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"She's sitting in a big fancy room, wearing a big fancy dress that shows her boobs, because that's what women's dresses must do in Male Video Game Designer Land."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy IX Part 1

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04.29.03 :: Worst Otaku Moments

The opinions in this letters column aren't necessarily those of Jeanne Rubbo, owner of Even so, Jeanne owns *us* and has locked us in a dark closet with Tidus and Rinoa until we think of something funny. HELP! In the meantime, send in your comments, queries, whining, flames, spam, opinions, facts, opinions that you think are facts, and general idiocy to

Well friends, Romans, and countrymen, here it is. The long awaited mailbag on reader's favorite otaku moments. Or, so it would have been, had we gotten more letters from you folks owning up. What's a little otaku between friends, eh? However, we did get a lovely missive from a Gameforms forum poster that we'd like to share, as well as a lovely letter from one of you out there in fan-land. Let's check out their words of wisdom and wonder, shall we?

Fangirl feedback
Boy oh boy oh boy, have I got some wacky otaku stories for you! Feel free to snip at the least interesting points and only display a select few, as there will be lots!

I met lots and lots of dumbasses who worked at Funcoland. One guy asked me if I was in for my boyfriend or my little brother. I told him that I was a very dedicated gamer. The following conversation ensued.

Funcoland dumbass: What systems do you play?
Me: I hate X-Box.
FD: SATAN SPAWN!! DEVIL WOMAN!!! How could you hate that glorious Halo machine? That gooey BMXXX goodness? I'll bet you like Shitstation or Gamecrap.
Me: You bet.
Me: Because I don't like sports game or first person shooters played on a console system.
FD: Get out of my store.

That's great story to tell the grandkids.

Once, I went to Dragon Con in Atlanta and cosplayed as Terra in esper form. I looked like Raggedy Ann on crack covered in amniotic fluid. Never again. I had to fill up at a Georgia filling station in said esper costume. I think they wanted me dead. My friends ask me in pleading tones not to answer "Nani?" when they call my name from across the room.

When I first got the Squaresoft logo tattooed on my arm (Yes you can all scream fangirl now) A guy was buying a shirt from my store, a Zeppelin shirt. I told him about my fiancee who has the symbols from zeppelin four down his left arm. He said that that was cool. Well, I said that I had ink of my own, and he asked to see it. I showed him. "That's got to be the worst tattoo I've ever seen. You are such a dumb bitch for getting it. People who play video games are all vegetables, and never amount to anything. You're stupid, your tattoo is stupid, your store is stupid, wank wank wank...."

I'm a thousand times better than that guy. Well, that's the pick of the litter. Sorry about length, I didn't know if there was a space limit or not.... :) Have fun!

-That Square Chick

Thanks for sharing, Square Chick. I have the same problem any time I go into a game store, but it may be a regional thing. The "It's a girl! In a game store!" factor is still pretty strong down here in Mulletland. I agree with your friends on the random-Japanese thing, though. Nothing says otaku faster than someone spouting Japanese in their conversation when they don't have to. I don't mean to say that you shouldn't use the correct Japanese term when it's called for, but otherwise it's just silly. Then again, I'm an American girl whose favorite curse is "Bloody Hell!" so there you go.

And speaking of cosplay, I know many out there who consider that the honor badge of an otaku. Not so, I say, you don't have to be an otaku to love putting on a show. It's a great deal of fun to put on another persona for a little while with all the accoutrements to match. It doesn't make you somehow superior to the norms slogging their way from booth to booth, but you do get your picture taken more often.


Not to echo AG, but seriously, don't go shouting "Nani?" or "Waaaaaaaai!!!" or "Baka!!!" or calling people "-chan" in public. I say this in the nicest way I can: it makes you look like a dumbass.

Also, not that I want to say that Funcoland guy wasn't an idiot, but your immediate "I hate XBox" reply to him wasn't much better. Especially since he didn't ask you what system you disliked, he asked you what you played. I hear these sorts of arguments in EB all the time (sadly, I've been involved in one or two), and I sometimes wonder what's worse: blindly advocating a console or blindly bashing one. Screw that, they're both stupid. A chunk of hardware attached to a TV isn't really worthy of anyone's love or hate. It's a friggin' console.

One last thing: can I ask what you were thinking getting a tattoo of the Squaresoft logo anywhere on your person? It's one thing to get a tattoo of the Final Fantasy or (why not?) even the Kingdom Hearts logo, or even better, to get a character tattoo. Hey, I'd have Vivi stamped on my skin over a dagger in a bleeding heart any day. But a generic Square tattoo? I dunno, it just seems a little pointless.

Despite all that, really, thanks for sharing your experiences with us. We love honesty! *cough*WHEREAREALLTHEGODDAMNLETTERS*cough*


AG's Otaku Moment

Once when I told my mother that I had a great interest in anime, my mother replied, "She's really funny." It took me a good five minutes to explain to her that anime was Japanese animated television/movies and not the name of a comedienne. I finally ended up screaming "G-Force, Mom! G-Force!" to get her to understand what the hell I was talking about. To this day my two sisters refer to my paltry anime DVD collection as "the weird movies."

LC's Secret Otaku Shame

In all honesty, I had to think for a long time before I could come up with something losery enough to say here. Either I genuinely don't behave like an otaku, or I'm in serious denial. Anyway. After Japanese class one day I heard a couple of my classmates talking about videogames, and I heard one of them mention Suikoden. I was turned away, and my head snapped around toward them so quickly I could have sworn I cracked my cervical vertebrae. It's so rare for me to meet Suiko fans IRL, so I launched myself into their conversation, and even found myself giving one of my classmates tips on boss battles in Suikoden III. Because I AM THE MASTER OF SUIKODEN!!!! WHO WANTS TO FUCKING TOUCH ME?!?!?! I think they were massively weirded out by my behavior.

