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"Diamond Steppe Island, Twink learns from his Strategy Chart, is home to an important non-Triforce Chart. Namely, a Ghost Ship Chart. Spoooooooky. This item will tell Twink where to find the mysterious -- wait for it -- Ghost Ship. Apparently, the ship is on some sort of weird schedule where it appears in different map squares depending on the phase of the moon. Well, it makes more sense than Zora-to-Rito evolution, I guess."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 10




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05.20.03 :: Triforce of Gayness

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of videogamerecaps.com. Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to mailbag@videogamerecaps.com

Welcome, seekers of the Mailbag Triforce! We have a prodigious amount of letters this time out, so settle into a comfy chair with your favorite soup and fairy bottle while we travel into the psyche of the Legend of Zelda games. It's going to be a long, strange trip, where the words "Link is gay" are repeated -- a lot. So if you're the type of person who thinks repetition on a theme is unfunny and lame, we urge you to bail out now. Because Link is gay. He's the gayest gay that ever gayed. He's so gay that Liberace would think he was nelly. He's gayer than the Village People skinny-dipping in the San Francisco Bay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. G -- er, let's just get to the letters, shall we?

Um, yeah, hello and everything. I was never very good at saying "hello" in emails. Anyway, back on topic: having only played two or three of the Zelda series (Wind Wanker not being one of them, as the lazy bastards at Nintendo have only just released it over here in the Land of Perpetual Rain), I can safely say that my all-time favourite has to be Zelda: A Link to the Past.

That game is legendary. Even when you've played it through countless times, thinking you've found every secret there is, there's always something new to discover next time you play (or maybe that's just me, crappy gamer that I am). I swear, I all but cried with joy when I discovered the existence of the Good Bee.

Ocarina of Time was good, too...but I doubt that I'll ever play it again. If I do, I'll be sure to switch off the N64 when I reach the goddamn fucking wanky Water Temple. That dungeon is the devil incarnate. I don't have a problem with The Wind Wanker, but I do have a problem with the current epidemic of cel-shaded graphics -- Wind Wanker, Wild Arms 3, Dark Cloud 2, and Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter have all succumbed to this disease. Don't get me wrong; I actually like that graphical style. But now it's so overused that even the next WWE Smackdown game will probably use it.

-Mad Ben

Um, hullo to you too, Ben. On the whole, I think you're right about the cel-shaded graphics fad, but Wind Waker is one of the few games I've seen in recent years to use the style to its advantage. Having played WW, I can't imagine it being half as good had it been in a more realistic style. For me, that particular brand of animation has to be pitch perfect in order to work properly, otherwise, there's a tone throughout the game of "Hey! Look at the neat cel-shading! Isn't this the coolest?" WW had none of that. So, all the other recent cel-shaded games aside, I believe that when you finally do get the PAL version of WW, you won't be let down. We now leave the shameless WW plugging and return you to your regularly scheduled mailbag. ;)

-AG

And don't forget the newest Harvest Moon games -- they both have cel-shading too. I think it works for those games, because they're so gosh-darn cute, but I definitely see your point otherwise. I have to agree with AG that I can't see WW in any other style. And bonus--it makes Link look even gayer than he did before! By the way, I snicker heartily at the idea of cel-shaded Rey Mysterio and Goldust. That would be the bestest wrestling game EVAR!

As for the Zelda portion of your letter, I fully agree with you--Link to the Past is the best the Zelda series has to offer. As much as I wanted to have Shiggy Miyamoto's babies after experiencing Wind Wanker, I don't think any other game could eclipse what Link to the Past was for me. For one thing, it's very difficult (something I can't really say about WW). To this day I've never found every piece of heart in that game. And that third dungeon in the forest, with the entrances made out of giant skulls! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!

