. Go to him. Meet with him, share your divine runic power with each other, and then have some hot-and-heavy fun in the bushes of Tenzan Pass. Be honest, and be gentle with the tonfa, and he's yours forever.


And the fanboys start drooling...
Dear AG and Litachan,

I'm a young woman on a journey with my three oldest friends. I have a "thing" for one of my friends, she's just so dreamy in that sexy goth girl way. Along the way, we picked up this whiny blonde guy who's not really my type, and yet I can feel narrative causality (and the freaking script) forcing me into his pipecleaner arms. I don't want this! I'd blame my father's old traveling buddy, he's a grouch anyway, but we kinda need him since Blondie can't fight worth a damn and one of my other friends is stoned all the time. My third friend's what you'd call the silent type and I can't really see asking him for help. All I can think of is getting it on with my lady friend, maybe going back to our village and settling down. But I swore I'd defeat the big bad monster, too! What should I do?

Dear Princess,

Screw the monster, screw the script, and drop Blondie off a cliff somewhere. With all the stress of saving the world, a girl needs to let her hair down now and again, and a lovely candlelit evening with a willing lady lover is the best way we can think of for you to relieve those tensions. Hitch a ride with the nearest Al Bhed ship and hang out at Besaid Falls. You'll be so happy you did.


-AG and LC

*vomits in terror*
Dear AG and Lita-chan,

I think I am in love with Tidus. All I can think of is his blond hair and the necklace stuck to his hard bodied chest. I just love the way he whines all the time. It makes me hot. If I could just get into those leather shorts of his.

The Wankress

Dear Wankress,

Well, first of all we suggest a good shrink. We simply can't imagine that after seeing the majesty of studliness that is Auron that you'd want Wanky Boy instead. Besides, it's becoming clear that he and Wakka may have had a thing going. And need we remind you about the "neck humping" scene? Wasn't that enough? *collective shudder* What in the name of Yevon would have you lusting after a boy who, when given the ultimate in make out scenes, decides to try his hand at synchronized swimming? He didn't even try to cop a feel on poor Yuna, a fact that may have had some bearing on her decision to go through with the whole Ultimate Summon thing. If we'd had to spend that much time with Tidus McWankerson, and didn't even get a commiseration screw, scattering your pyreflies to save the world for a mere ten years would seem appealing, too. In short, oh Mistress of Wank, there's no help for you. Become a nun.

Disgustedly yours,

-AG and LC

Well, that was a blast! Hope our stabs at the advice columnist game amused you as much as we amused ourselves writing them. The real mailbag will be back next Wednesday, so don't forget to send in your letters! Remember, our topic is Final Fantasy Tag Team Action. We're thrilled, and you'd better be, too. Don't force us to show you how REAL and PAINFUL wrestling can be, just to garner enthusiasm for the topic. We wouldn't enjoy kicking some fanboy ass. Really.

Until next week, may the Wank be with you!

- AG and Lita-chan

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