Amusing side story to this: after the Suikoden talk ended, I pulled out my GBASP and started to play, while I was waiting for another class. The two guys I'd been talking to gawped at me (the SP had just come out at the time). They clamored to see what I was playing, and then turned away, revolted, when they saw I was immersed in Pok?mon Ruby. I believe "That's gay" was the prevailing comment. So for some reason I felt the need to defend the merits of the Pok?mon game franchise, and explain that it's not the game's fault the cartoon has gotten really crappy.

And I complain about other people being dorks. Jeebus.

Flattery will get you everywhere...
Firstly, I have to say THANK YOU GODS! Then, to continue, um, yes, Tidus IS a humongous wanker, along with Rinoa, Shana and that Winnie-the-Pedophile Seymour.

Ok, on to them later. Thank you! It is sooooo refreshing to find that other people share my opinion about that pre-puberty wanker and the others, rather than squealing ON and ON about Rinoa and Squall in the deepest purest love, and little Shana and Dart being true heroines *I'm referring to both of them*.

I found your site on an off chance, immediately broke several ribs laughing my ass of at all of the FF recaps, went to hospital, drank a little, re-read the recaps and found them even funnier, replayed FFX with Tidus named Tightass, found new meaning in every gay conversation between Squally *also renamed* and Seifer and giggled my way through Kingdom hearts *albeit a little tipsily*.

You, all of you who have contrived to create my now-favorite site on the web, are put simply, gods and goddesses. I introduced my friends to this site and had a party spent in front of my tiny computer screen laughing at the wankers antics, and some of the fan-art *which, seen double, is even funnier* and I have one thing to say to Yuna, in the lines of Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge, please Yuna, just say to Tidus, 'The only way you're loving me is to pay a lovely fee.'

I now have scanned the web for amusing fanfictions written similarly, coming up pathetically short, and instead re-reading the recaps over and over *yes, I DO have a social life. Honest. Stop laughing!* Some of my favorite bits were the descriptions of Tightass humping that poor guys neck en route to Kilika, I nearly pissed myself. That poor guy, he must have needed some serious medication after that traumatizing experience... I know I would... and I WISH Lulu could get one of her most prickly cactuar dolls and shove it far as she could reach... but then she'd probably need drugs after that too, and the medical companies in Spira would have a field day...

There! If nothing else *there prob'ly isn't* then the one good thing out of Tightass's wankiness is that the medical companies across Spira will become billionaires, from the amount of people humped, harassed and generally met by Tightass across the game needing tranquilizers and memory-blank-drugs to help them forget the horrific experience.

And Auron rocks, not only for ripping Tightass to shreds but also having a cool blade to cut people into shreds with *hint hint, Auron, a certain wanky blitzball player* Oh, and Squall and Seifer are most definitely gay. And so I reckon Rinoa and Bad-teacher-with-naughty-whip should get together and lust after Zell *shudder, terrifying images* and that Irvine and Selphie should go for it because they are simply the most likely straight couple, although Selphie is probably on drugs, *not as badly as Wakka of course* and Irvy needs a haircut badly...

Please please please put up more FFVIII recaps up, I can't wait to see what you put about Squally's reaction to hearing about Seify's 'death' and his subsequent appearance right before the poor li'l puppy-dogs eyes. And also how Irvine is introduced *chuckles darkly* And Squally and Seifer are also bad-ass-hotties. Sorry for rambling, but do you get the idea I love your site! And I may be in the minority, but I really like the FFVIII fighting system, even though the whipcrack Quistis makes at the beginning of every fight is wrong on so many levels, added to the disturbing pose she makes at the end of battles *shudders theatrically* Urgghh... *need alcohol* Oh, and btw, I am not a drooling fanboy, I'm f.e.m.a.l.e, although drooling over Seifer and Squall, thats another matter....Just a thing, I know you guys are probably busy most-of-the-time...but I wrote the beginning of a fan-fiction *inspired by the recaps* hopefully going to include characters from all my fav games *namely FFX, FFVIII, FFIX, LoD, Devil May Cry etc, and I've attached a little beginning, if you have time to read it... and trust me, it is not like some of those love ballads done by fanfiction authors across the globe, its a little...different.


P.S. also, please post more FFX if you have time, 'cause I just can't bear the suspense...

Alice, I think it's reasonably clear that yes, you like VGR. We of the mailbag are thrilled to bits, and hope to be sending more hilarity your way soon. Stay tuned for updates, same Snark time, same Snark channel.

-AG and LC

Despite the appalling lack of reader participation for this mailbag (finger of SHAME, people!) it turned out to be an all-right mailbag. Hopefully this topic will garner a little better response from everyone in VGR Land:

Zelda. For those of you who don't know, the entirety of VGR's staff has been 100 percent sucked into the homosexual little boy goodness that is Wind Wa(n)ker. We love it so much, we thought we could talk about it in the mailbag. What do you think of Link's new look? If you don't like it--no, seriously, have you even played the game? And let's not limit our discussion to the Wanker of Wind. What about the other fabulous games in the series? What's your favorite incarnation of Link? Do you ever get tired of kicking Ganon's ass? Will Link and Zelda ever get bizzaaaaay? We want to hear what you think about Shiggy Miyamoto's brainchild, and we'd like to get as many responses as possible by Wednesday, May 7 at 8:00 EST.

Until the next mailbag, remember that LINK IS GAY!

- AG and Lita-chan

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