-LC

My first exposure to Link was in the SNES Zelda game. This game was awesome! Simply put, it was the greatest game to ever come out on the SNES console! Period! I will defend my opinion by re-registering as a Republican and accusing anybody who disagrees with me as being un-American and not supporting our troops, so there, nyahhhh! I just loved being able to catch bees in the net, shoving them into jars and letting them go to attack enemies! When you consider that this was just about Link's most powerful attack, though.... that does sound kinda gay. He also plays with fairies. Hmmmm. I bet he lives in his parent's basement and watches reruns of the Sound of Music a lot. And lip syncs to all the Julie Andrews parts. And, of course, there's the fact that in every game, he rescues hot little Princess Zelda who is always so very grateful, and does Link even once take the opportunity to (hee hee, I just can't resist) play hide-the-sausage? I'll bet if Link ever met up with Squall, he'd be following him around like a puppy dog, begging for scraps.

I've not played any other of the Zelda games, because I'm so old that I can barely see a Gameboy screen, much less whatever is sort of moving around on that dark, murky thing. When the N-64 came out, I kept waiting for some games to come out that I'd want to play before I bought one. And waited, and waited and waited. Then when Zelda, the Ocarina of Time came out, my brother snapped it up and I went over and tried it out before I invested in the system. Hello! What is with this game? The graphics blew chunks. Brown murky objects are trees. Purple murky objects are rocks. Larger brown murky objects are mountains. The green murky object is Link. Oh, and an Ocarina? Now there is a manly-man musical instrument! Link definitely lip-syncs to Abba music in the privacy of his own room! I was never able to get the hang of the controls in Ocarina of Time. I mean, you use the one joy stick to move, the other joystick to make selections, the A button to confirm your selection, the B button to confirm that you confirmed the selection with the A button, the C button to cancel you confirmation of the B button, and the D button to make Link blow little pink smoke rings or something like that. Then, you use the third joystick (what the hell am I supposed to push the gray joystick with since I'm using both hands to use the yellow stick, the shoulder buttons, and the letter buttons at the same time? Don't answer that!!!) I finally dismissed Ocarina of Time as the game designer's revenge on all those people who had been begging for a real Zelda game for all those years.

I haven't played far into Wind Wanker yet. At least this Zelda looks good, so far! The characters are cute. The game still has control issues - it's like the designers said, "Hey, the controller has five joy sticks and twenty eight buttons, let's use 'em all!" I hate them, the sadistic bastards. And as for the new Link, whose name isn't even Link? Well, all I can say is that green tunic looks an awful lot like something he got out of his little sister's closet. I don't even want to think about what he might be wearing under it.

CS

CS, I think it's time to cut back on the Jolt cola, dude. Way back. Controller-phobe (read: Dual Shock whore) though I am, I can't really see your complaints on the WW controls. The Game Cube controller is a heck of a lot better than the X-Box, or the X-Box "S" and easier to use (to me) than the old NES and SNES pads, even if you add in the shoulder buttons, extra analog stick and Z button. I had very little trouble getting used to the mechanics of the controller use, and it took me three years to even try to get the hang of the NES controller over the Atari joystick. The silence you hear is me waiting patiently for everyone to stop laughing, in case you're wondering.

And just what is up with all the ABBA bashing, dude? If I didn't know better, I'd say there were some background issues going on in the House that Cats Built. Besides, you can't tell me that you don't know the lyrics to "Dancing Queen".

-AG

I don't really get the controller problem, either. When I think of the GC controller the first words that come to mind are "intuitive" and "yay I don't have to deal with cords anymore!!!" (The latter, of course, applies to the Wavebird, which is about thirty different kinds of kick-ass.) Okay, so the N64 controller made no sense (although it's something you get used to)--which part are we supposed to hold, again? But the GC controller? If you really want to complain about all those buttons, please go back to the ultra-pointy super-tiny NES controller and see how you like that. Ow ow ow.

And hey, storyline-wise, for all we know that tunic could have been from Aryll's closet. Granny had to be keeping it somewhere, right?

-LC

If I were poor Linky-poo I would have thrown away my sword and shield long ago. "WHAT!? Ganon is BACK?! I hate you people. I quit. Find yourself another hero, my contract is UP!" I'm actually starting to think, what could possibly be SO bad about letting Ganon have his way for a while? Honestly. At least then he might decide that being supreme ruler isn't all it's cracked up to be and LEAVE. Maybe Hyrule could deal with a little booty-smacking. I just think that after a million generations that Link would finally say: "You guys want to fight Ganon, get a freakin' ARMY. I'm tired of going it alone. Get a life, and build some militia."

But getting away from that LOVELY notion, I bought a GC so I could try Wind Waker. Yah yah, and I bought a PS2 so I could play FF10 (of course I had NO clue that everyone would be either a wanker or DEAD) I get it, I'M a game wanker. So sue me. But anyway, I bought it so I could play, now I seriously do realize that A) Link and the game designers are all smoking SOMETHING B) Link IS homosexual. C'mon Zelda is a hottie no matter what sprite form she takes, and Link STILL hasn't done the dirty deed with her? SO obvious. Talking boats = crack. Talking BACK to the talking boat = crack. Sheez. Well, moving right along...

I think my favorite incarnation of sword bearing gay boy would have to be Link's Awakening for Game Boy. Yes the title sounds like a gay porn film but we have to remember WHO the game is about. Link's awakening and Majora's Mask both kind of remind me that No matter what world Link travels to, HE still has to be the hero. Dammit, Termina should get their OWN hero, and Marin should have snatched Link up and tried to beat the gay out of him. What's that Mr. Wind Fish? Koholint is only your dream? All these people's dreams, lives and loves are all some sick wet dream? Here, eat some more sleeping pills. I'm not dying simply because you have a 7:30am business meeting. Why do you want to wake up again? Oh yeah, that's right, we don't find out. GAH!

Okay, I've ranted enough. Zelda games are great action games despite gaping plot holes. I even wrote a fanfic about the Ocarina of Time characters. I even wrote it to where Link wasn't a wank. THAT took some doing. Well, until the NEXT mailbag, KEEP RECAPPING!!! PLEASE!

That Square Chick

To stick with your notion of talking boat = crack, I found the first exchange between Link and the King of Red Lions extremely funny (this is paraphrasing but fairly close):

Voice: Hey, you're awake!
Link: *unintelligible noise somewhere between "What was that?" and "I'm horny!"*
KoRL: You're pretty slow on the uptake! What's so WEIRD about a talking boat?
Link: WAH! *I think that means "Talking boats make me feel funny down below"*
KoRL: I guess I shouldn't be surprised at your reaction. But seriously, haven't you ever seen a talking boat before? Dipshit? Hello?

Maybe I'm on crack, but I can't help think that the King of Red Lions would be voiced by Sean Connery. Hee.

-LC

Man, real life, a dead computer, and some writer's block and you'd think the recappers have sworn off writing forever. We haven't, so cheer up! All that aside, I am highly amused at the first part of your letter. It does make you ponder why in all this time Link hasn't asked for some kind of remuneration for his noble, world-saving deeds. Green tunics and pointy shoes don't come cheap, you know; let alone the wear and tear on the Master Sword. Has anyone tried to price a competitive blacksmith's services these days? And while we all agree that Link has had many, many opportunities to bed the presumably willing Zelda, (or Mary Sue of your choice, if you're a sicko who likes the thought of having their way with strangely dressed twelve-year-old boys - stop looking at me like that, I do too know what the meaning of "hypocrite" is.), perhaps he was just a properly brought up young man with good values. I'm sure that's what all the soccer moms watching l'il Tyler and Madison playing these games tell themselves. Whatever gets you to sleep at night, Mr. and Mrs. America. Hell, Link showing up anywhere is a Pride Parade all by himself.

-AG

k, first just to thank you for all the recaps i have laughed my ass off at. there i thanked you. i have only beat four out of many of the zelda games i own. link does many gay things, but lets not overlook the townsfolk! they tend to be queer themselves...

for example, link goes up to talk to a little kid. HE PUTS HIS HAND ON HIS HIP, something he must have learned from squall, his foster daddy. it looks so similar to squall, i laugh. then link as a little kid, gets up right in front of ganondorf. it scares me. this is at the end of wind wa(n)ker.

link's grandma makes moaning sounds in her chair, and i heal her with a fairy(wrong!). she rewards us with soup. yes, soup. it heals you and.... aww fuck. shiguru has run out of ideas and made the games too easy. if i can beat it, it must be too easy. its that simple.

also, at forest haven, there is a guy who makes tiny statues. you take a picture and he makes them. i take a picture of him, he makes the statue. i look at it. i go to info. he has written that he makes them in his underwear. i yell "eeeewww!!!" really loud and wake up my dog upstairs, who barks. zelda and link will never hook up, because then the game would have a "teen" rating, and we wouldn't want that would we? despite the fact that 99.9% of those playing them are over 13. oh, whoops, i forgot. except not.

back to link. he gets a big sword. anyone see any subliminal messages there? i thought so. he also gets a hammer with A GIANT HEAD!!!! yet more symbolism. goron link is very wrong, deku link is just a wanker, and zora link plays guitar. it would be cool, exept it's a dead fish. i would think that would smell to carry around with you all the time.

where does link keep all his stuff anyway? it looks like he might be pulling shit outa his pants, or underneath his tunic flap. that strikes me as ew. zelda, or as i commonly refer to her as, "the boobless wonder", crossdresses, pretends to be a guy to get link's attention, and when he sees she's zelda, he's shocked. he was expecting a man, not TBW! by the way, the sage guy is gay too. i think i know what he did to link all those years *shiver* wrong ear pierced there, link.

just a closing question. would you like to recruit me as a recap writer? i'd be happy to do wind wanker. ahh, sleepy. gotta go. tightass is jecht. crap!

Ryu D

Ryu Hunter D, (God, I so could not resist that)

Next time, I want you to try a little thing we writers call "capitalization". The rules in English 101 are there for a reason; use them well. Now, then, somewhere in your letter I see that you've not only made fun of my Squally (a crime in and of itself), but invoked the "ear piercing code" that was out of date by about 1984 or so. If it were true, half the guys I know are announcing to the world that they're committed bisexuals. That would be like saying that every blond, pointy-eared, fey looking boy in green is completely and utterly gay.

Well, so much for that rebuttal. Shit.

-AG

Tightass is Jecht? WTF?

I think I understood all your references to various Zelda games, but in the future it would help a lot if you actually tell us what game you're talking about, as your commentary on WW blended in pretty strangely with your points on Majora's Mask, and we were very confused for a minute or so. Anyway. Goron Link is COOL because of the boss battle where you get to roll around and around that donut-shaped track. That was the best boss fight EVAR, you silly.

I noticed the hand-on-hip thing, too. But what can you expect from a guy whose mystical magic powers come from a fruity little baton? Really, now.

-LC

Ok, I don't own a Gamecube and I couldn't be happier. Anyway I have played the others and the only thing I'll say is that LoZ 1-3? Same exact game. All you do is rescue Zelda and something about a Triforce. Ocarina of Time was a bit more interesting. Example: We learn that Zelda is a cross-dresser. O_o!

Hey that reminds me, if Link is gay and we know Zelda is a cross-dresser, then they would make a good couple after all. Anyway, my friends' about to make Cloud "Bitch" go into the Group Room and I can't miss that humiliation.

Update soon,
Wicked Ryoko

So maybe you're onto something with the first three Zelda games being the same, plot-wise. (And I assume you mean the first game, Adventure of Link and Link to the Past, and aren't including Link's Awakening.) I think that's a bit of an oversimplification in the case of Link to the Past, but I'll let it go because you're basically right. Except that in gameplay, they're totally different! Well...not so much 1 and 3 (except 3 is obviously much deeper), but Zelda 2 is the most different of all the Zelda series! It's a freaking side-scroller, for Nayru's sake! If we're going to whine about games being the same, let's set our sights on the Pok?mon Red and Blue of the series, Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons. They don't get much more similar than that.

-LC

Ry,

You'd give up hot Zelda action for Cloud? Shame on you, girl, shame! Then again, you've got your blond with spiky hair who likes a purple silk dress, a pretty blond wig and a tiara. Maybe you're not so far off after all.

-AG

'Hoy!

I write you this merry missive in a mighty mood, for I have just recently acquired the latest iteration of the Zelda franchise (known as the Wind Waker to some, and as the Wind Wanker to you and me). Now, having played up to the Volcano Dungeon in Dragon Roost Island, one question burns in my mind:

How gay can Link get?

Granted, at least this Link doesn't stare meaningfully at the effeminate ninja dude ("He's a babe, baby!", but HE didn't know...), but at least the Link from OoT wasn't subjected to Tingle the Fairy Wannabe...yet.

Between Tingle, the uh.. pink Tingle, the disco guy from Windfall Island and Tetra's gang of Ass Pirates, poor Link is bound to become gay by association. Or maybe not, considering how his ancestor always rejected the advances of every youthful female in Hyrule yet had the hots for the effeminate ninja dude ("He's a babe, baby!")

And I won't delve deeper on how some characters tell Link to hold out his hand and close his eyes when they're about to give him something.

Still, it's a Zelda game, with all the things that make Zelda great: inventive dungeons with moderately challenging puzzles and interesting battles, weird yet endearing NPCs and lots and lots of exploring.

And there's also the ability to throw Medli into the wall, which seems to be taken from the Metal Gear Solid 2 school of thought (you can only hurt nice people; the irritating wankers are off-limits).

And hey, you can parry attacks and sail the seven seas. How cool is that?

~Quartz Falcon

Hoy, QF!

I have to ask you if the main question of your letter is supposed to be a type of koan for the gaming mind. In asking, "How gay can Link get?" we are sucked into a rainbow-colored Mobius vortex from which we may never return.

And please don't remind me of the Pink Tingle. I have trouble sleeping these days as it is.

-AG

Just so none of you ever sleep at night again, let me remind you that there are FOUR Tingles. And yes, that is the desktop I'm using right now, if you all weren't already convinced that I have mental problems.

As for the question of Link's gayness, hey, he's a friggin' LOLLIPOP. When Nintendo is inviting boys and girls of all ages to LICK the guy, I think there's no doubt as to his sexual orientation.

Hee. I like answering in pictures.

-LC

Link looks really stupid. But the new game is pretty good. I finished it a week ago (...or something).

I miss adult Link! ... But because I think he's sexy because I'm weird.

I like how THE MOST ANNOYING PART OF THE WIND WANKER WAS THE FREAKING WIND. NINTENDO, YES, IT'S A GREAT IDEA TO MAKE PEOPLE SWITCH THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND 500 TIMES. OH WAIT IT ISN'T YOU IDIOTS. I HATE YOU ALL. Other than that the wind wanker is a great game. but screw the sailing wind boat stuff. SCREW IT ALL.
Zeth

If using the Wind's Requiem too much is your biggest complaint about the game (for the record, it's also mine) then I think that shows how mindblowingly good it is, don't you? Also, WW Link does not look stupid. He looks gay. It's just a different style of gay than all the other Links.

-LC

Man, what's up with the folks thinking Link's some kind of super stud these days? In all the Zelda games I've ever had the pleasure of playing I have never once said, "Boy, that kid in green sure is hot, gotta get me some of that!" Maybe I just haven't played the right games, since some folks do truly get off on our Hero of Time. And for the record, I liked using the Wind Waker to control the wind and sail my talking Viking boat on the high seas, looking for goodies and talking to hep-cat fish. It was fun if only to see the disturbing facial expression l'il Link made after waving his baton around.

As for the rest, color me impressed. You got through your entire letter without mentioning Link's blatant gay-ness even once. Go you.

-AG

Dear AG & Lita, (and especially to Jeanie if she reads this)

Firstly, I would really like to comment about your very funny recaps about the various games. There are not that many girls here that think that Tidus whines too often (I am anti-Tidus!).

I am sure that by now you may have heard about the latest updates about the new sequel to FFX, FFX-2. I would really like to hear your views about the game and these pointers about them.

1. Yuna is the main hero. Dressed very err... strangely. She is less stone-like and miss-I-will-die-to-save-spira. She is more matured. The most negative point I can comment is that she is looking for spheres to revive Tidus.

2. Rikku is back! Fun and luckily sugar level has been controlled to an extent.

3. New girl Paine gives pain. She is absolutely my favourite of the three. She got Auron's 'Don't mess with me' attitude and is a Squall done right.

4. Dresses: This must have been for the boys. The girls undergo magical girl dress changes to do job class changes... Not to mention all the girls are dresses in less than covering outfits... Why?!!! (Aren't they cold running around all the time like that?)

5. SPOILER: [The entire sections following this one were removed as they're - wait for it - HUGE FUCKING GAME SPOILERS ON A GAME THAT'S NOT OUT IN THE STATES YET!! (*pant pant*)]

Please update, Jeanie~! I'll look forward to your next recap!

Yours sincerely with regards to FF games,
Auda

[NOTE: To be fair, this email did have a spoiler warning in the subject line. That was great and all, but when Outlook automatically displays the selected email's text on the screen (and it was selected as it was the only thing in the inbox) a spoiler warning in the subject doesn't really help. Poor LC's brain, for one, registered just enough of this email to be massively spoiled. Yay.]

Dear Spoiler-Girl,

With just about any highly anticipated game, you should expect to see some in-depth coverage about what the game's like and the basic storyline. As gamers, we've come to use these little nuggets of information in deciding whether or not a game's worth our time. However, no one likes having a game they're anticipating spoiled just because someone else thought it would be fun to do so. Most people ask before making with the spoiler orgy, or they at least have the decency to post a link and let people decide if they want to click it or not. We don't think any gamer would appreciate an unsolicited Super Spoiler-Gram in their inbox, and that includes us. We were quite looking forward taking on the game before your email, but as our brains actually registered what you told us about it, we now know absolutely EVERYTHING we didn't want to know about FFX-2, and that said, we're scared to play it now. Thanks bundles, sweetcheeks.

Games are supposed to be fun. For RPGs, that includes finding out what story the game designers want to tell, cracked out as it may be. Next time, we'd appreciate it if you'd let us find it out for ourselves.

-AG and LC


The blinding, agonizing pain of the uncensored version of that last letter excepted, this was a really great mailbag! So thanks to all the people who wrote in! Hugs and fluffy bunny rabbits to all of you! You'll have plenty of time to compose your letters for next time, as LC will be out of town and computer-less next week. So for the week following, your topic is:

Licensed franchise games. Y'know, games based on movies, TV shows, books, anime, etc. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that about nine out of ten of these types of games usually manage to suck and blow. What factors do you think make the average licensed game so thoroughly bad? Does it make your blood boil that they still manage to sell well based on their name recognition? What licensed games have you played that don't fall into this unfortunate stereotype? And if you can't think of one, what is the worst licensed game you've ever played? (Hopefully not everyone will answer Superman for the N64.) Answer any or all of these questions for us by Wednesday, June 4 at 8:00 p.m. EST.

Until the next mailbag...GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Heh.

- AG and Lita-chan

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